TW: end of life - human. I think I'm going to be asked to adopt a friend's dog after his wife passes away which is imminent. Don't know what to do.

[Needseriousadvice]

I think I'm going to be asked soon by a not-close friend to take on their dog as his wife is in palliative care and he has stated he will be returning to his home country if/when the worst happens.

I'm going to stick to facts, but please bear in mind everyone involved is devastated and maybe not thinking clearly. I have also NC for this.

Our kids grew up together but are no longer close.
We know each other as my friend was the parent that did a lot of school stuff, his wife was the breadwinner. She has been battling her condition for 8+ years.
This would be a long term, multi thousand pounds commitment as the dog is 4 years old.

The dog has a lovely nature, and gets on with my older dog, but obviously walks together is very different from living in the same house.

The dog is 45kg and used to being on furniture/ beds, our dog has never been allowed to do this.

He hasn't directly asked me, but a few months ago he made a comment that if anything happened to them, they would like the dog to come to me. I was shocked , said of course that won't ever happen, and asked if their child (20) would not look after the dog, the response was that the child would not want this.

The dog is used to having someone in the house 24/7, I work part time husband works FT my child works FT.

My husband and child are softies and have said to me that of course we will do this if asked, but practically this will be very very difficult.

We will be going from one older large breed rescue dog to having a large breed and a giant dog, I don't want to underestimate the challenge and commitment here. We do have the room in the house and we live in a rural area.

But my heart is saying how can I refuse?

My friends wife is spending some of her last days with her family asking and worrying about their dog. Please don't judge my friend harshly he has had hell in the last few years and is heartbroken. I can't blame him for wanting to be with his family in the coming months.

Sorry this is all over the place but honestly my mind is a mess. I've tried not to leave anything out.

What on earth do I do?

Even on my deathbed I think I could acknowledge that this would be too much to ask of someone.

I’ve been asked to take dogs several times and said no because at the end of the day it’s no good for the dog either if coming into a less than ideal situation. Has to be right for everyone. It sounds as if this dog will find a good home.

I'd look after it. Sorry, that might not be what tou want to hear. I know it's difficult.

The other option is finding a charity for that specific breed. But I still wouldn't be able to do that. It's a heartbreaking situation all round.

I think I've got what I need out of posting here.

I am going to speak to my friend and offer to contact breed specific rescues or charities that can help. If he outright asks me to take the dog I think I'll have to gently decline, citing working patterns and a few other reasons which are reasonable.
There are a few of us ( child's friends parents) who are in contact with him and a couple have already offered support so he knows he is not alone.
The dog is a lovely gentle dog but I think it will be too much for us and like another poster suggested I would not want to come to resent the dog as it's not deserved.
I worry that in his grief my friend will be angry with me but that can't be helped.

Thanks for all the replies

Specific rescue charities are wonderful. A friend has had two golden retrievers. As has a neighbour over the years from a Goldie one.

I would probably take the dog in in your shoes.

My first step would be to contact the breeder - a decent one may offer to have it back or help find a new home.
Otherwise a breed specific rescue is best.

Sounds the best idea. I volunteer with a breed specific rescue for my breed of dogs and they really understand the dogs and what type of homes they need. Most of ours go to homes with owners that already have this breed and are also only fostered in homes not kennels whilst being assessed.

Oh god, and now my husband has messaged to say he has asked his work if he can WFH 2 days a week so between us someone is home for the dogs. Plural.
He's a gorgeous hearted man which is why I love him but flips sake it's all up in the air!

Definitely- they specialise in exactly these circumstances.

Your DH’s offer doesn’t change anything IMO.

Your DH’s offer doesn’t change anything IMO.

Would there be any way that you could foster the dog short term, with the support of the breed rescue as back-up? That way at least you could see how things go as to whether it will settle with your own dog and if things would work out in regard to work schedules.

We've done 2 giant, 3 giant together for years btw, so I'm not underestimating how daunting it must feel, but it sounds as if your husband is thinking it could be feasible.

Op if the spouse and child of the owner do not feel guilty about not keeping the dog, why should you feel guilty about not taking it?

You do not want to which is reason enough.

The answer IF asked is no.

My lab is around 28kg. I couldn’t imagine handling a dog almost twice his size.

Thus us one of those situations whereby yog’re been put in an awkward situation through no fault of your own. Dog aside, there’s all the extra expense of food, insurance etc.

This dog is not your responsibility, and not your problem to solve. As others have said, support your friend on finding a good home, but you’re under no obligation to take it on. (And don’t feel guilty in this). it’s actually a bit cheeky to assume you will take thus dog on. It’s hardly a chihuahua.

Good point.

The things that would concern me most are:

(1) would my dog and the new dog get on living together - there's a big difference between meeting and living together, especially if one dog is older and used to being the only one

(2) separation issues if the dog is used to people being around 24/7. I have a dog who had separation issues, I know your husband said about changing work hours but it's not that simple. It took me months to work through to the point where my dog was ok being left. In the meantime I couldn't leave him to go to the doctors, to see friends, to go shopping etc. I even had to take him with me to take the bins out in the early stages! Has your husband really thought this through - what would you do about a parents evening, a medical appointment, being called in to work on his day at home etc. Even now when my dog is happy to be left, he still struggles with kennels. So if I want to go away I have to find someone to stay at mine. The dog might not have any of these issues, but please don't underestimate what an impact it can have whilst you train them to be ok alone.

I don't think you should take this dog on if you would rather not. It isnt really your responsibility. It's up to the owner to find a suitable home for it.

This is a very good point, I would like to know their reasons but you can appreciate I'm not going to outright ask at the moment.

I agree with both of your points here and they are also my major concerns.

Any type of trial or foster will fail and the dog would never leave like PPS have said that's a very dangerous move, it would be even more difficult to extract ourselves from this if the dog even stays one night.

Husband and child are keen but I don't think they are thinking about this practically.

I would love to say yes, but I honestly don't think that this is a good idea.

All 3 of us are going to have a good talk tonight.

We need to be on the same page it's not fair for me to default to the 'badguy'

Sorry if this still isn't making sense it's been an emotional day.

You've said that the owner is moving abroad, so obviously it would take time before they were settled in a new place. That in itself would be a major upheaval for a large dog. You also say that their child is only 20, so I don't think it is unreasonable to imagine that the average 20 year old would probably not have the lifestyle to be able to cope alone with a giant breed dog.
I don't think these things necessarily indicate that they don't want the dog or that there is anything wrong with it. I very much doubt that it is an easy decision for the existing owner. They just want the best possible home for their dog, and clearly they feel they could trust you.

But I now see your response to my comment, so it does sound as if breed rescue is going to be the only option for them to take. I suppose the sooner you can make this clear to them the better.