Need help, should I rehome our beloved dog? :(

[Flowermum231]

Hi all, coming on here because I just need some opinions away from the real world. Please be kind I’m honestly devastated with the situation and my heart is breaking.

I’m mum of three beautiful kids (9,7 and 3.5) - we have a beautiful spaniel Cooper who’s 18 months old. I can’t put into words how much we adore this dog, all of us - he’s truly a member of our family, he’s walked twice daily, not left alone for longer than a couple of hours at a time and in many ways he is the perfect dog but since he was 6 months old he’s shown guarding/anxious behaviours - he’s often been growling when one of my children goes near his bed etc. this then progressed to him guarding me so sometimes he would growl when my child came to sit on me - he’s also quite noise sensitive so would bark when my kids run around the house or were shouting at each other (as children do!). We worked with a behaviourist for a bit to try and help with these behaviours and there was some improvement. All the while this was going on he would still come and cuddle up with my kids when they sit on the sofa (when they are quiet and calm), play with them, get treats from them etc…

A couple of months back things started to get very stressful in our house - my daughter had 4 hospital admissions (ambulances on blue lights turning up at our house) and I also had a stay in hospital for a week after getting sepsis. Cooper is incredibly sensitive and seemed to pick up on the sadness/stress we had going on. In the middle of all of this, he bit my family member when she tried to take him by the collar (it didn’t leave a mark but we were all shocked) another time we had family over in the kitchen (quite a small space) he growled when my son approached him and I took him by the collar and told him to go in his bed (as I’ve done many many times before) - he turned around and pounced on my arm leaving scratches and a bite (this didn’t break the skin but left a red mark, he ran to his crate and looked so sorry he didn’t move for the rest of the night. instantly I was devastated, I knew I couldn’t leave him in the house with my precious children so the next morning he went to stay with a close family member - we’ve continued to see him frequently but now 8 weeks down the line we have to make some decisions about Coopers future.

My head is telling me we need to rehome him - he finds our busy household too stressful and it’s not fair on him. At the very least I’d have to keep him separate from the children apart from in the evenings when everyone is settled and calm and I can be on full supervision. This sounds like a half life for everyone. I’ve found a family friend (adult only) household who’s would love him so at the moment this is our plan.

Despite me knowing this is the most sensible option it feels like our hearts are breaking into a million pieces. We have so many amazing memories with Cooper, my children adore him, he is part of our family and we’ve put lots of time into trying to train him, growling aside he’s the most loyal and protective dog, he also guards my children from other dogs/people - it’s like his wires are just crossed 😔 in the 2 months we’ve not had him with us we’ve all just felt so empty without him in the house, my children still ask for him daily. I keep thinking perhaps we could try another behaviourist or medication but then I feel terrible for even considering this when I know there would be a risk of my children being bitten. My husband said this is a risk with any dog but now that he’s done this twice, I can’t help but feel we’ve had all our chances with him.

I’d really love to hear some opinions - this is honestly the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make 😢

So both times when he bit, it's been triggered by someone trying to take hold of his collar in an already heightened situation?

I don't say that to blame you but to point out that there's a clear and obvious trigger here. I personally don't take hold of my dogs collar when I want to send her to her bed, I call her over to me and reward her with a treat instead. In fact I pretty much never physically move her - I just tell her to move, or ask another family member to call her away. She doesn't bite or guard, but I think grabbing collar is quite a threatening way to move a dog and IMO would make biting/guarding much more likely.

Growling is a sign there's a problem but it's important to remember that growling is literally your dog using his words. It's a polite warning that he is uncomfortable and should never be punished.

I'd understand if you decided to re-home. Your DC are young enough that keeping him would be very tricky. But the new owner, or you if you want to keep him, should join the Dog Training Advice and Support group on FB and get advice from their experts on managing his behaviour going forward!

I think putting the needs of your doggy first is the right way forward.

i also think you doggy’s behaviour is of concern, but if its related to stress and doggy being uncomfortable/unsafe, then being in quieter house with adults may be better.
understandable that you all miss doggy, but they are still young enough to settle again.

not easy for you 💐

Growling is a sign there's a problem but it's important to remember that growling is literally your dog using his words. It's a polite warning that he is uncomfortable and should never be punished

This needs saying again and again. I have seen so many instances of a dog being told off/sent to their bed etc for growling when it just makes matters so much worse.

You need to encourage your dog to 'use their words' and teach the whole family to understand the meaning of them. Because if they're silenced, if they learn they're not allow to growl, they'll snap instead.

Yes completely - me taking his collar was complete instinct to move him away from my son (I didn’t room this in a harsh way or shout at him - I was just trying to guide him away from the many people was around and getting distressed by) but ever since I’ve been kicking myself and wondering if he has any pressure points on his neck etc, we took him straight for an examination with the vet too but she couldn’t find anything that would cause him discomfort. Thank you for your message anyway - I’ll take a look at the group you suggested.

It’s a difficult one but my instinct is to say rehome with your family member, at least you’ll be updated on his progress and know he is going to a good home. Sounds like you’ve tried hard with the training but with three children it must be hard. My husbands workmate had to rehome his dog in similar circumstances but it went to a good home and they have no regrets. Of course it will be heartbreaking to let your dog go and I really feel for you. We have two labs and one is a pointer cross - he used to growl when physically moved off the sofa but we don’t tend to move him now, rather he’s called down and he can get possessive over toys and can growl occasionally but very rarely. Like another poster said it’s a dogs way of communicating but I guess you never really know how it will escalate. Sending hugs and hope you can come to the right decision for you and your dog

Yep, dog needs re-homing.

You have done the right thing, sending him to a relative. He’s does need rehoming, preferably to a quiet family home with no children. If your family member won’t take him, spaniel aid are a reputable charity who will help you. I got my own spaniel from them.

If he started to improve then I would be inclined to take him back and continue with what the behaviourist suggested. Your children are at least old enough to understand basic rules to follow regarding him.

Whenever our dogs are calmly settled In the house, I walk over and drop a treat right by their front paws/nose and walk away, don't make eye contact, this way they don't think they need to do anything and never follow me. So they know that someone approaching is a good thing, and there is no pressure on them to do anything.

If you need him to move, call and get him to follow a treat into his bed/off furniture /into another room etc

He has growled, which is a normal form of communication, and nipped you once without breaking skin as you grabbed his collar, (not criticising you btw), all very manageable I think. The growling is because he is unsure/anxious, make him feel secure by offering the treats and giving him space in the house.

There is no question that you need to rehome this dog.

Don't be so ridiculous. She's got small children and a dog that's getting overwhelmed with stressful family life.
It's heartbreaking @Flowermum231 but you know you are doing the right thing primarily for your lovely dog but also for the safety of you and your children.

Please don't rehome the dog until you've worked with him more. He has strong bite inhibition (he didn't break the skin) and so is communicating to you he needs space. You are sending the message to your children that when a family member finds life hard, you work through it with him.

I would also do some blood work ups with the vet to rule out any underlying disease. Often this sort of reactive behaviour is due to pain or other physiological stress.

Hang in there with him. If you love him, it's worth it. This is said from experience of a very similar situation, and I'm so glad we hung on to her girl and solved her issues together.

*our girl..

I think you have come to the right decision. You are not the best home for this dog.

I would go back to the vet. He is bang on the age for things like hip dysplasia and other pain related issues to come to light.
I would say he is in probably in pain and struggling.
What does day to day life with him look like. I would say it's not bad or wrong to have him separated out for some quiet time when the kids are at their most active. Is there a safe place he can be where he can go to chill where the kids know they are never to mess with him?

From what you have said he hasn't actually properly bitten. He has sort of nipped but it's very much a warning and shows that he has really quite good bite inhibition.

The dog needs rehoming, but for his sake, not because he’s done something wrong.

I don’t mean this harshly but he’s too much dog for you. Spaniels are not content with a couple of walks a day and nothing else. They are working dogs with brains which need to be occupied. They need a job. They are notorious for guarding behaviours, to the extent that this needs to be proactively trained for before it starts when they are puppies - otherwise it’s basically to be expected in them. The times he went for people were times when he was provoked. His anxiety levels must be very high, and in the right home they will come down - one of the best cures is work, so he needs a home where he can be a spaniel, not just a dog.

If you want another dog, you would be better with a non-working breed which is much lower demand. A bichon frise or something like that.

It sounds like you have lost your confidence to remain the Alpha with your dog and in your head your decision is made. It also sounds like you are a very responsible and loving dog owner as you have tried to get help. Us mums can’t make the decision for you which tbh, is what is sounds like you need. The hardest part of being a responsible pet owner is doing the right thing for the animal and if that means letting them go then you have to be strong and do it. Don’t see it as giving up but see it as giving the dog the chance to be the very best dog he can be. If I can be very frank, I think you are putting off the inevitable which will make it harder on you all in the long run

You need to re-home.

It’s pretty clear from what you’ve said this has been bubbling for a long time and, being frank, you’ve not handled it well. And him ‘guarding’ your children from other people is a serious issue - his wires are not ‘crossed.’ He has seriously behavioural issues that require an experienced owned to deal with - not being foisted off onto a family friend. I’m not trying to be harsh, but you sound woefully naive about dog behaviour.

There is never any need to hold a dog by its collar and never any need for anyone to approach a dog when it’s in their bed. The second issue is likely what’s caused the escalation in behaviour now - he repeatedly had his boundaries broken. You cannot medicate a dog for issues you had a hand in causing - he needs proper care.

This is, unfortunately, a tale as old as time - dogs and young children don’t mix. He needs a child free home where he won’t be bothered when he’s sleeping, where his behaviour can be worked on, his boundaries will be respected, he gets the stimulation he needs and people won’t grab him to move him.

Rehome. The poor dog can't cope with all the noise and I don't blame him.

Is he working bred or show?

Rehome him. For him really tbh - you don't speak his language. Attempting to move a stressed dog via his collar is a good way to be bitten - you are forcing him into a vulnerable state.

Children and dogs CAN work - but tbh you need to train the children as much as the dog. My DD grew up around working dogs but under incredibly close supervision. At 3 1/2 kids are loud and unpredictable, two things that put dogs on edge. But they are also old enough to have it drummed into them that they do NOT go near a sleeping dog (which was in the 'do not run away from me' or 'do not run across the street' category of behaviour for my child).

If he is working bred then there is going to be a lot of frustration- he's simply not being stimulated enough. Walking doesn't work the brain and spaniel are clever and switched on, bred to solve problems and work with you. At 18 months he's a good age to start gundog training, but I would very much recommend rehoming. Spaniel aid are wonderful.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position OP, it sounds incredibly hard for you all.

However I do think you need to rehome for your dogs sake, he’s clearly incredibly stressed and anxious in your household. You’d be doing the best and most loving thing and putting his needs first.

It always surprises me that working spaniels have the reputation for being good family dogs as in my experience they’re not at all! They are sensitive, prone to guarding and need far more input than just ‘normal’ dog walks

Rehome him. You're a responsible home and you've done behaviourist already. I don't think you have any other options. Not all pets are suited to family environments, unfortunately. It's good you've recognised that early and found a home for him.

OP please re read this 👆🏻 Tyger is spot on. Don’t get a working breed when you don’t know what you’re doing with them. If you get another dog look to something else. And maybe not until the youngest is at least 5yo…

It sounds like this is yet another case of someone buying a working dog and not realising how much time and effort they require - a couple of walks a day just doesn't cut it unfortunately.

I don't say that to make you feel bad - you're far from the only one to make this mistake - but it's not fair on Cooper to be in a home where he can't, well, spaniel.

My children have grown up with spaniels in the family since they’ve been born and they know NEVER go to a dog in its bed, unfortunately our house is just not massive so they do have to walk past him in his crate/bed to use the kitchen - we’ve tried it in a few areas in the house to see if there is a quieter place for him but like I said I don’t think our home is big enough for him to have the space and quiet he needs.

I spent a year looking after a dog 2-3 times a week to make sure my children were ready for a dog but where we went wrong was the breed. We looked after a cavapoo and it was all very easy and she was very chilled out in our house. My mum also has a working cocker and she is very relaxed, stays with us happily and adores my children - I guess they are all different. Cooper is from a working line and like others have said just not made to be a family dog, that was our mistake but we will make sure he has an owner that understands his needs and ensure that he has a wonderful life. He has been living very happily with our family member in a quieter home.

Thank you for all the comments it is really helpful, we have a lot of strong opinions on both sides from family but it sounds like our decision to rehome him is the right thing to do.

I'd crate train him, get him a comfy den set up in the house and train him to go to his safe space when things are a bit chaotic in the house.