Would you rehome under these circumstances?

[TeenageCockapoo]

I am so, so disappointed to even be writing this thread but it feels like we are now at a point of asking whether our situation with our dog is sustainable.
To cut a long story short- our 15 month old Cockapoo has severe separation anxiety, as well as having fear aggressive tendencies. This combination is making living any kind of 'normal' life really difficult.

We did a lot of research prior to getting a dog, and how it would fit into our life. My partner works in the office 3/4 days a week, whilst I have had almost no office working since Covid apart from the odd day so I planned to mostly look after the dog, with some doggy day care needed. We didn't enter into the decision lightly.
We quickly realised we had a 'velcro' dog- rather than staying sleeping/settled where she is, she will follow me everywhere. She will howl if left in a room, and howl inconsolably if we leave the front door. So we have never left her. We are currently spending a huuuuge amount of time doing the Julie Naismith separation anxiety training, and I now can leave the house for about 18 seconds before she starts crying.
She started showing signs of aggression from about 8 months old- snapping at the odd dog and not wanting strangers to say hello to her. It has developed into she cannot be touched by any stranger (has to be muzzled at the groomers) and cannot meet dogs on lead (fine off lead as she can run away if needed!).

We have spent a fortune on online training programs, trainers and behaviourists. The advice we've received has been very much along the lines of working on engagement/giving treats when she has focused on me- all positive reinforcement. And that works to some extent, but it has only papered over the cracks in that she is still really really fearful, she now just gets a treat for not reacting. I really would rather understand why she is scared in the first place, and how we can make her actually enjoy being out and about. Currently, my partner and I can't leave her but also can't even really go to a dog friendly coffee shop as I am absolutely terrified that she will react to another dog/a stranger will reach out and touch her and she will snap.

For that reason, doggy day care has been a livesaver. She has been to the same day care 2 days per week since she was a tiny puppy. The owner of the day care is a behaviourist, and has always worked with us to understand how our dog is behaving. Recently she has started exhibiting these behaviours at day care, and today they said if there is one more incident of snapping for no reason she will be banned.

I've not got a bloody clue where we go from here. We love her, we really do. She is cuddly and funny and seeing her run around care free is the best thing ever. We would be lost without her. But I'm in my mid 20s, and I have no idea how we ended up with such a difficult dog. What do you do if you have a dog you can't leave at home, can't go to doggy day care, and is reactive when outside?

Apologies for this enormous essay, I'm happy to answer any more questions but I would just really appreciate some wise words on what you do if you end up in this situation.

Very= vet!

Have you tried the adaptil calming pheromone collars? Worked wonders on a past spaniel of mine who got very anxious and grumpy. You have to fit them quite snugly so that they are against the neck and the body warmth releases the pheremones which calm the dog.

I was told by a behaviourist that I consulted a couple of years ago that they saw more cockapoos with problem behaviour than any other breed. They had worked with 6 in a very short period of time.

I think you need to find a really good behaviourist to work with, medication from the vet whilst you work on the separation anxiety and definitely do not send her to the daycare again. Your idea of taking a couple of weeks off to focus on her is a good one.

If you don’t feel able to do this, you should rehome via a rescue.

Lots of advice here. If I were you I would go through all of it and design a plan for a stated amount of time e.g 3 months. Try to give yourself a sense of control and some goals that are achievable and that you can measure. It’s easy to get bogged down with problems like this and unable to sort out what’s working and what isn’t. Make life less stressful by not making any decisions until you have tried several interventions and then whatever you decide to do at least you’ve given it your best shot.
You need to feel in control and less stress will be good for you both. Good luck x

Thank you all so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I would love to reply to every post individually because there's so much food for thought in here.

In response to some questions, yes she is spayed and this is when a lot of the behaviours started showing. Prior to that she was confident, never showed any sign of nervousness. I think something about her experience at the vet, then feeling probably a bit out of sorts/in pain afterwards as well as her hormones being interrupted hugely led to her first signs of not wanting to be approached by humans and dogs. Then she learnt that 'reacting' in some way is very effective at getting them to leave her alone and that's why we are where we are!

We have tried an adaptil plug in, but not an Adaptil collar so will order one of those. We've also tried all of the over the counter anxiety remedies - everything from calming treats, Yucalm and Zylkene.

There's something interesting about this thread which is precisely why I think having a difficult dog as a first time owner is so tricky to navigate. Advice you get from people varies massively- on this thread I've had anything from 'pts is the kindest thing to do' to 'this is within normal teenage behaviour, keep going with the training', 'you need to start leaving her for X minutes' to 'You can't leave her at all'. It is a constant battle to understand which training approaches to follow, and it leaves you questioning yourself and feeling guilty.
The other minefield is what 'accredited' really means- I still can't understand which is THE body to be accredited with- there seems to be so many.

We have been in touch with her breeder and she is very supportive- I don't believe it is anything the breeder has done or not done that has created this. Ours is the only one in the litter with separation anxiety and reactivity, and something that impressed us so much about the breeder was how much she exposed them to when little. To this day, the dog sleeps soundly to the sound of a hoover or the washing machine!

The ABTC (animal behaviour and training council) is a reputable source for accredited trainers and behaviourists. There is a list of practitioners: abtc.org.uk/practitioners/

As a vet I would strongly advise engaging with a reputable behaviourist that you have a good rapport with. They should liaise with your vet about medications and send regular reports to your vet also. While there is a lot of good advice on this thread, it sounds like your little one needs a structured plan that is tailored to you and her. She is going through that tricky age - most pups go through a second fear phase around the onset of adolescence. Cockapoos are generally bright but anxious little things. I would be cautiously optimistic that with the right consistent approach and gradual onset of maturity that you can get through this with her. Very best of luck to you.

Dog Training Advice and Support on Facebook is excellent - here is a link www.facebook.com/groups/374160792599484/?ref=share

They also run a premium Separation Anxiety group. This is run by APDT qualified dog trainers, using positive training approaches. It's a small monthly donation to charity and you can post any time and get advice from the trainers.
I was in their premium puppy group for around 4-5 months and the support was brilliant.

I don't agree with earlier advice to let her cry for a few minutes - with SA it'll just set her back further.

I don't agree with the idea of your dog being PTS at all. I'm saddened and stunned.

I completely understand what it's like to feel overwhelmed by all the different techniques and advice out there. It can cause you to fall into periods of inaction because you don't want to sink months of time into the wrong technique or make things even worse. Then you end up feeling like your whole life is training, because it takes up so much space in your head. But without actually making clear progress.

Your dog sounds exactly like mine. I adopted him at 8 months, and he's 16 months now. It's not always down to bad breeding. Mine is purebred, health tested parents, champion lineage, yadda yadda, from a good reputable breeder. He still has the exact same issues that yours has. Don't go thinking that your dog is this badly bred, messed up creature that you can't shape. If you do, you won't feel equipped to change anything.

Focus on the one thing that will make the most positive immediate change to your life. That's the separation anxiety! My dog barked the place down the very first time we left him - but now he can be left for 4-5 hours, no problem. This can be solved!

Do you ever feel like you're maybe behaving awkwardly, anxiously, a bit robotic around her, when practising door/leaving stuff? I know I did, when I was following all of these individual microscopic steps. So if it helps - as soon as I started just being CASUAL, things started to change. I did the door stuff, built the time up, and if he barked, I just waited for a millisecond of quiet before entering. Does that make sense?

With nervous dogs, you want to think about her life in the general, global sense. Not just individual triggers and issues, but ensuring that she can find calm in her day. Anything highly stimulating, like doggy day care or even one-to-one play dates, create stress because they're such "fizzy" events.

Do you understand trigger stacking and cortisol? Because stress remains in the body for around 3 days, you basically need to space out "big exciting events". For instance, if she's had a playdate, or snapped/lunged/reactively barked, try to give her calm for a few days. Don't freak out if she gets re-triggered within that time. Just do what you can. Whenever my dog has a playdate with a dog friend, I do no other social things with him for at least a few days. Whenever he's had a reactive outburst, I avoid playdates for a few days. That kind of thing. I just give him time to recover.

I also find it helpful to have set times each day to help me remember to work with my dog. Otherwise I forget and get sidetracked (by Netflix...). For instance, every afternoon, I work on training with him. Two minutes, or 30 minutes. Doesn't matter. Every evening, I spend an hour reading training books. Between exercise, games, and training, I easily spend 2-3 hours a day completely on my dog (or things related to my dog), on an average day. I'd say that's a realistic commitment to make.

Meanwhile, can you look for an alternative to day care? A walker who offers solo walks, or a sitter/boarder? She needs a calmer, more one-to-one environment. Many dog carers are totally happy to go slowly with nervous dogs and do a few initial meetings to build trust. Half of the dogs I walk were terrified of me when they met me, but are my best buddies now. Daycares are just too hectic to focus on each individual dog properly.

If vet has offered calming meds take them our neighbor had a rescue 3year old similar behaviour as neighbors we had to keep a lookout because he would nip when we left the house. I started giving him treats we became friends. She's a lovely dog now. It took time patience and consistent training.

She still chases our cat though 😂😂

I could cry I'm so relieved that this thread has turned more positive.

@dustofneptune Thank you so much for such a long and considered post, everything you say reasonates. I am so pleased you can leave your dog for 4/5 hours- that would be a dream for us. The thought of being able to go to the cinema with my partner is so exciting! What you say about cortisol is really interesting- I guess I've always seen it on a day to day basis rather than 3 days. We had an unavoidable trip to the vet last Friday as we needed to talk about meds, and an unavoidable trip to the groomers on Monday as she hadn't been for so long. Then day care on Tuesday and Thursday. So saying that, it's not a surprise at all that we've had a bad week. She is currently snoozing next to me, and I will let her recoup for a few days.

In a rush so haven't read fully but wanted to say I'm in a similar position. Same breed, same age! The separation anxiety has massively improved and we can now leave for 3 hours at a time. He doesn't go to day care (tried and failed) but has a dog walker he adores. He likes people and dogs he's met and has a bond with but anyone else he is super cautious and fear aggressive. He now has a life long health issue that we are learning to manage which may have influenced behaviours in a way but I think a lot is just him.
You sound like lovely owners trying their best x

@TeenageCockapooTeenageCockapoo I have recently acquired a cookerpoo with similar "problems" to yours. (I DON'T recommend re homing as they need an willing & experienceed new owner. )
My advice is Training, Training Training! There is no quick fix, time and patience will be your key to success!
Some dogs simply need "jobs" as they are full of energy and very clever, they need to work this energy off with a variety of different tasks. These type of dogs don't do well as simply being a pet. Don't forget, Poodles and Spaniels are intelligent, high energy woking dogs.

My advice is to join your local dog training club and work yourself up the good citizen dog scheme... and maybe move on to obedience. This can run alongside agility or flyball if you fancy something less rigid.

You might not be into K9 activities, but I think being surrounded by people who know about dogs, have experience of training all types of dogs and being in a group with other dog owners will help you understand your dog better.

You can turn this round with the right support!

@TeenageCockapoo No problem! Honestly, I really do know what it's like. I can tell how much you love her.

I didn't know any of the stuff I talked about above before I adopted my dog. I knew dogs (I walk them, have had them before), but had never had a fear-reactive one of my own before. You just learn as you go along. People tell you bits and pieces, and you stumble upon things, and a year from now, if you keep her, you'll have so much more knowledge and you'll realise that so many of her behaviours have improved without you even noticing.

She might always be nervous. She might not ever be a dog-friendly-cafe kinda dog (mine isn't yet). Or, she might be! But I really think by following your gut instinct with training techniques and behaviourists, and being calm and consistent, you're going to get there.