Twatty things your dogs do

[NoFucksImAQueen]

On the way to wash the dogs earlier me and ds1 who is 6 were making up how a verbal fight would go between the dogs and having a giggle about it. We decided it would probably go like this.

Freya “you’re a blind chewing window licker!”

Shadow “ you’re a rubbish raiding garbage eater”

F “you’re scared of you’re own shadow!”

S “not I’m not! Stop shouting you’re scaring me 😱. Well... well...you’re bolshy and aggressive”

F. “ well you eat poo!”

S “hey we both do that!”

F "yeah true"

Tell me what twatty things your dogs do

My dogs have the same conversation every day...

Ddg3 - stop barking FFS everyone's looking at us

Ddog4 - but I'm SO EXCITED we're going for a WALK!!! It's SO EXCITING!!!

ddog3 - we go for a walk every day you moron

Ddog4 - but it's just SO EXCITING I can't help myself!!! Squirrels!!!

Ddog3 we see squirrels everyday, you'll never get one...

Eats her own shit, licks her arse on the sofa leaving a big wet patch, rolls in fox/goose/ badger shit, finds stringy rabbit corpses in the bushes and shows them to unsuspecting ramblers and small children steals the furry cushion from the armchair and shakes it around the living room. She's a dick but I love her.

Bubble, I have those conversations with my girl
Ok, it’s a bird, they fly away, no point...
Ok, it’s a squirrel, it’s up a tree, pointless but fun
OMG, it’s a deer...fumbling whistle in mouth, cheese out of pocket, squeaky ball as back up,preparing to lassoe with lead...

My dog just loves to bark - I literally think he spends all day listening for anything to bark at, but is completely deaf as a post when you tell him it’s time for toilet and bed at the end of the night.

Ddog1 is a 14 yr old Goldie, thick as mince but gorgeous, now deaf as a post & I suspect going senile. Looks at me with that head tilt they do
"wha'we doin mama, is it walk time, is it food time , no ? OKay then" ...flumps down on floor just where you want to go.

Ddog 8 also a Goldie but marginally brighter- slightest noise outside or someone at the door he thows his head back & howls. He also thinks he's a poodle & will just climb up on my lap uninvited which as he weighs 32 kg & has pointy elbows is not very comfortable. When I eventually push him off he curls up tight next to me. Often with his head between me & the cushions where he snores. Not had him long but the training has been a challenge as previous owners were soft with him.

My old fella goes bananas if he sees a squirrel in the garden and starts scrabbling at the French windows like a mad thing. He also has to have at least four run-ups before jumping on the sofa - not an age thing, he's been like that all his life.

Mine eats knickers. She opens the door to the downstairs loo and steals them out of the wash and hides them under the dining room table where she eats the crotch out of them. 😬.
The other one is just such a dimwit. He barks at everything. He is so excited about life. And he pees if you look at him or stroke him. And he gets on your lap and puts his face >< this close to you and then sneezes.

Barks at horses on the telly. Not even the Lloyds advert is safe. Barks at most dogs on the telly even if they make no noise. Can’t watch Supervet, hells no. Doesn’t like that bank advert with the whistling (it’s a cartoon style), think it’s TSB, barks before the opening bar is finished. Licks the air constantly. Farts. Insists on sitting as high as possible which in basically on my hip if I’m lying on my side. Refuses to go out for a pee. Stamps her feet at the bowl till you change her water.

The other one shits on the kitchen floor and pisses on my white goods if he’s annoyed at me. Steals the other ones food, steals my food. Burps in my face. Lies there grumbling at nothing. Farts also. Barks at birds. Eats without chewing then barfs (always on carpet never on tiles). Barges in to the bathroom and stands there staring at me in the shower.

But my god i fucking love em

Obviously light hearted and are spoilt bloody rotten

Mine drinks out of the bath when I am in it and occasionally tries to get in with me ( Labrador). Happily has a shower with DS. Drinks out of the loo although I’ve never caught she leaves forensic evidence.
Frequently shuts herself in the downstairs loo, whines pitifully to let us know.
Has no idea that she is supposed to bark when someone knocks on the door, just stands wagging her tail waiting to greet them. She does like to bark at anyone and everyone when left in the car but I suspect she is just trying to let them know that she has been abandoned for ten minutes and desperately needs rescuing.
Races up to every dog we meet, then flips over at their feet. Very confident dog but totally submissive. She wants to be everyone’s friend. Tried to expose her to all types of dog as a pup but due to her extreme submissive nature even the most aggressive warmed to her. Her recall is good now though so at least I can stop her covering half a field just to say hello.

Love my dog to bits but wish he would stop picking the cat’s poo out of the litter tray. Ugh!

DDog1 is going a bit senile and deaf, so she frequently forgets I'm home and becomes very excited when she spots me. DH often narrates for her
Typical situation is - ddog1 cuddled on my lap. I move her a little and nip for a wee. She wanders out for some biscuits. I come back down and she comes back into the room>
"OH MY GOD YOU'RE BACK!" "where have you been? I thought you'd abandoned me but it's ok because you're here. Ok, I'm launching on to your lap so you can't leave. This is nice. Now I'm sleepy. Snore Snore..."
Then I go into a different room, or she does, we come back to the same room and the cycle starts again.

DDOG2 on the other hand... He is 'spirited.' Well trained in general but is obsessed with food, treats it as though he's never been fed before. He hides biscuits in various spots around the house, will sometimes 'rescue' pots from the recycling if there is a tiny lick of food left on them and today presented me proudly with an apple. No idea where he got it from but he happily carried it around for 10 minutes before attempting to bury it in his bed.
He has also perfected what we call his 'I would never do that' face. If you catch him doing something naughty (scavenging or begging for food, hiding something he shouldn't have -normally food or socks, or once just positioning himself to poo in the house) he will walk 2 or 3 steps away from said naughtiness, sit down, wag his tail and look straight into your eyes. I am convinced he is aware of his cuteness and is using it to get away with things.

Both drive me mad but wouldn't be without them.

Mine likes to celebrate me arriving home by reclining in my lap and licking his penis. He also chews my bras. And my shoes. And he's currently lying on the sofa next to me and has just kicked me in the ribs with both back legs.

Mine insists he’s a lap dog, yet he’s a great big heavy staffy 🙄 he also snores like a wart hog and farts like a pig love him to pieces though, the great oaf.

I love this thread, both my nutters are on their beds waiting for me to stop snorting with laughter & go to bed, I am getting SUCH black looks 😃💜

I wanted to shit in peace. I went to the loo, shut the door behind me (there is no lock) and made a start.

Next thing I know PestDog has pushed open the door and is scrambling onto my lap for cuddles Perhaps this is revenge for the fact that I always give him an audience when he's shitting

Ddog3 has been known to eat Ddog2's poop ...sometimes before it's finished leaving his bum

Does the 'wet dog shake' about 250 (no exaggeration) times a day. Drives. Me. NUTS.

Dog 2 goes down any possible rabbit hole she can find and gets stuck. Has to be dug out. Consequently always on long lead. So gets cross.

Dog 1 refuses to go out if it's raining, too cold, or too hot. barks like a bastard at anything.

Dogs 1 and 2 bark at the TV and try and launch themselves through the screen when any sort of animal or Ross Poldark for some reason, appears on screen.

Dog 1 cowers into the hedge if he sees a real animal (and probably would if he saw Ross poldark for real) approaching.

Dogs 1 and 2 chew any unattended shoes or slippers. Ditto biros, plastic bags, rubbish from bins.

Dog 2 goes for a long walk. Does lots of poops on said walk. Gets in house.Does another poop immediately. Why??

Dogs 1 and 2 wrestle. All the live long day. except when they are asleep.

I love the little blighters though.

Assamtea - I have a poo eater too 😡 any poo....my other dogs,cats,Fox,sheep,rabbit,his own. He's a sausage dog,and loving the fact that now he has grown a bit,he is long enough to reach round and eat his own before it touches the floor 🙈

Pup2 yeah but she loves me more
Pup1 don’t be daft I’m the favourite
Pup2 but she talks to me more
Pup1 that’s because you are never doing what she wants
Pup2 am too, I just do it so fast you all miss it
Pup1 Hmm, what’s this?
Pup2 OMG you fucking loon you have brought a frog into the house!! I’m telling on you! BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!
Pup1 calm down, I didn’t kill it.

I'm sat down minding my own business
DDog wanders off
DDog starts whining because he knows I'm around somewhere but can't find me
I call DDog and he comes in, happy as larry to have found me again. I have not moved

I'd like to say that this is because we live in a massive house. We do not. We live in a poky flat with a total of 5 rooms if you include the hallway. I can't put it down to age / senility, as DDog is only about a year old. DDog is actually just pretty thick sometimes.

PestDog starts trying to chase the hamsters. He knows this activity is strictly verboten and that there's a reason their cages are a metre off the floor. However, he's a terrier and sometimes instinct overwhelms reason.

So this morning he starts trying to chase them from my bed (the height gives him a better view)
"PESTDOG!"
All of a sudden he decides he wasn't actually chasing the hamsters he was stretching
He's been kicked out of the room (2 minute timeout) so often for attempted offences against innocent small furries that half the time he starts and by the time I've started to utter his name he's slinking out of the room to await his punishment. Oddly enough, he's not allowed in that room unsupervised as he just can't help himself.

My dog is constantly surprised by her tail. You'd think someone stuck it on her during the night. Every night. She also can't drink from her water bowl properly without first sticking her paws in and flicking the water everywhere. She also thinks she's the size of a mouse (she's a lab) and sits on your knee with no concept of how massive she is. She is the thickest dog ever but I love her so much.

DD2: OH MY GOD IT’S MORNING!

DD2: Shut the fuck up

DD2: OH MY GOD, THERE’S A BIRD!

DD1: Shut the fuck up

DD2: OH MY GOD IT’S POSTMAN!

DD1: Shut the fuck up

DD2: MUM I NEED A CUDDLE

DD1: Get the fuck of my Mum

DD2: I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU

DD1: Get the fuck away from me

And repeat. Ad nauseum.

We don't have a dog, but one from my childhood dog:

"Yum yum, wasp!" "Why does my mouth hurt so much? And why are my cheeks all swollen?"

And from the dogs we had when I was 20:

DDog1 farts.

DDog2 gets up, walks out, looks over his shoulder from the doorway: "How could you? That was disgusting! " and walks out.