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Original poster

Should children be present when it's the end?

37 replies

Anono2022 · 15/11/2022 09:34

Hi

I'm pretty certain our dog is so unwell now we are nearing the end of his life. He is 9.5 and a French Bulldog. He has been double incontinent for a while, unable to walk a few steps before falling, when he is on his feet his legs are wide apart, he moves in circles on his tummy on the floor, now add in constant sickness and breathlessness, I fear this is it.

We have the vets today and am wondering if my 8 year old should be present, in case I have to make that decision? He has grown up with him his entire life, they are so close. My son is autistic and his dog means the world to him. I don't think it's fair him not being able to say goodbye and be there in the end but my parents have made me feel guilty saying its not appropriate him being there if our dog is put to sleep.

Should children be kept away from seeing this?

OP posts:
CourtneeLuv · 15/11/2022 09:36

I think they should be present if they want to be, after having it explained. I don't agree with hiding death from children.

purpleme12 · 15/11/2022 09:38

At 8 years old he's more than capable of being there.
I took my child when she was 6.
It didn't traumatise her.

Original poster
Anono2022 · 15/11/2022 09:38

This is my feeling too. I personally feel it would be more wrong keeping them from each other when it is time. If its not today it will be soon.
I'm heartbroken

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 15/11/2022 09:38

I should say more than old enough to be there.

I guess it's up to you still to assess whether he's capable but it sounds like you think he is

Original poster
Anono2022 · 15/11/2022 09:41

I think it will affect him. His never lost anyone. But I also think it is unfair denying him the opportunity to say goodbye

OP posts:
Original poster
Anono2022 · 15/11/2022 09:43

Our dog has been a huge comfort to him. He brings him peace and he often chooses to be with his dog when he is having bad days. They are so close

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 15/11/2022 09:43

This is the downside of having pets isn't it.
But they give so much.
You should go with what you think is best for all of you.

SomePosters · 15/11/2022 09:43

My mum took my dog to the vets and had her put down while I was at school when I was 10.

we do have a good relationship now but I’ve never really forgiven her for not letting me say goodbye.

I would offer him the choice

Original poster
Anono2022 · 15/11/2022 09:54

I've arranged to pick him up early. I will give him the choice but I'm sure he will want to be there. He cries at school because he is so attached to his dog and misses him as it is!

I'm dreading dealing with both our griefs. Our dog came into my life at the worst most unhappiest time and he has NEVER let me down and gave up on me. He has been the gentlest most protective soul over my son. I'm heartbroken

OP posts:
Newpeep · 15/11/2022 11:59

It’s personal choice.

as children we were allowed to be present with our pets. My dad was an undertaker so death was part of life. Obviously saying goodbye is awful but I don’t find it traumatic. Nothing that happens upsets me (our dog fought and fought and it wasn’t peaceful despite her being so unwell and our vet wonderful - sometimes it’s just not peaceful)

My husband was never allowed to be there as a child. It was the man’s job. He finds euthanasia deeply upsetting and traumatic as a result I think. He is the more sensitive (read lovely and kind) type though. He did say that he feels that seeing his childhood pets put down would have helped him as an adult .

Just our experience. My sister allows her children (under 10) to be there when their chickens are put to sleep and they’re very matter of fact about it.

Original poster
Anono2022 · 15/11/2022 12:05

I'm being continued to be made to feel like im being irresponsible. Apparently I shouldn't give him the choice if he wants to be there or not

OP posts:
ShouldIknowthisalready · 15/11/2022 12:10

I think it does depend on the child. Euthanasia is a difficult concept for some people to deal with.

I grew up on a farm and death was a part of life but I can remember being very traumatised seeing the dog pts by the vet when I was a small child.

SarahSissions · 15/11/2022 12:12

I would let him go into the room have a cuddle and speak with the vet and ask any questions and then ask one of the vet nurses to look after him outside. It does depend on your vet practice, but I know mine would do this.

there is no “right answer” here unfortunately. My thoughts are with you all

Angelbaby101 · 15/11/2022 12:31

I'm sorry your having to make such a decision. We recently had our old dog put to sleep and it's a hard decision to make and so upsetting. It is not a nice thing to watch at all. My vet told me what was going to happen and what to expect once they give the injection, such as the breathing, flinching, possible messing himself etc. My children were not present. My eldest is 15 and he didn't want to be there. Explain everything to your son, ask the vet to explain too so he knows what to expect. I remember having a dog put to sleep when I was 14. My parents didn't tell me and I was devastated when I knew what happened and I wasn't there as I'd grown up with her but it's a decision only you and your son can make along with your vet. Just make sure he is prepared because it is the most awful thing to see.

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 15/11/2022 12:31

My children were taught that it was the final kind thing we could do for the pet - and that if it was going to be too distressing to them then they should not be there as it would distress the pet.

So you stay calm and give them affection and love right up the end, you don't scare them - then when it's over we can all sob our hearts out.

I've been through it many times and it's fine. He is going to be more upset at not having the choice I would think.

blobby10 · 15/11/2022 12:34

@Anono2022 my heartfelt sympathies for having to make this decision about your dog.

My eldest was with me when our old Lab was PTS in our home - DS was 23 and was distraught - so much so that when it came to having our second old girl PTS the following year he refused to be with me saying it was too upsetting before.

KILM · 15/11/2022 12:40

I would gently walk him through what would happen at the vets and ask him to have a think about if he wants to be there.
Maybe offer him an alternative, that he can give his own goodbye to the dog in the room but then leave the room for the actual PTS bit?

You know your son best - go with your gut and what you think is best long term as like you said he's never lost anyone before. It could be a good opportunity to try and cushion the blow for future, make the focus on the fact you and he have given your dog a fantastic life... its so hard isnt it, you have my sympathies. So sorry you are losing your pup.

2greenroses · 15/11/2022 12:42

Personally, I would say he says goodbye then leaves the room. Animals don't always go quietly and peacefully, I've had several pts, and for some, it really was like going to sleep, for others it was noisy and distressing

Roselilly36 · 15/11/2022 12:45

so sorry, it awful losing a pet, my two said their good byes to our animals as home and then. DH & I took them to the vet, our children stayed at home with their GP. It’s distressing for an adult, I wouldn’t have wanted to put my children through that tbh. But you know your child best Good luck.

Danascully2 · 15/11/2022 12:47

You could take him to say goodbye before, take child outside while it actually happens and then go back in to say goodbye afterwards. Then he's there but won't see anything distressing if it doesn't go smoothly. I have a boy similar age and an elderly pet so have thought about it and I think that's what I would do.

peacypops · 15/11/2022 14:03

We lost our 17 year old cat fairly recently. He was at home when he died and we knew when the time was coming. My children were all next to his bed when he passed. Middle child (11) got v upset and ran upstairs but other two stayed and said a proper goodbye. We took cat to vets to arrange cremation and our middle child really regretted not having stayed to say goodbye properly - so much so that I had to take him to the vets to see him one last time. Kids can be surprisingly strong in these circumstances and I'm really proud that they chose to witness the end. I also think they are all really glad that they did have a chance to be with their car at the final stage of life

KittiesInsane · 15/11/2022 14:14

Can you trust your son not to make it harder or even dangerous for the dog?

My son was older but didn’t trust himself to let the vet get on with it. He thought he would struggle not to wail or flail at the vet or cling to his beloved animal at the crucial moment. So he said goodbye and waited in another room.

I am mentioning this because you say your son has autism, and ‘what other children managed’ may not be relevant.

Original poster
Anono2022 · 15/11/2022 15:02

How do you know when it's the right time?

PTS is my only option on the basis of quality of life. None of these problems are going to get better. His in no immediate need but it is a decision I need to make.

My son decided not to come. He broke down as soon as I told him and said 'I don't want to witness my dog die'. It broke my heart.

In the room I couldn't do it. I was praying for her to tell me something doesn't sound right or looks abnormal as it then would have made my mind up. She witnessed the incontinence, the going off his legs and his breathing but could only medicate to relieve and not cure his problems then left the decision with me.

He looked at me and I just couldn't imagine not leaving without him, without being told there was something serious.

Am I selfish? I'm scared. Do I spend some time now preparing us and giving him the best few weeks?

OP posts:
AlfiesGirl · 15/11/2022 15:03

I'm in my 40s and not autistic but I found it a great comfort to be there for my cat, and to see how peacefully she slipped away. There was nothing nasty about it at all.

hugznotdrugz · 15/11/2022 15:04

This might come across as heartless (and that's absolutely not my intention)

But if you and the vets feel that the dog doesn't have much quality of life and it isn't going to get better then I would pts sooner rather then later. Dragging it out is only going to make it worse for everyone involved.

Although i know its not a easy decision

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