I cannot bond with puppy - devastated

[Solsticemoon]

Please may i have advice
we got a new puppy , a month after we lost out beloved dog aged 15
initially all was well . She is a really good pup - v few accidents in house - sleeps through .
she is now 6 months old .

i domt feel a connection- ive never felt like this before. Everything is a chore. .I try to go and get breaks .
i realise that i am still greiving my soul mate dog .
if she was affectionate or cuddly , it would really help but she is very confident and independent - for eg she happliy sits in garden for ages by herself and has done since a new pup - never wants to sit on my knee or lie next to me - moves away to rest - no contact wereas my old girl slept spine to spine with me and sat on my knee all night - which I expected as same well known lap dog breed

• so this and the grief and unfair comparison is really affecting the bond

friend has kindly suggested rehome while young I spend each day in tears as i wanted to love this dog so much and it feels like i dont . am terrified am affecting her

the question is ( we got her at ten weeks) could the bond grow or is it best ( for her ) not to take that risk that it wont and decide re home while she is young so she can settle .
this is a terrible situation - feel intensely guilty and very very sad
I genuinely did not anticipate the grief re my old dog to affect things like this . A rescue i spoke to said it is common.
i dont know how to proceed, how to actually’ be ‘ / exist in this situation as infeel an awful person and so distraught.
someone said try longer the bond will grow hyt am really not connected .

Do you do anything with her to help with bonding - agility, scent work, man trailing, that kind of thing?

Losing a dog is devastating and your clearly still grieving. A puppy is bloomin hard work, especially when you compare that to a 15 year old love bug!
I think you either take up the offer from your friend to re-home, or you have to make a massive effort and try and bond with dpup

Oh, OP. You've posted several times about the dog and not being able to bond with her and not loving her.

Rehome her, please, and don't get another dog for a long time. You're clearly not ready and you need to work through your grief first before you try and commit to another dog.

Yes
we have done dog classes which had agility element
we play daily
we go to pubs and cafes daily
i sit as near as she will allow when she snoozes
i make my bed avalibable to her ( took legs off so she can jump up ) she chooses to sleep in own soace but comes on early hours at bottom
i talk and sing to her
i take her to new places and car rides
i buy her treat s
i sit with her in garden

i think alongside the grief is my ( embarrassing) desire for her to want to be near me ( like bed sit- thought lot of pups cried for that contact) - i experience her independence as odd and as aloofness. She is a well known lap dog breed.this contact os more important to me than say walks( which i obv do ) so we feel mismatched (?) as well as the grief.
if i knew she wd become affectionate in the ways i described i would feel reassured but no one can tell me that .

Its such a horrible horrible feeling
the guilt is immense- thee idea of rehomimg feels a failure and that i am letting her down

I think you need a whippet/staffy rescue who will be properly clingy.

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone
can i please ask why did uou say re home her please- i am worried about harmimg her if she stays ( emotionally / as i am upset) and also if she goes .
why do you day that - is it to help her ? I just want to understand..

I really feel for you as I lost my best baby boy 🐱 After a bit I was happy to get a new boy 🐈‍⬛ but he wasn't the same but I love him. Then I rescued another boy 🐱 and i love him too but feel bad but something was missing so I rescued my 🐶 he is my first boy reincarnated and all three get along together x

One of my Labs was very aloof and independent when she was young, wouldn't lie with me, didn't much care for cuddles etc....

All that changed when she got to about 3 yrs. she then became my absolute shadow and still is (now 14!)

She's incredibly affectionate, loves attention and is just the sweetest girl ever.

Yours may well be the same OP, don't give up on her if she is otherwise a fantastic dog.

A month is so, so soon to have got another dog. I lost my old dog at Christmas and we're only now considering getting a new pup. You didn't allow yourself time to grieve fully.

Do try and remember that you're not looking for the same bond you had with the old dog, this one isn't a replacement but a whole new dog.

I had three, the old boy was my cuddle bug. I've also got a more independent and aloof one who is not cuddly at all, but we still have a bond, it's just different. We connect through play, and training, and walks. You're trying to connect with the new dog the way you did with the old one, that's never going to work! Every dog is different and the bond you form with them should be based around who they are, not how they can benefit you.

She sounds like a great dog and it would be a shame to re-home her, but if you really feel you're not ready and still need grieving time, maybe it'd be for the best for the dog.

Because you have posted three different times in a month along these lines (not being able to cope, being miserable because the dog doesn't give you the affection you want) and, if I am being honest, I think the puppy is doing your mental health more harm than good.

You don't need a dog - and a dog shouldn't be filling the gap or replacing a dog you've lost, which is what you seem to be looking for - you need counselling and support.

The current situation is not fair on you or your dog.

You would be. Every dog is so different. Our rescue keeps himself to himself. He isn't cuddly but I know he loves me as he shows it In other ways We walk together and we both enjoy it so much do you do this ? It's great for bonding. You can't get rid of him just because he wont sit on your lap that's really not fair on him. Put him first before your feelings. You will get a bond with time and once the puppy phase is over he may want more affection then. See it through pls don't rehome.

Yes- the same with me. Not a Labrador but similar big dog. We have the most amazing bond now but she started off the same. Would growl when being cuddled!!!

Ok thank you

a dog rescue lady has offered to see if she can be fostered for a week to see if it feels right that she goes

its not her fault
its my genuine mistake and i loathe myself for it

i should have allowed grief

she is a very good dog
i house trained her from day one every half hour and she did not need pads

she has now settled v well at night

she is very confident

she walks on a loose lease much of the time- unless sees other dogs

Oh gosh
some are saying hold on dont rehome
others its fairer to her and me to re home

maybe i will give it a month and also relax a bit knowing i have a choice and try and work on the guilt of how i ( dont ) feel about her .( sadly)

I'm not a dog owner but I got a new cat 3 days after losing my old boy so I know a bit of how you feel
I miss having a lap cat a lot but I've adjusted and I love my new cat for the differences
My old boy was a clingy noisy affectionate lap cat, my new cat is silent, affectionate and never sits on me!
It's whether you can live with that or whether you'll always be comparing which isn't fair
But if you rehome and get another dog in a few years will you be regretting that you rehomed an easy, confident house trained dog?

Dogs are very times into our emotions.

You are doing your utmost to care for your dog but she knows there is a barrier there.

Once your grief from your old dog has healed you will find it easier to bind with your new dog and your dog will sense that change in you.

You're very uptight inside and your dog can tell.

How would you feel if you went to fetch her from the garden and she was gone?

I think you should rehome now, this dog is never going to be what you want which is a reincarnation of your other dog. This dog, as all dogs do even those of the same breed, from the same litter, has their own personality, their own character and you don't want/can't accept that.

Don't drag it out it will be better for both you and the dog for this situation to end.

Please don't rush to get another dog, wait and heal from the loss of your other dog and when you are ready to accept that another dog will not be an identikit but younger version of your previous dog then, and only then, think about getting another dog.

@Solsticemoon I haven't read any of your other threads than this one but what I will say is:

Stop wanting the new pup to be like the dog you lost, it will sense your feelings.
Get on the floor with the pup, just sit or lie down on the floor, you will find eventually the pup may lay close to you.
I am hoping you purchased the puppy from a good breeder, if so, and you do choose not to have the puppy any longer return it to your breeder.
You have chosen to get the puppy to forge a relationship with it, as hard as it may sound you need to put your grief for the other dog aside and learn to love this puppy.

A toy breed or lapdog does not mean it will forever be on your lap or cuddling you - it will choose how your relationship is, do not force it.

She deserves to go to a home where she is loved and not resented.

Its not your fault, you got her too soon after losing your other dog.

The sooner you get rid of her, the more chance she has of getting a home that’s going to love her unconditionally and love the puppy stage.

Don’t keep her out of guilt.
Look for a home where a family will love her and play with her and give her the attention she deserves.

We see rehoming pets as being a bad owner, but many times rehoming them is doing what’s best for them.

Where did you get her from? Any decent breeder would be taking her back, how awful for such a young puppy to find itself in rescue/foster through absolutely no fault of its own. Your expectations of a puppy are unrealistic, who knows at this stage what type of personality she'll become 🤷‍♀️

It’s hard to compare a soul dog to a new pet. Have you thought about a second dog and choose a more affectionate breed. Dachshunds love like nothing I’ve ever known. They aren’t an easy breed but with the older dog to show the ropes it could be a perfect match. Your knee would never be empty they are the most loving little dogs but they love to bark!

Has anyone said don't rehome? A few have said they developed a bond as the dog got older, eg 3 years, but that's not the same as advising you to keep her in your current situation.

OP please do not get a second dog - you are currently thinking of rehoming the one you have, having 2 will not help.