Am I fooling myself that I’ll be okay?

[blinder]

My 15 year old lurcher has had cancer for two years, and I’ve made the decision to put her to sleep next Friday. There are a few reasons I’m picking now, but mainly I’m trying to prevent suffering. She’s stoic but her tumour is now very visible and I’m afraid there will be a sudden crisis. I don’t want her to be afraid when she passes.

Now that I’ve made the decision, I don’t feel unbearably sad. I am worried because I can’t know if it will be peaceful, but I’m not tearful or unsure. I feel as though I have already grieved and I will just be relieved not to be on tenterhooks for her and for me.

Will I get hit by a grief tsunami on the day, or is it possible that I’ll be alright? I imagine I will feel sad and I’ll miss her, but also relieved and grateful that she never really suffered? Do I sound horribly unfeeling? A year ago I felt very differently and I did a lot of crying for her.

Have you been in the same boat? Am I fooling myself or is this how it is sometimes?

[quote blinder]@Tanfastic my vet said he won’t do sedation for that reason. But I’ve seen lots of posts with people advising sedation. When people say it’s very quick, I wonder if they mean with sedation or without? I’m so sorry that you were not able to be with him at the very end. I’m grateful that you shared this with me as I was worried about my dog not having sedation. But now I feel better about it. She does have tramadol because of her cancer and I might give her a dose just beforehand.

@vjg13 we do have another dog. I was planning to keep her away for the procedure itself but let her see our older dog after she has passed. I heard that this will help her to understand what has happened. How was your remaining dog?[/quote]
@blinder Im so sorry you are going through this, its absolutely heart breaking. Im in fully agreement thats its absolutely better a week to early that a day to late, i think you have absolutely made the right decision.

When I had my dear old labby PTS it was very quick and she wasnt sedated first. I had assumed that the vet would inject the meds and she would gradually fall asleep and pass away. However, she passed before the vet had given all the medication, so it was literally seconds. Im hope this is what you wanted to know about in your post above, i know i would have liked to have been better prepared. Its heart breaking, I really feel for you.

I had my 14 year old terrier PTS two days ago. He died peacefully in my arms wrapped in a blanket and I know I did the right thing. He had degenerative myelopathy, had lost control of his bladder and bowels and had become aggressive. I needed a course of antibiotics recently after he bit me. I feel as if I’m missing a limb and the house is missing a family member but I think I’d done a lot of grieving before he went. You are a wonderful dog owner OP and have had 15 mostly wonderful years with your beloved pet. I hope you have a lovely wedding day.

The only reason I asked for sedation was because they would not have got a needle in his leg or paw without a real struggle and there is no way I wanted that for him at the end but in hindsight it didn't work out the way I wanted either. I was able to spend a bit of time with him after he was asleep (sedated) before they took him away though.

A friend sent me a message the day before I took him to be pts and she reminded me to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. Sounds weird because he probably never understood but do you know what I did do it. I was with him for a good hour cuddling him on the sofa and just talked to him, to,d him how much I loved him, what a good boy he'd been for me, talked about all the things we'd done over the years. .....I. So glad I did this 😢....I'm crying now.

Op you will be fine on your wedding day.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been reminded of them all week. The vet is coming tomorrow, and we are pretty much all resigned to the decision we could postpone for a week, maybe two, or more. But she’s just not happy. Anyway, here’s a picture for posterity. She’s a lovely dog.

She's beautiful.

I lost my lab 10 years ago, but this thread has made me cry again. There's nothing like the love of a dog.

Do I sound horribly unfeeling

No, you sound lovely, and if it helps you feel any better, I felt like this about my very elderly grandad just before he died. He was ready. Sometimes, it's just right, and it's welcome, in a very bittersweet way.

She's lucky to have you, and your empathy.

My she is just lovely
I’m so sorry

She looks very content, and very pretty.

She's beautiful, OP. You're doing the right thing. Our greyhound went quickly and easily with the injection. Warning though, she did wee all over the table as she passed (or after?) which was quite unsettling though obviously she wasn't aware.

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate the flowers and kindness

Thinking of you today op

Thank you @Medievalist

You all helped me manage the fear of this whole situation. She went peacefully today in my hands. She was sedated and I panicked internally when initially the vet couldn’t find a vein, but then I made myself relax and I reassured Gracie, and then it just went smoothly. Devastating, but like a few people said, there is a peace and comfort and relief in knowing that we prevented suffering. The vet said that her leg could easily have broken, and in that moment I was 100% sure I didn’t want to wait for that.

We also took her to the field that we walked when she was a young dog. She hadn’t been there for 10 years or so. She was so happy and thrilled, and even managed to half-run after a ball. So she had a good last day with all of us around her.

to everyone here who has lost a pet. Dogs are miracles of love and joy.

What a lovely thing to do for her, to take her back to her stomping ground from her younger days.

It is so difficult and painful to say goodbye to a beloved pet but it sounds like such a lovely and peaceful happy last day for her.
Thinking of you

💐 you did everything right for her. What a lovely y life she has had and what a very special last day for Gracie and all her family. 💐

What a gorgeous Lurcher.. They do steal your heart in an extra special way op.

Sounds like you had a wonderful last few moment with her.
What more can we do as pet owners? They rely on us for everything, including the very difficult decisions we have to make about their health and end of life.
Grief is so inevitable when you lose someone/something you love. You can't really protect yourself from that pain, just know that it's the price we pay for love (sorry for the cliche - but it's true).

I think about the animals and people I've lost in life with a lot more pain and grief if I've felt they were taken too soon. The one animal I've loved the most by far caused me the least grief because they had a wonderful long life with me (they were a rescue) and they were put to sleep at the right time - they didn't suffer and were coming to their natural end, I just helped them miss the last couple of days of suffering. That knowledge brings me so much peace, I hope it does for you too

@blinder I took a lot of comfort that both my dogs were at home and comfortable when they went and there was no crisis situation.
They do leave a dog shaped hole behind them, hope your other dog is ok too.

It was very weird. About five minutes after she died, and for a few hours, there was a feeling in the living room of such relief it was almost joy. It was so unexpected, and so unlike grief, it almost feels like I was feeling her freedom happening, and her release from the heavy burden of her sore old body. That elation kind of carried me through the rest of yesterday. It lifted me above the horror of the thing and the sadness. It was just palpable in the living room - I don’t know how else to describe it. Did anyone else have that?

But it did fade overnight, and today the grief overwhelmed me, so it turns out I am not as okay as I expected to be. A couple of people told me gently upthread that yes I would still be devastated, and you were right. It’s a desolate feeling that she is gone where I cannot reach her. When no-one is looking I’ve sniffed her bed to try and keep her smell in my mind.

Anyway, I agree about the dog shaped hole. It feels enormous at the moment. I know it’s the price of love and that it passes. Also I know I am okay, and will be okay, once I’ve gone through all my waves of feelings.

I just thought I would update, in case anyone In future searches threads with a similar question and is curious how it panned out. For anyone trying to decide whether it’s too soon to put a beloved pet to sleep, afterwards we realised (like lots of commenters) that it would have been kinder to do it sooner in fact, because it was such a liberation for her. It shouldn’t have been our last resort, we now know. It was one of many options before her quality of life started to really decline. I feel I have learned a lot from that.

Thank you for posting this OP I have found it very helpful as I am in a similar position, my dogs condition is under control but is terminal and it is constantly on my mind about when is the right time. I am so sorry for your loss I hope you can take comfort that you gave your dog a dignified and pain free passing with the family they loved.

Oh OP, I know exactly how you feel.

We helped our old boy cross in august and I wasn’t sure it was the right time. He was ok but we were just keeping him going on.
We could have given him months more but by the end of it I’d spent years cleaning up pee and trying to keep an unhappy boy comfortable.

The day we let him go, DH and I were with him, cried and other him, he was our first baby. I was so upset thinking we’d don’t him a disservice but the minute we got him I felt free. The burden of looking after an unwell elderly dog had clouded me. I was so sad that he wasn’t around but I hadn’t accepted the stress I had put on my taped.

It’s totally normal to feel free despite the grief, I completely understand. Give it time, you will become clearer 💕💕