Friends of mine (both working FT, basically always overwhelmed and late to everything, with two children under six and an absolutely immaculate garden) want to get a dachshund as their first dog (neither of them have ever had a dog, they want one because their children think our dog is cute - he hates them, by the way, all Kooikers hate kids). I laughed, they were offended, I didn't get round to explaining why I laughed. Now I have created a "breed profile" from my long personal experience with dachshunds that I wanted to send them as an explanation, but my DH says not to send it so as not to inflame the situation. He's probably right. However, I am immensely proud of what I have produced and need to share it with the world (or at least with MN), so here it is:
The dachshund is characterised by maximum stubbornness, which is often foolishly described as "character". Instructions from the owner are only carried out if they are deemed worthwhile. If you think you are training your dog- think again, it's training you. They are often described as very intelligent, but this is not necessarily an advantage for the owner. Dachshunds can hear exceptionally well, but they often see no good reason to accept commands. The ears serve mostly as a defence against rain (and as a development area for repeated ear infections).
Some things are wired seriously wrong in the dachshund's head. Their self-perception often leads them to the assumption that they are at least a sabre-toothed tiger. Unfortunately, they will behave accordingly: Dachshund owners have to save the life of their terror-critter several times a day on average. The expression "give in" does not exist in the dachshund's vocabulary.
The dachshund is also well-known in the spade industry. The industry has launched "foldable dachshund shovels" specially developed for dachshund owners to safely remove their dogs from fox or beaver burrows. The hoover industry has also discovered the dachshund for itself and has already developed initial plans to model the latest generation of appliances on a dachshund's face, thanks to their unique ability to suck in any garbage within nanoseconds.
If you are attached to your well-kept lawn - don't get a dachshund. If it decides that there might be moles under all this green stuff, it'll turn your garden into a volcanic crater in no time at all.
These small, crooked-legged creatures are masters at getting completely filthy. They will reliably find the one bestially stinking turd within 100 miles and roll in it thoroughly (and eat whatever's left) - every time. And then choose this very moment to show you that they kind of like you after all.
If there are children in the house, it is advisable not to get pets smaller than the dachshund. It will try to hunt them down as prey. Children in general are seen as a lower caste - at most as beloved servants, at worst as prey or competition.
The breed likes exercise, but is quite long with short legs and therefore prone to back problems. Going up the stairs is ok, but they should be carried downstairs. They do not like to be carried and you will suffer. Their Special Effect is called dachshund paralysis, which can cause pain for the animal as well as high vet costs. In addition to very good liability insurance (the dachshund can bite very well at head height, regardless of what is in front of it), it is therefore advisable to take out health insurance for your dog.
Dachshunds need a balanced diet. They tend to get overweight as they age. Make sure you give your dog high-quality dog food that contains all the necessary nutrients. But don't stress: No matter how good the food - your dachshund will eat everything, just not what's in his bowl.
To summarise, dachshunds are suitable for hunters with a tendency towards self-harm. The owner should be capable of suffering and have a sufficient number of spades with which to dig their over-motivated dachshund out of hare and other burrows.You should also have mastered the art of apologising to other people, especially other dog owners. A certain amount of money for dog training, new footwear and a car adapted to a dirty, smelly lump of dog are also advisable.
PS: I obviously really love those barky little bastards.