Reserved a pup - now panicking/ feeling anxious!

[Grannyethel]

Backstory. We lost out much loved dog two years ago.Since then have been walking friends dogs and having one friend s dog with me once a week for the day.
I absolutely loved it and recently noticed two things.
.I seem to have started to detatch a little from the dogs
. seem to be thinking about my own a lot
. spoke to a friend about the fact that I seem a little less intrestred in other people s dogs , but started to look on dog adverts .But why nit be satisfied with a ideal set up of the joy of a dog with out the responsibility?!
like a grandma being able to hand the grandkids back!
She says that even though its lovely, there is nothing like your own dog - do you agree!?

There are few things going on here.

I have a great free life I have a camper van and go abroad a month at a time and travel around england - with dh blessing.. as I work seasonally and am 60 with a small pension. I am free a great deal of the time and I love it
i do worry about the tie of a dog

The other side of things is that when I have my mates dogs - i have great days . I live a few mins from a beach , gorgeous villages , woods.
When i dont have the dogs I tend to stay in or go to the pub at lunchtime to people watch visitors and meet mates for lunch.I dont tend to walk or go off on days out without a dog. I feel less motivated , structured without a dog - yet at the same time my mind says i love the freedom- I cannot afford to jet set off abroad often , but without a dog -its that i know i can psychologically!
My friend has come up with a solution - instead of having my own j dog- with the pros , but also the cons of money, restrictions, that I can have her x 5 a week - including sleep overs in the week . She is the easiest calm dog who just comes everywhere with you and i love her and would choose her as my own .

on paper this sounds ideal.
a dog
freedom
no exprenses

I quite significantly want to take this option
However , she could change this arrangement at any time couldn’t she - as its her dog.

Despite this offer- there is a niggling voice that talks to
me about a dog of my own . I want to be a dogs adored human. I want something to love . There ive said it !
But does this mean i want a dog.
?
How is anyone ever sure ?
is ot normal to feel
so anxious beforehand
people keep reminding me what a tie they are

my goal would be to take dog with me on uk hols in my van , daily potters and spain for a month yearly.

the thing is I absolutely love the freedom of travel in my van . But between those trip s life can feel empty and on past experiences dogs give me joy and structure.
I do have lots of friends- but walking I much prefer a non talking companion.!!

These thoughts have been going round my head for a year now. I know that i will never be 100% sure about what decision is right.

I saw a litter and I fussed one dog and cried. I felt maternal.
Since then - most days I have felt in a state of anxiety- and one in a state of ooh I am going to be a new mummy!!

My questions are

.Is this normal - the fear , the doubt
. what is going on re my mates dog - this sensible option ?!

.whats going on here?
Is it because I don't want one - want my freedom?
is it because I am feeling the fear of the commitment?
is it because the joy of seeing the pup is now on hold as i wait for her to come ?
Can anyone please give me their thoughts.?!
My dh says I am a happier person around dogs.

How is anyone 100% sure . ?
am going between excitement and claustrophobia type feelings . I see so many people with dogs and I love them- but how on earth do you 100% know you want one .?
life seems a bit empty without one - but i am anxious about getting one !

I am naturally quite an anxious person - as my post reveals.
If I dont proceed this will probably go round and round till am 85!
I think i am asking if this pre puppy stage is normal- and for anyone willing- to read between the lines .
thanks. .

Get a dog!

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel
what made you say that?!

I mean is it clear to you that i want one ? ( or is it that you like dogs.x) thank you !

Get a dog, not a puppy. Get a dog that you know will be fine with all the travelling.

Ive been looking at dogs for a year now. Had x2 lined up and both fell thro as owner s lives were a bit chaotic , changeable.
I did want that but
lack confidence with a dog of a difficult background and I thought pup could be early socialised into travelling ..?

The rescues I am with often ask for another dog in the house also.

I was like this before we got ours, but that was three years ago and although she's hard work, I wouldn't be without her now. It sounds like you're someone who really needs to have your own dog.

I think that there is nothing like having a dog of your own. The bond and the responsibility that you feel for each other is very positive. There is some compromise involved in terms of absolute freedom, but for me it is more than outweighed by the joy a dog brings to our lives.

Or you get a dog (puppy) that can't tolerate travelling.

It's selfish to get a puppy and expect it to just fit into your lifestyle. You have no idea what temperament it will grow to have.

I quite significantly want to take this option
However , she could change this arrangement at any time couldn’t she - as its her dog

You could take this option and then have another think if she does change the arrangement. Postponing the decision may help you reach clarity.

Oh my lovely, get a dog!

yes they are a tie and bloody hard work, but it sounds like a dog will have the life of riley with you (and there’s nothing like the love of a dog)

of course I’d say get a rescue ( have you thought about greyhounds?) but if you’ve your heart set on a puppy- a good breeder (will know the pup temperament ) and will puppy match you to the most ideal pup.

let us know how you what you decide x

Although i love my mates dogs - the moment o seriously decided to get my own - it was like an internal switch went off and I sort of detached a little
All i can say if until i the day before she died , i took pictures and videos of my old girl just drinking of something as i found her so endearing.
I am little afraid that i cannot love another as i did her.
I am dreading the hard work of a pup - i really am- but its about getting a as healthy as poss a dog for me and also the maternal feeling of something small - its dependance on me ?
I am aware that having quite significant trauma in my early years unconditional love is very important to me .
The person who said i was selfish to get a puppy and expect it to fit my lifestyle- I felt awful- i assume that a dog that goes most places with its owner on small and large
adventure s would be happy ! Am I being niave or selfish. ? Seriously id like an exploration of this . i aware that the trauma of my past did affect me ( had trauma therapy in hospital some years ago and had assessments that i was told were the same ones that war veterans have - and that i have trauma resposes / tracks in my brain as result of sustained trauma as a child) so i am aware that sometimes i still go into deep anxiety and overthink. My husband says that I am happier around animals- I wasn’t going to discuss this in the slightest- but its who i am and it maybe gives folk some context to this and need s to be part the of the. Weighing up process.

all I know if that my previous dog was my life - i loved the connection so much.
i think that i am afraid that i will never love another dog as much and that scares me just now
i did view other pups - i cried when i met this one as she licked me . i just feel its a roll of the dice and am deepy terrified! - like what if like the person above says she dislike travel and my life stops! Id assumed. Pups mould to you and yr life .-‘am wrong?

If you were a new owner with your reservations I would say no, but you are a previous owner and know all the ins and outs of owning a puppy/dog and the commitment needed, we all have doubts about getting a new dog and whether they will be compatible, but your set up sounds great for a new puppy or dog, the puppy stage doesn’t last that long, before you know it, they are 6 months old, then a year. Is your DH onboard with getting a puppy.

Its logical to agree to have a part share in my mates dog but on the other hand - i will know it’s always her dog ?
in some ways i get the benefit without the cost and commitment- sounds the best of both worlds on paper- ive been looking after her once a week for a year now and she has the easist temperament.she is so bid able and people focused- but ironically- its that dog that has triggered this as it made me want my own !
can anyone understand why , tho i love this dog amd id have all the freedom in the world in a part share - that i am not sure - is it because shes not mine ? It seems such an ideal solution - she wd be with me x4 days a week inc overnight… but …. Something feels off and i cant for the life of me put my finger on it .
i am a very black on white person and I struggle to see shades of grey .

My dh is on board about a puppy not because he want one , but because he feels i am a happier person with one . He wants me to do the lions share of things .

But i see him with my mates dog and he dotes on her !

I have pretty much always had dogs since I was a teenager, always 2, because I cannot imagine life without a dog, however, I don't feel you should get a dog. I don't know if you are in the UK, I tried in the last few years to get a rescue, literally England Ireland Scotland and Wales. We're retired, home all the time,200 foot garden on the edge of a village,fields 2 roads away, same with the Downs,10 minutes from the sea. Then the criteria,must be the only dog, rural home,no visiting children, I have 3 dgks nearby,one staying now. I've had a lot of border collies, the specialist rescue centres didn't even respond. I subsequently found out from a huge amount of people this is why they adopt from abroad.. puppies are hard work, I definitely wouldn't get one at this time of the year. I spent 6 months looking for a puppy, got the last one in September at 7 weeks old,((she's now 2) unfortunately 2 weeks later Covid, really ill, I was hoping to get a summer puppy, but even without Covid going outside in the cold and dark, saying go wee wee,is no fun. I had one collie who was very travel sick, I have friends with dogs who hate cars, traveling..you say you need something to love, assuming you don't have children,you do have a husband who is happy with you travelling, including a month abroad,is he the love of your life? I can read between the lines, have also done psychology and my DH had child hood traumas, I feel I can recognise what happened to you, and feel for you. Enjoy your friends dogs,if they change the arrangements,go to "walk my dog".

Get the dog. Dogs are adaptable - most will be happy as long as they have you with them amd a safe space if it gets too much.

Nannyfannybanny
thank uou - yes been looking at rescues and its like they dont respond
I too am retired- live rurally by the sea.
I have a v gentle life.
I do have adult kids but they live away and re my dh - he is loveky and kind etc but my closeness to him is sadly not that strong - the trauma I had v sadly affects my feelings of safety without my wishes and the safest i feel is actually with animals - despite my dh being a lovely man .
why do you think that i shdnt get o dog with yr knowledge of the trauma, just intrested- i say that because i find them deeply soothing. Re borrow my dog- yes ive been looking after my mates for a year - its great but its not same as own.?

Ps I have chosen a Bichon which is a breed that i know - based on their trait of companion dog

Their unconditional love, companionship and the absolute pleasure they bring us over the years will make any anxiety you may have felt at the start seem like a distant memory

this is what i am trying to think

re a winter puppy
yes ive not had a winter pup beforehand- the way i train pups is i remove pee pads- i take them in the garden evey j
hour and praise them - and say a special word.
they are trained in a few days this way in my experience ( with occasional accidents)
i use pads in a playpen at night which has a crate in it - this way they do use the pads at night - i know i shd get up in middle of the night to let them out but the lack of sleep - I really stuggle more than 2 days.i am 62. Next.

I would do auntie thing with my friends dog- but id get so attached then struggle if she then said “ you cant have her anymore.. etc

I'd say no. Don't get a dog.
I think you're at a point in your life where freedom to travel is the most important thing. Yes, a dog can go with you, but most dogs like stability and it won't be given the choice. The dog doesn't understand your needs taking priority over its own.
Dog ownership has changed in the last few years, people are taking dogs everywhere. They imagine that the dog is happy as long as it's with the owner, that's all it needs. It's not always true. Some dogs can cope with it but others can't and it makes them anxious.
If you really want a dog you sometimes need to make other sacrifices.
Are you willing to do that?

You seem very unsure, so my advice would be don't. Because it isn't fair on the dog.
I'm almost the same age as you. We got a puppy last year. We had waited a long time after our previous two dogs died. But when it came to looking for a pup we were 100% committed. Absolutely no doubt in our minds that it was the right choice, that we were ready for it.

You say you feel safest with animals and find them soothing but what if it turns out that this one can't give you that? The vision you have in your head isn't reality and you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.
I've had a very cuddly dog that wanted to be near me all the time, but later on, another (of the same breed) that was independent and aloof and didn't want cuddles.
Our current pup isn't very sociable at all, she's not a "go everywhere" dog like the previous one. She needs home and routine. They're all different and I think you need to consider this before you get a pup, rather than visualising the ideal dog, because that doesn't exist.

I was just like you about 10 years ago - newly retired but disabled and missing a dog in my life. The option of a sort of dog share or my very own.

I reserved one and then spent 4 weeks regretting the decision - thinking it would be too tieing and unfair on the dog.

I did it and in all honesty it was hard . Like you, I had found getting a rescue difficult as I needed a dog that would be great with small children , travel in a car , good with other dogs, and generally fit in and a rescue organisation that would accept me. The last criteria was the hardest.

After 10 years , I have a small dog who has changed me. Yes, he was trained as a puppy with daily car rides, adores any kids , happy to walk at my pace tied to a scooter or off out with my friends, but he has also changed me and my ways.

Would I do it again? When at 10 years of age he brings yet another toy to see if I would like another game I despair but he has changed me for the better.

When I question if it was fair on the dog to buy him people say he is the happiest dog they know.

It sounds like you have a hole that needs filling and that your friend's dog is trying but not achieving that. The problem is that you won't know until you try it. When days have been tough or the dog has not fitted into my ideal I have thought back and said I made a commitment and one I will stick with - if you are prepared to do that I would go ahead personally - he will no doubt be companion and quasi therapist all rolled into a bundle of energy.

Herberty
thank you - appreciate it .
yes i do value travel v much but i do feel there is a gap in my life .
i party like it when the dog goes home- but i wonder that that is because of the bond .

i do recall the last 2 years of my old girls life being hard and i dread that as well as oup phase- but yes there feels a gap .
i found a litter were both parents Have good disposition s- the dad is a champion- i didnt choose the litter for shows or anything like that but the kennel club advise that temperment - a good one - would be part of that/ why he is a champ - so i am hoping that I have the best chance of a pup that has typically bichon traits - friendly , adaptable.