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The doghouse

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Original poster

I want a dog a but dh says no.

28 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 11/10/2020 13:22

I’m so desperate for a golden retriever. We had one growing up and I adore the breed.

Dh says no. He just said we can’t afford one (we can, he earns well but we spend a lot on crap!).

I feel like a broody and can’t think of anything else.

We have 3dc who are 13, 11 and 4. I’m a housewife at home all day and I’m bloody lonely and fed up.

I feel so sad. And everytime I mention a pup
He rolls his eyes.

Well today I spoke to a breeder and she has a litter due in December. I can’t talk to dh because he gets pissed off.

I don’t know what to do :(

OP posts:
weathervane1 · 11/10/2020 13:26

I think in every successful relationship, communication is essential. Rather than focus primarily on why you need a dog to address your loneliness, I think you should sit down with your DH and explain how you feel and hopefully explore ideas and solutions together as a couple. I'm not sure buying a dog will actually address the underlying issues.

Calligraphy572 · 11/10/2020 13:27

He doesn't want a dog. I mean, of course he should listen to you and sympathise, but if he really does not want a dog - then no dog. The whole family needs to be in agreement about adding a family member.

I think you should address the bored and fed-up part. Would you like to find a job? (If your health/situation permits.)

Viviennemary · 11/10/2020 13:33

Try and find out why he doesn't want a dog. I don't like dogs at all and wouldn't have one. Luckily DH isn't keen either. But it would be difficult if he was adamant he did want one. I honestly don't think I could bear to share a house with a dog.

BiteyShark · 11/10/2020 13:38

Dogs really impact on the whole family. As a puppy they can be noisy, pee, poo everywhere before being toilet trained (can be many weeks), chew, jump, bite (mouth) and then they hit the teenage period where all your training goes out the window and they push boundaries.

There is no way even if you took on 100% of the care would your DH not be impacted. And yes they cost money (vaccinations, worm/flea treatment, insurance, food, boarding, grooming, toys etc).

I would address the part about being lonely and fed up before throwing in a puppy into the mix.

Thesunrising · 11/10/2020 13:42

Adding a puppy to a home with three children & one less than keen adult has the potential to completely throw your household into disarray. Are there any local volunteering opportunities for dog walking for others so you get the company of a dog without the potential for disruption at home?

Swimminginroses · 11/10/2020 13:45

I think you should accept that you can’t have a dog, or at least not the breed you want.

Of all the breeds for a non dog lover (your DH), I think a golden retriever must be one of the worst!

Think about it, they are big, they shed an absolute ton, they adore mud and muck, they are very prone to expensive health issues like cancer and dysplasia, extremely mouthy as puppies, can be very chewy....

If you disliked dogs to start with, bringing a dog like that into the house would be a disaster!

My DH isn’t a massive dog fan, he bought a dog because I and the kids wanted one, he likes her but he doesn’t ‘love’ her.
He’s willing to have more if they are like her (friendly, quiet, clean, obedient) but he isn’t a dog person.

He was always into cats so got a cat.
Our cat is nice enough but very destructive, he deeply regrets her, wants to rehome her but doesn’t because the kids love her.
It has caused big arguments between us and completely put DH off ever having another cat.
Don’t underestimate the stress a pet can cause if one half didn’t really want it in the first place or if it doesn’t meet expectations and develops health and/or behavioural problems

Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 11/10/2020 13:46

iv been using that "borrow my dog" app.

i think with the dc being older it would be a lot easier, they are well behaved and my dd13 is such a sensitive soul and loves animals.

im happy with training etc, i had a Labrador when the older two were tiny but sadly she had cancer. We used to go agility and training. she was bloody hard work but i adored her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 11/10/2020 13:47

he loves dogs normally, he had a lab while living at home but his mum rehomed her without even telling dh. He was devestated, she was an amazing dog.

OP posts:
Swimminginroses · 11/10/2020 13:51

he loves dogs normally, he had a lab while living at home but his mum rehomed her without even telling dh. He was devestated, she was an amazing dog
Maybe he doesn’t want to bond and get hurt again?
He sounds a bit like my non dog DH, he grew up with dogs and really adored one particular dog who his parents gave away.

I often joke with him that he must have old trauma for his past adored dog and that’s why he isn’t really into dogs now.

MiddlesexGirl · 11/10/2020 13:52

If his only objection is financial then maybe do some maths to persuade him. Perhaps do dog walking for others in order to pay for your dog.

Of course, if there are other reasons then they need to be addressed too.
But I feel your pain. All I can say is that if you can't persuade your dh then try to fill your days with other things, be that work, volunteering, exercise, hobbies, study ....

vanillandhoney · 11/10/2020 14:01

If he doesn't want a dog, then the answer is no dog. I know it sucks and I totally get that you're upset, but he shouldn't be made to live with an animal he doesn't work.

Dogs are a lot of work, and you can't avoid that. You may do the majority, but he'll still be woken when the puppy needs to go out multiple times a night. He's not going to just ignore sick or accidents on the floor - he'll need to clean it. If you're busy and the puppy needs to go out, he'll need to take it. If you're unwell or away, he'll need take the dog for a walk. Goldens also shed a LOT and the hair will get everywhere. The mud, the drool, the rain, the smell - you can't escape it.

They also have a huge impact on your life - no more days out at the last minute (who will watch the dog?). No more holidays unless you can take the dog or pay several hundred for kennels or home boarding. What about trips to the zoo, the beach or amusement parks? You can't take the dog so, again, you need to look into care.

If he doesn't want the commitment of a dog (and they are a BIG commitment) then the answer needs to be no. I'm sorry.

lynsey91 · 11/10/2020 14:01

You say you are using the borrowmydoggy app. Are you actually looking after, walking etc other peoples' dogs?

I would use that for now and if you are looking after dogs in your house hopefully your DH will see how lovely it can be having a dog.

Floralnomad · 11/10/2020 14:39

If he doesn’t want a dog then you don’t get a dog , why not volunteer at a rescue during the day .

PollyRoulson · 11/10/2020 16:37

No way am I a relationship consellor so this could be way off.

I would be pretty hurt if my OH said "No" to something that I really wanted. Relationships are all about compromise and I would want to have a really detailed discussion as to his reasons why not. I would want to put my viewpoint across clearly and listen to his.

If his refusal was relevant and impacted on the whole family then ok but there is usually a compromise maybe get an adult rescue so as to miss the time consuing puppy years, get a dog with less hair and moulting . If I often have passing fads and he enabled me to see this was the same then fair enough. As adults in a relationship the idea of one being able to say no for no good reason would concern me.

My DP has to accept me and the dogs, he knows he would be the first one out of the door if he was not happy with this situation. Equally I put up with the fetish for rusty vintage cars........

HamishDent · 11/10/2020 16:46

Unfortunately if your DH doesn’t want a dog then you shouldn’t get one.

My DH was the same. Married 20 years and just this year he finally said he was open to the idea. I’m waiting at least another year though and if he’s still keen we’ll look into it. I know how much work dogs are and the restrictions they put on your life. It wouldn’t be fair to the dog to bring it into a household where it wasn’t 100% wanted by everyone.

RunningFromInsanity · 11/10/2020 16:52

@PollyRoulson You don’t compromise on a dog. It’s a 15year 24/7 commitment that completely takes over every aspect of your life.
Unless everyone is in 100%, it’s a no.

BiteyShark · 11/10/2020 17:00

[quote RunningFromInsanity]@PollyRoulson You don’t compromise on a dog. It’s a 15year 24/7 commitment that completely takes over every aspect of your life.
Unless everyone is in 100%, it’s a no.[/quote]
I agree with this even though I was the one that mainly wanted the dog but would have not got one if DH hadn't said yes.

Our holidays have been massively cut back, we spend a fortune on the dog, no spontaneous days out anymore. But more importantly he looks after BiteyDog if I can't, we have had many sleepless nights when he was a puppy and over the 4 years so far numerous late night/early morning and weekend dashes to the emergency vets. One year we spent time travelling back and forth on Christmas Day and New Year's Eve. It's a commitment you have to sign up for because otherwise the impact and resentment would be massive.

Hoppinggreen · 11/10/2020 17:01

I have a Golden Retriever,I have had them all my life and I love him very much BUT we didn t get him until DH fully agreed.
It’s a commitment for the whole family and the whole family has to be behind it
I also think your 4 year old is a bit young for a big dog in the house to be honest as well. I know a lot of people would be happy to do it but I wouldn’t. My youngest was 7 when we got ours and we maybe should have waited even longerv

PollyRoulson · 11/10/2020 17:15

[quote RunningFromInsanity]@PollyRoulson You don’t compromise on a dog. It’s a 15year 24/7 commitment that completely takes over every aspect of your life.
Unless everyone is in 100%, it’s a no.[/quote]
No I know I have 6 dogs and there is no compromise - if DH didn't like it he would out of here Grin

But equally if there was something he really really really wanted I would try to work out how it could happen. If it really couldn't fine but it would not get a no without discussion which is what the op is describing.

But equally if OP DH is out at work and he only has to step over the dog in the evening and the odd weekend walk........

vanillandhoney · 11/10/2020 17:34

But equally if OP DH is out at work and he only has to step over the dog in the evening and the odd weekend walk........

But that's really not the case with a pet that lives in your home 24/7.

Dogs impact everyone in the house. If a dog (or any pet) is so important then don't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to live with animals. You can't get a dog and have it just impact you - it doesn't work like that.

Dogs smell, they shed, they bring mud and muck into the house. They have accidents (as puppies, when unwell, and as older dogs), they get sick, they have the potential to bring in ticks and fleas. They require walking. They can't be left for too long. They impact on things like days out, weekends away, holidays, nights out after work - someone has to be around for the dog or you need to pay for care.

I would never have gotten our dog if DH didn't want him too. He impacts both of us. He's expensive. He can't be left for too long. We both have to be happy with taking him on holiday or forking out for kennels. He needs walking whatever the weather etc etc.

People shouldn't get dogs unless all the adults in the house are 100% on board because there is NO WAY you can get a dog and not have it impact other people in some way.

BiteyShark · 11/10/2020 17:38

No I know I have 6 dogs and there is no compromise - if DH didn't like it he would out of here

Light hearted or not the OP also has the option of leaving her DH if having a dog is more important.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 11/10/2020 17:42

Could he be open to a compromise? A dog who is slightly less obviously present as it were? A smaller, less sheddy, less dribbly breed, that is less obtrusive such as......

I want a dog a but dh says no.
PollyRoulson · 11/10/2020 18:06

Thank you Bitey for realising the light hearted tone to my posts Smile

@vanillandhoney I do realise the impact of having dogs. However the controlling aspect of the OP thread does need looking into in my opinion

DH says no
I’m bloody lonely and fed up
I can’t talk to dh because he gets pissed off

To me this indicates the need for a long conversation and a need to compromise. That may not be on agreeing to a dog but discussion needs to be had.

But as I say dont really do human emotions better with dogs.

madcatladyforever · 11/10/2020 18:16

if I had a partner and they insisted on bringing a dog into the house (I don't really like dogs) I'd leave, equally if they refused to let me have a cat I'd leave.
There is no compromise on either.
However, you have 3 kids together so you are going to have to find a compromise somewhere.

vanillandhoney · 11/10/2020 18:16

@PollyRoulson

Thank you Bitey for realising the light hearted tone to my posts Smile

@vanillandhoney I do realise the impact of having dogs. However the controlling aspect of the OP thread does need looking into in my opinion

DH says no
I’m bloody lonely and fed up
I can’t talk to dh because he gets pissed off

To me this indicates the need for a long conversation and a need to compromise. That may not be on agreeing to a dog but discussion needs to be had.

But as I say dont really do human emotions better with dogs.

I suppose what I'm saying is this - if one person is adamant that they don't want a dog, how can you realistically come to a compromise?

There is no magic breed of dog that doesn't require work and doesn't have an impact on everyone in the house. Not everyone likes or wants to live with animals and that's okay - it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them or that they need to be sat down for a discussion. If he's adamant that he doesn't want a dog, a discussion won't change that. If OP pushes and he relents, he may end up feeling incredibly resentful which could cause even more problems, especially if the dog is hard work or the OP struggles.

If OP is lonely and fed up, there are plenty of options out there to explore that involve working with animals. Volunteering at a rescue. Volunteering for numerous animal charities. Once the 4yo is in school, she could look into getting into dog walking or grooming, or working at a daycare. Plenty of pet-care qualifications can be done remotely too.

I took up dog walking when my last job didn't work out and it's great. You can set your own hours, it's flexible and it's not a bad earner. If OP can only do school hours then that's peak "popularity" as most people want lunchtime walkers.

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