DP does not want dog - coping tips please?

[StrawberryP]

Hi everyone, gave myself a new account-name for this topic just in case.

I'm not totally sure if I should be posting in this topic, so apologies in advance if I've done it wrong.

I wanted to know if anyone has any tips on how to cope with one person in a relationship wanting to adopt a dog, and the other does not. I know this is probably a common story. I have accepted that my DP does not want any pets, but I am still struggling with the idea.

I love my DP so much and we have been together since A-Levels (now mid-thirties), but the idea of keeping pets never came up really because we were always in rented property, and always expected to be. Suddenly, we were given an opportunity to put a deposit on a house of our own (inheritance on his side) and now we can make our own rules!!! I thought of pets immediately. I would love a dog very much and have wanted a dog since childhood but, because of rent and so on, I never honestly entertained the idea beyond childhood so we never discussed it. A dog was the first thing I thought of when we moved here just over a year ago. But my DP said flat-out no. I accepted this but as I said, I am struggling with it somewhat.

(For anyone wondering: he loves dogs actually, but does not want to have any attachments or responsibilities). I respect that bringing a dog into our relationship would not be okay for him. But argh :(

For background: I'm autistic, and while I have friends and I do like people, people do give me a lot of anxiety and I do bond better with animals (not uncommon for autistics) – the idea of having to live animal-less makes me feel quite lonely, really. I appreciate my friends and my DP of course but I am sad, nonetheless. I just love the structure that pets do give me, and I love looking after animals so much (we have temporarily cared for friends' pets before).

It gets appalling when my PMT rolls around, I just cry and cry especially if I see someone walking their dog in the park :( Silly hormones!!!!

If anyone has any coping tips I would be grateful. I am quite good at distracting myself with other things but it can only go so far, you know. I am hoping it will settle with age, but it's been over a year now (of the "possibility" - I'm discounting childhood wishes here, etc.) and there has not been much change yet.

thank you for reading. I hope you are having a nice day today :)

I love dogs. We could never have a dog as kids, as we moved a lot and my parents worked full time. But once I was settled and had a job with dog friendly hours. I rescued my first dog.

DP does not like dogs. He's actually quite afraid of them. When we met, I had an elderly protective dog reactive blind and deaf Staffy. They were never friends. But they learned to tolerate each other.

We lost her earlier this year, and have been a dogless household for a while. It sucks 😭

Hi OP

I actually was wondering what hazard was suggesting, some kind of assistance dog.

I think there is more to this than you just wanting a dog, I think you somehow know In yourself that a dog could enrich your life in ways unimaginable to a NT person. So I think your DH Is being less than kind to just outright refuse to consider it.

I don’t know what to suggest, I don’t like dogs very much, and I REALLY wouldn’t want to own one, but I really couldn’t imagine saying no if my partner was in your position, amd would benefit so much from having one. It just seems so sad.

OP I am in a very similar position to you and have almost posted threads like this before but wasn't sure how to explain how I feel - you've expressed it really well. It's almost like a form of grief for something you can't/won't have. DH is like yours - never had pets growing up and not really an animal person. I would love a household pet (cat or dog) for the benefits it brings to a family - companionship, wellbeing, and the for the kids to learn how to care for a pet.

I think a cat would be perfect for us but DH is not even entertaining the idea. I grew up with cats and as a PP has suggested, they can be lovely household pets, with most of the benefits of owning a dog but less of a tie or a time commitment, and cleaner too IMHO! But there's just no way - each time I've brought it up he's shot it down.

He has indicated that IF we were ever to have a household pet, he'd consider a dog..but sometimes I doubt if he's genuine as, anytime it's discussed (very infrequently by the way!) there's always the 'But we can't get one now because...' I think we are in a pretty good situation to begin to consider it so I wonder if he will just keep using excuses because, deep down, he doesn't really want it to happen - if he really did want it, he'd look for solutions not excuses.

In my heart of hearts I'm a cat person and it breaks my heart a bit to think that I might never have one. 'Just bringing one home' - as others have suggested to you and me! - isn't an option and the resulting resentment wouldn't be good for me, DH, our DDs or the cat.

So it seems our only possible route to a pet is to wait until DH is ready to consider a dog...which may or may not happen. I think about it often, planning out how it might work, what kind of breed would be best, possible rescues to check and I really, really want to discuss and plan it with DH but most of the time when I do bring it up it's awkward and seems like I'm putting pressure on him which makes him back off and it feels a bit like a taboo subject which I really don't want.

So OP I feel your pain...and I don't really have any answers I'm afraid. Using MN as an outlet is useful and I've definitely needed to vent here a few times - stuff I can't say to DH, so keep chatting about it if it helps

If he doesn't want a dog and you love him you need to respect his wishes on this. A dog is a family member.