Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

Original poster

End of my rope

42 replies

Desperatedan12 · 18/07/2023 05:34

I can’t cope anymore with my 6 year old Golden retriever.

he has always been difficult. Severe separation anxiety that we shelled out £££ to try and fix and nothing worked. He is dog reactive to certain dogs (big males) so walking him is stressful.

we’ve recently moved house and I’ve returned to work from maternity leave and just feel like we’re back at square one. My partners away from work so it’s just me and it’s just come to a head, so far he has almost destroyed his crate (I know I know, but it was recommended by the behaviouralist to help give him a safe space when we leave the home). He’s shit on the floor 5 times over 2 days.

i feel a prisoner in my own home. I’m anxious to sleep incase he poos. I’m anxious to leave the house incase he destroys his crate.

I am done. I don’t want him anymore. All the care seems to fall to me and I’m just checked out. I think a slight bit of PND has crept in and (wrongly I know) it’s the dog that has taken the focus, not that his behaviours are helping.

when my partner gets back from working away I’m going to be straight, if you want to keep him then you do it all because I’m just done.

probably going to get roasted, and that’s fine. Maybe I am a horrid horrid person but I just can’t cope with it all. Not really after anything but a rant 😢

OP posts:
Hateitissues · 18/07/2023 05:36

Sounds intolerable op

You gave your dog many years and you can’t give anymore. Contact Battersea dogs home. They won’t judge

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 18/07/2023 06:11

You're not a horrible person Flowers

If you really can't cope then there is absolutely no shame in speaking to a rescue centre. He sounds incredibly anxious and in need of a lot of support - potentially even medication as well.

user1477391263 · 18/07/2023 06:20

I don't know if "You need to do all the work from now on" is going to work. The person who is at home most of the time (from your post, it sounds like that's you) will inevitably end up doing much of the dog-related housework and dog-care and dog admin. If the dog craps on the floor, you can't just leave it there stinking while waiting for the other partner to get home. Etc. Was it your partner's idea to get the dog in the first place?

I would look into rehoming. And I wouldn't get another dog for a very long time, if ever. Dogs and babies aren't ever going to be an easy combination.

Original poster
Desperatedan12 · 18/07/2023 06:35

Thanks for your kind words.

The pooing in the floor doesn’t happen in the day, only ever at night. And you’re right it probably won’t work, but it’s my option before going nuclear and giving them up. I know my partner will not want to give them up, so if he wants to keep them then he needs to start contributing towards their needs more.

I already do most of the child raising, house work, home admin whilst doing a part time job so he can take over the dog care. (This isn’t a partner bashing post, he works extremely hard for us and I do most these things to give him an easier life when he’s home from work. Working away is a rare rare occasion, in fact this is the first time)

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatedan12 · 18/07/2023 06:37

Sorry forgot to answer, it was my partners dog he had before I met him. We also have another dog, who is an absolute dream both in and out the house.

we actually got the second dog to try and help with the golden behaviours. Not that it has, but luckily our second dog hasn’t picked up any of his behaviours.

OP posts:
EdithStourton · 18/07/2023 07:21

This is something I always ask on these sorts of threads, but is he show or working line? Is he a clever dog? If he's smart, is he getting any sort of fulfilment of his genetic drives to find and retrieve? Just raw exercise in or off-lead doesn't cut it for some dogs - I speak from experience.

Dogs and babies are not the easiest of combinations but can be workable. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

Original poster
Desperatedan12 · 18/07/2023 07:30

I’m not sure of his bloodline if I’m honest. He is smart, very smart.

he doesn’t seem to watch to retrieve anything, and he doesn’t particular exercise himself as such. He gets at least an hours walk daily in which he just trots around and sniffs. His brother is a working dog with very high energy so he is exercised heavily but our golden is just not interested. He will usually happily lay around all day if given the opportunity.

I do think behaviours have heightened since my partners gone away, he’s very much my partners dog and dotes on my partner completely. But he’s not back until Sunday and it’s a long time to manage between now and then. Whilst looking after an 11 month old baby.

we have a dog walker coming everyday this week to try and relieve the stress off me but the issues are at night and when I leave.

OP posts:
EdithStourton · 18/07/2023 07:39

If his brother is a working dog, he's almost certainly a working line dog (if by 'brother' you mean a blood relative not the other dog in the house).

See if he'll respond to mucking about with a tennis ball. Throw it, hide it in the grass for him to find, roll it around on the ground, encourage him back to you. I thought one of my dog a wasn't much of a retriever until I tried some more structured stuff with him and it turned out he loved it.

I know that playing with the dog is probably not something you feel at all like doing at the moment, but if it improves your relationship and makes him a bit more chilled, it could be worth it. It is an 'if' though - no guarantees.

Original poster
Desperatedan12 · 18/07/2023 07:42

by brother I mean other dog in the house - sorry I’m not being very clear, I’m very tired I’ve been up since 4.30am since I first discovered the poo.

I hear what your saying, I will give it a go.
this is the cycle we’re in, I don’t feel like I want him near me because of how difficult he’s making my life. Again I imagine I sound horrible but I just can’t help how I’m feeling

OP posts:
primoseyellow · 18/07/2023 07:48

@Desperatedan12 You have my sympathy it sounds tough, and no wonder you are feeling stressed.

With the pooing in the house it is obviously as he just can't hold on, could it be because of being anxious or is last meal too late? If you move his meal earlier then a final wee /poo in garden before bed at 10 pm ish he should go throng night.
If it is because he gets anxious could he sleep nearer your room? How long as it been going on?

YourWinter · 18/07/2023 07:50

Please contact breed rescue and not a generic place, certainly not Dogs Trust. Your dog needs a different home but with specific skills and breed rescue will get him into foster with someone who knows what they’re doing.

Google golden retriever rescue and speak to someone from one of the many experienced groups. It doesn’t have to be the most local to you.

Newpeep · 18/07/2023 07:52

Pooing overnight, short term fix but does he sleep with you? If he has SA then it will also be evident at night. If he's calm then maybe in your room may be better at least until you can find a new home for him.

GR rescue are very good - I'd go down the specific breed rescue route if you do decide to go for rehoming.

You're not terrible.

romdowa · 18/07/2023 08:02

Have you been to the vet for the anxiety? Vets will prescribe medication for dogs when other methods haven't worked. Have you also tried setting an alarm to take him out for a poo? Maybe putting down puppy pads if he goes in one spot ?

Original poster
Desperatedan12 · 18/07/2023 09:53

It’s only been the past week or so he’s started with the pooing, he has had the same routine and even goes for a poo before bed around 10pm. He doesn’t let me know he needs to go to the toilet or anything.

He has run of the house when we’re asleep so can sleep wherever he wants. He usually sleeps on the floor next to me or downstairs in the kitchen if he’s hot.

we have discussed it with the vet a few times and haven’t really got anywhere with it. We’ve tried him on CBD oil in his food but that did nothing, maybe I should push harder with the vets.

I think it’s a mix of moving home 2 months ago (although he’s been fine until last week) and maybe me returning to work 3 days a week 4 weeks ago. But still I would have thought I’d that was it it would be instantly.

god knows, I just don’t have the brain capacity to try and figure it out. I’ve been as kind as possible to him today, lots of extra cuddles (although I could murder him really) to see if that makes any difference. Won’t know until tonight I guess.

wven more frustratingly my baby has slept through the night the last 3 nights for the first time so I could have had the best nights sleep I’ve had in almost a year if it wasn’t for the bloody dogs!

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 18/07/2023 11:31

Both you and the dog are unhappy, so re-homing may be best.

tabulahrasa · 18/07/2023 12:07

How long has he had an issue with the crate?

The toileting... I take it there’s been no change in food? The vet hasn’t found a medical reason? My go to after that would be that it’s stress tbh.

Original poster
Desperatedan12 · 18/07/2023 12:14

Issue with the crate started 3/4 days ago. He’s never loved it, and barks a lot through the day. But has generally been better in the crate than out. He use to destroy everything, eat dangerous objects, hurt himself trying to get out of windows and doors. Everything was a struggle.

it took us awhile to get him comfortable in the crate but he was, including after moving house and starting back at work. But these past few days have just been right back to square one and I don’t know if I have it in me to go all over it again

OP posts:
Spanielsarepainless · 18/07/2023 12:40

I'm just reading a book on SA by someone Naismith, which is brilliant. But you need to put the time in and not leave him to panic. I bought the book because my dog started destroying things in a relation's house when left, but he fine with his crate, so I am concentrating on getting that really good. It's not your fault.

tabulahrasa · 18/07/2023 13:23

It sounds like somethings definitely changed for him in the last week... it’s a pity it’s not something obvious.

How long ago was the behaviourist involved? They usually offer phone or email back up for quite a while afterwards

user1477391263 · 18/07/2023 14:45

How did your partner cope with the dog as a bachelor before you got together (the dog must presumably have been left for long periods during the daytime)? Or did the dog only develop SA later on?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 18/07/2023 15:17

To me, it seems pretty obvious that he's missing your partner and this is having an impact on his behaviour. Especially as you say he was fine in the crate and never pooed overnight until now.

Dogs sometimes bond incredibly strongly to one person and so when that person goes away (or routine changes) it can have a really negative impact on the dog.

I know you say you've used CBD oil in the past but have you considered proper prescription strength medication for his anxiety?

Unluckycat1 · 18/07/2023 16:16

He barks a lot throughout the day when in his crate..? Sorry if I'm misreading but it sounds like the poor dog is being forced to spend significant time in a crate that he clearly dislikes and is distressed enough by it that he nearly destroyed it :( :( I'd rehome him. Goldies aren't over-represented in rescue centres and are desirable dogs so I expect he'd not wait long for a home, even with his exuberance.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 18/07/2023 16:21

I don't think you're a horrid person, as you say. Do you have a baby and suspect PND too because that sounds really, really tough. Unfortunately the dog is beyond your ability as a dog owner and you can't offer or provide what's needed. If you also are struggling with PND then please rehome dog to someone who knows what they are doing. Was he a rescue or did you have from a pup?

Chasingadvice · 18/07/2023 16:27

It needs to be put down

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/07/2023 16:29

Agre with the posters who have said that if you are refining go with a breed specific rescue. We regimes our DDog through a breed specific rescue are they are so knowledgeable on our DDogs traits and were able to give support after rehoming.

Try The Golden Retriever Club Rescue Pages.