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The doghouse

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Original poster

Rescue dog but DD1 doesn't want one

34 replies

Rockbird · 11/08/2022 14:04

DS2 (10) is desperate for a dog, has been for years. DH grew up with many dogs, works from home. There is someone home all the time, we have a good secure garden, plenty of parks and commons for walks and we only ever holiday in the UK, mostly in a family holiday home and dog could come with us if we wanted. We have the perfect set up for a dog.

But DD1 (14) doesn't want one. In theory that's not really a problem, she barely leaves her room, doesn't engage with our cats at all, and wouldn't be expected to do anything with the dog. I suspect if we had one that would change but anyway...

So firstly, is this a workable situation. I'm aware of the seriousness and responsibly of taking on a dog and don't want to get it wrong.

And secondly, I'm concerned about the meet the dog thing where all family members have to attend. She could be bribed to come but one look at her glaring from the corner and they would know she's not keen. This would presumably be a problem.

But DD2 is so so desperate for a dog and she'd be fabulous with it. What to do?

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 11/08/2022 14:13

Has she said why she doesnt want one? Noise, smell, fear, worried about responsibility falling to her as the eldest?

BeanieTeen · 11/08/2022 14:16

I don’t know why you’re DD2 needs to be part of the decision making really, unless she was terrified of dogs. If you don’t expect her to walk it or feed it or look after it in any other way, why is her input on this needed?
She doesn’t need to come to the meet and greet. The rescue centre won’t care if you have one teen who doesn’t show up or doesn’t want to be involved - the only reason it could matter is if they had a challenging dog for you that needs to be re-homed with adults or older children and teens only - but since you’ve got DD who’s 10 that’s obviously not an issue. The adults need to both be on board, having your DD who will be involved with the dog is helpful, that’s all that matters really.

Original poster
Rockbird · 11/08/2022 14:28

She is awaiting assessment for ASD and has anxiety and all sorts of other things and just generally doesn't like dogs. Would never harm an animal but just not an animal person.

That's really helpful Beanie thanks. I just saw that they always say they want to meet everyone in the household and was concerned about that but no, DD1 doesn't need to be involved at all if she doesn't want to be.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 11/08/2022 14:29

I think a lot depends on her reasons for not wanting a dog?

Is she concerned about smell/hair?

Does she have a fear of dogs?

Is she worried about being put on to take the dog for walks etc?

I would start by talking calmly and trying to work out what the issue is. There may be a workable solution. If it is a fear of dogs, that is more complicated.

PumpkinPie2016 · 11/08/2022 14:31

Sorry cross posted and just seen your update.

If she doesn't like dogs, I'm not sure it's fair to make her live with one.

Darktimes35 · 11/08/2022 14:31

Can she explain why she doesn’t want a dog?

I have two daughters who are autistic. One adores our dog far too much and the other doesn’t like our dog and stays well out of his way. Is it an anxiety thing? Sensory thing such as the smell?

Original poster
Rockbird · 11/08/2022 14:37

It's an anxiety thing. She doesn't like dogs in the park but she's fine with family dogs. Which is why I think she'd come round but I'm not counting on that. Hence making the decision around her IYSWIM. If she was terrified then I wouldn't even consider it.

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 11/08/2022 14:39

My mum was in your situation.

My sister wanted a dog more than air.

I vehemently did not.

We did not get one. Why should someone hlbe forced to live with a dog?

DD can get one when she loves independently just like my sister has.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 11/08/2022 14:40

Just say you have 1 dc and take dd2 with you.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 11/08/2022 14:41

I don't think it's fair to get a dog when someone in the family is so strongly against it.

HailAdrian · 11/08/2022 14:42

She's gonna have to learn eventually that things won't always go the way she wants. Anxiety is shit but needs to be managed.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 11/08/2022 14:44

HailAdrian · 11/08/2022 14:42

She's gonna have to learn eventually that things won't always go the way she wants. Anxiety is shit but needs to be managed.

A dog is a want not a need so she has absolutley no need to learn this in her home.

WinterMusings · 11/08/2022 14:44

@Rockbird

I'd go ahead. If she's fine with family dogs and you're not going to expect anything from her in regard to the dog (feeding/walking etc)

I don't think most rescues will be too bothered if she doesn't go with you if you just say she's not fussed about the whole thing, so doesn't care what you get. I'd imply she's just being 'off' as DD2 really wants it & that she's great with the family dogs.Typical teen 🙄🙄🙄

if both adults & the youngest child is there I'm sure it'll be fine!

let us know how you get on!

FlorettaB · 11/08/2022 14:45

She doesn't like dogs in the park but she's fine with family dogs.’

Is there any way you could ‘borrow’ a family member’s dog for a weekend or a week? That way you could see if there’s any impact on your DD1’s anxiety during and after the dog’s stay.

HailAdrian · 11/08/2022 14:49

A dog is a want not a need so she has absolutley no need to learn this in her home.

It's so damaging for the NT siblings of ND children when their feelings and desires come last Every. Single. Time.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 11/08/2022 14:53

HailAdrian · 11/08/2022 14:49

A dog is a want not a need so she has absolutley no need to learn this in her home.

It's so damaging for the NT siblings of ND children when their feelings and desires come last Every. Single. Time.

This isn't even about NT or ND
Some people just don't like dogs. It's not a flaw or something that needs to be fixed.

She cab get a dog when she is am adult.

HailAdrian · 11/08/2022 14:59

*This isn't even about NT or ND
Some people just don't like dogs. It's not a flaw or something that needs to be fixed.

She cab get a dog when she is am adult.*

Sounds like dd1 is the only one who doesn't want a dog though.

Original poster
Rockbird · 11/08/2022 14:59

Don't get me wrong, DH and I would both love a dog too, it isn't just our youngest. And yes DD2 does often take a back seat because of her sister's issues. The girls are writing a list of names as I speak, but then DD1 reminds us that we're not getting one anyway!

OP posts:
findingsomeone · 11/08/2022 15:02

I think rescues can be more reluctant to rehome if everything isn't perfect but it wouldn't be an outright no I don't think. If they did say no you could always try and find a good breeder (not always easy to find).

I recently got a new puppy and have a DD who was nearly 2 at the time. I was worried the breeder wouldn't be keen as DD is quite shy and not forthcoming with strangers. Her approach was actually really refreshing. We have two other dogs so DD is quite dog savvy ie. Being crashed into doesn't worry her, and she wasn't all over the puppies she could take or leave them, and the breeder said that was ideal really, compared to some children who are so excited the puppy never gets any peace and quiet.

Rescues are dealing with dogs that often have significant trauma and the risk of rehoming and it not being successful could have significant ramifications for the dog. I wouldn't expect it to rule you out of dog ownership you may just have to consider other options.

Iwonder08 · 11/08/2022 15:04

I think it is cruel to force a child to live with a dog when she is so clearly against it. It doesn't matter that 'she spends time in her room', she will still see and be around the dog on daily basis. How would you feel if you were strongly against the dog, it caused you anxiety and your husband decided to get one anyway because 'it has nothing to do with you'?

Original poster
Rockbird · 11/08/2022 15:07

This is why I'm asking for advice. I don't want to make one child's life a misery.

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 11/08/2022 15:09

HailAdrian · 11/08/2022 14:59

*This isn't even about NT or ND
Some people just don't like dogs. It's not a flaw or something that needs to be fixed.

She cab get a dog when she is am adult.*

Sounds like dd1 is the only one who doesn't want a dog though.

But it's her home and she has no choice but to live there.

OP and her DH may want a dog. But they chose to have kids and now need to put them first.

I will never own a dog. My kids can get them when they move out.

Coughee · 11/08/2022 15:09

As someone who is very laid back in many ways but doesn't like dogs, I can honestly say I think having to live with one would make me completely miserable. My home is my safe space to relax in and a dog is different to pets who may be in a cage/vivarium/tank - they need to be part of the family and in the shared areas. It would be very difficult to just ignore or live with a dog when you don't like them. Even with cats they don't make such a big impact on the home.

I also think if you feel or felt like you would have to lie to a rescue about your eldest dd's involvement like some are suggesting then surely that's a big sign this might not be good for the dog either? Surely the rescue will have the dogs best interests at heart so just be honest with them and if they think it's not an issue then at least you know the dog will be OK?

RedRec · 11/08/2022 15:13

Not fair on your daughter. You would be showing her that her opinions and concerns don't matter.

Shambolical1 · 11/08/2022 15:13

Rescue worker here.

A responsible rescue organisation certainly will want to meet all the members of the family.

For one thing, they want to make sure everybody in the household is on board with the idea to reduce the chances of the dog having to be returned to the rescue (which can be very upsetting for everybody and quite possibly end up reducing the chances of the dog finding another home).

For another their duty of care in the first instance is to the dog. If there is a member of the family they don't know about, how can they judge the suitability of the dog for the circumstances and protect the safety of both the dog and the adopting family?

People do sometimes lie to rescue organisations and it rarely ends well, often leading to the addition of another clause to the adoption criteria. People love to complain about those being over-strict but you wouldn't believe what some people will say or do to get their hands on a dog.

'Forcing' a dog onto a teenager who really doesn't want one seems like a likely source of family stress or conflict and is unlikely to benefit anybody at this stage, least of all the dog.

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