New dog with 2 toddlers

[Ellovera2]

2 weeks ago we lost our 2 dogs in the most horrific, sudden circumstances. They were 6. I'm struggling with it so much and actually feel quite depressed. They were like therapy dogs to me, though I hadn't realised how much I relied on them to help when I'm struggling.
They were rescue spaniels/gun dogs. We got them before the children and now we have 2 kids, aged nearly 3 and 1.5. They were incredibly hard work due to being extremely fear reactive. We managed this with the support of vets and a behaviourist but they were absolutely nothing like having a 'normal dog" in that they couldn't go to the park, we had to be incredibly careful about where we walked them, couldn't walk them with the children or take them in the pub or whatever. I've had lots of dogs including rescues but these poor boys were just so damaged. Regular training led to huge improvements over the years (couldn't even get them to walk initially) but the anxiety and reactivity was always close to the surface. They were however a happy and safe in the life we provided them until a freak accident where we lost them both. Obviously extremely carefully managed around the children and we never had any issues there but of course I never trusted them (wouldn't trust any dog fully but these two were afraid of their own shadows).
The dog shaped hole is absolutely enormous and I've already found myself looking for another dog. Am I absolutely nuts to consider this with 2 little ones? Of course we are used to everything that comes with owning a dog. I've been considering a kc bred whippet or another breed that is 'low maintenance' (my mum has whippets so I have some experience of the breed). I WFH (part time) and am so lonely now.
My husband never had a dog before and has said to me never again but I don't think he understands that we could have a 'normal' dog that could come to the park with us, we could walk it at normal times and after the first couple of years wouldn't need to do vast amounts of training. It could come on holiday with us or even stay with my mum and her whippets if needed (absolutely no-one else could care for our 2 spaniels which has been extremely limiting, not that we go on holiday much or anything).
The breeder my mum uses keeps the pups until 12 weeks and hers arrived pretty much toilet trained and although excitable as puppies it was nothing like the horror puppy stories I read on here. She may have just been lucky of course.
I'm happy to wait a year or so for a litter but I feel so empty without a dog it's all I can think about. Am I crazy?

If both of you are not on board then no.
but, does DH understand your mental health around dogs? Maybe explain to him like you did here and so he could understand more.

We waited till our kids were school age before we got dogs. I can't imagine what it was like having the dogs you talk about plus very young children. Did you get your dogs as puppies or were they adults?
Frankly I think you have your hand full enough and your yearning is because you are still grieving. I'd give it time.

I wouldn't if he wasn't on board but we haven't really talked about it much as he's just broken about the loss. I told him that someone had asked me if we would get another and he said he doesn't want one again. I don't know if that's because of what happened or because of how challenging they were.

No, you are not crazy. Some people have to get another dog straight away and some wait a while and then some people never get another. Give yourself time to grieve for your dogs. It’s good you’re doing your homework regarding whippets, how does your DH and DC get in with your Mums dogs.

@mondaytosunday they were 6 months old but stunted growth and behaviour so were like having puppies but the damage had been done. They were abused and not been socialised etc.
I think you are right about the grief and am trying to tell myself that life is so much easier without constantly thinking about the dogs and their management.

I’d do all the things you haven’t been able to do with the dogs. Play dates and holidays, and not having to be so tied to the house, and then think about it again in a few years. Two young boys will keep you busy and two reactive dogs and toddlers is very limiting so you may not even realise what you’ve missed out on.

You must be broken hearted but I'd advise waiting. We didn't get a dog until my son was 5 and this was about right I think. Please don't rush into anything, you have enough on your plate with two little ones and grief over your dogs.

There’s nothing wrong with getting a new dog quickly. I had less than a five week gap between losing one and getting a new puppy - and my MH was the main reason for it. I needed something to ‘take my mind’ away from the loss so to speak (although I did still have two other dogs).

BUT I think you are underestimating the difficulties of toddlers and dogs, particularly puppies (cos you’d be insane to even try a rescue). Dogs don’t like being prodded and poked and puppies bite - toddlers like poking. I think it’s a bad idea tbh.

I also think both adults need to be 100% on board. You need to talk to your husband and then wait a year (assuming he is content) I think.

Your husband has said "never again". I can understand why, I had a reactive dog for 20 years and it was such a huge tie, our life was utterly stalled because of him, though I loved him deeply. You can never guarantee what kind of personality/issues you'll get with any new dog so it's always a risk, so I can understand why he doesn't want this.

I would also add that we tried to take on a rescue dog when my children were quite young and it was a huge mistake - mostly because the rescue lied to us about the nature of the dog to make the money (they since got shut down for doing the same to other families) and the poor dog needed a quite, no children home to rehabilitate so we searched for someone who had the time for him to help him work through his issues. We've just got a dog again after waiting until the children were all over 7 and it's just right time-wise, much easier.

My DCs were bought up with puppies. They grew up together !
We do however live in a large fenced country property, so they could all go out & be puppies together.
They have been german pointers, pointer, cocker spaniel & springer spaniel.... I think choosing the breed is crucial. (I cross the road when there is an pitbull on the same pavement)
Also bored unexercised dogs in a small house or flat get frustrated & irritable.
So in your situation I would probably fill your dog shaped hole in your heart asap

It's certainly possible to have a well-chosen puppy with young DC if you have some dog experience behind you, and if you managed two reactive dogs well around young DC you would be fine on that score.

But aside from that you have two issues. The first is that after your sudden and by the sound of it traumatic loss you aren't thinking quite straight, and the other is that your husband isn't fully on board. As a PP said, you need to explain to him what you have said to us, and see if that changes his mind. If you difficulties with the puppy (and you will - they chew things, they throw up on the best rug having just been emptied in the garden, they get wildly over-excited at just the wrong moment) or young dog (it might be a nightmare to train, or hate being left) you might find your partner blaming you for brow-beating him into dog ownership again, and even if he doesn't, you could feel bad about it.

All things to think about.

If your husband isn't fully on board then I don't think it's fair to get another just yet.

I'm so sorry about your lovely dogs though

I wouldn't get one right now because of your husband's stance on it. I would ask him if you can have a proper conversation - no holds barred - about the future of a dog in your household. Perhaps agree a date when you can possibly wait list for a puppy. I think a KC whippet could be a good choice, especially as you have a potential known breeder lined up.

Usually would say your kids are too young but with your experience I don't think that is true. If you manage the puppy in a similar way and put the training in you will have a lovely dog in 2-3 years.

As pp have said definitely do the holidays, days out etc with the kids before you become a puppy parent. Also would be worth considering waiting until the youngest would be 3+.

I think you need to know that a possible dog will be part of your lives again. Can you get your dog fix walking or looking after a known dog for a while?

I totally understand your grief, but you have got to respect your husband's feelings.

Look into the Cinnamon Trust, to get a doggie fix, and give your DH some time.

I'm like you and need a dog in my life, however I would not have thanked anyone for having that extra responsibility when my two were your children's age. If DH isn't on board it makes for a very difficult life. I waited until I was doing the school run on foot. In the meantime I rescued a cat or two. Wonderful compromise!

Also this. I've worked in rescue and with young children would always go for a well bred puppy. Welfare is wonderful but you never truly know the background of many dogs, and IME many were surrendered for aggression or resource guarding, would be a nightmare around children. I also get why your husband doesn't want the commitment of another dog, as the two you had were clearly very tying for many years. A well socialised dog from north is a very different experience.

Hmm I had a puppy with a two yr old , It was hard work . Are you a stay at home mum ? Can you afford help at home ? With two of a young age I would say it is near impossible to have a puppy . Can your mum re-home one her dogs with you ?My husband never grew up with dogs but did accept if he married me there would be dogs , part of what I am .I know you really want a new pup but unless you can afford help at home I would say it will be chaos .

You poor thing, whatever you've just been through must have been incredibly traumatic. I'd give your husband more time. Another dog doesn't sound a crazy idea with your experience, but you might find when the grief lessens a bit that a longish gap before getting another dog while your children are so young isn't a terrible idea. I'm sorry for your loss x

@Pigglyplaystruant99 thank you, I wouldn't consider a rescue at all with children but we had them before we had the kids.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I think you're right in saying we need to give it a few years. Deep down I know that's the right thing to do. I would love a cat but sadly we've had 2 knocked down on our road over the last few years so I just don't want to risk that again.

Also my mum is going to drop her whippet here for the odd day while she's working. I WFH and can take the whippet on the nursery run then she can keep me company during the day once a week or something which will be lovely.

Can you sign upto borrow my doggy?

Maybe there's someone who needs doggy day care whilst at work and a couple of mornings a week you could have a doggy at home with you?

Or ask on a local FB page explain the situation.

I'm sure alot of people would jump at the chance of a free baby sitter/dog walker

I'm so sorry for your losses OP, that is so so sad

I can see a cat has been suggested but you're worried about the road, you can get cats who stay in doors such as a Ragdoll and they are very loving but low maintenance. I have birmans and they are just so loving and a lot of them are lapcats which could give you the company and love you're missing but without the work of a dog.

Both of the breeds mentioned are fantastic family cats and good with dogs as well in my experience ♥️