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The doghouse

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Original poster

Really don’t want a new puppy

35 replies

Mycoffeemugismassive · 28/03/2023 20:56

We have a dog - she’s 7, super well behaved, well trained and great with the kids. We have 4 kids between us ages from 9-15. I work from home but do go out visiting clients a few times a week, out for a maximum of 6 hours and I can be out from anything from zero days a week or all 5, it varies and our dog is quite ok with this - she’s walked before she is left, doesn’t get distressed, she’s excited when we come home, no accidents or bad behaviour when left. She’s a small-medium sized mixed breed and a proper softy

We (me, 2 kids and dog) moved in with my partner around 2 years ago - though he has known the dog (and me and kids!) for now 4 years in total - but since before we moved in he had always said he had wanted his own dog - he wants a male Staffordshire bull terrier. He does refer to our dog as ‘ours’ though - not mine

At the weekend he saw a staff puppy that he wants to get.

I said no but he has pressed on to the point that he has told both his and my children - my children agree with me that it’s a really bad idea but his kids, my DSC, both really want the puppy

Reasons for me saying no being the following:

  • he has taken the assumption that with me working from home that I will take on the daily care of the dog - I’m really unhappy with this. Currently when working from home I have nice calm days with our dog, we have a little walk at lunchtime and I can work without any interruption - she’s a really chilled out dog
  • our car though 7 seater will only reasonably fit 1 dog in with us having 4 children between us (boot space zero with boot seats up so dog sits on one car seat) so what do we do here? Choose between them? It’s not fair on the dog we have. We do often have days out with the dog
  • Our dog can be left for decent periods so I can visit clients - I can’t imagine being able to leave a puppy for decent periods until months down the line
  • cost - I pay for all vet/boarding bills for our dog as she is ‘mine’ yet he doesn’t seem to have spare cash to do so - so who will pay those bills? Our dog also only has 1 tin of food a day - a Staffordshire bull terrier would easily go through double this amount. In addition - doggy day care again couldn’t ever be an option as I know he cannot afford to pay it
  • On any weekends where we don’t have our kids and we go out, my mum ‘babysits’ our dog. We drop her at my mums for an overnight stay - my mum treats our dog like one of the grandkids. Our dog will just chill out with her. But being realistic, she’s in her 70s and I know she wouldn’t want to be left with 2 dogs and especially not a potentially more playful staff bull terrier

Now our dog is great with other dogs - she regularly plays with a quite boisterous relatives dog but is supervised by all of us when doing so - if I’m being honest I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with another dog, especially one that is potentially bigger and a bit tougher than her - she does get to a point where she has had enough so I’d worry if I wasn’t there to supervise that situations could escalate and she could get hurt

Please help with any other things I can say or how to handle this situation - he’s not listening and is still insisting on us pressing ahead and seeing the puppy - kids viewing too - on Thursday. He’s insistent that if I still don’t agree after seeing the puppy that he won’t get it but it’s going to be glaringly obvious to my DSC that it’s me that’s said no - and I’m really going to be the bad guy here!

OP posts:
Markasread · 28/03/2023 21:00

I would put all the points to him. You're quite right, you can't do it. Ultimately it's you or the dog.

Are you sure you want to be with someone who gets a puppy they can't afford and plans for someone else to look after it? It's not the most attractive trait!

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 28/03/2023 21:01

Have you actually told him the reasons why. My husband has always been a dog man and for a long while he had to wait because I said no, no way and never (I was lying about the never) for much the reason you said about I’d be the main puppy carer.

We got puppies when I was ready to put the work in. Quite frankly he’s being a selfish arsehole if he is forcing the matter and I’d be reconsidering the relationship. A puppy is fucking hard work, even those of us who want them have moments of regret.

Findyourneutralspace · 28/03/2023 21:04

I think you have to put your foot down and unfortunately that means being the bad guy. What a crap situation to be in. But all your points are valid and relevant to your circumstances. It sounds like DP is a bit broody for a new family creature - would he consider (and would your dog tolerate) a cat? They are a lot less work, lots of cats and dogs get on fine, and many a tough guy has had his heart softened by a feline friend.

YouJustDoYou · 28/03/2023 21:07

Noooooo. My dh also wants a dog (a collie, of all the most hard-to-care-for breeds!), and I said so far no fuckign way. I used to have a little dog, he kept me essentially housebound for 20 years (he lived that long!) with his hatred of other dogs etc and neediness, I loved him fiercly but never again, ESPECIALLY not a collie! I have three dc, I like my life as it is, I do not need another needy creature in my life. My cat is perfect. Never again a dog. I don't blame you, your partner is expecting you to do the work, it;s very selfish of him.

FictionalCharacter · 28/03/2023 21:08

Don't do it! Be firm and make the reasons very clear. You're not the bad guy, you're the realistic guy who puts everyone's wellbeing above a childish fantasy.

userxx · 28/03/2023 21:20

It's totally not fair on you or the dog you've already got. I'd be fuming.

GreekDogRescue · 28/03/2023 21:22

It’s so depressing all these posts about getting puppies when shelters are so full they are euthanising healthy dogs.

Original poster
Mycoffeemugismassive · 28/03/2023 21:24

GreekDogRescue · 28/03/2023 21:22

It’s so depressing all these posts about getting puppies when shelters are so full they are euthanising healthy dogs.

The puppy he is looking at is actually from a rescue - our dog is also a rescue

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 28/03/2023 21:28

Write a list of his financial obligations to his ddog.
Ask which of his relatives will be ddog sitting while he is at work.
And how he will be walking it.
Don't back down op.

ArcticSkewer · 28/03/2023 21:29

What are the rescue going to think when he explains he works all day and you can't look after it, and he can't afford to feed it?

Allezvite · 28/03/2023 21:29

Honestly, blended families are hard enough work without having to take on a dog you never wanted. You will be nothing but resentful. Dogs have to have everyone on board but most of all the person that does the majority of the training, care etc has to be happy. Does your partner just expect you to manage everything that comes with a new puppy? I would honestly move out rather than turn your life and your space upside down. You had a nice chilled life with your DC and your dog and he just wants to ride roughshod over it.

Just his approach - telling the DC and going to view - would be enough to make me leave tbh.

Triflenot · 28/03/2023 21:33

You’ve got enough points in your favour OP.
The puppy will be a lot of work and it will fall to you. I wouldn’t over labour the cost aspect, as that will cause bad feeling.
It’s enough that the puppy won’t be able to be left while you go to work.

Sapin · 28/03/2023 21:38

There are numerous red flags in this post - not only about the puppy but about your partner’s completely selfish attitude towards you and the children AND the puppy. Just no for all the reasons you and PP have said. The biggest issue appears to be the fact that your boundaries are being disregarded.

PuppyMonkey · 28/03/2023 21:39

He’s insistent that if I still don’t agree after seeing the puppy that he won’t get it but it’s going to be glaringly obvious to my DSC that it’s me that’s said no - and I’m really going to be the bad guy here!

So you’ll be the bad guy for a bit. The kids will get over it. Stand firm.

Actually, I would not even agree to see the puppy at all, make it clear it’s not even an option for you.

Drifta · 28/03/2023 21:50

"he has taken the assumption that with me working from home that I will take on the daily care of the dog - I’m really unhappy with this."

This is the crux of it for me. If it's going to be "his" dog then it is up to him to sort out care.

Insist you personally simply can't take on care and training of a puppy alongside work. Can't, not won't. It's not a question of putting the work in, it's just not possible with your work schedule. If he wants a dog for himself, what is his plan for taking care of it himself?

caramac04 · 28/03/2023 22:23

I adore staffies but as puppies they are often bonkers. He wants another dog, you don’t but as you’re at home not only will you have to do all the work; it’s likely ‘his’ dog will bond to you. They are known to be quite aggressive chewers and males in particular can often be difficult with other dogs.
They really aren’t a breed for anyone who isn’t absolutely committed to their training and socialisation.
Honestly I’ve adored my rescue staffies but they were hard work for a long time, worth it for me but I really wanted them.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 28/03/2023 22:31

It is such a huge imposition on you OP and will have a huge effect on your daily life so stand very very firm. Don’t join in either you or DC seeing the puppy as then it will be very hard to stand firm as everyone will be ooohing and aaahing. The reality is he just likes the idea of it but all the hard work and finance falls to you. I would also feel very protective of your 7yr old dog having a new dog taking over as puppies tend to. It spells stress! Big no and stand strong.

caringcarer · 28/03/2023 22:32

My dh wanted a dog for years but I said no as no at home to be with dog for long day. Now I have retired early and DH now WFH since pandemic we now have 2 Lhasa Apso dogs from same litter. They are now 3 years old and really no trouble at all. DH had to wait 12 years to get dogs though.

I'd be pointing out all of those points to DH and make him mitigate each point. I'd still be saying no as he can't afford dogs and he is not in a position to care for a new puppy. Let him wait until your dog passes.

NBLarsen · 28/03/2023 22:39

Your partner is pushing you into doing something that you don't want to do, that the idea of makes you unhappy, your kids unhappy, and that you know will disturb your dog. He hasn't acknowledged the financial and logistical problems a new puppy brings to the family, which is irresponsible. Then he's making you out to be responsible for his kids' inevitable disappointment when the puppy doesn't arrive.
Is this behaviour from your partner played out in other areas of your relationship or is he just irresponsible about pets?

BasiliskStare · 28/03/2023 22:47

@Mycoffeemugismassive "still insisting on us pressing ahead and seeing the puppy - kids viewing too - on Thursday. He’s insistent that if I still don’t agree after seeing the puppy that he won’t get it "

Good luck with that - you do know once the DSC children see the puppy they won't think about the practicalities , it will just be "this is our puppy" - Someone has to be the practical sensible one here and I am guessing this will be you .

You already have a dog between all the DCs . I think you really need to be firm with him & say - no - we are not going to view this puppy until you come up with some clear things about how you are going to look after it /pay for things etc. & also check that that puppy will get on with current dog.

I think you will be painted as a sort of Cruella de Ville , but I think just taking DSCs to see a puppy before you have both worked out the practicalities is all kinds of wrong. Best put your foot down now rather than after the visit would be my advice

I feel for you , horrid situation he has put you in. 💐

TomatoSandwiches · 28/03/2023 22:57

He is being underhanded and manipulative trying to get the kids to guilt you into agreeing so I'd be underhanded back and would be contacting the resume and tell them everything you've posted here, they will agree to not send the dog home with you or find an excuse to not let the adoption happen.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/03/2023 22:58

Contacting the rescue*

BasiliskStare · 28/03/2023 23:03

Oh & @Mycoffeemugismassive One more thing - a couple who are friends of ours used to foster dogs from a well known Dogs' home - to check if they were suitable for rehoming.

It might be worth phoning the rescue centre beforehand to see if the situation the dog would be coming into is suitable - so eg your working conditions , established dog , who will be doing day to day care , vet , bills etc . I would say a decent rescue centre won't just give away a dog to children who think "they want a puppy " In which case - you aren't the bad one - just that your home environment is not suitable.

I am not against rescue dogs being rehomed - far from it - but most need a suitable home as they have been through enough.

Well there you go - my two pennyworth

I wish you well

Basilisk

BasiliskStare · 28/03/2023 23:04

Oops - cross posted with @TomatoSandwiches I think 😊

Gremlins101 · 28/03/2023 23:12

He is being very immature and put you in a very difficult position.

Don't back down. Explain all these points to him and also gently to DSC.