TW: end of life - human. I think I'm going to be asked to adopt a friend's dog after his wife passes away which is imminent. Don't know what to do.

[Needseriousadvice]

I think I'm going to be asked soon by a not-close friend to take on their dog as his wife is in palliative care and he has stated he will be returning to his home country if/when the worst happens.

I'm going to stick to facts, but please bear in mind everyone involved is devastated and maybe not thinking clearly. I have also NC for this.

Our kids grew up together but are no longer close.
We know each other as my friend was the parent that did a lot of school stuff, his wife was the breadwinner. She has been battling her condition for 8+ years.
This would be a long term, multi thousand pounds commitment as the dog is 4 years old.

The dog has a lovely nature, and gets on with my older dog, but obviously walks together is very different from living in the same house.

The dog is 45kg and used to being on furniture/ beds, our dog has never been allowed to do this.

He hasn't directly asked me, but a few months ago he made a comment that if anything happened to them, they would like the dog to come to me. I was shocked , said of course that won't ever happen, and asked if their child (20) would not look after the dog, the response was that the child would not want this.

The dog is used to having someone in the house 24/7, I work part time husband works FT my child works FT.

My husband and child are softies and have said to me that of course we will do this if asked, but practically this will be very very difficult.

We will be going from one older large breed rescue dog to having a large breed and a giant dog, I don't want to underestimate the challenge and commitment here. We do have the room in the house and we live in a rural area.

But my heart is saying how can I refuse?

My friends wife is spending some of her last days with her family asking and worrying about their dog. Please don't judge my friend harshly he has had hell in the last few years and is heartbroken. I can't blame him for wanting to be with his family in the coming months.

Sorry this is all over the place but honestly my mind is a mess. I've tried not to leave anything out.

What on earth do I do?

Just say no you won’t be able to do it.

The kind thing to do would be to say to your friend, I know you've mentioned about leaving the country once wife dies. I know you'd hoped I would take the dog but I won't be able to. Would it helpful if I looked into other options for you, and helped you make some arrangements now, so you won't have to worry about it when the time comes.

Could you tell him that you will help him find a home for the dog? Could you offer to foster while that goes through?

You need to say no, straight away. Do not offer to foster, you’ll be stuck.

Why can’t he take the dog with him?

I think this might be the best way forward

I'm not sure why the dog can't go too, sorry I don't have that info

Im soft, but I'd do it. Perhaps they'd financially contribute/put aside some money form the estate? I've rehomed a dog (not mine but found a home with a friend for another friend)& the friend taking the dog didnt have much £ so 'rehomer' paid for food and vet bills for the duration.

I dont think the difference in lifestyle (furniture rules, working hours) needs to be a problem. A lot of dogs have multiple different homes and changes to patterns and rules and thrive. Dogs are adaptable and learn. As long as it gets on with your other dog there might not be a problem.

My dog for instance is allowed on my sofa. But she's never even attempted to get on anyone else's. This is why dogs can be hard to train, they dont learn like we do-a dog that's learned to 'sit' will often embarrass when you try to demonstrate this in someone's else's house because to them it is 'new' to do it elsewhere from where the dog learnt that. They also follow patterns of an 'established' dog.

I already had a dog when I rescued mine, who wasnt trained. I didnt have to toilet train her at all, she just followed the older dog about and picked it up.

Agree.

It is not your responsibility to shoulder.
Will a large breed rescue centre be able to help? I know most are packed to the rafters but I'm sure someone would take him.

Alternatively if the main reason you don't want the dog is due to costs maybe you could ask if he would provide you with a one off payment or monthly payment to help towards the dogs costs. If he is selling their property following his wife's death to fund return to his home country then he could afford to make a mothly payment to you towards the dogs costs.

Obviously you are going to have to tread carefully with how you suggest this.

Before doing anything I would offer to have the dog for a few days and see how it fits in with your lifestyle before making any commitment.

What the dog will need is a loving home with owners who can meet its needs, that doesn’t need to be you! The dog will not be aware of the family friendships, loyalties and sentiments that underpin your feelings here.

Say that you will commit to helping to find the right home for the dog.

I’d ring around a few local rescues so that you are offering positive solutions if he asks you. I think saying no is absolutely the right thing but I also get refusing a grieving man would be challenging.

If I were you I’d find a way of saying something in advance even if it involved a white lie about your dog getting aggressive/reactive around other dogs and you needing to minimise his time around them.

Say sorry but you won't be able to take the dog. Tell him it wouldn't be fair to either the dog, your family or your own old dog. Research charities that rehome dogs when people have died and give him the information.
You shouldn't feel guilt tripped into doing something that would be a commitment for any years.

If the dog is a pedigree then there is usually a specific breed rescue, I would help him look into that. I wouldn’t offer to foster, as rescues are struggling at the moment and it could be an indefinite commitment so effectively the same as taking the dog in yourself.

It’s very sad, but you cannot let that sway you into taking on a huge amount of work and a massive financial burden.

This.

This would be a long term, multi thousand pounds commitment as the dog is 4 years old

If it's a giant breed at 45kg, the life expectancy is usually shorter than for a smaller dog, so it might 'only' be for a few years. But that would both shorten the commitment and bring forward the time when the dog would have all the age-related problems that get expensive very quickly.

Agree with other posters. I had a similar experience in that my dad hoped I would take his dog after his death. I knew it wouldn't be right for the dog or for my family, but I felt really guilty, esp in relation to my siblings, since it meant we were all left with the question of what to do with the dog.

As an alternative to taking the dog, I tried to be as helpful as possible with the research necessary to find reputable rehoming organisations in the local area.

In the end, the dog was taken on by a close neighbour, who had been increasingly caring for him while my dad was ill. Turned out to be an ideal situation, with a seamless gradual transition from one side of the street to the other.

The Cinnamon Trust might be able to help..

I'm sorry that you find yourself with this dilemma.

As a giant breed devotee, I'm not without bias. I'd be inclined to try, but start as you mean to go on, and don't allow the dog on the bed. Ours don't go upstairs at all, they have freedom downstairs but we use dog gates to prevent them accessing the stairs and the front door.

Whatever you decide, I would urge you to please not put a giant breed dog into a generic rescue centre. The needs of dogs this size are very specific and very different from those of the average dog.

If the dog is a purebred, or even a cross, the breed specific rescue may be able to help. They should be able to find a foster home, which is far preferable to this poor stressed dog being in a random rescue centre through no fault of its own. They may ask you to foster it short term until a home could be found, but if you can make discreet enquiries now there should be less pressure when the time comes.

If asked again say no, including to having the dog to stay temporarily. Your friend asked too much. It could even muddy the waters for you to research options for him.

You say no.

My FIL died unexpectedly. MIL was pulled over by his strong dog and broke her wrist. We advertised the dog as due to death of owner Fido was looking for a new home. Listed his breed, good points. We were inundated with kind offers. He went to a lovely couple locally who actually kept in touch for a while. He settled in happily.

Incorrect. 45kg would be on the smaller side for a giant breed anyway, it does not imply Dane, Wolfhound or Saint, which are the short lived breeds. Some giants (Pyreneans, Anatolians) can and do live for anything up to 15 or 16 years.

We got our rescue from a breed specific rescue, ours is a cross with the same breed as my friends dog, who is a pure breed.
I think I will contact them

It is one of the large shepherds

If you’re struggling between a head and heart decision, guess the question is, do you actually want the dog? If you really don’t then it’s not the right decision. You’d likely end of regretting it and maybe even resenting the dog for the extra work it’s brought into your life. I think it’s lovely that you will offer to help him make better arrangements though. In the long run, it’s far better for doggo to live with a family who’s genuinely excited by having it with them.

If it came from a decent breeder they tend to insist on a contract that says if the new owner can’t keep the dog it has to be returned to them.

If it's a livestock protection breed like mine (Pyrenean) I'd definitely go breed specific rescue; you'll already know how sensitive these dogs can be.

Good luck. It's a very sad situation, but I'm pretty positive that the perfect home is out there for this dog. There are many lovers of the big friendly giants.