DP does not want dog - coping tips please?

[StrawberryP]

Hi everyone, gave myself a new account-name for this topic just in case.

I'm not totally sure if I should be posting in this topic, so apologies in advance if I've done it wrong.

I wanted to know if anyone has any tips on how to cope with one person in a relationship wanting to adopt a dog, and the other does not. I know this is probably a common story. I have accepted that my DP does not want any pets, but I am still struggling with the idea.

I love my DP so much and we have been together since A-Levels (now mid-thirties), but the idea of keeping pets never came up really because we were always in rented property, and always expected to be. Suddenly, we were given an opportunity to put a deposit on a house of our own (inheritance on his side) and now we can make our own rules!!! I thought of pets immediately. I would love a dog very much and have wanted a dog since childhood but, because of rent and so on, I never honestly entertained the idea beyond childhood so we never discussed it. A dog was the first thing I thought of when we moved here just over a year ago. But my DP said flat-out no. I accepted this but as I said, I am struggling with it somewhat.

(For anyone wondering: he loves dogs actually, but does not want to have any attachments or responsibilities). I respect that bringing a dog into our relationship would not be okay for him. But argh :(

For background: I'm autistic, and while I have friends and I do like people, people do give me a lot of anxiety and I do bond better with animals (not uncommon for autistics) – the idea of having to live animal-less makes me feel quite lonely, really. I appreciate my friends and my DP of course but I am sad, nonetheless. I just love the structure that pets do give me, and I love looking after animals so much (we have temporarily cared for friends' pets before).

It gets appalling when my PMT rolls around, I just cry and cry especially if I see someone walking their dog in the park :( Silly hormones!!!!

If anyone has any coping tips I would be grateful. I am quite good at distracting myself with other things but it can only go so far, you know. I am hoping it will settle with age, but it's been over a year now (of the "possibility" - I'm discounting childhood wishes here, etc.) and there has not been much change yet.

thank you for reading. I hope you are having a nice day today :)

Hello Loopytiles - I know he does not want a dog. I do not think he is unreasonable. Sorry, if I have not been clear. I was posting for ideas on how to move on - and received some, which is great! We joint-own the house, he does not own it.

Hello Wolfiefan - Ohh, I did not realise they did not show all cases on the website!! That's good news, I will actually go ahead and register. Every time I checked the "needed in your area" spots were at least a 40min drive away, which was unfortunate! Great - thank you for your advice!

Would he be open to getting a different small pet. Rabbit/Hamster that sort of thing? That would give you an animal to bond with but not quite as hard work as a dog. He might after that be more open to a dog.

Hello 3stonedown - I did try asking this this when we lived in rented (very naughty, I know! But assumed hamsters made a little less noise than dogs, lol!) but it was a No then, and I did not push it because I think that truly, it was a whim on my behalf. I've been hoping my dog-wants will turn out to be a whim, too, but it's not receeded yet, bah. I will pursue angles such as CinnamonTrust and hope something can work out for me/client that way... I just need some good luck!!!

OP I was where you are about 7 years ago, right down to the PMT sobbing about not having a dog, I can still remember one evening of howling at DH with tears running down my face 'But I just really really want a dog'. At the time he was adamant no way. I'd worked out a plan for daycare, walking etc, I'd worked out what to cut back on financially to afford it, all sorts of things. But NO.

But 7 years on and our life has changed a lot. We've done a lot of travelling together, we've moved around a lot, we've both changed what we do for work. And about 18 months ago DH suggested we get a dog. And we did. And he and Ddog are the absolute best of friends, she loves him more than she loves me, they have a really beautiful bond. He loves taking her out on adventures, he buys her toys and treats and worries about her like I do. I never thought he would 'give in' or if he did he'd be quite disengaged from it, but people do change and situations change, and he felt ready for it, and for the change in lifestyle it brings (And believe me with an anxious reactive rescue dog who is not good around other dogs, doesn't like to be left alone and is scared of strangers it has brought a huge change in lifestyle for us, in the first year we had 1 night out together, and we've gone from having 3 or 4 trips abroad each year to UK holidays only so we can take her with us). I think if I'd 'persuaded' him 7 years ago the outcome would have been very different as it really wasn't something he wanted at that time and it probably would have ended in disaster.

I think what I'm saying is this might not be forever. He obviously likes your life as it is and the freedom you have, and isn't willing to give it up yet. That may change.

Our local rescues are desperate for walkers, and I know guide dogs often look for homes for puppies in training, where you drop them off to 'work' in the morning and pick them up at home time. I wonder whether that might work as you would know from the start there was absolutely no chance of you keeping them (unlike fostering where I think I'd end up wanting to keep them all!). I really feel for you, it's a horrible desperately sad feeling and for me it didn't go away until we got Ddog. I hope you can find some solution to it

Reading your replies I seems to me there is a bigger problem here. He does not want a dog - well, okay, they are a terrific commitment, but he also doesn't want children? Are you happy to spend the rest of your life doing only what he wants you to do/not to do? I think you need to ask yourself this. I can think of nothing worse than spending my entire life kowtowing to somebody else's wishes. It's your life, no one can tell you how to live it. It's what you actually do about it that matters.

Doggy day care and home dog boarding is very much a thing nowadays. I know the rules are changing in our area, not sure whether it is a national thing, but people offering these services are going to be restricted by how many dogs they can have staying as they need to be able to offer separate rooms for each dog. So in my area a number of people are going to have stop offering or restrict these services as they don't have enough space to comply, as they were looking after numerous dogs.
So I assume there will now be a window of opportunity for more people to offer 1 to 1 doggy day care/boarding. For someone's single income this probably would not make economic sense, but if you work from home, it might be an option.
If you offer it as a business you will need a licence and insurance, but it might be a way of helping you doggy fix, and may show your DH the benefits, especially to you, about having a dog in your life.

ineed makes a good point. We eventually found someone to look after ours through dogbuddy.com so you could register with them as offering boarding and do as much or as little as your OH is comfortable with.

You say he doesn't want children either OP - what about you?

Hello Licketysplits - thank you so much for your sympathy and your story! I wonder if he may come around one day, but I would want it to be on his terms. I do daydream a lot about him turning around and saying "YES, LET US GET A DOG!" Maybe... maybe! We have had a LOT of disruption in our lives over the past decade. Perhaps things will settle down and he might feel a bit better. I don't know though, I don't wish to expect anything of him.

I actually did mention specifically doing rescue center volunteer work to him - I had to, as our centres are too far for me to get to without a car so we would need to go together (something like CinnamonTrust, if close enough, I could manage myself) - and at first he was not up for it, because he thought it would upset me having to leave them again, or be upset they did not have homes (and I don't think this is unreasonable on his behalf, hahaha) but I think, if I pick a good menstrual time (hah!!) I think I could manage it, and perhaps if I just do my best to think positively that the dogs WILL get homes, I could manage better!!

Hello Lucisky - oh dear, I worry I have portrayed this very negatively. No, I really want to underline that we have made sacrifices and compromises for each other in equal measures at all stages of our relationship. We are really, really good at getting things to work out. I think this is why I am a bit lost on this situation, because it's been impossible to compromise on in a way that suits both of us, so far. (Oh, with regards to children - I don't think I could be a suitable mother, so I am not worried about this. I don't have a huge desire for children, and I have friends' children and my nieces and nephews to play with! And I am a great Aunty, I'm super active and love parks and so on so I am reeeeally popular with said children, hahaha! I do not lack for lovely children in my life :) Please do not worry.)

Hello ineedaholidaynow - oh! Fantastic advice, thank you!!! I am enjoying how many new avenues this topic has been giving me!!! :)

Hello Nocureforlove - I replied a bit about this to Lucisky! I hope that answers your query! Don't worry! :)

If your DP loves dogs, he would probably grow to love your dog. It's not the same as forcing someone who finds them generally unpleasant.

I think you need to try to talk to him again about this.

Have you worked out in your head all the practicalities? How would it restrict your lifestyle, and if it would, how would you address that?

I think if you can offer a reasoned argument, as well as a burning desire, and you can show you understand all the pitfalls and negatives, then it would be unfair of your DP to say a blanket 'no' in all circumstances.

Just saying he isn't "invested" in it is not enough. You are "invested" in it, so what if he didn't need to be "invested" in it - if he never had to do the walks or the poop scooping, if he never had to arrange the holiday care and doggy daycare, if he never had to groom or feed or train? What are his real objections then?

Downsides to having a dog:

Potential mess & smell (you agree to a cleaner and to regular bathing/grooming)

Restricts movements/spontaneity (research dog care in your area and talk with friends)

Money (you agree to pay for its expenses? Factor in insurance, regular worming and flea treatment, innoculations etc., toys & 'stuff' - beds, leads, collars - food, treats, holiday care)

Thos are the main downsides. So if you can present a well-thought-out plan to combat them, I think it would be unfair of your partner to refuse on the basis that HE is not "invested".

DH was always adamant he didn’t want dogs as his ex gf had 2 and left all the care and walking to him.

I actually ended up bringing home a chihuahua puppy one day (I was hypomanic and I do NOT suggest this) and we’ve now had her for nearly four years. In that time I have proved that she is my responsibility, he has never had to walk her (unless we’re together) or pick up poo, feed her. He loves her though and plays with her and snuggles her. I arrange kennels/sitters as needed, basically he doesn’t even have to think about her.

I’ve spent two years saying I would really really love a second dog. I’ve Ladd it clear that again, it will be my responsibility and he only gets the good bits . We are picking up our new Labrador puppy next weekend...

What is his objection? If he hates dogs then it might be a no go but if he just doesn’t want the commitment then maybe try and prove to him that it would be on you. Maybe get up at 6am and go for an hour’s walk, and again in the evening, in any weather. Put money aside for food and insurance, toys and accessories to show you can. Start hoovering twice a day and keeping plates and socks and stuff off the floor and side tables. Make it clear the only impact on his life will be sharing the house with a dog.

Good luck! Dogs are amazing.

Do register! I didn't know either but the dog I walked never made it on there. They are the most urgent cases.

Hello Nosquirrels - Ohhh, I spent many enjoyable hours imagining and planning out how I'd do all the things!! Actually, it was very enjoyable to me. If there's one thing I can do, it's plan ;) His argument is not particularly reasoned, it is feelings-based, and I have accepted that. I am autistic and he is not, so I get that there are basic differences between us as people that I simply need to accept. He simply does not want another "big" creature in the house. (You know, or a small one, really. He just doesn't want it.)

Hello YippeeKayakOtherBuckets - oh my gosh, I love your username, haha! My DP loves dogs. He loves playing with dogs. He loves playing with and fussing next door's cat. He does not like "looking after" (i.e., the "work" aspect) of pets and has made this clear. This is the difference between us - I find looking after things (plants, people, animals) very enjoyable and rewarding and he does not get the same joy. It's just where we differ. I would not expect him to be doing any of the "work" with any pet we owned, and so, really, logically, his objections actually do not make sense. However: he has strong feelings, that he does not want anything in the house "to be looked after", and I need to respect the feelings side of things, because it's horrible to have your feelings ignored, even if they don't follow 100% a logical pattern! Believe me, I am not logical all the time either, haha!

I'm registering properly with CinnamonTrust on my lunch-break in a a minute! Wish me luck!! There may even be a situation waiting for me right now that I have not seen due to lack of registration!!! :)

Oh, no... I just thought of something.......... because of this "care" aspect that he is not invested in, I wonder if the problem is actually me? Because of my autism, I wonder if he finds me too stressful to live with to consider living with anything else on top of that... Oh gosh, I hope this is not the problem, that would make me too sad......

We just have a basic relationship, he is not registered as my carer or anything.

I am worried now that the "real" reason he doesn't want anything else is that I am too much already... oh gosh... :(

These was someone on a thread here last week desperate for a temporary home for their dog whilst they sorted out some personal probs , can you find that one and maybe help ?

Oh Strawberry, do talk to him again about it. I'm sure it's not you!

I think negotiating "feelings" based reasoning must be hard if you are autistic yourself, as you cannot understand it necessarily from his point of view so you are actually (in my opinion) being too considerate of that as a point of view ... I think if he loves dogs, you'll do all the care and it's just a preference of his, then his feelings shouldn't necessarily trump yours.

Anyway, hope the Cinnamon Trust works out. You could also flyer/leaflet your neighbourhood/street perhaps with a well-worded letter about your situation and how you'd love to dogsit from home for anyone who needed it during the day, ideally a regular long-term commitment?

Hope the cinnamon trusts works OP.

I disagree with the posters though saying if you do all the work then your DP feelings don't trump yours. A dog is very restrictive and you have to consider it with everything you do. No wandering around shops for several hours after work. Spontaneous things aren't really that anymore as you have to think about whether something is too long to leave the dog. Costs go up with food, insurance, vets, boarding etc. If the OPs DP was ambivalent then maybe but he is against it so bringing an dog unwanted by one party into the household could wreck that relationship.

How would you feel if you were still renting?

Its seems a bit unfair to me, that he has provided the means to buy rather than rent, and his reward is that you now want a dog. Even if you don't raise the subject, i would expect he knows how you feel about it. How would you feel if you went back to renting, so that the 'fault' would be the landlords?

Would you still be having crying fits? Did you have this reaction when you were renting? Did you ever talk a out it then?

BiteyShark and NoSquirrels - thank you for your best wishes with CP! I am crossing my fingers :) And the vets, too, I shall try that!

Hello FinallyHere - I feel your queries are rhetorical :) I don't think I need to disclose my entire financial history, but together with my own savings, his inheritance meant we could make a deposit. We own everything jointly and our finances are equally joint. I don't particularly appreciate the insinuation that I am somehow punishing him ("fault") by having my own feelings. That said, obviously I feel badly about the situation, which is why I am trying to tackle it without involving him particularly, whilst addressing my own desires. Would it be better if I just moaned to him all the time...? Hence, this topic, with which I have been given some great suggestions.

Thank you to all who replied with your own stories and also suggestions! Maybe it will take a while, but I hope I can help someone out, either through CT or other means! :)

Oops, lol... "CP"... I do mean "CT"... no idea what "CinnamonPrust" is, lmao...

OP you sound lovely! I have two dogs and would love to have a friend who would enjoy dog sitting. My two are somewhat high maintenance due to size and one being mega old and all my friends are cat people.

I do secretly hope your DP comes round one day and i think your being very good not to badger him.

BUT....

How autistic are you if you don't mind me asking? Does it impact you everyday?
Would a dog trained for assisting Austistic people be hugely beneficial for you? The waiting lists are really long i think. I know it's still a dog and DP said no but this is an assistant dog who could enrich your life (and therefore his) in a way a ordinary dog couldn't.

Just putting it out there...

Could maybe leave a leaflet lying around.

(I'm sorry your being so good about this and I'm encouraging you the other way!)

Hello Hazardswan - ahh I love big dogs! (Big animals, really - grew up in the country and am very accustomed to large creatures, haha!) No, I do not mind you asking. I do not think I'd qualify for an assistant dog at this point in life - I used to have to be on DLA & was very limited in what I could achieve when I was younger but now I work from home, so I think I would be considered too independent! My meltdowns are so much reduced these days, hooray! Nobody likes a meltdown! :) Thank you for the thought, though!

I was in the same position as you. I have just got my very first dog in my Late 60s. I did understand all the arguments my DH had for not wanting a dog, but it was very hard.

Now that she is here, we both love her to bits. But it is much clearer now why both people have to be on board. It is a total disruption to the home. We had to lose our cleaner, because of the dogs reaction. We spent a lot on a behaviourist and it took several months for him to feel confident walking her. My DH is quite tidy and she does make a mess.

If you can convince him, then I would look at a small breed who doe ps not impact so much on the home. I hope you do not have to wait as long as I did. She has totally changed my life for the better but I do not think this would have been the case if my DH was not fully in agreeement before we got her. I could not imagine battling his issues as well as the dogs.