PTS- how to know it's the right thing?

[heartbroken2021]

I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do or how to move forward. It's been such a long road but also not enough time. I need to write down my thoughts as I can't make sense of things anymore. I'm going to be vague-ish because I know I'm going to get judgments and don't want anyone to connect me with him my other posts in the doghouse.

A few years ago we adopted a rescue puppy. Ddog is a small breed and seemed great, a little timid but overall great. When the ddog hit the teenage months, some warning signs appeared, ddog was difficult with other others suddenly. Ddog was very social but suddenly lunged and barked at other dogs. Ddogs separation anxiety began properly and in a few months it went from us having a social lovely puppy to a dog that couldn't be left at home and couldn't be taken out. So we found sitters and doggy daycares. We started with our first trainer, then 2nd then 3rd. Vet recommended medication, we followed strict training protocols. Medication didn't help, so we switched, we added more. We went to a special vet, more meds, more protocols and ddog just got worse and worse. Ddog was happiest in lockdown. Once lockdown was easing things got difficult again.

Finally he encountered a dog across a fence and bit me when I tried to remove him from the situation. We put this down to stress. Then an off leash dog came at us, ddog bit me various times so that I'd let go and he could attack the dog. We are working on muzzle training but really he can't be in the world at all.

It's been suggested we have him PTS and that feels so heavy and final! Ddog can't be rehomed due to bite history plus I know ddog will be adopted and returned endlessly. Ddog is lovely and cute but living with all their issues is very hard. I've done 2/3 solid years of training and we lived as if in lockdown waaaay before covid.

These are one of these times I hate being an adult and wish my mum would step in and make the hard decisions for me.

Unfortunately he hurts himself, usually throwing himself at the door to try and follow us out. He also has been known to jump very high at the door handle until again he hurts himself. It's awful. It's a full blown panic attack. We've done 2 years of separation training and his limit is still 5 seconds!

I was in this position a few years ago. Severely fear aggressive dog that had shown serious aggression to strangers and dogs with separation anxiety.
To be honest it was awful, I don’t know how we lived like that for so long. We had young children and life revolved around a dog who couldn’t go out but couldn’t be left and who spent her life in fear of everything.

Like you, we tried everything. I won’t go into it all because I’m sure you’ve also read it or tried it. We had more behaviourists, consultations and meds than I can imagine a mentally unwell human would get and although she improved she was a danger to herself, other animals and strange humans although thankfully not to us.

We got a final opinion from a top behavioural specialist who basically spelled it out that our dog was miserable and not all dogs can be fixed. Unless we could commit to never leaving her and finding a way to keep her life stimulated without walking her there wasn’t much else we could do and I didn’t feel that was fair on any of us.
She explained some dogs just can’t for whatever reason be fixed and that it was nobody’s fault.
She also agreed rehoming a dog like this would be irresponsible and also hugely traumatic for the dog.
So after years of deliberation we had her put to sleep.

I felt (still do) incredibly guilty although in other ways I feel guilty for putting her through as much as we did.
Life is so much easier now, I do miss her but at the same time wouldn't bring her back as awful as that sounds. Dogs are meant to be enjoyable and she really was not the fun pet I had wanted.
I have a ‘normal’ dog now and would never take walking for granted again!

I’m not sure any of that is helpful but it did help me to know I wasn’t the only person. I tried everything and invested so much time and money and was still judged by some people for ‘giving up’ but realistically homes for these type of animals are very rare and who’s to say someone else can fix what I couldn’t. I could never have lived with myself if I rehomed her and someone got injured, she was my responsibility from beginning to end

@Maneandfeathers I can't tell you how much your post helped me. I feel alone. The dog professionals we've seen talk about the bag luck of having a dog who is both aggressively dog reactive and has extreme separation anxiety. But because we've managed so far they tell us to keep doing what we are doing. It's very hard. I know if he was bigger we would have made the ultimate decision by now, but he is 5kg and so we keep going. I don't know how long for.

I've turned not only my life upside for this dog but also my parents, who are having to care for him on a daily basis due to ddog not settling in our flat. They live around the corner from us. It's all mad. I've even started cooking/making his food in case his previous food was making his mental health worse. Because of this I depend even more on my mum, since she's having to help me cook it all.

You are the first person to tell me they were in a similar situation. I can't tell you how much your post means me.

It sounds an awful stress to be living with OP. It’s a tough decision to make, but from what you have explained it seems to be in the best interests of you all. Sorry you are going through this

I had a dog like this - extreme separation anxiety and fear aggression with other dogs. Like you I went through the behaviourists, vets, trainers. Nothing helped her. In the end I was lucky enough to be able to commit to her needs - she was never left alone in 10 years, we had no holidays, she was walked only very late at night etc. She died aged 11 and I have refused to have another dog since in case of similar. Now I have children and couldn't give a dog like that the care she needed. I often thought about PTS, because it seemed like a fairly unhappy life for her and me. Quality of life always wins over quantity. Only you know if your dog and your family set-up can work. Don't blame yourself - some dogs are just not born psychologically well.

Thank you @Tempusfudgeit . When it was my and DH we managed. And maybe we could have managed for his natural life but now with a baby, i don't know how to manage anymore. I wonder about the quality of life question all the time.

@heartbroken2021 I think having DC was one of the main things that caused me to make the decision too.
It wasn’t too bad when DS was a baby but when he started toddling around I was constantly worried he would open a door and dog would escape plus we had more visitors and it would send the dog crazy.
I had to put bolts on the internal doors at one point because she was big and could open them and I was scared she would open a door and bite someone.

It was made worse because she was the sweetest most loving dog with family. I could do anything at all to her at home but take her out and it was a different story. I don’t agree with keeping dogs inside without walks and to walk her made her behaviour so much worse so I was stuck.
We did a period of decompression where we didn’t walk her at all and this just made her more pent up!

I actually work with dogs and had discussed it with a Veterinary friend who told me about the evidence that this type of behaviour can be heavily influenced by genetics and that it wasn’t anything we had done. She said some dogs can be born unable to cope with everyday life and it’s usually because the lines the dog was bred from have gone wrong at some point. She described it as a glass of water, most dogs are born with it empty and able to cope with bad experiences being added without overflowing but my dog has no capacity till for any more and so every little experience she had just tipped her over the edge. It could be something as simple as another dog barking at her from a mile away, my current dog wouldn’t even blink but it could affect her for weeks!
We got her as a puppy and you presume puppy-owners fault but actually the signs were there from day one. It still annoys me now when you hear it’s how you bring them up or deed not breed because I am extremely experienced with dogs and she had the very best in socialisation and training from 8 weeks.

The decision was the worst bit. The behaviourist asked me if I could see myself living in this way for the next 10 years and honestly I couldn’t have done it. I think I cried most days about her! I don’t think people understand how mentally draining it actually is to have an animal that could be dangerous and be responsible for keeping it happy but also people/animals safe. The amount of people who told me I was selfish for considering euthanasia was into double figures however they weren’t the ones living like that and they certainly weren’t willing to take her on, just judge from afar.

The actual euthanasia was smooth, she was sedated and it went as well as it could have. I was obviously heartbroken about it but strangely when I got home it was like a cloud had been lifted, I could remove the locks from the doors and have my granny or my sons friends and parents round for a cup of tea without being scared/embarrased about the behaviour of the dog.

Sorry I’ve rambled on a little here but your not the only one this has happened too

@Maneandfeathers your messages have meant so much to me. I've not found another person who faced the same issues and it's been so isolating. My DC is toddling now and we had some close calls with bites, not from aggression but from over excitement but a bite is a bite. Frankly we sort of 'knew' something was wrong with DDog since he was a puppy. I used to have to rock him like a baby for him to nap/sleep otherwise he wouldn't. He was no off switch for good or bad things.

How did you decide to get another dog? I feel too traumatised but equally we wanted a dog because we love dogs and walks and nature and parks etc. I'd been planning on doing agility with our current dog before it became clear he'd never be able to.

@heartbroken2021 we decided to get another pretty much straight away really, mainly as we’ve always had dogs and I already had an older dog (with no issues!) who prefers living with a friend and I didn’t want him to be lonely.
We went for a different breed and I spent so much time interviewing the breeder of the dog we chose. My dog with issues was a herding breed and this time I went for a breed that’s much more easy going temperament wise. I spoke to people who owned puppies from the breeder and even the same mating so I knew I had a very good chance of getting the type of personality I wanted and it turns out he is exactly as she said he would be.
It was still a really stressful time as I was so worried about getting it wrong again!

I was worried about what people would say about me putting mine to sleep and immediately getting another but then again sometimes you just need to worry less about what others think!

I knew there was something wrong as soon as I got my first puppy too. The moment I collected her she was growly, hid and every new experience was met with nervous or aggressive behaviour. I remember her hiding under chairs at puppy class when all of the others were enjoying themselves or learning new things. She even snapped at someone who went to say hello to her at 8-9 weeks of age. My current puppy/dog greets everything with a wagging tail and curiosity and I think I would be much more able to judge how a puppy will turn out now even from a tiny age!

With regards to the child thing, that was the final straw for me. I couldn’t live with myself if my son couldn’t have his friends to play without fear of the dog biting a child. I could lock her away but there was always that risk that the barrier would fail or someone wouldn’t shut a door properly and I wasn’t prepared to live with that.