I am looking for some kind and gentle advice as I am heartbroken, having spent all night sobbing and racking my brains for solutions.
Sorry, it will be a very long one but I didn’t want to drip feed (I applaud you if you get through it!!).
After losing our much beloved 10 year old ddog last year the house felt horrendously empty. I have had cats and dogs all of my 50 years and love animals. Having had dogs from the age of 8 and previously being a dog walker I thought I knew dogs well and thought it would be a great thing to give a loving home to a rescue. In retrospect, I now realise that my experience with dogs only goes as far as dealing with dogs who have had a stable, kind and loving upbringing.
I spent weeks trawling through all of the U.K. rescue sites (and tbh was horrified at the sheer number of a abandoned and unwanted dogs in this country).
We found a lovely dog. Two years old, they said he was a Yorkshire terrier/Jack Russell cross (although I now believe he may have some kind of spaniel in him, maybe cocker, as he’s much bigger than these breeds).
The rescue was a 6 hour round trip away. They specialise in reactive dogs many with bite history (each dogs’ profile will state their aggression and bite history). I wouldn’t have taken on a dog with bite history as we have dc and although they are 15 and 17, it would still not be something I’d consider. However, they assured me that even though our dog had lots of anxiety issues due to being neglected, he had no bite history or had shown any signs of aggression whilst with them.
He was born in November 2020 and purchased at 7 weeks old (so I worked out that not only was he a Covid/lockdown pup but most probably a Christmas pup too!). The owner lived in a flat with no garden and never walked him, ever. He was crated for at least 12 hours per day and was his fur was very matted by the time he came to the rescue so obviously not cared for at all.
Due to the fact he was never taken out of the flat he had missed that window of opportunity in which most puppies learn to socialise and desensitise themselves from all noises and human activity etc. So when he came to them at the end of 2021 they had lots to work on and they helped with his many issues and managed to get him to wear a harness comfortably for the first time and get to the point he enjoyed his walks.
Our dog still had many various anxieties from being scared of the harness/lead, cars and travelling, the vets, doors etc. We knew this would be challenging but as they assured us he was friendly it was something we were certain we could work on. (Since being at home it became apparent he has many other anxieties to from the vacuum cleaners, to the railway near us etc…).
They told us he had been with them from approx end of 2021. After several months a couple rehomed him. Sadly, after 3 months they returned him because he swallowed a piece of likimat which had to be removed surgically and this put him back with his anxiety and they just couldn’t handle it.
So in September last year we travelled down to collect him. He took an instant adoration to my husband and has loved him ever since. And although obviously still anxious in his new home, he settled in well within the first 3 months. He would lay snoozing on the sofa next to my 15 year old dd, he would even sneak into my 17 year old ds bed too. All seemed well. We were all happy.
Until mid December 2022. Out of the blue he snapped at my dd’s hand (she hadn’t touched him, he was next to her on the sofa) and half an hour later he bit me on the hand. We took him to the vet (which is no mean feat for the vets is his biggest stressor) and they found he had a double ear infection and assured us the biting would have come from that.
However, over the next 7-10 days he bit my dh and sadly bit my friend on her wrist (she touched him on the head when I’d asked her not to touch him!), it was a deep cut which required her to go to the GP (she was fine but I will forever feel mortified about that).
We managed to treat the ear infection successfully and he settled down but he has never returned to the dog he was previous to this.
We employed a behavioural expert in January and implemented her advice but things haven’t really improved (we can not afford to use a behaviourist anymore as I have been made redundant).
I now believe that not only was our poor dog neglected in puppyhood but I truly believe he was also abused due to some of his behaviours.
For example on several occasions he would ‘attack’ my ds feet when he walked into the kitchen. He will go into a frenzy, almost like something has possessed him. I liken this to a kind of PTSD behaviour, as though seeing socked feet triggers something in him (was he kicked in his previous life?), he changes behaviour, he starts to pace up and down and will start eating his biscuits quickly then attack the feet. I wonder if previous owners were also young?
Sadly this happened a few times and now ds will no longer come down and eat dinner with us or wants to go anywhere near the dog. This has been going on since January.
Dd was always fine with him but over the last few months he has snapped at her hand twice and has started on the foot thing with her too.
I have contacted the rescue several times for advice and tbh they are not only very slow returning my messages but they just put me straight onto their ‘behaviourist’. This is a lovely lady who no longer practices but kindly offers free advice to their adopters. The issues is that she is 300 miles away from us and can talk the hind leg off a donkey, I have had several ‘chats’ with her which unproductively go on for hours (4 hours last time!) with her mainly chatting about her own dogs and constant suggestions of trying various homeopathy or natural treatments, I have literally spent a small fortune on herbal remedies, none of which have helped at all.
It really has been a challenging 11 months. I appreciate that having a rescue would not be easy but I was hoping to have gotten somewhere by now, it’s becoming apparent that out dog is probably never going to be at ease and happy with many of life’s ‘normal’ activities or living within a full family unit (even though we are a very quiet family).
I fear that we will never be able to go away without him for I can not leave him with the dc to care for him. I couldn’t ask my elderly parents to care for him like they did our last dog or anyone else come to think of it, I could be fearful that he may be frightened of them and attack them.
I feel we can not even go out for a day because who will come and let him out in the garden or walk him. I walk him every day and he loves his walks but getting his harness on (can sometimes take half an hour) is a task and even after almost a year of walks, twice a day he still goes into a frenzy when we walk out of the door (he will attack the doors and gate going out but never coming back in), I think this simply stems from being locked up in a flat for the first year of his life, the outside world still scares him somewhat.
We can’t really even take him too many places either (our last dog came out everywhere with us), for he hates travelling and we have to keep that to a minimum.
We can’t have anyone over for parties, bbq’s, or even Christmas (last year we had fil here but the dog went for his feet). I have even had to stop my mobile hairdresser coming because that last time I put him in the utility room and he barked, non stop, for 3 hours whilst she coloured my hair!
We have a stair gate across the downstairs hallway and when dd friends come round they go straight upstairs, I am fearful that he may bite their feet or worse.
Yet, yet!! He is so loving and relaxed with dh and I. He is with me all day, he likes me chatting to him, follows me whilst I potter around the house and garden and he will sit behind me on the kitchen chair and snooze peacefully in the living room, we have two lovely walks per day which we both enjoy, during these times he is a dream. He loves dh coming home and snoozes with us in the evening whilst we watch tv, we adore him.
But my dc come first. Over the last few days, when dd comes into the kitchen for a drink or snack I notice his body language changes. When he has bitten he doesn’t give a ‘traditional’ warning of growling. His behaviours are more subtle of which I have come to recognise - he will start to circle the kitchen table, then hurriedly eat his biscuits, then circle again before he falls into this frenzy and attacks the feet. A couple of times this week I have asked dd to go back upstairs as I have witnessed this behaviour and obviously tried to stop any attack occurring. However, yesterday evening he attacked her feet and drew blood. I honestly (stupidly) thought he’d be ok as dh and I were in the kitchen at the time. Obviously dd is so upset and both dh and I are too. Dd has a scar on one foot from a few months ago and now will have another scar on the other foot.
We could put this down to the fact he has been unwell the last week? He had to go under anaesthesia last Wednesday because he was yelping when chewing/eating and we thought he had something lodged in his mouth or damage to his mouth or jaw (he goes into a frenzy when walking out of the back door and will try to attack our wooden door). The vet couldn’t find anything but then the anaesthetic caused him to have painful bleeding colitis which has only just gotten better today.
Maybe that’s the reason, maybe not but we can not keep carrying on like this. I feel like our lives are on hold and I just can not put my dc at risk anymore.
But I am absolutely heartbroken. Heartbroken because he has bitten dd, heartbroken because ds won’t ever come down and eat with us and spends so much time out with friends (I know he is nearly 18 but he can never bring friends back now) and heartbroken because we have tried to much to help, injected so much money and love into this and we are getting nowhere really.
Dh and I love him so much, he is a lovely dog with us, he craves love and attention. He has been let down so badly by humans and when we first got him I promised him this would be his forever home and we were not going to be like the other humans and let him down again and it feels to me like we will have to do just that.
Of course, we could constantly muzzle him but what kind of life is that for him (or us?).
I really do not want him to go back to the rescue. The place is miles away from us and was in the absolute middle of nowhere and although they are obviously trying to do a good thing I personally feel they are out of their depth, it is run by two young woman and the place was heaving with dogs and they were barking and whinging non stop, they seemed stressed, our poor dog seemed so anxious in that environment, I do not want him going back there.
DH says it’s seems too cruel to have a 3 year old physically healthy dog pets and I agree with him. The thought of having to pts a second dog within a year would destroy me.
If we had no dc we would keep him there would be no question about that but we come as a family of 4
In an ideal world, he needs to be with one or two adults who have no young people living with them. Someone who has experience with rescue dogs. Ideally other dogs in their household as well as he loves dogs and I believe living with an alpha dog would really help him.
How do I find someone like this? Someone who can give him the loving forever home which I promised and long to give him? That would be akin to winning the lottery wouldn’t it, it’s so rare I just don’t believe luck like that exists.
I really, really don’t want him to go, my heart feels shattered.
What the hell do we do? Anyone else been in this position?