My dog is a dick.. please regale with stories of similar

[YoureAQuizardHarry]

Hugo.. the most ridiculous animal I’ve ever had the pleasure of owning.. he had a cone of shame in this photo as he ate an action man and 37p on a walk with a dog walker 🙄 then we had to rearrange our holiday for a dog friendly hotel which cost a fortune and he refused to walk upstairs when we got there so DH had to carry him up 2 flights of stairs, popped him down and then he ran and jumped on the bed!!

😂 also there’s the time he ate bread dough that was proofing and then sicked it up, started banging into things so off to the vets we go, vet has a look and concludes the dog is drunk as the yeast in the dough is fermenting in his stomach 🤦‍♀️ then when we were discussing how to treat him he ate the vets shoe lace! He earned himself a photo on the wall of shame at the vet for that one!!!!

Our dog is a jerk. He knows this also. He's a bit of a sick note and has had a lot of surgeries and procedures over his 11 years:

He purposely walks in to things when he's wearing the cone of shame (CoS) in order to bend them so much out of shape he can get them off.

We now tie on CoS, so the jerk slices them across the back of your knees or Achilles and rams it in to your shins.

Pretends he can't eat from his bowl whilst wearing CoS so you either have to hold the bowl up, hand feed him, or take the cone off then chase him round the house to get it back on.

Has the ability to remove any bandage within seconds. Our local vets bet on who's bandage will stay on him the longest.

Picks up horse poo in his mouth, rolls in fox poo - will often rub himself again you when he's done that too.

He once fell in a dyke of stagnant water and it took 5 baths before he smelt clean. I have a scar on my shoulder from him cutting it open with his claws trying to use me as a method of climbing out said baths.

Today my dog found a delicious poo and tried to eat it, I have a very weak stomach so I was sick, dog tried to eat that too, I'm sending her back to rescue and getting a fish

Ddog is only 10 months so time to be a complete arsehole. His mainly consist of behaving like a total moron when he sees other dogs and refusing to return when off lead.

And another... Took Bdog for a walk down into the woods... To get there you go down a footpath with a barbed wire fence on one side... B saw a muntjac and went to dive through the fence.
In doing so he got the nylon part of the extending lead stuck in the x of the barbed wire. I didn't dare pull the lead in case it snapped and he buggered off. I tried ringing several people to come and help. Eventually a friend agreed to come.
In the mean time a lady I know came down the footpath and took in the situation..
"Hold the dog dear and I'll release the lead..." She did.... Bumble then shot forward taking my arm with him which got ripped open on the barbed wire... 😔 😔 😔 😔
I then had to walk quarter of a mile home pouring blood...
Wilf saw me walking up the path. One of his autism foibles is a fear of blood. He opened the front door looked me up and down announced loudly he "didn't do blood Mumma!" and slammed the door again.
I had to go over the road dripping blood for my friend to put butterfly stitches on!!

What a funny memory, Elderflower! Thank goodness for good neighbours.

When Spot1 died we were not supposed to be getting another Spot. However young child found Spot2 and old child paid for her (or at least some!) and she was lovely, so she came home with us. However, the other day she got into old child's bedroom while child was out and trashed it. Old child now not happy and has disowned dog. Talk about biting the hand that feeds!!

Ha1 GloryDog looks like our GreedyDog.

Today she ate about 12 (delicious) chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter that lovely DC2 had made yesterday and covered up on the side with clingfilm and a tea towel instead of putting them in a tin. I didn't spot them on the kitchen worktop last night when I went to bed. Then when I heard TerribleDog clicking around downstairs in the night I thought she was scared of the storm - heavy rains etc. Well, maybe she was comfort-eating... crumbs everywhere and a distinctly sorry-not-sorry doggo in the middle of it all.

So after Google told me 75g of cocoa powder was borderline panic stations territory I had to call the poor vet at 6 a.m. (who was SO NICE and also told me hmm, borderline for bringing her in, could do but if it was his dog he'd watch and wait and feed bland food like chicken and rice... at which point I harrumphed at the poor bloke about "rewarding her bad behaviour"!) And she is FINE now. Totally FINE. And I'm cooking chicken and rice specially.

She has also eaten a child's birthday cake during the actual party, stolen an enormous artisan pork pie one Christmas at my mother's house, and various other delights.

And the other day she Houdini'ed herself into someone's locked and secure garden that backs onto the park, and I had to enlist a very kindly but bemused next door neighbour to help heft her out. There were no holes in the fences. I am still baffled. She was pretty pleased with herself then, too.

I say on a regular basis, you absolute dick!

Has eaten through roots of two lovely climbing plants that took years to grow and are now dead, skinned and mutilated various sylvanian families and barbies, stolen and eaten the crotch of various pairs of my underwear, jumped up on the kitchen side and stole a whole bag of shopping and dragged it under the table (only to be bitterly disappointed it was vegetables!) the list goes on and he is only 12 months old 🤣

My mums dear departed King Charles Cav used to steal worn pairs of knickers from the wash basket and retire behind the sofa to have a good chew at the crotch he also once got in the garage on Christmas Day night and, by pushing a bucket over, managed to reach the turkey on a shelf way above his head. I went in for more booze and saw him stretched as high as he could stretch, perched on this bucket, chowing down on the turkey 😂

Her new puppy though...Christ. He’s insane. Steals anything and everything he can lay his chops on, but especially loves DS’s beloved cars. Legged it upstairs the other night (where he’s not allowed - he knows this). I swear he just did it for a bit of fun. He ran round like a mad idiot for 10 minutes, jumping over beds, hiding then zooming past me, generally being a massive dickhead who wouldn’t calm down, come, or be coaxed with ham. He only comes if you wave a nice treat, not those r

Posted too soon!

He won’t come for puppy treats. Nope. He might come for sausage, chicken or ham but only if he fancies it. He also managed to convince the kennels he went to while we were on holiday that he was too sad and terrified to walk anywhere so they spent the whole week carrying the beast around even down to the field where he would happily run around and play with other dogs before being carried back up to the house again. Knob 😂

@PrincessHoneysuckle I feel this deeply, my Donut is exactly the same!!

My dog is a cross between two breeds not known for their brains, and is a total idiot!
She digs holes in my sheets whilst trying to get under the duvet, chews my shoes (But only one of a pair) if I go out for 10 minutes, eats the eyes off DS's cuddlies (Which is a little creepy!) goes mental at squirrels on the fence but totally ignores them when they're 3 feet from her in the park!
But we love her ;)

My cat was poorly last week and dog found some of her poo and decorated himself and the lounge with it all. I had to throw the rug out and he was very upset about this and walked around for hours forlornly

@PookieDo that's amazing! 😂

My older cocker spaniel is on a life mission to smell of fox poo. He's very successful and is bathed at least three times a week. We have animology fox poo shampoo on subscription from Amazon

Our puppy is going for the Olympic record for eating pairs of shoes. She's a little ***er for it. It's cost me a fortune in replacing them for family members

Our other dog fucking loves stinking of god knows what! She rolled in a dead salmon head that was covered in maggots and I had to wash her at 3am and she had a maggot in her ear...

Like butter wouldn't melt!

My Glen of Imaal managed to get hold of a container of biscuits that I had baked for a school cake sale and had left overnight in a place that I was absolutely, positively sure that he couldn't reach. He ate until he almost popped and looked pregnant for about four days. We were a bit worried because he has a sensitive tum, but fortunately it was just room-clearing farts for a few days.

Mine has not only learnt how to open the shower cubicle, but to turn the shower on.

He doesn't like rain however.

My 14 month old lab nearly put me into cardiac arrest yesterday when she licked a dead jellyfish on the beach and almost immediately fell ill; vomiting and looked like she was about to collapse. It took an emergency trip to the vets for a £90 injection to find she was absolutely fine and shouting for her dinner as soon as we got home, which was only about 30-40 minutes after the incident. So glad she's okay though, the greedy pain in the arse

Jesus I would also have keeled over at the jelly fish!!

What is it with my dog and bones
He keeps bloody finding random bones out on walks and then scoffing them. I then spend hours watching him that he doesn’t have a perforated stomach

This all gives me so much reassurance that it's not just my dog who's a penis. In the past 2 days she ate my nicely decorated cupcakes and a WHOLE PAPA JOHN'S PIZZA. Her greatest hour was getting into a new sack of kibble... Emergency vet appointment, xray to see that her stomach pretty much filled the chest cavity... He said there was literally no space to operate so we had to keep making her drink water and let nature do its course, stayed up all night and clear up the many, many piles. She's also quite partial to a bin bag - takeaway tubs, anything saucey or stinky.

@YoureAQuizardHarry - I see your fish head and raise you half a very dead seal!

Dh had taken the dogs to the beach, and ddog2 found this very runny dead half seal wedged into the rocks. First of all she tried to drag it out, to bring it home - thankfully it was too firmly wedged - and then, when she couldn’t get it out, she rolled luxuriously in it instead.

She smelled absolutely appalling - way worse than fox poo - and dh had to bring her and ddog1 home on the train. Luckily they had the carriage to herself, but even ddog1, who is a Labrador and therefor a connoisseur of foul odours, wouldn’t sit near her.

When he got her home, dh’s cunning plan was to take ddog2 upstairs to the en suite and shower her there. He was a little surprised that I was not enthusiastic about a dog, coated in runny dead seal, going through our bedroom - I knew the smell would linger! The dog had to endure a cold wash, with the hose, in the garden.

Even after we’d washed her twice, she still reeked, but it was fainter, so dh took her upstairs to the shower - but by this time we’d run out of dog shampoo, so he picked up the cheapest shower gel he could find, to finish her off - we had sons, so the shower gel was Lynx. Still - better to smell like a teenage boy than a rotting seal!

The first time I ever allowed my dog in the living room home alone, while I went to the shops (20 mins max). She got every book she could reach and ripped each one to shreds...

My adorable eejit has only ever chewed one piece of mail in her 13 year life... and it just happened to be an important document from the regulatory body for my profession. I literally had to explain that my dog ate it. Mortifying.

Have told this before.

When ddog was about 10 months old dh had to have a stoma fitted after a perforated bowel. We had a special bathroom bin (that was emptied daily) that contained his used stoma bags.

One morning when dh at work and dd at school I was cleaning upstairs. Kept getting a whiff of shit. Emptied stoma bin, opened some windows. Still kept smelling shit. Wondered if pup had poo'd upstairs had a scout round and nothing. Went downstairs, nothing in kitchen. Went in living room and jesus fucking christ.

Pup had stolen a stoma bag out of the bin, while I was cleaning the bedrooms. Brought stoma bag downstairs to properly kill. She's a whippet with a high prey drive, stoma was properly dead.

She must have shook it and shook it and shook it. Shite fucking everywhere. Stoma poo isn't solid and it stinks and is generally fucking gross. Especially when it's splattered on your cream walls, the ceiling, the light fittings, the sofa cushions, the cream rug, the cream curtains and even the fucking net curtains.

It took 2 hours, about 4 bottles of zoflora and 2 baths for ddog who was also plastered in shit for the house to smell vaguely OK.

She also ate one of the lads wages (£300 in £20 notes), numerous phones and phone chargers, about 23 pairs of flip flops. She fell in the lake when ds was a baby and I had to fish her out and she cried all the way home because I wouldn't let her get in ds pram because she was cold. She chased a duck and tore her carpal pad. Oh and ran off from dh and fell in the pond at the back of our old house and wouldn't move, so I had to wade in, up to my knees in vile stagnent freezing cold fucking pond (it was January and snowing) to rescue her.

She's a proper, full weight knobhead.