Dachshund - a (too) honest breed profile

[GelatinousDynamo]

Friends of mine (both working FT, basically always overwhelmed and late to everything, with two children under six and an absolutely immaculate garden) want to get a dachshund as their first dog (neither of them have ever had a dog, they want one because their children think our dog is cute - he hates them, by the way, all Kooikers hate kids). I laughed, they were offended, I didn't get round to explaining why I laughed. Now I have created a "breed profile" from my long personal experience with dachshunds that I wanted to send them as an explanation, but my DH says not to send it so as not to inflame the situation. He's probably right. However, I am immensely proud of what I have produced and need to share it with the world (or at least with MN), so here it is:

The dachshund is characterised by maximum stubbornness, which is often foolishly described as "character". Instructions from the owner are only carried out if they are deemed worthwhile. If you think you are training your dog- think again, it's training you. They are often described as very intelligent, but this is not necessarily an advantage for the owner. Dachshunds can hear exceptionally well, but they often see no good reason to accept commands. The ears serve mostly as a defence against rain (and as a development area for repeated ear infections).

Some things are wired seriously wrong in the dachshund's head. Their self-perception often leads them to the assumption that they are at least a sabre-toothed tiger. Unfortunately, they will behave accordingly: Dachshund owners have to save the life of their terror-critter several times a day on average. The expression "give in" does not exist in the dachshund's vocabulary.

The dachshund is also well-known in the spade industry. The industry has launched "foldable dachshund shovels" specially developed for dachshund owners to safely remove their dogs from fox or beaver burrows. The hoover industry has also discovered the dachshund for itself and has already developed initial plans to model the latest generation of appliances on a dachshund's face, thanks to their unique ability to suck in any garbage within nanoseconds.

If you are attached to your well-kept lawn - don't get a dachshund. If it decides that there might be moles under all this green stuff, it'll turn your garden into a volcanic crater in no time at all.

These small, crooked-legged creatures are masters at getting completely filthy. They will reliably find the one bestially stinking turd within 100 miles and roll in it thoroughly (and eat whatever's left) - every time. And then choose this very moment to show you that they kind of like you after all.

If there are children in the house, it is advisable not to get pets smaller than the dachshund. It will try to hunt them down as prey. Children in general are seen as a lower caste - at most as beloved servants, at worst as prey or competition.

The breed likes exercise, but is quite long with short legs and therefore prone to back problems. Going up the stairs is ok, but they should be carried downstairs. They do not like to be carried and you will suffer. Their Special Effect is called dachshund paralysis, which can cause pain for the animal as well as high vet costs. In addition to very good liability insurance (the dachshund can bite very well at head height, regardless of what is in front of it), it is therefore advisable to take out health insurance for your dog.

Dachshunds need a balanced diet. They tend to get overweight as they age. Make sure you give your dog high-quality dog food that contains all the necessary nutrients. But don't stress: No matter how good the food - your dachshund will eat everything, just not what's in his bowl.

To summarise, dachshunds are suitable for hunters with a tendency towards self-harm. The owner should be capable of suffering and have a sufficient number of spades with which to dig their over-motivated dachshund out of hare and other burrows.You should also have mastered the art of apologising to other people, especially other dog owners. A certain amount of money for dog training, new footwear and a car adapted to a dirty, smelly lump of dog are also advisable.

PS: I obviously really love those barky little bastards.

When we get comments how lovely ours is, i tell people shes not a good dog to base their idea of what a daxie is like

Ive had dogs my whole life and i k new exactly what they are prone to be like and we worked from day one for them not to be an issue.

They are expensive to insure, their backs and IVDD is a real issue. Ending up with a paralysed dog that needs it bladder manually expressed is a very real possibility.

Very very common breed traits
*a LOT of barking

• terrible seperation anxiety *hard to house train *even if house trained- if its raining...see above. *very nervous dogs (this is the only one we have an issue with)
• absolute fuss pots with food.

They arent 1st time owner dogs alot of the time, they are hounds despite being little and cute and very much act like it.

Obviously there ARE positives and they can be lovely little dogs

We've had two dachshunds (standard smooth), and DH had one as a boy... they've all been different. Some of the characteristics you describe but not all. They were all generally very clean dogs. The last one was very laid back, CBA to dig or hunt. Lived till nearly 17.

You do get the most bark per kilo of dog, to be sure, and the training is a two way process.

But you're right your friends probably shouldn't get a dachshund - tbh if they're both working FT with kids and 'overwhelmed' they probably shouldn't get any type of dog at the moment.

Dachshunds are indeed barky little shits. They aren't stupid and are not above really blatant emotional manipulation. Most of the ones I see locally seem to view all other dogs with undisguised contempt, though my GPs had a wire-haired one, who was very good natured and had a sense of humour.

Initially developed to hunt badgers, they would have needed to be spectacularly arsey for that particular job. Hence many of the traits you identify, which have somehow survived years of being bred for pets and show.

I doubt you'll convince your friends not to get a dog, though as @ErrolTheDragon says, they probably shouldn't get any dog until their lives calm down a bit.

(And being picky, hares do not have burrows.)

Why do people think dogs are stubborn? That is purely a human trait. Some dogs are task driven - those bred to work with humans - gundogs, herding breeds and some are results driven - bred to work on their own - terriers, hounds.

ALL dogs are really trainable if you understand them and what makes them tick. Terriers compete in the highest levels of the dog sports. I know more than a few Daschs who compete in obedience. Obedience!

Let's drop this 'my dog is stubborn and untrainable because it is x breed' mantra. It's not true at all.

I grew up around dogs and worked around dogs. The only dog that has bitten me was my Gran's Dachshund. Usually for misdemeanours such as having legs, sitting in a chair, walking across a room, entering the house, leaving the house....
Being the 1970s it was also never the dog's fault just mine for having legs.

School friend had a huge Doberman and a Daschund, guess which one was absolutely terrifying and had to be locked away when people visited?
Little shit got out once and took a chunk out of another school friends calf as they were walking upstairs.

You're not wrong, @survivingunderarock , but some breeds seem to be more biddable as pets than others. Those bred to hunt or herd at a distance may possibly tend more to having minds of their own. And I think some naive owners mistake dachshunds (and terriers) for lapdogs because of their size and don't put enough effort in. There's a general problem of some owners tolerating antisocial behaviour in small dogs which would be untenable in a large breed.

... I just read the two intervening posts between writing the above and posting, which unfortunately demonstrate the point.

My dachsund is quite nervous but equally knows he's a much bigger dog than he is.
No separation anxiety, can leave him alone all day, he's lazy and sleeps. He's no more stubborn than other dogs.
Not a garden digger. Not aggressive.
He has two faults.
He barks. A lot. Whenever someone compliments me on my gorgeous dog I find myself snapping- he's a barky fucker.
Anyone passing my house, passing by on the other side of the road, anyone down the street, the traumatised amazon driver who thought we had a rottweiler. And flies. We are in fly season. They make him particularly barky.
His second fault is his velcro dog status. If I sit on the sofa he sits on my shoulder with his face glued to mine. When walking his tongue is attached to the back of my leg. Just me.

As an aside any recommendations for dachsund proof toys? He's just about destroyed the entire Kong range.

Our local park has lovely daschund. His owner is the most gentle, softly spoken lady and he has taken it upon himself to make up for this by using his turbo charged woof and devil fangs to defend her. My medium/ large dog has known him since they were pups and is entirely unfazed by this but I've seen many others cross the road when the tiny barkasaurus is out in force. I like him. But for the sake of my ear drums (and all the reasons in your post) I'd never get one!

...but that's my point. ALL dogs are trainable but you need to understand them. My dog is an independent breed and really has a mind of her own but she is super easy to train as she is seriously food motivated and also movement motivated with a big prey drive so I can use that in order to get her to work with me (not for me) and she visibly enjoys working as a team now I have taught her how worthwhile it is.

People out and about witness us practicing training and are often surprised and somehow assume she is different. Nope.

Intelligent dogs like the hunters are also usually sensitive. This can come across as stubborn but it's worry. Again, recognise and train and you won't go wrong.

So true OP.

We've had dachshunds for 17 years now. The older 2 that we have are so well behaved, you can take them anywhere and they do not bark (although they bark their heads off in the house).

Our 1 year old dachshund is a little terror! He barks at everything and everyone, especially when out and about it can be very embarrassing! They are stubborn dogs and make their own rules lol

I look after my daughters when she’s at work. She’s a gorgeous wee dog but does not understand personal space. She just wants to snuggle in to you all the time. Gets on well with my other daughter’s dog but is very selective when it comes to making dog friends. She’s also very very protective of my son in law. She will growl if any other dog goes near him. She’s still young so we are working on that but she hates kids. Barks if any try to come near her which usually ends up with a crying child ☹️.

I think you missed the humor of the post

My NDN up the road has a standard sized dachshund and she’s the soppiest thing ever, always bounds over to see you, rarely seems to bark, lives with a chocolate Labrador and her owner says she’s never bitten anyone and is just very friendly.

Close friend of DB, his DP’s had rescue dachshunds and he says they were horrid. Always biting, barking but if they have bad backs and legs I’m not surprised it affects their temperaments.

Spot on. OP, except you forgot about the separation anxiety. My dachshund would scream like he was being murdered if my mum went into a shop and had to leave him outside.
So what do your friends plans to do with their Ddog in the daytime? They haven't thought this through. And kids will get very bored very quickly with a dog that's seen as "difficult".

i cant say i know daschunds but did meet a man with one recently, it just would not stop barking
the poor man

All the ones round here won't stop barking. My parents' friends used to have standard dachshunds which were relaxed family dogs, but the smaller breed seems nervy and aggressive. One deranged woman actually encourages her dog to bark and growl, and no, she isn't training a speak command. Your friends must be mad.

I didn't miss the humour but I do miss people attempting to train their dogs as they believe or have been told their dogs are untrainable and it's quite ok for them to be scaring mine to death because they are the breed they are.

ALL dogs are trainable but you need to understand them. My dog is an independent breed and really has a mind of her own but she is super easy to train as she is seriously food motivated and also movement motivated with a big prey drive so I can use that in order to get her to work with me (not for me) and she visibly enjoys working as a team now I have taught her how worthwhile it is.

Yes - although we never did find anything our dachshunds wanted to do more than barking at posties, window cleaners and other such invaders of their territory.

Since some people here seem to be feeling unduly affronted (very much like my last daxie every time I forbade him something): I make no claims to complete accuracy and correct terminology (although I really did not know that hares do not have burrows, so thank you for correcting this!).
The post is meant to be light-hearted. And I really do realise that every dog is different and an individual. Really.

I think you are very kind to send them your advice! Advice from someone who has owned and loved a particular breed is valuable….if more people were thoughtful about the breed of dogs they choose there would be far fewer dogs in rescues .

None of mine (I've had there, two from a pup and one adopted later in life) have had separation anxiety, so I kind of missed that particular problem... But they always had each other to plot world domination with while I was out, so that may be the reason. But it really seems to be common! And I'm kicking myself writing this because I just sarcastically reminded people in my previous post that I do accept every Daxie as an individual 😂

And obviously they have not really thought anything through. They just want a "sausage dog" because they're cute. If they do get one, I will inform about the carnage from my front row seat.

that's a great summary! I blame Instagram's mute button - yes, all those reels of corgis look so cute on Instagram with the sound off, but with the sound on...

My final test would be to point at the puppy and say, what is this dog called? And if they said, DASHHUND, it would be whisked away.

The stubbornness is probably caused by spinal pain ☹️