AIBU Re new puppy?

[RhetoricalRectangle]

So, we got a puppy 6 years ago. He was a Cocker Spaniel and hard work from day one. We did all the "right" things like tons of exercise, brain games, training, socialising etc. but he never switched off and was a really anxious boy.
At about 8 months he started resource guarding and, despite us trying prescription medicine from the vet and the advice of 2 vet recommended behaviourists over the course of a further 12 months, this didn't stop, and actually worsened.

We had a baby and tried really hard to manage the situation with crates and baby gates. Hugely stressful but we were devoted to DDog.
We then had 2 separate incidents of him snapping and breaking skin (once me, once teen DD) in situations where he really shouldn't have been reactive i.e. walking past when he had nothing to guard and there was nothing stressful happening.
We made the incredibly difficult decision to re-home to an experienced lady who works exclusively with Spaniels a 3 hour drive away.
This happened 4.5 years ago.

3 weeks ago we decided we were ready for another dog. I'm home all day and will WFH after may leave ends. We went through a KC breeder to get a Maltese (as we have a 5 year old and 1 year old we feel this is a good fit).

Well, my Dsis came round with her kids yesterday to meet the puppy. All went great, lots of fun etc.

When she was leaving, I overheard her say to her DH that she thought we were stupid and selfish for getting another dog after how we had to get rid of the other one. He agreed.

I was so stunned and didn't confront her at the time, and she has no idea I overheard. To my face, she's not said anything.
I asked my mum this morning for her opinion and she said she wouldn't have gotten a pet with a child under the age of 10 so thinks we made a bad decision. :(

Now it's got me thinking. Are we irresponsible? Again, we're doing all we can to ensure pup is happy and confident (local puppy classes, meetings with calm dogs we know, supervising with the kids 100% of the time, giving puppy lots of time away from kids...) However, I do feel extreme guilt at what happened with our old dog, and maybe we were stupid to get another one with young children at home?

The thing is, we've always dreamed of a family with a dog and want our kids to grow up with one.

What do others think?

Sorry, it says above 3 weeks ago we were ready for a puppy, but it was more like 6 months ago we made the decision and found the breeder.

Pup came home to us 3 weeks ago!

I don't think you were unreasonable to get a new dog 5 years after the last it sounds like you tried everything. Your relatives opinion doesn't really matter but I think you could say something to them about it. Enjoy your new puppy and remember how hard it will be.

You sound really sensible. You tried to help the dog you had, found it a suitable home when you couldn’t and have now researched a different breed.

Dogs and children have cohabited for years!

Its not like you bought home an XL Bully!

Well, even without the history, getting a puppy with a 1 year old is making life difficult for yourself from the start. I wouldn't personally get a puppy with children under school age.

Did the breeder know you'd rehomed a dog previously?

I don't think you're irresponsible. I think a lot of spaniels can have problems with aggression and resource-guarding no matter how much work you put into training. You got unlucky. It sounds like you rehomed him to someone who would hopefully be able to manage him. In general, I think dogs and kids get on well together, and as a PP said, you've not exactly brought an aggressive breed home this time.

I agree puppy plus baby = stress, but we're well aware of this.

We could have waited another few years, but then we feel like our 5 year old misses out.

Yes, we chatted with the breeder quite a lot and she knows we re-homed our dog. She also said mum and dad aren't resource guarders at all (she owns mum and dad) and that they're very relaxed personalities.

I think it’s irresponsible to get another dog after rehoming one. She maybe shouldn’t have said it within earshot, but I don’t think she’s wrong.

Also, a terrier with small children is a potentially irresponsible choice in my opinion.

If you're asking for honest opinions, it's not something I would do with a one year old after previously rehoming another dog, no.

I think your youngest child is too young for you to have gotten a puppy especially since you had to regime your last dog. But it’s too late now.

Your Dsis was rude but I think she has a point. If I've understood the timescales your previous dog was 18-24th months old when you rehomed him - which can be a really challenging age. You've now entered into another puppyhood and a forthcoming dog adolescence with a young child. I hope this time round is more positive for you all.

I don't think puppies and young kids go together very well tbh. We waited till ours were school age If your happy then that's all that matters some people will think it's bad that you've got another after what happened before

Thank you, yes, I want honest opinions. Makes me feel more understanding of what dsis said.

DSis is lovely and would never want to hurt my feelings. She thought I was outside at the bbq with everyone else, but I needed a wee!

I'm with your sister

You got rid of a dog you couldn't cope with and are now bringing a puppy into less than ideal conditions.

What happens if THIS puppy turns out to be less than your naive ideal of a dream dog?

Honestly yes, I think you have been irresponsible.

It's not re-homing your old dog that's the issue for me, it's the fact that you've decided it would be a good idea to get a new puppy while also trying to care for a one year old and a five year old - it sounds like a recipe for pure disaster.

Why didn't you wait until your youngest was in school to give you the best chance of success?

I don't think you are stupid. I think stupid would've been to get another spaniel. It sounds like you are working really hard to address any issues - and spans can be a tricky breed (I work them.) especially in pet homes and resource guarding can be a real issue. They are absolutely lovely, but clearly just didn't fit in with you. It sounds like you've researched what sort of dog would work for you and thats all you can do. Are you supposed to never have another one because you had a bad fit last time? Sounds like you rehomed in a sensible manner to an appropriate home.

Children and dogs can be the most lovely combination if undertaken carefully and providing you are very VERY careful about 100% supervision then it can work.

Maltese is not a terrier.

We ruled out terriers, collies, Spaniels and anything with a bad rep (e.g. xl bully, as someone mentioned downthread).

With regards waiting, the issue is that we're hoping for another baby in 2-3 years and by the time that one is school age (if we are lucky enough to have another), our son would be 13 and we'd have missed out on so much time as a dog family.

Many, many families with young chidren have dogs. It seems unfair to me that we "no longer qualify". We did what we could to keep the old dog, it just wasn't safe for anyone and he was always on edge, so miserable.

As I say, we've always wanted to be a household with a dog, and think it's important for children (responsibility, empathy, more outdoor time etc.) but we've held off for several years because of the experience with our last dog.

Absolutely, our worst fear is that we experience issues with resource guarding and aggression and we're really doing what we can to avoid this. If anyone has specific tips on this, I'm always eager to learn.

Many, many families with young children have dogs.

You're right - but unfortunately, many of these dogs also end up in rescue centres or on re-homing sites because their needs aren't being met and their owners can't cope.

There's a very good reason why the vast, vast majority of breeders won't sell puppies to families with toddlers, or why rescues generally rule out under 8's.

@fieldsofbutterflies
Absolutely, it's a fair point.
It is so difficult, though, because the right dog can bring much joy.
I grew up with the most placid Lab and most of my friends also had family dogs through the years. Such fond memories.

We have land, I have the time, finances are sound. I feel we can offer a lot to the pup, but I'm well aware the issues that can arise with kids around :(

Meh we got a big breed dpuppy when ds was a year old. Never encountered any issues. That ddog was impeccable around dc.. Youngest dc is now 9 and we have 4 ddogs. He wouldn't be the caring soul he is without growing up around ddogs. Imo.

I think you are noble for taking these opinions on the chin RhetoricalRectangle but I would probably speak of you in a similar way to your DSis.
Your family seemed to make very heavy weather of the ownership of Cocker Spaniel that you had owned since puppyhood.

That comment about "making heavy weather of it" has actually been quite enlightening.

1. because I've never heard of it (I'm Bristol based!)
2. because it's given me a different perspective

If you knew the old dog, you wouldn't have described it like this. Honestly, this dog was incredibly hard work at all times. The groomer, vet and both behaviorists all said he's one of the most difficult dogs they'd met. This was down to his general anxiety, mistrust of everyone and ability to snap with no warning. We brought him to a "no fear" groomer who specialises in anxious dogs when he was about 12 months old. She called us to say he'd bitten her, and she hadn't been bitten in 20 years of business. And, yes, we'd brought him in muzzled and let her know how unpredictable he could be beforehand.

But my point is, I can see that to the outside world, we're just feckless owners who gave up on their dog. And if that's people's impression when they hear a dog has been re homed, they're not going to be happy with us getting another dog.

In reality, we loved that dog intensely and changed our whole lives/home to try and accommodate him. We tried what we could. But it was ultimately the best thing for him to be rehomed.

We have land, I have the time, finances are sound. I feel we can offer a lot to the pup, but I'm well aware the issues that can arise with kids around

In my experience of working with dogs, the main "issue" with raising a puppy and a toddler is that your toddler always has to take priority. So, for example, what happens when the toddler is on the potty and the puppy is about to poop on the floor? How will you toilet train a puppy when you have a toddler who needs constant supervision?

It's not so much that parents don't have time or money, it's that (naturally) kids come first and it often means that the dog falls by the wayside somewhat. Not maliciously, but just because that's the natural way of things.

I know so many lovely natured, young dogs who are great with children and live with families, but whose needs just aren't being met. The dogs aren't bad dogs - they're not aggressive or nasty or unpredictable, they just need more than what they're being given.

But my point is, I can see that to the outside world, we're just feckless owners who gave up on their dog

I don’t think you’re feckless - but while you’ve got a young child in the house and hopefully another one on the way fairly soon it’s a big step to take on another dog at this point when it could also turn out to have challenges, esp during the tricky adolescent years.

I had a yorkie/maltese cross from 9wks old.
She was fine until we had a baby 3yrs later and she began resource guarding. Over the course of a year, it became unbearable, medication, behaviourists, training. She began guarding my sons toys and clothes and had already drawn blood on me a few times. I began to be fearful of her and for the potential of damage she had, despite being small. For safety, we rehomed her to my parents, just as lockdown started. Things improved a little but the issue never went away completely. Sadly she then became very ill and the sad decision to let her sleep was made.
We had another dog at the same time, a shitzu/yorkie, who is so chilled and has never shown any sign of guarding.
We have recently got another puppy, a shitzu/maltese. Full of beans and settled wonderfully into the home.
I think its awful people have judged you for rehoming your other dog and getting another. I firmly believe some dogs have that temperament, and you did what was safe and fair, just like I did.
I love dogs and want them in the family.
Enjoy your new puppy, don't worry what people think...they didn't have to live with what you did.

And for what it's worth, I now have a potty training toddler....they are training together! 😂