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The doghouse

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Original poster

Dogs at grandparents.

44 replies

SianaW · 26/01/2024 12:43

My daughter is 10. Her grandparents have a Staffordshire bull terrier. They have always had an outside dog run, baby gates and kept the dog downstairs to sleep. My daughter happened to mention that all of those things have now gone from her grandparents house, and that last time she slept over the dog slept with them in their bed. That makes me uneasy so I messaged her nan and asked what had happened to these safety measures, her reply was that she's decided they don't need them anymore and if I'm not happy about it then she just won't have her over. AIBU or is this a bit odd..? I feel at 10 safety measures are still needed.

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HappiestSleeping · 26/01/2024 12:50

On one hand, it's a dog so can never be entirely predictable. On the other, after this length of time, I would expect that any potential issues would have shown themselves.

As long as your daughter is sensible with her interactions with the dog, I wouldn't see there being an issue.

Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 12:53

I don't think it's about issues showing themselves within a timeframe, I don't suppose there's been much opportunity as they have always been kept separate when she's there / not left unsupervised. It was the dog sleeping on the bed that worried me mostly, if her nan is asleep and something we're to happen then there's no one supervising. When I asked about it, she's now cancelled tomorrow having her and next week having her. I don't think it's an age thing for me, it's just making sure nothing can happen. It just seems a bit too relaxed for me and it worried my daughter a bit as she mentioned it...

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donotsubscribe · 26/01/2024 12:54

Unless there is a backstory involving the dog being aggressive, I wouldn't expect the sort of safety measures you'd take with a toddler to still be in place for a ten year old.

Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 12:59

No specific back story, they have the dog and my daughter visits possibly once or twice a month and sleeps over one of them stays. My worry is the dog not being so familiar with her being there on a day to day basis. Having been kept separate previously with gates etc and then now just being able to wander free. 10 is still a child. The dog could definitely out strengthen her. I think I'd be ok if it didn't sleep with them because her grandparents are awake obviously, I just don't like the idea of the sleeping just incase something happens. Plus she has asthma ( my daughter ), she has montelukast tablets for bedtime and a pump. I've never tested the whole sleeping thing. I just think it's a bit extreme, all them things and then suddenly nothing for the dogs confusion and my daughter's really.

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Floralnomad · 26/01/2024 13:41

I’m a bit confused is the dog sleeping with the Nan or with your child ? If it’s with the Nan just tell your daughter to shut her bedroom door or just don’t let her sleep over . A 10 yr old and a good natured dog shouldn’t be an issue and it is a staffy not an XL bully.

heydgao · 26/01/2024 13:44

You mean they all slept together in the same bed?

or the dog just slept in the grandparents bed while the daughter had her own bed?

If it’s the former I’d ask for the dog to be kept downstairs, but if your daughter has her own bed I don’t see the issue

Onceuponaheartache · 26/01/2024 13:47

There will be lots of people who disagree with me but I would not be letting my child visit a house with any dog but especially anything staffie type that has free run.

It doesn't matter how well behaved or docile the owner says the dog is. Any dog can turn. The danger with dtaffie style breeds is they lock their jaws.

And insaw that as a dog owner with a child (also 10) but the 2 are never left alone together. The dog and the child have been trained thoroughly but that is still.no guarantee.

EdithStourton · 26/01/2024 14:17

If the dog and the child don't bother each other, I don't see a problem. So long as the dog has no history of biting and your daughter knows what the dog's warning signs look like, I think you're being over-cautious.

Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 14:20

My daughter and her nan sleep together when she is at their house.

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MadamVastra · 26/01/2024 14:23

How old is the dog?

catelynjane · 26/01/2024 14:40

Honestly, I can't see the issue here. Millions of dogs up and down the country sleep in their owners beds, or even in beds with children and nothing happens.

Given you haven't mentioned any behavioural issues, I'm going to assume the dog is fine with your DD and that they get along just fine. I would trust the grandparents to know what they're doing, personally.

Missingmyusername · 26/01/2024 14:47

Well it doesn’t sound like she will have your daughter to sleep or visit again, so no issue. 😳

Always think these things are awkward- it’s her house, so up to her. Just as it’s up to you if you let your daughter go.
I have a dog and I’m always upfront about it before a child visits- the parents can meet him etc and it’s totally up to them if they feel ok around him. If they aren’t they don’t have to stay.

But what I won’t do is treat my dog differently, he must have his bed and his space and he’s allowed to roam. He can’t get upstairs and I was never fussy on him going up there anyway.

Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 14:54

Thanks for all the replies, I don't have an issue with the dog. I have an issue with going from them thinking the dog needed all separate spaces / baby gates etc etc to then going the complete opposite and giving it the free run and whilst she is there. I have highlighted my core issues 1) is she has asthma and has night medication and hasn't ever slept with pets 2) it's that it's a staff and although they are lovely dogs the reality is it does have a lock jaw etc, and just generally dogs can be very protective of their environment and owners and she's not there that much. I disagree with the comments about not adjusting things when children are guests at houses, pre kids we had a dog and we would always keep the dog and guests separate ( especially kids etc ) unless specifically told by our guests who we had invited over they were happy to have the dogs over them. Seems a varied response. I'm not sure what the solution is, but maybe her cancelling the next two visits will calm it all down. I think I'll just be led by my daughter, she said she felt uneasy with the dog sleeping next to her in bed etc and keep her home from there for now too.

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Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 14:56

Ps. I don't for one second thing that her grandmother won't be seeing her again. Just because she's cancelled tomorrow and next week, who really knows why or what she's thinking. She often does it and vice versa we just try and get them together as often as possible when both schedules allow. I certainly won't be stopping my daughter seeing her loving grandparents.

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catelynjane · 26/01/2024 14:59

No breed of dog has a lock jaw.

If your DD is uncomfortable/asthmatic that's a separate issue, but the grandparents' house is the dogs home and you can't tell them what to do with their own pet.

Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 15:02

Again, I'm not telling them what to do. I simply messaged her asking what had changed for all the things they thought was necessary before, to suddenly all being taken away. 10 is still young so I wondered what triggered the change. I have never once told them what to do at their home. We only ever discuss things pertinent to the care of my daughter and usually quite openly.

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Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 15:04

The term lock jaw is widely used to describe certain breed of dogs jaws because they are extremely difficult to release and require a stimuli to get them to release them.

OP posts:
catelynjane · 26/01/2024 15:07

SianaW · 26/01/2024 15:04

The term lock jaw is widely used to describe certain breed of dogs jaws because they are extremely difficult to release and require a stimuli to get them to release them.

It was widely used in the nineties - thankfully we know better now.

As an aside, any dog can require "a stimuli" to get them to release what they're holding - it's not something that's unique to any specific breed.

I would also say that ten is often the age where children are given more responsibility and independence - she'll be in secondary soon and many children that age are left home alone with their dogs.

Windymcwindyson · 26/01/2024 15:07

This is a long term pet yes? Not a random ddog dreaming about savaging the next dc that visits....
If you don't trust mil to keep dd safe find alternative child care... Think on op dc need as much training around ddogs as vice versa...

LolaJ87 · 26/01/2024 15:11

@SianaW sorry but I think you're overreacting. It's the nan's house, it's her pet and her bed. It's lovely that she has your daughter over a couple of times a month and is happy for her to stay.

At 10 your daughter isn't going to do silly things like grab the dog's tail or take food from their mouth, and she's big enough that a dog won't be accidentally knocking her over. Baby gates just aren't needed at this stage.

Staffies having a lockjaw is also not a real thing, it's tabloid nonsense from yonks ago.

At the end of the day, nan's house, nan's rules but you are the mum and you can decide not to have your daughter sleep over there anymore if you aren't comfortable with that.

Disclaimer: You may think I am biased as I have a lovely staffie myself.

Unmute · 26/01/2024 15:11

I can't see why you'd need to keep a family pet with no behavioural issues separate from a 10yo during the day, but if your dd isn't comfortable sharing a bed with the dog she shouldn't have to. Could you stick to daytime visits?

Gcsunnyside23 · 26/01/2024 15:12

I have a dog, asthma and on montelukast and won't have my dog in my bed as my breathing would struggle a bit. I definitely wouldn't if I was your daughter as she won't be used to exposure if the pet hair/dander in such close proximity for so long. If she's on those tablets that means her asthma can be triggered by environment. How is she generally around the dog with her asthma?
Regarding sleeping in bed with it, that would be a hard no for me for any dog as she's intruding on his space and he might not react well if she rolls into him in the night.
Also your daughter isn't comfortable with it and that should be enough for her gran to see it's not ok as the dog will pick up on her unease

Ragwort · 26/01/2024 15:13

Why is your DD sharing a bed with her grandmother and the dog? Is there no spare bedroom? Personally I would be horrified if my DC was sharing a bed with any dog, let alone a staffie. If it was me, I would be putting an immediate stop to overnight visits .. in fact I wouldn't visit anyone who had a staffie or similar dog.

Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 15:13

When did I say I use grandparents for childcare?! She doesn't visit them for me to have childcare. She visits them to see them. No other reason.

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Original poster
SianaW · 26/01/2024 15:22

They do have spare bedroom but her Uncle has moved back to her grandparents and is in it, so she shares a bed with her Nan ( I'm totally ok with that aspect ). And the dog used to be put in the dining room to sleep which had a baby gate on it. My daughter just mentioned that the dog slept at the end of the bed and she was worried about getting up with it there to go to the toilet ( likely as she's not used to it ). So when messaging to confirm plans for tomorrow I just asked what had happened with the dog , and she just said they decided the dog was fine now and they didn't need to use them things. I didn't say she couldn't go over or anything about what she said. I wanted to reflect and get some advice before replying. To rationalise as we don't like to argue either way tbh.

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