Please, please reassure me this can get better

[Iggy1983]

Sorry, it's a long one but please bear with...

We have a 6 month old puppy, Alfie, who we've had since he was 8 weeks.
We'd been talking about getting a puppy for years, really researched the breed and considered all the pros and cons for our family. DH and I have never owned dogs before but realised it would have a big impact on our lives and knew we'd have to make adjustments to our lifestyle which we were fine with.
We took him to puppy socialisation, have done (still doing) puppy training, took him out and about lots from when he was young but I still feel like we've failed him somehow?!!
He's always been quite a nervous boy, backing away from strangers coming towards him and, as he's got older, barking more at strange people/objects/dogs. A few things have happened recently though which have scared me that he may be/become (?) an agressive dog and I'm so down about it all at the moment.
A few weeks ago my MIL was looking after him, he's used to her and was fine up until this point but apparently he acted a little aggressively towards her after she'd tried to pick him up (I realise this probably wasn't the best idea of hers but still..). He has also snarled and lunged at a few other dogs whilst on lead, including today.

We've had a 1:1 with a trainer/behaviourist and he just says Alfie is quite a nervous pup and thinks we need to help build his confidence up but from what he's said it sounds like it'll be a future of us just trying to micro-manage every situation, avoiding certain situations etc. He says dogs are like humans and they're not all going to get on, but how do I deal with this if I don't know which dogs he will be ok with and which not? It's so hard to avoid dogs meeting on lead, so many people just let their dogs approach and Alfie nearly always seems really keen to say hi. I want to give him that opportunity but I'm so worried it'll go wrong. I know dogs can also be a lot more reactive on lead but how can you trust them to meet other dogs off lead if you're unsure of how they'll behave?! I feel so bloody overwhelmed with it all and have spent a lot of today in tears. I knew this would be hard but this feels like a whole other level. I feel like an idiot and totally naive but I'd always anticipated potential issues with toileting, jumping up, separation anxiety, chewing furniture, stuff you can help to train them to deal with and that may be quite testing but not agression. I'd thought of that as an issue you may have with a rescue, who hasn't been socialised and/or has been treated badly by a previous owner, not with a well loved family pet.
Please someone reassure me that this can get better? Because everything I've read seems to suggest it won't and may quite possibly even get worse.
It's having such a negative impact on my mental health and I've spent a lot of today (1st day ofŕ our hols) in tears. I honestly feel right now that if I could go back in time then i would say no to us getting a dog. I hear so many people telling others how amazing their dogs are and how they should get one and they won't regret it and at the moment I would say I've never regretted anything more. He can be such a lovely boy and I really do love him, the kids absolutely adore him, but I feel so desperately sad and don't know what to do.
I know people can sometimes be quite brutal on here and I'm probably asking for trouble writing this but please be kind, I've never reached out like this before and am feeling ridiculously fragile right now as it is.

The incidents you have mentioned seem to have happened in new or unfamiliar places where your puppy is outside his comfort zone (on holiday, when someone else was looking after him). Many dogs take time to adapt to new places so that is something to keep in mind.

What exactly occurred with your MIL? In what way was his behaviour "a little bit aggressive"?

Barking and lunging at people/dogs may mean that your puppy is overwhelmed and needs more opportunities for calm and gentle experiences. You can work with him to develop positive associations with dogs or new people, first seeing them from a distance and then gradually moving closer. You can also play the attention game to strengthen his ability to focus on you.

My heart goes out to you because you sound so stressed and upset. Your puppy is very young and all things being equal has the potential to grow into a happy and healthy dog. Of course, it will take work on your part but it sounds as though you are prepared to put in the effort.

You sound overwhelmed and that's totally normal.
Dogs go through several fear periods as they are growing and it sounds like he has become worried an anxious.
So slow things down. Find a nice rural spot and let him potter without worrying about other dogs. Let him stop and sniff and take everything in. Don't walk to quickly. Don't take him to bush places every day or multiple times in a day. Let
Him just chill. It takes a lot out of a dog to be on holiday. He doesn't know where he is or how long he's staying etc.

With regards other dogs have him on a long line and distract him when other dogs are near him. Use a yellow lead if you can signalling a nervous dog. Or call out if you see other owners approaching. You have to advocate for your dog. No more than 2 or 3 dog greets per walk. Turn round and go home even if you have only been out 10 minutes. Fewer positive interactions are far better than more negative ones. Always have high value treats on you to reward good behaviour or distract when needed.
Look online for local secure dog fields and make use of them. That way he can have a good run around without the worry of coming across another dog.

And most importantly find a decent behaviourist who can work with you both.

If you don't mind me saying @Iggy1983 it sounds like you're a bit worn out and everything has got on top of you. I always struggle to relax and get a bit over emotional the first few days of a holiday, because I've been working so hard and looking forward to it so much.

I have a reactive dog and it does take its toll on you. However, your dog is so young that I don't think you need to write him off as reactive just yet. Keep things calm for him, keep an eye on body language so you can tell when he's getting stressed and more likely to react and have a u-turn command (I say a cheery "let's go" and head off in the opposite direction/down a side road/dive into the undergrowth). That's all you need to get him through the holiday, and then you focus on building his confidence after you get home.

A day relaxing for you and him with a good book/glass of wine/something to chew on will do you both good!

I have a 16mo Miniature Schnauzer and he’s a delight, friendly with people and dogs, fits in socially and quick to understand what’s expected of him.

From 7 months he started developing sexually so 2 males and a female in the dog park is a potentially aggressive situation but I just keep a sharp eye. Could your dog be similar at 8 months?

One thing I’ve found different with him compared to previous dogs is he cannot stand “attacks” from above. So if someone approaches with waving arms to pick him up (kids/MIL?) he runs away or flinches. Instead we make him stay THEN pick him up around the chest/back legs. Never from the armpits.

For the same reason he likes a covered crate as his safe place. Or under a table.

And I can tell you that our dog became a real member of the family after 12 months now he knows the routine and what to expect throughout the day. Before that everything was a learning process.

Hang in there, OP…

Sorry, 6 months old, not 8.

(love a Schnauzer! My dog is OBSESSED with them for no known reason. I see a Schnauzer in my relatively near future…)

I recognise so much in your messages. We have a 7 month old miniature poodle who can be variable in his response to things (people and dogs mostly) and who can be quite snappy when uncomfortable. We've already had to muzzle train to manage grooming and vet visits. At the moment I'm regretting the decision to get a dog and not looking forward to adolescence! It feels like we do an awful lot of dog management on a day to day basis, and claustrophobic as well as we've done terribly at actually getting going on separation training. He's quite a velcro dog with me - will sit at the bottom of the stairs whining for me to come back down if I go up, for example. The thing I've always been most worried about is meeting dogs on walks, so at the moment he's my '23 hour dog' as I'd rather go out for a longer walk once a day to give more time for his bucket to empty between walks. Framing it that way (that the bit I'm worried about only needs to be one hour in every 24) has been really helpful for me though to put my worries in perspective, and also that if the worst comes to the worst and we end up with a really reactive dog, there are solutions out there that will still give him a good quality of life - early morning/late night walks, hiring secure fields, ditching the walk in favour of mental training, etc. - it will just be a different life to the one I was hoping for with him. Absolute Dogs, if you haven't come across them before, are really good for games to play to boost confidence and optimism, so that might be a good thing for your puppy if you think he does lack confidence and that's why he's nervous? We have also had the conversation that it feels a bit unfair to judge dog ownership on our current experiences, as we don't yet have a dog, we still have a puppy.

My main thought with crosses like cockerpoos, Schnoodles etc isn’t the pros and cons of doing the crossing (although I don’t know why you wouldn’t just get a poodle or a schnauzer tbh) - it’s the motivations of the breeder. I assume anyone breeding these kind of crosses is primarily motivated by money/feeding into the demand for designer crosses. Of course there are plenty of pedigree breeders doing the same, but decent ones are breeding because they want to produce really good examples of their breed. This isn’t a stick to beat you with, OP - but for anyone else reading who’s considering a cross, I would just ask the question about what the motivation is for breeding. I have a spaniel who came from a highly renowned breeder of working spaniels. Her motivation is clear, she’s breeding to create really good working dogs to work for their owners or compete in field trials and the parents are all fully health tested. It means I’ve got exactly what I knew I was getting (high energy dog who’s mad as a box of frogs but also very trainable and will be fantastic when he’s not an annoying adolescent).

OP, hang in there. It sounds like you’re doing everything right. I would look at the Absolute Dogs website and wait for them to have a sale on their courses - I bought Sexier than a Squirrel for £27 last time they had a sale on and still use it now, it’s really good. Their focus is games-based training to build the bond between you and give your dog more confidence. Also, be kind to yourself. My pup is 9m, still an idiot but a bit less of one than he was at 6m. He’s not reactive to other dogs but other behaviours are improving. You’ll get there. Time and maturity play as much a part as anything.

@WinterMusings Thank you so much.

I understand that people have strong feelings on this and may want to warn others off crossbreeds however, as someone who already massively doubts herself and questions herself on everything "Did I choose the wrong breeder? Did I not socialise him enough? Have I trained him wrong" etc, I know have "Did I choose the wrong (cross)breed?" to add to my list of things I can beat myself up over 😫.

Today has been much better thank you. We've had a very chilled day at the holiday house, so no big dramas and I'm starting to feel a little stronger to cope with whatever tomorrow may bring. @WinterMusings I really appreciate your kindness, thank you x

Sorry, I'm so tired I don't have the energy to reply to all the comments but thank you all, particularly those who haven't berated me for my choice of dog! Incidentally, I'd always imagined I would get a mini schnauzer but was introduced to the schnoodle by a friend and somehow ended up going down that path instead. I tried to find a puppy responsibly, ensured all the relevant health checks (for both breeds) had been carried out etc. Anyway I need to draw a line under the question of whether this was a bad decision, it's done and this is where I am and I honestly don't have the strength to take on board yet another thing to beat myself up over.
Thanks for all the advice and reassurance, to everyone who has offered this - you're all lovely! I need to try and catch up on some much needed sleep now but will try to update again. For those who have commented to say they're going through similar, I hope you're ok and am sending you the most enormous hug. We can do this xxx

I wouldn’t have thought the two breeds crossed would be that horrendous. Both great dogs. I do remember thinking wtf have I done when mine was a similar age. You can do this!

OP you sounds like a lovely owner, just overwhelmed, which is totally understandable!

It doesn't sound like your dog is aggressive, just scared and barking to keep others away. Continuing to work on getting him to focus on you is good advice. Overall, you need to take the stress associated with meeting new dogs away, and that includes working on yourself.

When you meet other dogs, keep your body language relaxed and say a cheery hello to other dog walkers. This will help tell your dog there's nothing to worry about. As far as possible try and avoid pulling on the lead/harness as this just indicates tension to your dog. This step will also help you feel better about meeting other dog walkers. You might have to fake it til you make it with this part!

Using treats around other dogs is a good distraction and helps to start to make a positive association.

Don't be afraid to ask other people to keep their dogs at a distance. You may feel strange asking people to do it the first time, but it will become second nature. Any reasonable dog walker won't want your dog to be scared, and your dog will start to feel safer with you knowing you're in control of these situations. This will mean he's not having to step in and react.

Good luck.

I’ve got three dogs - all black labs because i know where I am with them. My eldest who is nearly fifteen became fear aggressive when she was younger. The best tip I had was to reward her with each encounter so if she sees a dog it becomes a positive experience. The other is to be incredibly confident yourself, so give a very cheery good morning to the owner, have a chat, all whilst slipping your dog something delicious. The latter made a huge difference. Sadly they sense our fear too and feel vulnerable. If you can play act that you’re feeling totally fine then Alfie will sense that.

My younger girls are very chilled, my youngest is four months old and we’re being careful about who she meets (often terriers can be stroppy so we will always check on those before she has an encounter). It’s about minimising the negative and exploiting the positive as much as possible.

Also do chill out, the worst you’ll have is a dog who’s a bit stroppy and needs to be on lead around other dogs, loads of dogs are like that, especially certain breeds. It’s not the end of the world, you being relaxed will be a big part in Alfie relaxing too.