At wits end with 3 year old and dog

[thissoundsbad]

Cross posting from parenting as I'm just desperate for advice

I know how terrible this sounds and I do want to preface it by saying I have had my dog for 5 years and do love him very much.

My 3 year old was never particularly interested in the dog and hadn't had any issues. A few months ago however he just became a nightmare. He won't leave him alone, he follows him everywhere, tries to full body hug him, gives him loads of kisses, saying he's hugging him but he has him in a headlock, sits on him, climbs on him, whenever the dog is sat somewhere comfy he beelines for him until he moves. I obviously don't allow these things and I'm forever having to pull him off him. When I have to forcibly remove him, or when I see him heading for him and I physically stop him (nothing aggressive, just pick up walk away) he has nuclear tantrums. Overall he's very reasonable and can communicate well, the only tantrums of this severity are always linked to the dog. He will go for gold and scream and cry and hit and scratch and even wee and shout that he wants to get the dog and that he's cross so he is going to wee on me. Again this behaviour never happens outside of being told to leave the dog alone.

I'm heavily pregnant and having a hard time in general, and I'm totally worn down. I've tried reward charts, ignoring the bad and praising the good but it's difficult because I have to physically intervene here as it's involving an animal. The best outcome is if I can see that he's heading in his direction and I can distract him without having to intervene and physically stop him but this only works if he's not overly determined and was just wondering over there, if he's decided he's going to the dog then he doesn't stop and I have to physically intervene and then he goes mental on me for an hour.

I'm trying to leave the dog in a different room, he goes and hunts him down. I can't bare it anymore. I've started sending him to afternoon club after school just to avoid the situation and it makes me feel guilty that I'm choosing my dog over my son, he's only going to be this little once and I'm sending him away because I don't know how to sort his behaviour out around the dog. I don't understand why this is the only issue. My dog went to stay with my mum for a week when I nearly had a breakdown I was so fed up and it was the calmest week, he just didn't have any tantrums

I honestly don't think I can deal with having a dog and a child anymore. It's been a few months of this now and we aren't getting anywhere. Please help,

Dog is a cavalier and is an absolute softie but doesn't deserve this

Have the exact same issue. Three yr old son thinking it’s fine to harass the placid five year old lovely dog. Watching them both like a hawk, darling dog tolerates him but I can tell she’s at the end of her tether with him at times wanting to ‘play’ with her. He prepares her food for me and gives her snacks, he can’t walk her as she’s a very bouncy Sprocker and pulls when on a leash. We just keep reinforcing dogs boundaries, never leaving them alone in a room and hoping he will grow out of it soon. Telling him she WILL bite doesn’t help either sadly.

I'd send the dog away. For whatever reason, your son is unable to handle him being around. I've put the fear of god into my DD(3) about hurting the animals from the start so she's generally pretty good, but we've never had the extreme level of reaction you're experiencing in the first place.

Heartbreaking for you I would be devastated.

I cant see anything about naughty step/time out. Might be worth starting this since nothing else is working.

What do you do when he threatens to pee on you because you stopped him? Because that is something I have never come across before. A toddler peeing on a parent in anger is just unfathomable, maybe let him and don't react. He will stop that after the second time of you not responding and him wearing wet clothes for an hour.

The more I type the more I think hes honing in on the dog as a way to get your attention. Any attention, good or bad. So actually sending him to afternoon club is a good thing. Hes needing more stimulation than what you can give him and that just means he's growing up. I could always tell when my ready were ready to start school as they became a right handful, they needed more input from various sources to flourish.

Doggy day care? Alternate afternoon clubs for child and dog. When the baby comes then you have alternate dog or toddler free afternoons (or shh, both!)

But I think Pixiedust has hit the nail on the head.

DC knows there's a baby coming, his nose is out of joint and he's doing the thing he's worked out is guaranteed to maintain the entire focus of your attention on himself. At any price.

This does not bode well for when the new baby inevitably takes far more of your attention away from DC1. How do you imagine DC1 will treat the new baby? Same as he does the dog. He knows what works.

There are better ways to help than saying "start parenting your child" which implies I'm doing nothing and just makes me feel like I'm failing.

Naughty steps time out don't work with him, they're always mentioned on here as an answer to things so I don't know where I'm going wrong we tried to but when he goes he will not stay on a step no matter what you do unless you hold him down which obviously just makes it worse and isn't the answer. We tried time outs in his bedroom behind a stair gate and he threw himself over them and hurt himself.

We managed to get his tantrums under control despite this just by trying to be really patient, talk about our feelings and how to get them out positively, telling him we use our words not our hands, redirection, distraction. If he does anything serious there are instant consequences, he'll lose a certain toy for the day or a treat he wanted like a bit of chocolate, he'll lose all TV/drawing on my iPad for the day. When he asks for that thing afterwards we ask him why it's been taken away and he explains it's because he did a naughty thing etc. i am trying.

Have you considered rather than a lengthy, gentle conversation, actually treating him more like a dog with a sharp NO and putting him behind a taller gate - and ignoring the tantrum when it follows?

Kids that age are very similar in level of understanding to a dog - and you wouldn't let a dog continue to hassle a child who didn't want them or try to explain to them not to bark. You'd stop them from being a pest and not react to the unwanted noisy behaviour.

It could also have a beneficial effect in him not doing exactly the same in non dog related issues.

Taller stairgates.
Or prevent child from climbing over.
This one is on you OP. You shouldn’t be getting rid of a pet because you can’t teach your child to leave it alone.

Of course it's my responsibility to sort it out that's why I've tried different things and am coming on here for help. I appreciate all the advice being given and will try these things it's just a bit shit when people are making out I'm not trying when I feel like all I do is try it isn't getting through and I'm finding it tough. Yes I've tried just saying no

I agree with PPs that this sounds very much like attention seeking behaviour and is probably connected with the imminent arrival of the baby. I'm not a fan of punitive approaches to raising children (or animals) so I don't think punishment is necessary. However, I have some absolutely firm rules and one of them is treating animals well. Keeping your son away from the dog for now is probably a good short term strategy, so use gates to separate them when he can't be trusted around the dog. Then continue to repeat over and over how we treat animals, how to be gentle, etc. And a very stern "No, you may not" and immediate removal if he tries to climb on or sit on the dog. It won't be an overnight fix. But there is no way I would rehome the dog in these circumstances.

Try one thing that works. Be consistent.
Taller gate. Physically remove child from it if necessary. Engage child in more interesting activity. If you can’t stop a child climbing on a dog then what happens when there’s a vulnerable newborn at home?

I have said that I physically stop him every single time but that it leads to absolute screaming meltdowns. I don't just let him do it, I'm stressed and fed up of him having these tantrums that go on for the best part of an hour 3 times a day so want to try and just avoid them. Physically stopping him is obviously the better option than letting him do it (which I've NEVER done) but it's not the best option when it's making life absolutely miserable so I'd rather find a resolution that isn't making me miserable

I don't let him hurt the dog and I wouldn't let him hurt the baby I'm not that fucking useless.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're struggling

I suspect it's a combination of pregnancy hormones and both your dog and your toddler sensing a big change. Dogs are very sensitive to pregnancy - it will make you look and smell different, and your toddler will be well aware there's something new coming too.

I would go for a combination of the following:

• pet gates. These are taller and bigger than standard baby gates. You can even buy two baby gates and put one up as normal, and the other upside down on top of it so your toddler can't jump over.
• nursery for your toddler and daycare or a dog walker for your dog - either on alternate days or at the same time to give you a break. Daycare/walker will tire your dog out and nursery should do the same for the toddler. Give them both something outside the home to look forward to.
• give yourself a break! It's hard work with a toddler and a dog, let alone when you're pregnant on top. It's okay to have them in separate rooms for a few hours if it makes things easier!

Good luck.

Naughty steps time out don't work with him, they're always mentioned on here as an answer to things so I don't know where I'm going wrong we tried to but when he goes he will not stay on a step no matter what you do unless you hold him down which obviously just makes it worse and isn't the answer.

Watch more Jo Frost episodes on Youtube.

It does work but it is hard work at some points including for the first week or so when you are establishing it as a discipline method.

Also it is better to call it "time out" as an older child can use it when they need to go away and calm themselves down.

You know toddlers don’t just have an off button you can press? OP knows he needs to leave the dog alone, she’s come here asking for help to do just that. “This one is on you”. Well fucking obviously! She knows that! Let’s just kick OP while she’s down eh?!

This will pass OP. Don’t panic about permanent solutions like rehoming the dog. Pick a discipline method and be firm and consistent. Your little boy will get it eventually. Big Little Feelings on IG is a great resource. It’s not fool proof though, they don’t like things like time outs but my three year old needs physically carrying and putting in his bedroom sometimes to stop him getting too wild with either the dog or his baby sisters (and like your son, it’s all affection just way too violent affection!)

Don't listen to posters who are trying to make out like you’re an unfit mother.

As bizarre as this sounds, try clicker training/positive reinforcement. My youngest was wild when she was a toddler and this is all that helped.
Ignore the bad as much as possible. Obviously, don't ignore any dangerous behaviour like tormenting the dog but ignore any tantrums or threats and praise/treat the good behaviour.

Set things out in small steps and reward each step eg don't ask him to put his toys away, ask him to put one thing away and then reward him. You can use an actual clicker if you want to but praise works the same (dd loved the clicker and would always behave like the model when she spotted the clicker in my hand). I wouldn't recommend using dog treats but grapes/chocolate buttons, a hug all work the same. DD was odd and insisted she got a bit of cold hotdog like the dog.

My cav goes out some days with a walker and he loves it - it’s an hour walk and he’s usually out of the house ten and half hours.

i known it’s an expense - but is that a possibility- then you have some afternoon time - cav will come back expawsted and probably happy to sleep in a separate little pen area?

when my boy was little he had his own internal apartment in the lounge 😁 it was a crate with pen dividers ties on to each side of the crate so he had a sort of massive patio out the front of the crate and then there was a little door from the pen gates to open and shut. Can you do that in the lounge or kitchen?

you can’t Rehome a cav - neither you or the cav would ever recover

hes out of the house two and half hours - he would be LIVID if it was ten hours!

I know full well that toddlers don’t have an off switch. That’s why a decent barrier is essential. And if the toddler tries to climb it you remove them. Tantrum? Ignore.

Come on that’s nonsense. My daughter did loads of stuff when she was 2/3 that she doesn’t do now. And not because I ‘parented’ them out of her. She just grew up. OP clearly stated she has attempted behaviour management and has given firm boundaries. 3 year olds are fairly famous for being little shits with and without excellent parenting.

I vote long foster until he is over this particular stage.

You separate the child and the dog. Use consistent discipline with you child. Ignore tantrums and praise good gentle behaviour around the dog. Tell him why it’s important to be kind to animals and that sometimes animals need to be left alone. All this, every single day, as many times as necessary.

Your child is already 3, it’ll stop soon enough. You’ve just got to suck it up really. Your son and dog are family so not much choice.

Naughty steps time out don't work with him, they're always mentioned on here as an answer to things so I don't know where I'm going wrong we tried to but when he goes he will not stay on a step no matter what you do unless you hold him down which obviously just makes it worse and isn't the answer.

You keep putting him back. Again and again and again (and again and again). Until he achieves the time out. Its a battle of wills and he's smashing it. It might take you all day to achieve the very first time out but your son needs to realise that you mean it. You have to be consistent.

If he has these meltdowns do you leave him in a room by himself to get it out of his system or are you trying to placate or distract him? If he's safe, walk away.