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The doghouse

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Original poster

At wits end with 3 year old and dog

59 replies

thissoundsbad · 12/10/2022 09:43

Cross posting from parenting as I'm just desperate for advice

I know how terrible this sounds and I do want to preface it by saying I have had my dog for 5 years and do love him very much.

My 3 year old was never particularly interested in the dog and hadn't had any issues. A few months ago however he just became a nightmare. He won't leave him alone, he follows him everywhere, tries to full body hug him, gives him loads of kisses, saying he's hugging him but he has him in a headlock, sits on him, climbs on him, whenever the dog is sat somewhere comfy he beelines for him until he moves. I obviously don't allow these things and I'm forever having to pull him off him. When I have to forcibly remove him, or when I see him heading for him and I physically stop him (nothing aggressive, just pick up walk away) he has nuclear tantrums. Overall he's very reasonable and can communicate well, the only tantrums of this severity are always linked to the dog. He will go for gold and scream and cry and hit and scratch and even wee and shout that he wants to get the dog and that he's cross so he is going to wee on me. Again this behaviour never happens outside of being told to leave the dog alone.

I'm heavily pregnant and having a hard time in general, and I'm totally worn down. I've tried reward charts, ignoring the bad and praising the good but it's difficult because I have to physically intervene here as it's involving an animal. The best outcome is if I can see that he's heading in his direction and I can distract him without having to intervene and physically stop him but this only works if he's not overly determined and was just wondering over there, if he's decided he's going to the dog then he doesn't stop and I have to physically intervene and then he goes mental on me for an hour.

I'm trying to leave the dog in a different room, he goes and hunts him down. I can't bare it anymore. I've started sending him to afternoon club after school just to avoid the situation and it makes me feel guilty that I'm choosing my dog over my son, he's only going to be this little once and I'm sending him away because I don't know how to sort his behaviour out around the dog. I don't understand why this is the only issue. My dog went to stay with my mum for a week when I nearly had a breakdown I was so fed up and it was the calmest week, he just didn't have any tantrums

I honestly don't think I can deal with having a dog and a child anymore. It's been a few months of this now and we aren't getting anywhere. Please help,

Dog is a cavalier and is an absolute softie but doesn't deserve this

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 12/10/2022 09:49

I’ve got a three year old and a cav, and keeping them apart when the three year old is “on one” is exhausting! Plus the dog seems to prefer being in the room with us and occasionally run across than out of the room without us but safe, which is frustrating. We don’t have tantrums so I don’t have any actual insight to offer. Just some sympathy in anticipation for the shit that posters are going to throw at you! Can the dog stay at your mums a bit more?

Frequency · 12/10/2022 09:50

Can you use baby gates to keep them apart?

I would also give the dog a safe space to retreat to, like a crate covered over with blankets or a crate cover and drum it into the child when the dog is in its safe space its left alone.

I always told my kids the dog will bite you if you don't respect him. Not might bite or could bite will bite. They seemed to take it on board, although my dog was a growly arsehole at the time, so that helped.

StarDolphins · 12/10/2022 09:54

The 3 year old won’t be 3 forever & you just have to persevere & it will get better. When my DD was 3 she was the same with our Shih Tzu, mothered the life out of him & I was forever intervening- once she was 4-5 things improved massively. Please keep your dog, he loves you & his family & it will get better.

Original poster
thissoundsbad · 12/10/2022 09:54

Yes I used to always say we need to be nice to dog so that he knows you're a friend. Didn't work so now I've started saying he's an animal, animals are unpredictable and can't use their words, if he gets scared he will bite but I think he just sees him as a cuddly toy. I think the only thing that would teach him is if the dog did bite him but he just lies there and doesn't react. I know it's not down to my dog to act differently here I know it's my responsibility but that's why I'm getting so stressed because I feel like I've tried every tactic of parenting and I don't understand why it's just not getting through to him. I can't that bad a parent when in every other aspect he's an understanding and gentle child. He used to have tantrums like this and we've worked a lot on how we respond to him, more gentle parenting and have definitely seen him overall calm down and use his words and communicate how he feels in every other aspect. Now the only time this ugly side of him rears its head is in response to the dog and it's like me reacting nicely doesn't help, me getting cross and being firm and forcibly removing, telling him off doesn't work and ignoring it is impossible. Just totally worn down

OP posts:
Wideawakeandconfused · 12/10/2022 09:55

What a nightmare for you. These things take time - your son isn’t going to be impeccably behaved all the time but I get your concerns. The last thing you want is a fed up dog who then nips or worse.

So something to do while you’re son is still learning would be install baby/dog gates asap. He can see the dog but not have direct access.

I would also look at ways in which he can help with the dog. For example, allowing your son to have the job of walking the dog along a certain park of the park so he feels that he’s involved but it’s in a controlled safe environment. Keep reinforcing what he can and can’t do with DDog.

As for putting your son in play group, that’s a good idea until this is sorted. Your son will be having a great time so try not to feel guilty.

Original poster
thissoundsbad · 12/10/2022 09:58

We had to remove our stair gates for a different reason but as 3 year old was throwing himself over them and ending up hurt. We've never had a crate our dog stays downstairs on his own accord, has his bed where he takes himself when he needs quiet. I did move his bed to the utility room as my son never goes in there but when I did that our dog just lay on the sofas instead because as mentioned by previous poster cavs are just so social and he wants to be near us. He only goes in a different room if I shut him in a different room which I feel guilty doing so he's always around, so son always sees him and just the cycle continues Sad

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 12/10/2022 10:01

Get rid of the child, keep the dog? Grin

No seriously, this sounds like hard work OP, it's a good job that you have a lovely dog! I suppose the only thing that you can do is persevere, it is a phase, and it will pass, you can do this!

Agree that giving DC things/jobs that they can do with the dog is a good idea. If the dog is a forbidden thing then the DC will only want it more. Gates and playgroups also sound like a good idea, especially while you're so pregnant and it all feels very intense. Hope it improves soon!

Wideawakeandconfused · 12/10/2022 10:03

Just in case you didn’t realise, dog gates are higher than usual baby gates. We had an adventurous toddler and these kept him a bay!

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 12/10/2022 10:05

Agree to gates, unless your child can open or climb over them?
This sounds silly, but is your ds getting enough naps? (I'm thinking about the tantrums.) Have you tried walking him home from preschool with your dog then a nap for both afterwards?
Make sure your dog has a safe space, such as a nice roomy crate that is strictly out of bounds for your ds.

Original poster
thissoundsbad · 12/10/2022 10:06

Naps - I wish. My son hasn't napped for a year and 2 months, and not for lack of trying on my part

OP posts:
Original poster
thissoundsbad · 12/10/2022 10:06

And yes I regularly think he needs them but it's a battle I can never win

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 12/10/2022 10:16

The only other thing you can do is rehome the dog if you can't protect protect her. But I'm sure with a few tweeks to your routine you can avoid this. As I said, plenty of fresh air and exercise for both, safe space and boundaries for both, and perhaps a few sessions with a dog behaviourist, with you, your ds and your dog. Once they are in your home they will be able to spot the dangers and triggers and help you make the adjustments.

Frequency · 12/10/2022 10:18

I would also look at ways in which he can help with the dog. For example, allowing your son to have the job of walking the dog along a certain park of the park so he feels that he’s involved but it’s in a controlled safe environment. Keep reinforcing what he can and can’t do with DDog.

This is a good idea. Mine helped with clicker training with mine. They were responsible for dispensing the treats after I clicked the clicker.

Newuser82 · 12/10/2022 10:32

I would second the suggestion of stair gates but the pet ones as they are taller. Makes it a little easier for you to keep them separate. I can sympathise as I have a three year old who likes to grab and cuddle our dog and insists that he likes it! It will pass though and sounds like your dog is a saint.!

Floralnomad · 12/10/2022 10:38

I’d see if your mum would have the dog permanently, the situation at home is only going to get worse when you throw a baby into the mix and it’s not fair to just keep the dog separate to the rest of the family .

pjani · 12/10/2022 11:10

When a new baby comes (and late pregnancy) are a very common period to have unsettled behaviour. I bet your DC knows a huge change is coming, on some level. I don’t have any advice in terms of the dog (sorry) but just to say the timing doesn’t sound coincidental.

The podcast Unsettled has some good advice and the parents who write in often have scenarios involving a new baby, so I recommend that. Good luck!

Beamur · 12/10/2022 11:16

I would look for a friend or family member who might be willing to foster the dog for several months. Would your Mum be willing to do that? Your DS will be different as he gets older and understands better how he needs to behave towards the dog. I would also consider that the new baby could be part of this behaviour and frankly you need your home life simpler right now and going forward.

Mossstitch · 12/10/2022 11:27

Sorry but I think as other posters suggested the dog would be better off somewhere else especially with a new baby coming. Your son may start behaving in a similar manner towards the new baby I'm afraid and trying to keep them safe and the dog would be impossible. If I was your neighbour I would happily foster it if your mum can't so I'm sure there are plenty of people would help with a little cavalier.

Tessasanderson · 12/10/2022 11:33

This may come across as blunt but you need to start parenting your child. He is displaying bad traits which may be solved in the short term by rehoming the dog but they will resurface in other ways if you dont deal with them now. By then you will have another child who your son may end up targetting next.

If you deal with it now then you will have the control in place for when your next child arrives.

I am not saying it is easy or i even know the answers but you need to get on top of this now otherwise you may have quite a handful in a years time with a 4yr old who starts to target both his poor dog and his younger sibling

Original poster
thissoundsbad · 12/10/2022 13:28

Tessasanderson · 12/10/2022 11:33

This may come across as blunt but you need to start parenting your child. He is displaying bad traits which may be solved in the short term by rehoming the dog but they will resurface in other ways if you dont deal with them now. By then you will have another child who your son may end up targetting next.

If you deal with it now then you will have the control in place for when your next child arrives.

I am not saying it is easy or i even know the answers but you need to get on top of this now otherwise you may have quite a handful in a years time with a 4yr old who starts to target both his poor dog and his younger sibling

I've literally said all the different techniques I've tried, that he used to have really bad tantrums like this about everything and that we've worked in trying different approaches and have managed to get him communicating so much better and overall calmer. How dare you tell me to start parenting my child. I have been his parent for 3 years and try my best every day. I'm here asking for help because I know this is an area that needs improvement. What more do you want from me?

OP posts:
Tessasanderson · 12/10/2022 13:57

thissoundsbad · 12/10/2022 13:28

I've literally said all the different techniques I've tried, that he used to have really bad tantrums like this about everything and that we've worked in trying different approaches and have managed to get him communicating so much better and overall calmer. How dare you tell me to start parenting my child. I have been his parent for 3 years and try my best every day. I'm here asking for help because I know this is an area that needs improvement. What more do you want from me?

Show quote history

Only trying to help. In 12-18mths time regardless of what you do with the dog you are probably going to have it 10x worse than it is now, unless you (whatever term you prefer me to use) get some help. My post was to try to highlight that getting rid of the dog whilst a short term fix, may just store up more issues in the future.

luckylavender · 12/10/2022 13:59

Unless you can resolve this & quickly then the dog has to go because you can't keep them both safe. It really is that simple.

Whatacarryonthisis · 12/10/2022 14:03

What about a cuddly toy dog that your son can look after and cuddle?

you could get a vets set/ pretend food etc and your son can have the special job of looking after his own dog

Whatacarryonthisis · 12/10/2022 14:04

Look at Melissa and Doug on Amazon

MumOfNowGrownupKids · 12/10/2022 14:17

I wonder if the underlying reason for the change in behaviour is the fact that you are heavily pregnant and have (presumably) been preparing I'm for the new arrival. When he goes for the dog he knows that he will get your attention and that may be what he is craving. The only suggestion I can give is to continue with 1) trying to keep them apart, and 2) ignoring the unwanted behaviour as much as possible - remove child from dog with minimal conversation, ignore ensuing melt down (easier said than done, I know), as soon as he starts doing anything acceptable then mega praise and attention... Good luck.

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