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The doghouse

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Original poster

Are we in the wrong?

57 replies

User65412 · 13/04/2023 18:24

This is identifiable to anyone that knows me but I don't care!
We've just been on holiday with my husband's family. His brother, partner, their two kids and his parents. We have a 2yo and a newborn. We booked a dog friendly place so the brother could bring their family dog.
There is a history here - whenever we are at the in-laws house with them there they refuse to put the dog on a lead or put it in another room for a bit while we eat (toddler is hugely distracted and just tries to feed the dog who is able to lick her face from the floor, and does so). The other day dsil had the dog on the lead in the house so I left the room for a wee leaving my baby in his car seat. I said 'I'm just leaving baby here for a min while I pop for a wee'. I came back to find the dog off the lead, licking my baby's face. She was feeding her baby at the table, back turned. I didn't make a fuss and was leaving anyway.
Anyway, while away dbil and dsis made no effort to help us manage social times with the dog there. My toddler has been taught to ignore dogs but the dog would be in her face while she was playing on the floor, licking her, sniffing her right in her face and accidentally hitting her with it's tail. My toddler was saying 'go away' and 'I don't like it.' They wouldn't say 'dog, come over here out of the way!' or anything like that. The dog is allowed free roam at all times so it was hard for us to relax but we just went with it, moving our kids when necessary or sitting between her and the dog. One morning dbil let the dog outside while my child was outside playing. I was out there, sat near the house breastfeeding my newborn. She ran straight over and jumped up to my child's back, knocking her over. Dbil called the dog in but no apology, no help getting her up (she was really upset), pretty much no acknowledgement of it. Later, child was much different around the dog, crying when she came up to her on the carpet etc. So my dh asked them if she could be put out for an hour before bedtime so our toddler could do her new puzzle on the floor. Dbil lost it with us both, we ended up leaving and now they're not speaking.
I feel it's so ridiculous that I've lost sense of whether we are being difficult. We have 2 dogs and if we have little people over (or even when it's just us) I'll just put them in a different room for a bit so I don't have to be watching them constantly.
We did not expect the dog to be out the entire time at all, just that sometimes either they could be there to stop her bothering the child (especially when I'm bf and have no hands free) or pop her out for a bit if neither of them would be in the room.
Were we wrong? I'm too scared for AIBU but this has caused a huge family rift.

OP posts:
VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 09:23

ZeroWorshipHere · 14/04/2023 09:18

It was pretty daft of you to leave your newborn within the dogs reach - your SIL was busy with her own child(ren). Maybe she didn’t hear you say you were leaving the baby or didn’t think you’d leave the newborn unattended somewhere the dog could reach them.

If SIL was busy then she should have put the dog onto a different room.

It's not going to hurt it.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:24

Mrsjayy · 14/04/2023 09:22

Was it daft though ? The op said to the Sil she was nipping out my assumption she heard . This is on the dog owners who refuse to control their dog.

The op knew these people were shit owners before the holiday

and yet went on holiday with them AND her newborn and toddler.

And didn’t even step in when her toddler was imploring the dog to leave her alone

if you don’t have the balls to confront the owners and step in, then you don’t holiday with them

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:25

VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 09:23

If SIL was busy then she should have put the dog onto a different room.

It's not going to hurt it.

Show quote history

What “isn’t going to hurt” “it”?

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 09:26

@Smartiepants79 it's not that the BIL and SIL shouldn't be more responsible, just that the OP and her DH need to be responsible too.

4 adults, very young children and a boisterous dog and nobody wants to take responsibility for making sure they're all safe.

VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 09:26

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:25

What “isn’t going to hurt” “it”?

Show quote history

Putting it into a different room.

Mrsjayy · 14/04/2023 09:26

Well she thought now the dog was older it be better behaved/controlled better . Now she knows otherwise because there has been a family fall out.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:29

Mrsjayy · 14/04/2023 09:26

Well she thought now the dog was older it be better behaved/controlled better . Now she knows otherwise because there has been a family fall out.

Did you catch this

There is a history here - whenever we are at the in-laws house with them there they refuse to put the dog on a lead or put it in another room for a bit while we eat (

Smartiepants79 · 14/04/2023 09:36

The dog is not the responsibility of the OP.
However, at no point does it say that she ignored it or didn’t intervene.
It is a bit like intervening when someone else’s child is misbehaving. If their parents are right there it’s makes a very awkward situation. I don’t get the impression that the dog owners would have taken kindly to it being reprimanded.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:38

Smartiepants79 · 14/04/2023 09:36

The dog is not the responsibility of the OP.
However, at no point does it say that she ignored it or didn’t intervene.
It is a bit like intervening when someone else’s child is misbehaving. If their parents are right there it’s makes a very awkward situation. I don’t get the impression that the dog owners would have taken kindly to it being reprimanded.

So you think that in her long and detailed op she just neglected to mention that she intervened at any point or confronted her sil or bil? 🤔

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:40

It is a bit like intervening when someone else’s child is misbehaving. If their parents are right there it’s makes a very awkward situation. I don’t get the impression that the dog owners would have taken kindly to it being reprimanded.

no it is NOT like intervening with re parent

why? Because a dog (and that does include a puppy and certainly as it grows) can actually harm a 2 year old.

added to which…. It’s an animal!!

and if my toddler is imploring the puppy to stop licking her etc, then you wouldn’t intervene for fear of being seen as “rude”? We parent very differently then

VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 09:42

What did DH's parents do? As a Grandparent surely you would say something about the dog's behaviour.

When our Grandchildren visit they totally come first and if the dogs can't behave they are put in a different room.

VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 09:43

I do agree with @Cleoforever that if I saw a dog licking any child's face I would intervene.

horridjobescapee · 14/04/2023 09:47

The only thing you did wrong was agreeing for the dog to come when you knew what they were like

SirChenjins · 14/04/2023 09:50

You're not in the wrong to want your BiL and SIL to train the dog better and be more responsible dog owners, especially when there are very small children around.

Unfortunately they sound like the sort of dog owners who would say 'he's just being friendly' as it jumps up on some passer-by, and I think you just have to chalk it down to experience sadly and never go on holiday with them again.

ZeroWorshipHere · 14/04/2023 09:53

Mrsjayy · 14/04/2023 09:22

Was it daft though ? The op said to the Sil she was nipping out my assumption she heard . This is on the dog owners who refuse to control their dog.

Would you leave a newborn somewhere a dog could get at it when you know the owners are really bad at controlling the dog?

the ops baby is her responsibility and it’s stupid to leave it alone and unattended (presumably on the floor in its car seat) when there’s a dog around.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:25

horridjobescapee · 14/04/2023 09:47

The only thing you did wrong was agreeing for the dog to come when you knew what they were like

Which when you have a newborn and a toddler and you don’t seem to have it in you to intervene… is quite a big “wrong”

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:28

VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 09:43

I do agree with @Cleoforever that if I saw a dog licking any child's face I would intervene.

Particularly if my child and particularly if the child was actually imploring the puppy to stop

Smartiepants79 · 14/04/2023 11:33

VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 09:43

I do agree with @Cleoforever that if I saw a dog licking any child's face I would intervene.

And I would stop it too if it was my child!
I love how this is somehow becoming the OPs fault!!
Some people treat their dogs like kids. They respond extremely badly to being told their pets are annoying and less than perfect.
It makes the situation more complex than some of you are prepared to admit. Especially when you are dealing with family and trying to avoid conflict.
I would expect to be able to leave my baby in the care of my sister in law for a couple of minutes while I had a wee and be able to come back to a baby that was safe! She is family, living in the same space not some random stranger!

WandaWonder · 14/04/2023 11:35

I wouldn't have gone on holiday with a dog, no idea why you did

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:37

I would expect to be able to leave my baby in the care of my sister in law for a couple of minutes while I had a wee and be able to come back to a baby that was safe! She is family, living in the same space not some random stranger!

Yes I would expect MY SIL to care for my baby because I know my SIL and trust her

Likewise the OP knows her SIL is a shit dog owner and can’t be trusted. If I knew this, I wouldn’t holiday with them let alone leave my children alone with her

VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 11:52

@Smartiepants79 I wasn't making it the OP's fault.

I'm disgusted how the BIL & SIL behaved. I just wouldn't have trusted the dog around my Children especially near the face.

One of my dogs in the gentlest girl (her breed is known for being docile) but she is not allowed to lick anybody in my house and I wouldn't leave a child unattended with any dog even her.

VWHoliday · 14/04/2023 11:55

I also agree that you would think you should be able to trust family but they sound very ignorant and I would have probably lost it with BIL before he lost it with me.

Original poster
User65412 · 14/04/2023 12:20

For those saying I didn't intervene, I absolutely did and I was sat with my newborn and the toddler as a barrier. I didn't write this as I assumed it was obvious that I wouldn't watch from afar whilst a dog licked my children but sorry for not mentioning that!
@Cleoforever we did confront them each time. We were only there one evening and some of the next day so it's not as if we let it go on. We also paid for the holiday.
@ZeroWorshipHere sil had been in the house for about 20mins with the dog on the lead but just let it off when I was gone for about 1 minute. I wrongly assumed the lead meant she'd taken on board what we had said previously. This was in the a large open plan space and they were at the completely other end of the room to my baby, in no way 'in reach'. She knew I had left the room.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 12:24

So now you weee only on holiday with them for one night?

your op gives a rather different inpression

you refer to it as a “holiday” and “One morning dbil let the dog outside while my child was outside playing.”

Original poster
User65412 · 14/04/2023 12:27

@Cleoforever it was supposed to be a 3 night holiday and we came home after 1 night. Sorry for the 'one morning' which should have said 'on the first morning' but I was trying to be brief.

OP posts: