I think today is the day. Worried I'm not making the right choice.

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

I am torn at the moment. And I feel horrendous.

I have a 16 year old Staffie who was in the summer diagnosed with kidney disease. She was stage 2/3 and the first thing we noticed was that she was drinking a lot which we put down to the heat we had over the summer.
We have done everything the vets have suggested.
She is on fortekor, I cook her a renal diet and give her supplements.

She was doing okay not as sprightly as she once was but not surprising considering her age.
Despite everything we have been doing her bloods keep showing progression and no stabilising the disease. In fact her last bloods showed that she now also has potential problems with her liver and a increased calcium which the vet says could be an underlying malignancy. We refused any further tests and decided just to keep her comfortable at home.

The past few days she has been quiet, she has loose bowels and just sleeps all of the time. We are having to tempt her to eat and she is drinking so much water.
When she goes outside to the garden she stands looking lost and forlorn. She always used to be a run out, wee and back in as quick as she could kind of girl.
She sleeps with me and last night she wet the bed and was lay in her own wee
This has happened before but something just seems different this time and I think she is going downhill.

I've called into work and was about to call the vets and ask for a home visit to let her go and she wont get better, she is terminal and I don't want her to suffer. Despite all that I have written I do not think she is suffering.

However what I'm finding really conflicting and is making me think im doing the wrong thing is that she still gets so excited to see us.
Yesterday my eldest dc came home and she was like a puppy again. Running all over the place and jumping.
It is short lived and she was back on her bed but I just hate to think she is still happy and I'm calling it. I'm dreading the vet getting her and her jumping up to greet her.

What can I do? I am upset, yet resigned, frightened yet relieved, heartbroken but proud and honoured that I have had her so long.
I don't want it to be a second too late
But equally I don't want it to be a second too early.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You have made the most difficult, and the bravest decision.
Please be kind to yourself. You've done th right thing for her.

So sorry - it's such a terrible tough decision to make, but the last act of kindness we can do for our wonderful friends and we owe them that. Look after yourself x

So sorry for your loss. She had a lovely life with you and your love meant you did the right thing for her at the end.

So very sorry for your loss

You did the right thing op.

So sorry for your loss. Posting here you did know what you needed to do and you've given your beautiful girl the greatest gift you could've done at the end of her life. You've been very brave.

Your dog was clearly much loved and had a good life. We also had a Staffie who made it to the age of 15. She had some health problems later in life and was on regular medication but didn't suffer.
I can relate to your sudden feelings that enough is enough because that is how it happened with our girl. She had been to the vets and we had made the decision for her to be pts the following day. We didn't want to do it there and then and prevent the chn having the chance to say goodbye. She had been a part of their whole lives.
When we took her back the following day she took her last breath whilst the vet was getting ready. It was so peaceful and calm.
As a family we were lost without her for a long time. Staffies are hugely misunderstood and imo one of the very best breeds of dog.
I am so sorry for your loss xx

Tears in my eyes for your loss OP. That was a brave and loving thing to do, the right thing to do and, I , know, the hardest.

Please don't feel guilty. You did the best and most kindest thing you could for her

I think about it and think that there was only one way this could end eventually and that she would really suffer and I feel calm.

But then I think as I only decided yesterday and she walked into the vets fine and wanted to go home and it hurts. Like a physical pain in my chest and I feel like I cannot breathe.
Like maybe she would have perked up for a few days.
She cried for pizza last night and had some toast crusts this morning. But the since just before Christmas she has been not into her food.

I was cooking for her and sometimes she seemed to love it. Other days it seemed we were convincing her to eat. Sprinkling cheese on her food, stirring in some cat food or even gravy.

My DH thinks we did the right thing as we can't keep her with us for wanting pizza crust and being excited for 30 seconds a day. Because the rest of her time she just lay there, she hadn't slept properly for a couple of weeks and was up and down and unsettled.
In fact DH said he used to feel relieved when she did fall asleep as mostly when she was awake she paced the house and seemed anxious.

I was so worried and had a gut feeling that she would begin the rapid decline of the kidney failure over the weekend with the out of hours vets miles away that I think it drove a lot of my decision.
We had a cat pass with the same disease and her end was horrific. She went from being off her food to dragging herself across the floor weeing in a matter of hours and that wasn't right.

I'm beating myself up so much.

The cat and my other dog who had a tumour on his spleen which had no symptoms until it ruptured ( her brother) were clinically so unstable. Couldn't stand, hardly breathe. Medical emergencies. So the choice was taken from us so to speak.
And I feel cold, callous and hasty right now.

I still think she was merely existing though. Not living.

I keep standing up and pacing like she did.
I cannot stay still.
I just don't know what to do with this feeling in my chest.
I feel like screaming and being sick.

I can hear the blood in my ears and my own heartbeat.

So sorry OP.

I think you did the right thing. You could have let her get worse and worse, which I do not think would have been the right decision. She was 16, clearly very loved. You are grieving. She is not suffering anymore.

@Carrotcakeforbreakfast you are grieving. Just let yourself do it and give yourself a break. You did the best thing. Our cat died of kidney disease also and it was horrific. A family pet is part of the family

this might help

I'm so very, very sorry. The pain is awful. My old boy isn't far from his end and I only hope I'm as brave and loving as you when his time comes 💐

@carrotcakeforbreakfast such a hard time for you. Remember all the good times and know that you did the right thing in the end.

We had our darling lab put to sleep 4 years ago yesterday. I still get teary eyed for her at times, her ashes are in the kitchen in the sunny ledge that she used to lie under.

We left it for weeks before taking her in, and she was ready before we were if I'm being really honest. The grief was horrendous, and I nearly punched someone for telling me it was "only a dog". She had been my best friend for 13 years, asked for nothing and just gave unconditional love 24/7.

Let yourself grieve, it's normal. And you know you did the right thing

You did the right thing, and you were there with her at the end.

Yes, you could have held off a few more days/weeks.....but to what end? She had 16 good years with you, what difference would a few more days of just existing make? Also, as you say, she could have went into a rapid decline and been in pain.

It is very hard to have to make a decision about somebodies little life, so of course you are doubting yourself, that's normal....but deep down you know you did the right thing.

I’ve had a few cats and dogs put to sleep Over the years
The only ones I regret are the ones I hung onto for too long

How are you today op?

Please rest assured that you did the right thing to make the decision to PTS while she still had enjoyable moments. Dogs live in the moment. Better a little early than to have her suffer

and many many hugs. I put my beloved boy out of his misery 3 months ago and I miss him every day. I still debate daily whether I did the right thing at the right time and usually end up beating myself up because a) I left it too long or b) I did it too soon. Nothing but time can heal your hurt. Much love xxx

don't want it to be a second too late
But equally I don't want it to be a second too early.

Nobody can pick the exact right moment their pet would choose. Nobody. I have been a vet for 15 years and I won't be able to pinpoint with that level of accuracy when my own dog's time comes. All you can do is make you best guess and go for it. And know that even if you didn't choose the exact hour and second they would have chosen, you will be close enough. And closer to the perfect time than the vast vast majority of animals and humans in the world get.

Yes it is heartbreaking if they want to go home. But if she had been so far gone that she had lain in a heap not caring where she was ...
She loved home but she loved you more. Home is where the heart is, and she loved you, and you were there.
Your "existing not living" comment is very pertinent. If you had swapped bodies, what would you have wanted for yourself?

Well today I went back to work...
I think it probably wasn't a good idea but it was out of hours and it is hard to cover the shift.
I see a lot of suffering every single day and while it isn't the part of the job I like i thought it might distract me.

In my job I have to cannulate people. I found this so hard today as everyone I cannulated I aspirated their blood into the flush I had flashbacks of seeing the same yesterday.
It was horrific. I called the registrar on call " the vet" and came home to a still house.
DH had moved her bed, and her bowls and all her medicines which we left on the kitchen worktop.
He emptied the fridge of all the food we had tried and cooked for her over the days leading up to that day because he couldn't stand the reminders.

I picked up my cup of the fireplace tonight and there were dog treats behind the clock ( kidney friendly I might add)
I put my coat on this morning for work and there were dog treats I took to the vet to give her ( and forgot).
I want to throw the coat away.

I keep reminding myself I am suffering now because I took her suffering and upcoming suffering from her. I am taking that for her. She is at peace and I am not.

I am still tormenting myself with " maybe she wasn't that bad"

Me and DH lay in bed crying this morning talking about what a wonderful girl she was and what was going wrong.

She had end stage renal failure
Her liver levels were all out to the point that the last labs said they couldn't rule out a liver pathology.
Increased calcium- possible malignancy
Arthritis ( mild but she had a bad day a few weeks ago and tablets sorted that and a woolly jumper)
She was allergic to dust mites all her life and was on apaquel daily for that.
She was as deaf as anything and we didn't realise until we lost our other boy 5 years ago as he was her ears.
Her eyesight was failing
And she had a heart murmur. Low grade but there..

Despite all this she was happy until recently when her eyes told me she wasn't happy. I think it was her eyes that told me the more I think about it.
That she she lost the staffie stride and walked with her tail and head down a lot of the time.
Before that she bounded everywhere and pretty much has a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eyes.
I think this is what changed.

powershowerforanhour

Your post has brought me such a lot of comfort. It really has. I wouldn't want to live like that and I did everything I could.
We had nothing left to give. We were waiting for the inevitable all while she seemed sad.
We could have tried the sub q but she would have hated that so much and I didn't want to upset her.

I regret not feeding her steak and sausages for the final days.
Turkey, pasta, pumpkin and egg whites was her food. But as DH reminded me.
Anything considered a treat made her vomit or have explosive bowels. So we chose what was better for her.

@Carrotcakeforbreakfast your posts made me cry. You clearly loved her so very much and there's no doubt she knew and trusted you. Your job was doing the best for her. Which you did. And you loved her.

A friend had to pts her dog yesterday and he was the beloved friend of our old boy ( before we moved away) and it's made me know our time to be brave won't be so very far away. Heartbreaking but that's what love is.