Please, please reassure me this can get better

[Iggy1983]

Sorry, it's a long one but please bear with...

We have a 6 month old puppy, Alfie, who we've had since he was 8 weeks.
We'd been talking about getting a puppy for years, really researched the breed and considered all the pros and cons for our family. DH and I have never owned dogs before but realised it would have a big impact on our lives and knew we'd have to make adjustments to our lifestyle which we were fine with.
We took him to puppy socialisation, have done (still doing) puppy training, took him out and about lots from when he was young but I still feel like we've failed him somehow?!!
He's always been quite a nervous boy, backing away from strangers coming towards him and, as he's got older, barking more at strange people/objects/dogs. A few things have happened recently though which have scared me that he may be/become (?) an agressive dog and I'm so down about it all at the moment.
A few weeks ago my MIL was looking after him, he's used to her and was fine up until this point but apparently he acted a little aggressively towards her after she'd tried to pick him up (I realise this probably wasn't the best idea of hers but still..). He has also snarled and lunged at a few other dogs whilst on lead, including today.

We've had a 1:1 with a trainer/behaviourist and he just says Alfie is quite a nervous pup and thinks we need to help build his confidence up but from what he's said it sounds like it'll be a future of us just trying to micro-manage every situation, avoiding certain situations etc. He says dogs are like humans and they're not all going to get on, but how do I deal with this if I don't know which dogs he will be ok with and which not? It's so hard to avoid dogs meeting on lead, so many people just let their dogs approach and Alfie nearly always seems really keen to say hi. I want to give him that opportunity but I'm so worried it'll go wrong. I know dogs can also be a lot more reactive on lead but how can you trust them to meet other dogs off lead if you're unsure of how they'll behave?! I feel so bloody overwhelmed with it all and have spent a lot of today in tears. I knew this would be hard but this feels like a whole other level. I feel like an idiot and totally naive but I'd always anticipated potential issues with toileting, jumping up, separation anxiety, chewing furniture, stuff you can help to train them to deal with and that may be quite testing but not agression. I'd thought of that as an issue you may have with a rescue, who hasn't been socialised and/or has been treated badly by a previous owner, not with a well loved family pet.
Please someone reassure me that this can get better? Because everything I've read seems to suggest it won't and may quite possibly even get worse.
It's having such a negative impact on my mental health and I've spent a lot of today (1st day ofŕ our hols) in tears. I honestly feel right now that if I could go back in time then i would say no to us getting a dog. I hear so many people telling others how amazing their dogs are and how they should get one and they won't regret it and at the moment I would say I've never regretted anything more. He can be such a lovely boy and I really do love him, the kids absolutely adore him, but I feel so desperately sad and don't know what to do.
I know people can sometimes be quite brutal on here and I'm probably asking for trouble writing this but please be kind, I've never reached out like this before and am feeling ridiculously fragile right now as it is.

Honestly I think you’re (understandably) panicking a bit. He’s still very young. He’s in a new and overwhelming environment. He will probably grow out of lots of it. And what he doesn’t grow out of can for the most part be trained. He’s not a big scary looking dog so that will help things.

as I said my boy goes through phases of being reactive - if we’ve had lots of foxes and cats In the backyard he’ll be super barky on the lead. He then recovers and he still comes out to restaurants etc with me.

one thing which I think helped my boy a lot was when he was about one he started going out on group walks with a brilliant t walker. Really helped his confidence and dog
socialisation. And gave me a break!

Very similar to us. We did lots of research, second dog so knew what to expect. We got a lab, the first couple of months were hard, we did training but he would only do it on his terms. Then around 5m (teens) his behaviour deteriorated.he stopped listening would be destructive. We were already doing two walks a day plus lots of scent work/interactive toys. It was like a full time job! He's also nervous and I was concerned of snapping as he's really mouthy. He's actually only snapped once at a vet who was appalling with him and even then he didn't try to bite (the man's arm was close enough so he could have) we did puppy training then got a behaviourist and it's basically a lot of like u say managing his experience to bring his anxiety down. He's18m now and is easier but still full on. He's now non reactive with dogs which makes walks more enjoyable but still barky and jumps at unknown people. I wish we hadn't got a dog but I'm committed to giving him the best life possible. I won't get another

Honestly, it does get better! My first girl was like this, and still is to some extent when she’s got one on her, but getting her spayed after her first season helped, plus just generally getting older.

Until they are around 2 (depending on the breed - we have the MN hated cocker x poodle) they can be absolute arseholes and I was often left wondering if we’d made a terrible mistake in the first year, but we ended up getting a second one, who is far more chilled and from the same parents so it’s often just personality.

As time goes on, they become easier to read and you become more intuitive. My more difficult one is incredibly scent driven and loathes cats and birds and is generally far better off lead than on etc.

You will get there - you’re doing all the right things from what you’ve posted. I would have a chill out day to help calm your nerves.

I’d also recommend getting a great dog Walker/sitter to help out - ours is a lifesaver and has really helped socialise the dogs (she has a really mixed bag of mindees), so being around some larger dogs has helped put my eldest one in her place and reduced her arsehole-ness 😂

schnauzer x poodle isn't a breed

One of the dogs I walk goes for other dogs (little eejit, is sweet with people). She cares even more about food luckily, so I just distract her with a promised treat when we have to be near other dogs.

I would also say that - if it helps you to think - if he is a sensitive dog than thank goodness he is with such a loving and caring owner.

imagine if he was with some horrible owner - and there are a lot - every time my boy is being a dickhead I always think about ultimately how vulnerable he is and I’m so relieved that I’m there to look after him and tolerate his dickheadness rather than him being locked outside or in a room when he’s being annoying.

It sounds like you are doing a lot, maybe too much? I had a nervous dog and I took her for walks where we would not meet many people, she did slowly grow in confidence. Puppy class and all that stuff was a no-no for her!

Some dogs are just like that, they need a bit of calm

You say you researched a lot, and then you chose a cross breed of two types of high energy dogs, I know that is done now, but really a more placid breed might have been better. Saying that, our second dog was a nightmare at 6 months and has a full on personality but is becoming easier already at 1 yr

The thing with a cross breed is that you don't know which traits you'll get. I have a crossbreed who is pretty much 90% of one of his original breeds and therefore a lot bigger and more challenging then we expected

But it does get easier

Go for quiet walks if you can and keep him well exercised

How did you 'research the breed' when you bought a mongrel? Mongrels are unpredictable to breed, they'll never be a 50 50 mix. Some are more like mum, some more like dad. Poodles are very clever. Schnauzers are also known as an intelligent breed. Puppys are hard work. You'll get there, stick with it. He'll be your best friend before you known it.

Yes about the cross breeds, they can be a real mixed bag. Ours is a lurcher with greyhound, whippet and Bedlington terrier and he has so much scent drive from the terrier as opposed to sighthound drive. It's really odd.

But he looks exactly like a greyhound!

@RightsHoardingRaptor How did you figure out who he could be off lead with? Quite often I've seen Alfie looking really keen to play and I feel awful that he doesn't have any buddies to run around with but if he's not supposed to meet other dogs on lead and I don't know how he'll react to them off lead then how do I ever get to that stage?!

I would look for an experienced dog Walker to take him out and support with the socialisation side of things. We did this with my spanner and it helped a lot he loved it. Dogs are pack animals.

Also puppies at that age are grim I regretted my boy until well past the one year mark. Everything was a massive chore and yiy don't get much back. From 2 onwards he's been a noisy but loving delight and everyone loves him. He given the choice though wouldn't humour another dog at all. We joke he likes being an 'only dog' all by himself!

He walked with the same Labrador for about a year, just got to know each other slowly. I made the mistake of thinking it was essential that he run (because of his breed) with other dogs every day and made lots of errors in his training leading to him getting into a fight. Since then I have just slowly build relationships with people and their dogs.

He will never be the type to randomly be off lead with all sorts of dogs ie on a beach and I've made my peace with that. Took a while though.

He plays with my friends male lab, my other friend's two female labs, and my family's two poodle crosses. I've realised that's better than risking endless weird encounters.

Saying that, plenty of people I know let their dogs play with others, no problem. Communication with the owner is key. Baby steps.

Maybe see if there is anyone you can walk with to build a relationship, then move on from there. Lots of dogs are better off than on as they are in control so you may be pleasantly surprised.

Lots of recall in the house. Then in the garden with distraction. Then outside in an enclosed area with distractions.

The recall is key. Whistle training works quite well, it did for us. Ours is a bit patchy in recall and I don't want him to approach dogs on leads and this is the main reason I don't have him off in hush places more than any aggression concerns now he's older.

Why can the meet dogs on lead? My trainer says 3 seconds is fine. Literally 3. Also make sure they approach side by side not head to head, apparently that's how they instinctively do it. So other sides of the road to start.

The first year of having ours was awful. I seriously questioned my life choices. Now all is ok. Honestly you will get there. It feels so impossible at first.

He is still very young. Just reward the good behaviour with treats (when he doesn’t bark). He does sound fearful, bless him.

My dogs an arsehole and is rarely off lead these days. He’ll piss off with anyone, steals balls, gets arsey with some other dogs, 🤷‍♀️He is a rescue though.

Their characters change throughout their lives.

I think at 6 months he is still a puppy and they go through a secondary fear period around now where they are more anxious than usual.

I would relax a bit, it sounds like you're massively catastrophising.

Training for dogs and socialising is ongoing, keep encouraging him and building on your relationship with him. Have you got any friends with calm, older dogs he could play with to gain confidence?

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry I've disappeared for a bit but I was trying to get some rest and mentally switch off for a while.
A couple of people said they thought I was catastrophising and I must admit I think I'm inclined to agree. It all feels so huge at the moment, yesterday was a bad day and I think I've got myself into a bit of a state and am not thinking straight.
Lots of people have given helpful advice and / or just reassurance. I've never posted on anywhere like this before, I really am touched that so many people have taken their time to help. Thank you. I'm going to go back through all the messages again later and will take all your suggestions on board.
We'll continue working on encouraging Alfie to stay focused on us when out on walks and rewarding good behaviour. I need to accept that we should keep our distance from other dogs for the time being, whilst Alfie gains his confidence from a distance. I want him to know that we've got his back. He has actually been on a few short walks with a dog walker back home and she said he did well, she carefully chose which dogs she walked him with and so far so good. @Girliefriendlikespuppies He did meet friends' dogs when younger but I must admit I've not arranged anything recently, I've been nervous in case he reacts badly with them. I'll try to arrange some low pressure walks once home though and take it from there.
I realise it will all take a lot of time and patience but we'll keep with it and I'll try not to panic like I seem to have done yesterday. I think it all just felt very overwhelming with so many people with dogs around that we had to avoid, but if that felt overwhelming for me then I guess it's no great surprise that a nervous little pup might struggle with it. I really am trying my best, I just worry a lot that my best may not be good enough.

I have to agree that you didn't research properly. You haven't bought a breed, you've bought a cross of two high energy dogs that need a lot of mental stimulation and will be challenging. Responsible breeders don't cross random combos of dogs and then sell them for what was probably an eye-watering amount.

Obviously that's not helpful now your dog is here, but I am an experienced dog owner and wouldn't touch that cross. For others considering getting a puppy, really do research properly. Don't get random crosses from money-making hobby breeders.

Iggy** I know what its like, our dog can be reactive to some other dogs and it is stressful. However it is normal that dogs aren't going to like every dog they meet.

With our dog we worked hard on keeping his attention on us when we walk passed another dog and give lots of small but v high value treats. I also make sure there's enough distance between them ie crossing over the road if need be.

I know which dogs my dog is most likely to react to so am more cautious around them (large breeds, black dogs, intact males.)

He is absolutely fine with similar sized dogs and bitches so will let him greet and play with them.

You are still learning about your dog and what he likes/doesn't like which is normal.

I also did loads of socialising and training with my dog so definitely felt frustrated that he still ended up reactive (at times) but dogs are individuals at the end of the day and sometimes that's just their personality.

Definitely encourage him to meet older, sensible dogs as it will help his confidence. Try not to pass your anxiety onto him, a little bit of growling is normal especially in young dogs who are pushing the boundaries and learning manners.

You're right!

...it wasn't very helpful!!

& it was totally unnecessary! & very unkind. No need At All.

@Iggy1983 I hope you're having a relaxing day & can get yourself into a more relaxed, calmer state & enjoy the rest of your holiday.

it will all be ok. Xx

Perhaps but until people stop getting ridiculously expensive high-energy designer crosses that they can't handle that inevitably end up rotting away in rescue centres then I'll keep posting it 🤷‍♀️ Maybe it'll make someone else think twice at least.

@RightsHoardingRaptor my dogs are a similar mix

Beddie/whippet/grey but also deerhound in the mix

My oldest is very much a large slinky whippet with whippet temperament and not much prey drive. Just wants love

Second one, same mix but oh boy... he is about 90% deerhound it seems. Sooo big. Sooo goofy.... adore him but he is hard work and has high prey drive to boot

Like you, and I agree in recommending this to OP, you have to find likeminded and like-sized dogs for friendly socialisation. Chat to other dog owners. Make doggie-friends. Don't worry if there is a bit of barking or growling, this will happen and is normal part of dog communication

I wouldn’t have thought a schnauzer poodle was such a terrible mix though?

the trouble with designer mixed is when they are for u realistic reasons - eg Cockerpoo- sorry Cockerpoo owners!! But the problem with that mix is that they are bred because they look cute and like teddy bears and (some) people get them to be cute and cuddly without realising that they are from a mix of high energy high maintenance breeds.

OP still waitingn for a puppy pic….

@SimonaRazowska ah they sound lovely. Isn't it so weird?! Half of mine's siblings are like blue greyhounds and the other half are all long wire hair and scruffy, all sizes, all temperaments. So interesting.