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The doghouse

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Original poster

Am I fooling myself that I’ll be okay?

48 replies

blinder · 14/01/2022 23:13

My 15 year old lurcher has had cancer for two years, and I’ve made the decision to put her to sleep next Friday. There are a few reasons I’m picking now, but mainly I’m trying to prevent suffering. She’s stoic but her tumour is now very visible and I’m afraid there will be a sudden crisis. I don’t want her to be afraid when she passes.

Now that I’ve made the decision, I don’t feel unbearably sad. I am worried because I can’t know if it will be peaceful, but I’m not tearful or unsure. I feel as though I have already grieved and I will just be relieved not to be on tenterhooks for her and for me.

Will I get hit by a grief tsunami on the day, or is it possible that I’ll be alright? I imagine I will feel sad and I’ll miss her, but also relieved and grateful that she never really suffered? Do I sound horribly unfeeling? A year ago I felt very differently and I did a lot of crying for her.

Have you been in the same boat? Am I fooling myself or is this how it is sometimes?

OP posts:

Berta81 · 14/01/2022 23:28

I'm sorry you're having to make this decision. We lost our 15 year old terrier last summer in very similar circumstances. I was completely unprepared for the grief. It felt so physical. 18 months on, I'm still caught out sometime, as ridiculous as that might sound. Be proud of making the hardest decision though and good luck

Medievalist · 14/01/2022 23:29

You are doing a very kind and selfless thing. 15 years is an excellent age for a dog.

I had my old girl pts a couple of years ago. I really really wish I'd been strong enough to do it a bit sooner to avoid some of the suffering in her final weeks. I wouldn't make the same mistake again. The injection just makes them go to sleep - it's very peaceful. I took a lot of comfort from seeing my darling girl relax and settle calmly into a final deep sleep.

I'm sure you will feel upset on the day - but there's nothing wrong with that. Well done for making such a difficult decision and doing the right thing for your dog.

Thatldo · 15/01/2022 06:42

You are doing everything right.I went through the same grief process last year.You will feel sad and cry,but ultimately take comfort in the fact,you have been so lucky to have shared all those years with your lovely lurcher.It is part of owning a pet and having to say farewell at some point.Grief is the other part of joy,without both, we would not be human.big hug for friday

ForkedIt · 15/01/2022 06:48

How you grieve has no bearing on how much you loved her. Like you say, you may have already done a lot of grieving. Don’t feel guilty for any way that you feel next Friday.

BiteyShark · 15/01/2022 08:02

I tend to go into practical mode in situations like this having done a lot of grieving upfront.

People grieve in different ways

Olddognewtrick · 15/01/2022 08:34

Sorry to hear about your girl.

We had to make this decision a couple of months ago - I found it really difficult (you can read my posts!) and then we had to wait a week after finally deciding, for my dd to come home. I cried a lot before deciding, even more that week and obviously on the day - but since then I’ve been okay, obviously we miss him but it was clearly the right thing to do and I don’t regret it.

I hope all goes well for you x

Original poster

blinder · 15/01/2022 08:38

Thank you everyone. I appreciate you all sharing your stories and also the reminder that however I feel is alright.

In three weeks, I am getting married. I think that’s why I am worrying how I will feel. We planned for her to be with us on the day, and at the reception, but I think she would have found the whole thing an ordeal. The stairs and cold floors and strange places and people would have been horrible for her.

It feels selfish, but I don’t want us all to be miserable at the wedding, especially my DD (12). But listening to you all, I feel like it’s okay if we are sad and happy too. I think we will probably feel both, and that’s just how it is.

It’s been wonderful to have her live this long, but especially with the aggressive cancer she has (plus arthritis etc), it’s also been a daily ordeal as well. Worrying, constant meds, vets back and fore, fear that she will not be able to get home from a walk, ramps, lifts, steps, toilet accidents, and the constant anxiety that she’s in pain but can’t express it. I think I just feel ready to let her go and be grateful to have had her.

OP posts:

PollyRoulllson · 15/01/2022 08:40

Everyone feels grief in a different way.

I guess it is common to initially feel relief that your dog is no longer suffering but I have also seen people then start to feel guilt (uneccesary) and question the decision and mull over things a bit more. Equally other people although sad are more contented that their dog is no longer suffering.

It is without question a hard decision and a hard time and all your emotions and feelings will be normal so be kind to yourself and take the time you need.

Original poster

blinder · 15/01/2022 08:43

I’m in practical mode @BiteyShark - that’s a good way of putting it.

I’m sorry everyone for your losses too. I feel grateful that we have the option to do this for our lovely dogs. The alternative is much worse I think.

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Original poster

blinder · 15/01/2022 08:43

You are all so kind thank you

OP posts:

Keladrythesaviour · 15/01/2022 08:46

Better a week too soon than a day too late as the saying goes. It sounds like she's had a fabulous life. From one lurcher owner to another, you are doing the kindest thing and my thoughts are with you.

In some ways getting married so soon might help - you will have so much going on, and out of normal routine that it might help temper the grief to start with. You can be happy and sad at a wedding - we attended my DH's best friends funeral a week before hours and commemorated him in our wedding speech. It was both awful and happy.

AdamRyan · 15/01/2022 08:48

I've had many animals put to sleep in my life.
The actual process is fine, they don't know at all, it's a small injection and they just go to sleep. Its very comforting to know that you are with them and can cuddle them as they drift off.
My experience afterwards is it is very sad and upsetting in some ways but you also know it was necessary and the right time. So for me, I don't find it quite as upsetting as human deaths where it was unexpected. I think the fact there was some control helps.
One of my dogs died 20 years ago and I still miss her often but I didn't really cry when she was PTS as she had a tumour and was so poorly so it was the right thing.

RestingStitchFace · 15/01/2022 09:19

You are showing great kindness by giving her a peaceful, dignified death. I honestly wish we could do the same for people.

Kione · 15/01/2022 09:29

My mum had cancer and her final days were awful, I kept thinking why could not we be as humane with people as with dogs.

You are doing the best, it will be peaceful and her last moments will be happy and comfortable surrounded by loved one/s. I would love and ending like that at a good age.

Medievalist · 15/01/2022 10:50

My mum had cancer and her final days were awful, I kept thinking why could not we be as humane with people as with dogs

Same for my dad Kione. He kept telling his doctors that if he was a dog they'd put him out of his misery.

Kione · 15/01/2022 12:18

@Medievalist

My mum had cancer and her final days were awful, I kept thinking why could not we be as humane with people as with dogs

Same for my dad Kione. He kept telling his doctors that if he was a dog they'd put him out of his misery.

Feel for you

cherrypie66 · 15/01/2022 12:35

You are doing the best thing for your lovely dog. I bet his had a great life with you and it's time to say goodbye. We had our girl put to sleep at home. All her family were with her and she was on her own bed we laid with her and told her how much we loved her. It was very peaceful no panic from her or anything like that she just went to sleep. It's heartbreaking but you will get over it and take comfort in knowing how loved he was We rescued a lurcher afterwards and definitely healed our pain putting all our love into him.

Tanfastic · 15/01/2022 13:23

Op, so sorry you are going through this. You are definitely doing the right thing. I went through the same with my 15 year old dog last year and it was in hindsight the right thing to do as he had been deteriorating for a while with one thing and another, what made me take him in the end though was he bit my fingertip off and broke the bone in the end because I don't think he could see very well and he mistook my finger for a chew. I spent three days in hospital where I decided when I left it was the kindest thing to do. the actual process of making the appointment and taking him wasn't the worst bit for me it was afterwards. I was absolutely heartbroken but it didn't help I was off work with my finger so just sat on the sofa sobbing all day. I think I cried at some point every day for about the first three weeks.

However it does get easier 😢. I still, six months on have days where I miss him so much and I've got another dog already! I will shed a tear still if I look at his picture but it's not as bad.

Can I just say one thing though. My dog was a very anxious dog and I asked the vet for sedation which they were happy to give him but unfortunately they gave him too much and weren't able to get a vein 😟. They had to bring him back round again and then put it into his jugular vein (which I wasn't allowed to see). That haunts me to this day and I would never ask for sedation again if in this scenario. He'd had sedation in the past for operations and always been fine which is the reason I asked again.

Big hugs to you 🙂

Georgeskitchen · 15/01/2022 13:57

Its heartbreaking but it's last act of kindness you give to an elderly/sick animal. Our dog went over the rainbow bridge 3 years ago after a good active life. She was 13 and her back legs gave up. The vet administered the dose and she just drifted off. It's very quick and they don't suffer. We scattered her ashes in our garden and have a little memorial plaque fixed to our shed x

vjg13 · 15/01/2022 18:22

I found being with my two lurchers when they were put to sleep actually gave me a lot of comfort in that it was very quick and they didn't seem to suffer. The vet came to our home both times and I let the remaining dog see the deceased one before the vet took them for cremation.

Original poster

blinder · 15/01/2022 19:55

@Tanfastic my vet said he won’t do sedation for that reason. But I’ve seen lots of posts with people advising sedation. When people say it’s very quick, I wonder if they mean with sedation or without? I’m so sorry that you were not able to be with him at the very end. I’m grateful that you shared this with me as I was worried about my dog not having sedation. But now I feel better about it. She does have tramadol because of her cancer and I might give her a dose just beforehand.

@vjg13 we do have another dog. I was planning to keep her away for the procedure itself but let her see our older dog after she has passed. I heard that this will help her to understand what has happened. How was your remaining dog?

OP posts:

Original poster

blinder · 15/01/2022 19:57

@Georgeskitchen a memorial plaque in the garden is a good idea - thank you

OP posts:

vjg13 · 15/01/2022 21:34

@blinder With my first lurcher, the other lurcher was a very calm dog and he stayed in the room on his bed and then we called him over to sniff him after he had gone.
With my second lurcher, we had the other dog out of the room and then called her in after. The vet advised it and I do think it helped the remaining dog understand. Neither were sedated prior.
I hope it goes as well as it can for you

vjg13 · 15/01/2022 21:39

@Georgeskitchen we have a dog memorial locally where we all put up plaques and I scattered both my dogs ashes nearby. I love still seeing their names and other dogs that we walked with. One of mine is next to his doggy best friend which is really fitting.

bollocksthemess · 15/01/2022 22:38

I was in the same position last year with my 14 year old terrier. I’d been crying over whether it was time for her to go for six months, so when I’d made the decision I also booked it for a week in advance.
A friend who is a vet came to the house. We did sedate her as she had dementia and didn’t do well being restrained. My friend was exceptional and timed the injection so she could find a vein before her blood pressure dropped too much.

I was sad but I mainly felt relief. I’d grieved for her before we lost her, and I wished I’d done it a bit sooner.
I actually put the decision off because we were getting married, I now wish I’d done it before.

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