Rehome my dog with separation anxiety

[lauraclark2015]

My heart is breaking writing this post but I am thinking of rehoming my 11 month old puppy.

For background, I am a single mum of two boys who have lots of extra curricular clubs, I work full time albeit mostly from home and family do not live around the corner.

My boys were desperate to get a puppy and after a couple of years I relented. I didn't go into owning a dog blind and knew I couldn't go out and leave the dog for 10 hours a day.

However, having a dog with separation anxiety was nothing I ever expected to have and had never heard of it until I have experienced it. I have sought advice of the vets, a behaviourist and used lots of natural remedies but nothing seems to be improving.

My dog barks, paces, pants, drools every time I leave the home, even if it's to put the bins out. I also have the occasional toileting accident.

I am not lucky enough to be in a position to never be able to leave the dog as I need to collect the kids from school and take them to activities etc so desensitising without taking him over his threshold really isn't an option. It makes me feel sad for him every time I leave knowing how stressed he is. I do keep leaving to a minimum.

I really thought getting a dog should be an enjoyable experience but I'm at the point that I feel miserable and a prisoner in my own home, this also affects the activities I can do with my children. Although I love the dog deeply and in other ways he is such a lovely dog, it really is having an impact on my mental wellbeing.

My children's father and his partner have offered to have the dog as they both love him and have far more time as they only have the kids every other weekend. It would also mean the kids will still get to see the dog.

I am thinking this may be a sensible option but can't help to feel heartbroken at the thought of giving him up. Has anyone else been in this situation?

This sounds like a no-brainer, amazing option for the dog and children. I think you should go for it and feel reassured that he will be well cared for. Would you have the option of caring for him if they go away on holiday?

I think you need to put your emotions aside, think of it entirely from the dog’s point of view, where is it going to be happier?

Sounds like a totally reasonable option to me. The dog is going to someone you know and trust to take care of it (presumably!), it’s a much better situation for the dog so it’ll be happier. No time in kennels. Your kids still get time with the dog.

What you can’t do is nothing - you know you cannot do the desensitisation work, so if the dog stays with you then things only get worse.

Sounds like a good plan - but this situation isn’t going to go away so your ex will have to be prepared to continue working on the SA. Did your vet not suggest fluoxetine? It’s proven to help with SA and can get the dog to a point where behaviour training and support can actually start to work. If they didn’t I would recommend going back to them and asking for it.

I normally would advise taking more time and working with a trainer but in this instance if you know and trust them and you know the dog will be well looked after and they're prepared to deal with the settling in period the dog will have then it sounds like a much better option than rehoming randomly or to the shelter. Either you keep the dog and commit fully to desensitisation work and training or you hand them over to someone else who will do it. The dog is still very young it's important this is properly addressed quickly.

What breed is the dog?

Yes I would most definitely have the option of having him occasionally, say the weekends when I have the kids if I wanted. Equally though I wouldn't want to confuse Teddy with all the coming and going

The vet has just suggested fluoxetine but also advised that it can take 4-8 weeks to start to work. I'm honestly not sure if mentally, I have it in me to spend the school holidays in with the kids, without being able to enjoy some time out doing stuff together. If I started fluoxetine, would I have to do desensitise training for it to take effect?

Teddy is a cockapoo

Do whatever is the right thing by your dog.

Yes, you do the training alongside the fluoxetine. Even if you do pass him onto your ex get him onto the fluoxetine asap as he obviously can’t carry on like that - he’s petrified you’re gone for good when you leave the house. What you’re witnessing is similar to a terrified human.

Your vet will give you a private prescription with 5 repeats - it’s around £25 for this which gives you six months in total. You then take the prescription to a high street pharmacy each month and then will give you a month’s supply of fluoxetine. This costs around £7. At the end of the 6 months you get another prescription from the vet and repeat the process. Well worth around £70 every six months.

I completely disagree with people saying that giving the dog to your ex and his parter is a good idea. It's a bloody awful idea.

Your dog has separation anxiety. Imagine how much worse that is going to be for him seeing your children sometimes but not other times, with no obvious structure (given he is a dog) when he is used to seeing them daily. On top of them SA almost always worsens when dogs are rehomed - even if they already know the people they are moving to. That behaviour them often escalates in new environments and then that new behaviour also needs managing.

I've fostered dozens of dogs with separation anxiety over the last few years and the ones that have suffered worst are the ones where the original owner can't let go (rehomes to friends/family because they can't cope with the idea of not seeing the dog again/upsetting kids) and continue to, essentially, torment the dog until the dog just has a complete melt down. By the time they are completely relinquished, they are usually a complete mess and it takes months - in one case years (and still not fixed) to try and solve.

TBH I think the best thing for the dog is a complete break and a rehoming away from you, the children and the life he knows. A fresh start.

I see there is another perspective from PP to consider, and happy to admit that I might be wrong.

Personally, I can't see how it is better to put a dog in rehoming kennels, then if it's lucky, it goes to a foster home, and then, if it's very lucky, is rehomed. But sadly this rehoming could be to someone who might not appreciate the extent of the SA and returns them to the rescue for the process to restart.

(I have no dog psychology qualifications, but have 4 adopted rescues, with varying histories.)

My eldest son is the favourite person of one of my dog's. He sticks to his side like glue. But my son is a student and mostly away from home. I don't think it's cruel that he only sees him occasionally, when he otherwise has a loving family who are home with him 95% of the time (and doggy family 100% of the time). This dog can be highly anxious due to his past, which we hope will be overcome in time, but I will definitely discuss fluoxetine with the vet, thanks @SirChenjins .

How about a ThunderVest? I had one for a smaller breed but a cockapoo isn't ginormous.

What on earth made you think raising a puppy when you work full time was something you could do?
I understand the desire to have a dog. If you get a rescue adult you have an idea of their temperament before you commit. But getting a puppy is only ok if you've got all the time they need to be raised to adulthood.

Cockapoos are notorious unfortunately for this kind of thing. I know a family with one and the poor dog constantly is running around the house checking that everyone is present and in fact only really happy when they are all in the same room it would appear.
I think if your lifestyle means you can't be present for the dog it may be a simpler solution to re home and this was DC get to still be with the dog.

I think you should re-home him. You've got the perfect solution staring you in the face.

Give the dog to your ex. You'll all be alot happier.

Your dog has separation anxiety. Imagine how much worse that is going to be for him seeing your children sometimes but not other times, with no obvious structure (given he is a dog) when he is used to seeing them daily.

It really depends on whether the dog is hyper-attached to a specific person (causing anxiety when they leave) or whether the dog just gets anxious alone (but can be left quite happily with anyone they know). The former is much harder to deal with than the latter, for obvious reasons.

My own dog has pretty bad separation anxiety nd can't be left by himself for much more than an hour, but if I leave him with FIL, or with friends who know him, he's quite happy and will just slot right in to their routines without a backwards glance.

If OP's dog just hates being by itself, it'll likely be just fine in a home where he has plenty of company. However, if it's OP/the DC he's fixated on, then yes, a whole new home may be kinder long-term - but you then have the issue of the dog going into kennels and potentially never finding someone who can help him deal with his issues.

I think you missed my point.

SA is essentially the fear of being abandoned. OP is about to do that, as are her kids (in the dogs eyes). Then in a week the kids will be back around at the dogs new hours. Then they'll vanish again. Then they'll be back. That's not fair on a dog with SA. It's cruel. On top of that, OP is considering 'Yes I would most definitely have the option of having him occasionally, say the weekends when I have the kids if I wanted. '

I'm sorry. But no one here is actually thinking about the poor dog. Everyone is thinking about OP and what her kids want.

A dog that barks, paces, pants, drools and defecates because of the stress even if she leaves for a minute to take the bins out - is not a dog that will cope with changing homes/humans popping up and then leaving again etc. A dog like that needs routine and understanding. It needs a home that can work on its issues, not a home that has been chosen to keep the kids happy.

I'm sorry but cannot compare it to your dog, unless your dog exhibits the above extreme behaviour when you take the bins out - which you have said it doesn't as you can leave it for an hour. OP can't even take the bins out.

@Killingoffmyflowersonebyone except my dog was like that for years (as in, four years) and I could still happily leave him with family or friends while I worked or went out.

So no, I haven't missed your point. I'm speaking from my own experience.

Except OP isn't leaving her dog with friends and family. She's getting rid of it then taking it back when she wants it...which is cruel and not something the dog will understand and it WILL exacerbate the issues.

And I genuinely can't believe that people on the doghouse think it's okay for a dog to be shunted around for a kids/adults convenience rather than finding a proper home capable of working on the issues.

This.

We rehomed a rescue a few years ago as he just very obviously wasn't content with us. It was the best decision for him by a mile and he's now flourishing. We miss him, it was sad for us, but zero regrets for the woofer at all.

I actually think you're being incredibly unfair (and harsh) in your responses.

The dog isn't being "shunted around" for convenience - he's going to a new home that's much better suited to his needs, with the added bonus that he'll still see some familiar faces.

I'm not sure why you've decided that equates to "getting rid" and being "cruel".

I think rehoming him to someone whom8 around more and also has time to work on his issues is sensible.

whether or not your ex is the right house and whether or not it will confuse the dog by seeing the kids some weekends, etc I have no idea. I’d consult a dog behaviourist and get their opinion.

But OP hasn’t actually said it better suits his needs. Just they have the kids less. That doesn’t mean that they are remotely capable of looking after the dog or helping fix the dogs issues. It’s the easy choice - instead of looking for a home that could help the dog and work on its, the driving factor appears to be convenience for the kids so they can see the dog.

It is cruel. The dog deserves a family that will put him first and not a place where his old family keep popping up and reminding him that they got rid of him - which is the worst thing for a dog with SA.

As I’ve said, I’ve fostered dozens of dogs with SA and seen this happen before. It never ends well. And the people saying it’s a brilliant idea on this thread are irresponsible. It MIGHT work. But statistically, it’s going to end with the dogs behaviour worsening.

But we’re clearly not going to agree. So I’m not going to engage anymore.