When will I get over my dog?

[Nikki037297]

I posted a while ago in October when my dog suddenly passed away in my arms on the weekend before Halloween after a lovely autumn walk, we came home and she was a little slow to walk in the house so I put her on the sofa with her blanket and very quickly noticed her breathing was very different, I said her name and her eyes moved as if she tried to look at me but her head didn’t move, I put my hands on her and wobbled her and she was floppy, I immediately picked her up and lay her back in my arms. She was unresponsive but still breathing, but more so gasping for breaths, I shouted of my partner to call the vets but by the time he got through she had stopped breathing completely and her pupils had gone to the size of her eyes. I hand my hand on her chest the whole time and her heart had stopped at this point. I knew she was gone and nothing at all could be done.
In the days after I couldn’t sleep, kept bursting into tears. I got many replies on here of very kind words and similar stories and I do believe thsts what helped me through those dark days. We still talk about her all of the time. We made a Sunday lunch last week with beef in the slower cooker and talked about how she was always in the kitchen when she could smell the beef cooking and we would always plate her some up. We miss her on our walks and when we sit out the back garden which she loved to run around in, and she’s now buried out there.
I recently found out I’m pregnant and have been in bed a lot of a case of bad morning sickness and remember in my last pregnancy she knew I was pregnant and never left my side and when I got a bump she would lay on my legs with her head on my bump. I miss that it won’t be like that this time.
When wills I get over her where I’m not sat thinking about her everyday? Iv never lost a pet before she was my first pet I bought when I first left home 11 years ago, she’s been with me every step of the way.
It does feel easier now than at first, at first it was so bad. I realise I’m hormonal and that could be playing a part in. When will things be much better?

Oh im so sorry to read you lost your lovely dog. Sounds like she was a really special girl. Xx

Have you spoken to anybody about what happened OP? I know some people might say it’s “just a dog” but that was a very sudden and traumatic experience for you and you might feel better after working through it with a professional

I understand this.

We talk alot about our pets who have died. Sometimes I get tearful. I miss them so much. I tell my children we know that a pet dying is so hard but the love and joy they brought is the pay off. And giving them a happy loved life is amazing because so many animals aren't as lucky. And I still get sad, miss their smell, their individual funny ways, their big eyes...

It's a really recent event for you and so shocking unexpected. Losing a loved family member is horrible. Be kind to yourself. You know hormones aren't likely to help, so cry and don't let anyone make you feel you shouldn't be sad, you should be over it. Why should you?

I haven’t spoken to anyone, my extended family have stopped talking about her now. But me and my partner and children talk about her all of the time. We got a canvas printed out of her and it’s on the wall with her lead on too, she was a huge member of my family for all those years. Was there for me when others were not, was there when I first left home and lived alone and she was just what I needed in life but I always imagined her life would go on much longer, 11 years seams so unfair and I feel her life was cut short. Who would I be able to speak too about it?

You get pet bereavement phone lines - I can’t remember who does them, but they should be easy enough to google.

I suspect the suddenness and how she died are playing a part tbh. I’ve lost quite a few pets (because I’m not young and I’ve had quite a few pets, lol) and it is always very sad, but the one I really struggled with was because the actual death itself was upsetting.

I’m a psychotherapist and people talk to me about the loss of their pets all the time. It often feels like a grief they have bottled up because it’s ‘only a dog’. The grief is real and deep and it’s so important to allow yourself to feel it and to find people who understand this. I lost my dog last year and I think about him every day and miss him dearly. He was a therapy dog and when he died my clients (who knew him) and I cried together about the loss of him.
I’m so sorry for your loss. They are so special.

Thank you everyone I will have a Google for those phone lines. I often sit and just imagine her walking in and sitting next to me and it feels so unreal that that will never happen again and that she is gone forever.
I also think the way it happened has maybe played a part in how I feel, it was very unexpected very sudden and in my arms. At first I was distraught but now I’m glad that she died in my arms in her home after a lovely walk, I feel that she would have felt very loved in those final moments, she would have always felt loved as she was, but I’m glad It didn’t happen gradually and her be at the vets without me as I would have never forgave myself if I couldn’t have been there for her. But I feel now that was just her last ever thought and she’s gone now she can’t think or feel anymore it’s only me who can remember those final moments

Blue Cross have a pet bereavement line. It's ok to grieve for her. I lost my old boy in June last year, and thinking about it still brings a tear.

I’m so sorry
It was only quite recent really and our dogs are such a huge part of our daily lives of course you will still miss her.
I still tear up when I think of my childhood dog who died over 30 years ago

Oh my that sounds very traumatic but she was so so lucky to have literally died in the arms of her beloved owner with your hand on her wee heart the whole time

We had a similar experience with our girl who had to be pts at the vets. We were there with her and were allowed to take her body home for buriel. I'll never ever get over her body in the blanket we buried her in.
I swore I couldn't ever replace her.

BUT somehow we did go on to get another dog, completely different breed and personality and the new addition has certainly helped us heal

I still get tearful about the beloved dog I lost 16 years ago, let alone the one I lost last year. Their deaths tear holes in your heart that never heal. You learn to live with the holes and now I have another puppy who will make more holes. And they are worth it.

Im so sorry for your loss, I dont think you ever get over it, we lost our boys 8 and 6 years ago, their ashes are in our bedroom and we still have a photo up on the wall. We still talk about the old times, especially if we go somewhere we visited with them. We swore we'd never get another but have now got a 10 month old puppy - so i guess it took us 6 years to be ready to welcome another dog into our lives.

Never.

But it will be OK, the good memories will stay with you, the bad memories will get blurred.

I'm another one who keeps their dogs' ashes.

2 years in now...no easier..
Sorry for your loss op.

Would it help to think from her point of view that her death was not drawn out? The suddenness is horrendous from your point of view, but at least she did not suffer for years? Sometimes when you read a life expectancy figure (eg 14 years), it doesn't take into account the last 1-2 ish years that are really low quality of life for the dog? It sounds like all of your dog's life was amazing quality.

I remember your thread.

It took me three years to contemplate a new pup after my last girl died.

You miss them forever.

Sorry for your loss. You don’t get over it, you just learn to live with it. It becomes more distant and easier to cope with. Sometimes you won’t think about it for a few days, and the gaps between thinking about it get longer. But you always have a scar and you learn to accept that. Grief is just love that has nowhere else to go.

I don't think you ever do get over the death of a loved family member, but you do remember them fondly and why shouldnt you?

Being pregnant, you will feel things more acutely, so do not beat yourself up about it.
Do not let this stop you from allowing another dog into your life.

Thank you everyone I did manage to speak to someone and I’m glad to know what I feel is normal. From my dogs side of things she lived a happy healthy life and she was at home warm and safe when she passed suddenly and I do believe that when I lay her on the sofa she would have just felt like she was falling asleep after her long walk, but really that’s when I noticed her going unconscious, but for her she would have just felt like she was going to sleep and I’m pleased that she had no pain at this time and only felt love and kindness but for me it was kind of traumatic I just expected to get home my dog have a nap and I was going to put my feet up and watch some tv. I am pleased it did not happen on the walk as I wouldn’t have know what to do and I would have had to carry her home.

She had a peaceful death and she lived a happy life. You really cannot ask for anything more. I don't think grief is something you get over, but you learn techniques for managing it. Celebrating those moments she had in her life, rather than missing her in your life is a powerful technique, along with accepting in a non-judgemental way that it is the attachment to wanting her to be with you forever that is causing your suffering.

Op I remember your last post . I again have nothing to say that will help you but it's very normal to feel the way you are . Your family member who you loved dearly and so did your ddog love you the same passed away in your arms unexpectedly. It's a huge loss and only time will make things more bearable for you ❤️. I am so so sorry this happened. I hate the fact that our dogs don't live longer . My boy is 1 and I have anxiety and night mares of him passing away . I dread the day. I love my boy the same as my daughter. I can tell what amazing mam you were to your dog .

I forgot to ask op what breed and she was your beloved dog ❤️

@thegoldenone

I forgot to ask op what breed and she was your beloved dog ❤️

Age I meant ❤️

@Nikki037297 I remember your thread. I posted about losing my boy suddenly at home in 2020.

For me it took months to get over the shock/trauma of how sudden it was. Nights were particularly bad. I barely slept for the first couple of months, would get up in the night to look through photos and watch videos of him in happier times and let the tears flow. His last few minutes would replay in my mind and I would constantly worry that we could-have/should-have done something differently. It did gradually get better, but then I had another elderly dog who became unwell, so he needed me to pull myself together and focus on him. If I am being brutally honest, the distraction and him needing me was what finally shook me out of it.

I spoke with the vet and they said, knowing him, it was probably the best way he could have gone and reassured me that he wouldn’t have known anything other than lying on his sofa at home, feeling safe and comfortable. (In our case we did know he was very ill, but he wouldn’t have handled being handed over to the vets and not having us with him and would have been so scared without us there. At the time I thought that was our only option, having not heard of vets that visit homes at the end.)

We lost our old boy last week, this time we made the decision and took him to our vets, as he was always comfortable there and loved going for his monthly check-ups. It feels very different this time. He was very old, had had a long life full of love and happiness, but had lots of health issues and it was clearly the right time. We are all devastated that he is no longer with us, but comforted by the fact he had a long life full of love and a calm, dignified passing. My heart still hurts just as much, but the trauma isn’t there, like it was when our younger boy passed at home. That kind of sudden, unexpected loss does trigger a trauma response. We are so close to our dogs, often closer than we are with people, as we can truly be ourselves with them, so it’s not surprising that their sudden loss is just as painful and traumatic and no-one would say you were being unreasonable if you had lost a human family member.

I have no idea how you feel about things, but this is the first time in decades that we haven’t had a dog and our family and home just don’t feel the same. I have two dc with additional needs and our dogs have benefitted them both in very different ways, so in our case we started making plans and connections a long time ago to try and make sure we wouldn’t have to wait an excessively long time to open our hearts and home to another dog. I had confirmation yesterday that it will be about three months, which feels right for us, time to grieve and honour the memory of our old boy, before shifting focus onto raising and loving a new life within the family. It will be a completely different breed and having a young, lively pup in the house again after 4 years of caring for poorly and elderly dogs will be very different. Definitely not a replacement, never could be, but another opportunity to share all the love we have available for a dog-shaped member of our family.

It may be too soon for you, everyone is different, but for me, it feels right, so maybe it’s something to consider?

Just read the end of your post and realised you are pregnant, so obviously now is not a good time for another dog, but actually the principle of focussing on new life and giving your all to loving and caring for that new life is the same.

I think as your pregnancy progresses and you start making plans for your baby things will get easier and you will have other things to focus on. Being at home in bed with morning sickness means you are already feeling low and that, plus the hormones and being stuck in bed on your own with nothing else to focus on will probably be amplifying things. I would continue to call the pet bereavement helpline for support.

As a pp said, the memory of your dog and all the happy times never fades, you will always remember her and talk fondly about happy memories and eventually that will be her legacy and the trauma of the last few moments will fade. When we think and talk about my younger boy now it’s about his quirky habits, daft behaviour and fun times we had. I still remember how we lost him, but the second by second experience that was so traumatic and etched into my memory has faded enough to allow me to focus on the good times.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope things get easier for you soon.