Lost my dog last week now feeling unable to cope - scared

[BurningBridges]

Hi everyone, I know there are a few of us on here who have lost dogs recently - in some ways this is not a post for the doghouse but in others its the only place I could post. I am truly scared of the grief I am going through and I wonder if its not just grief. I'm in my 50s, 2 DDs, H and I bit up and down to say the least but he's been very supportive. My life hasn't been without loss - mum died when I was 13, best friend died last year, others in-between, but my dog dying has hit me like nothing ever before.

Just to recap, my dog was only just 5 and had on/off diahorrea for months, literally he'd have to poo every hour throughout the night sometimes, other times it was just now and again. So after trying some drugs and allergy tests, the vet assured us that an exploratory operation - an FTB - full thickness biopsy - was best. We held off for weeks and weeks thinking it was too risky, we found research on the internet saying as much, but also lots of vets saying it was a gold standard for diagnosis. Anyway, he had it done on 11 Feb, he was seriously ill afterwards, developed necrotising pancreatitis, his life hung in the balance for a week or so then he pulled through. He came home having to live on formula food and a cocktail of drugs - initially we both did well with the regime, then after about 10 days he stopped eating and then it all went down hill. I can't write any more aside from to say the vet wanted to try lots of other things but I knew my dog had had enough. There is some inference from the vet that he was PTS as we gave up on the dog - I was certainly crap with giving the tablets and feeding the formula - but I feel very ambiguous about the vet now, he seemed to change his opinion several times a day. We also owe the vet nearly £2k which we don't have and when I spoke to the surgery last week they were really off with me.

I think the way in which my boy died, the uncertainty and the awful experience he went through first, have all contributed but now I feel utterly unable to cope (I do have a cold and am taking a/bios for UTI as but not sure how much I can blame that). I'm experiencing grinding panic attacks when I feel my head will explode, I can't sleep, in fact being in our bedroom where I used to snuggle with our dog makes me worse. I am sick and dizzy all the time, even looking down to type this is triggering it. I am struggling not to cry, and when I do break down that doesn't "relieve" it - if anything its worse. There is no respite from this exhausting round of fear and crap. Immediately after he died I was in a state but not like this, this seems to have built up over the last week. A couple of people have said to me its like losing a child, I am not completely without sense or insight and I know full well that's not true, but it does seem to be a bereavement all of its own and that's why I am posting here rather than in mental health. I think I need to see GP, but in the meantime would anyone be willing to share their experience? I assume mine is not the "norm"?

BTW If I hadn't had mumsnet whilst all this was going on, I don't know how I would have coped.

I doubt it's like losing a child, I don't know for sure as thankfully I've never had to compare that.

It is a bereavement though - absolutely. My dogs (that makes it sound like I have multiples, I only have one at a time) are family members, best friends, constant companions...and I spend more time with the dog than with my DC, dogs don't go to school or play with their friends, lol.

It always knocks me for 6 when they die and yours died in pretty horrible, sudden circumstances. My last one was 13, had cancer and we knew it was coming, he had a nice pain free illness and a peaceful death...and it still took me a good month before I was on an even keel again.

Go to the GP if it will be helpful, but do allow yourself to grieve, it isn't something you shouldn't be upset by...

I lost my dog this week too. He was an old man of 12 and really was in a bad way, banging into furniture, falling over and having fits. I got the impression that the vet would have liked to intervene with treatment of some sort but as a family we wanted to let him go to sleep, to end his suffering in the kindest possible way. I am a single parent of two teenage children, so I spent a lot of time with our dog as the kids are busy or in their rooms. It's tough losing him, we've been through so much and at times the silence and loneliness now is overwhelming. I'm not sleeping well, my mind keeps going over his last couple of days and I feel the tiredness makes everything worse. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope with time things get easier.

I'm sorry your vet was not more supportive as I'm sure that helps a lot . Ive had to have horses PTS and I'm sure that the support of my vet ( whom I've known for over 30years ) helped me assuage the 'guilt' that I felt about letting them down . I would go to the GP and see if they can help you . I do think that it's the way your dogs illness progressed that has probably made this worse . When you feel up to it I would try and speak to the vet about a payment plan for paying back the money ( or get your husband to do it) at least that way you know where you are IYSWIM.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing you describe sounds "like the norm". You have lost a much loved pet in a dreadful way.
You sound like you are reacting to the traumatic events prior to the loss. When you are dealing with illness you have to cope and be practical. Now you have lost your dog you are reacting to the loss but also all the horrid stuff that happened before.
Can you go away for a bit? Get out of the house? Find any distraction?

So sorry for your loss Burning, you've been through an awful time, not just the loss of a young dog that you though you would have with you for so much longer but the stress of the awful illness leading up to his death.

I imagine you're worrying about meeting the vet's bill as well and as pp said it would be a good idea to talk to them and set up a payment plan. They may be a bit off and unsupportive but if you can't pay their bill in one lump sum they'll have to accept you'll pay it how you can.

Do go to your GP. I know everyone is different but you are clearly feeling a great deal worse than is usual for most people when a pet dies.

There are a number of organisations for people who are experiencing pet bereavement: Association for Pet Loss and bereavement is one. If you google APLB they have a website where you can post and 'talk' to others who have lost pets. And I know Blue Cross also have a website for the same purpose.

Take time to grieve and be kind to yourself.

Wish you well.

Thanks everyone. I was worried about revealing what my friends had said about a dog being like a child, its not what i think at all, (I think they were only trying to help albeit clumsily). I'm just shocked by the intensity of it all, as I say my mum died when I was a child and my best friend died last year and I didn't feel such a sense of horror and fear, so assume these must be actual panic attacks.

Although its not an answer, I've been looking at the tablets I'm on for various things and one of them - new antibiotics - seems unusual, not tried it before, the side effects are listed as severe mood changes, headache and dizziness. I do want to grieve for my dog but not to the point where I lose the plot, my DDs are scared by my sobbing and rocking etc., (having a lucid moment here so can describe honestly). Anyway I will have to go to GP Monday and get some advice - have stopped tablets in meantime.

pigs I will have a look at the websites thank you. I feel the vet bill may have triggered the extreme feelings yesterday, but as for paying it, that'll be another thread.

Appreciate all the support.

I lost my 14 month old labrador early last year in a car accident and I don't think that I was really sane for a couple of months after. I have had other dogs pts and have been sad but the grief from losing my pup was quite overwhelming. It helped tremendously to talk to other people who also had pets and especially my neighbour. I used to go and rock and wail in her kitchen while her three Labradors climbed all over me trying to console me. Eventually it does get better but I was really shocked by how much I grieved for my lovely dog. It made me realise how losing a dog in the prime of its life leaves a much larger physical hole in your existence. Your grief is normal and I think that it shows how much you loved your dog. The pup was with my grown up son at the time of the accident and people would keep telling me that at least he was not injured as if that was some compensation but it really didn't help and I also had to deal with his grief and guilt. I now have a lovely lab puppy but he is not my funny velcro dog that I still miss. I'm sending you a big hug from my puppy!

Poor you, it sounds really rough. I've found it harder when losing dogs than losing my Dad. I think one of the reasons is that you're caring for the dog every day, probably made worse for you by the fact that you had to do so much during the preceding illness. It's early days yet (& after it happened you may have been in shock so it's worse now). Not really sure I can suggest anything - time does make you feel better, but I've always felt crap for weeks after losing a dog (even though I've always had others at home to care for). I wish you well. x

You can call the pet bereavement helpline if you need to talk to someone in person, but I agree that the GP would be a good idea. Most importantly, this is not "just a dog", it's the loss of a huge part of your family and daily life, in traumatic and exhausting circumstances. Take good care of yourself.

0800 096 6606 x

Also in my 50s and lost our 14 year old dog who was my "One" last year. Have had dogs all my life but she was absolutely the one who stole my heart,utterly, from the second we saw eachother. I'm not on any medication or anything but the grief has been overwhelming at times. I now have a pup but even so, she doesn't fill the hole the last dog left and much as I love her, I do suddenly start bawling, unexpectedly. All kinds of things set me off and it has been 6 months. But - cliche but true - time does heal. It IS starting to feel a bit better. I get this really deep, sudden pain if the only word I can think of, still, most days - but it passes. I will always love her, she will always be a part of me. Nothing can take her away from me, in that sense. I hated the way she died (she was very old with a poor circulation so the putting to sleep wasn't quick or easy and the vet also had an unfortunate manner which definitely does damage). Love to you. You must be kind to yourself, and let yourself feel all these feelings, horrible as they are - it is the only way to get through them and out the other end. xxx

I too lost my beloved boy last year . He was 8 but extremely fit and active. From first symptoms to PTS it was 5 days. What made it worse was he was in a soecialist vets for the four days preceeding his death. We visited every day, but it haunts me that he would feel we had abandoned him when he was ill.
Also the care was awful. No tlc for either my beautiful boy or us. We were given his prognosis over yhe phone in a very cold and compassionless way.
My only conciliation is we brought him home to die surrounded by his family . Even though it was a year ago last month I sometimes feel as though I sm still reeling from the shock.. It still doesn't feel quite real.
What I am trying to say in a rather clumsy eay is, the death of a loved companian be it human or animsl is terrible, and it is normal experience grief in its fullest .
My deepest condolances to you. I hope you find some comfort in thinking about the lovely times you had together

Oh you poor thing. I know that when my beloved girl goes (and she's only 7 and very fit so it's not something that will happen soon) I will be totally devastated.

I have DCs but the difference is that my dog never argues, never judges, never answers back - she just accepts me as I am. She is the one being in the whole world who loves me properly. So you are absolutely A OK to be so upset.

The fact that your dog died so young makes it so much harder. You can't comfort yourself with the usual 'long, happy life' stuff.

Fwiw, we lost our beloved dog 3.5 years ago. We have another dog that we all adore. Nonetheless, I think about our first dog a lot; every day. I surprised myself the other night when I cried buckets in bed thinking about her.

It is a bereavement. No, of course it's not the same as losing a family member or the unthinkable, losing a child. But it's still devastating and you learn to carry it with you, rather than get over it.

Be upset, it's part of the healing.

While your feelings aren't 'the norm' they aren't unrealistic either.

When my pet dog was pts, I had to leave work... Even though I hadn't lived in the family home for approx 5 years, he was 19, and didn't suffer. It took my mum ages to get over him not being in the house.

She now has another dog who is 12 and I despair of anything happening to the dog. It will for sure destroy her mental health. Dogs are part of the family. Just because they aren't human doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

Losing my first dog actually did feel like losing a sibling. I mean, I was 23 and this dog was part of my life since I was 4. And dogs are bloody good listeners. He sat with me thru all those teenage years, a couple of episodes (illness, accidents etc). I was totally devastated by his death and of course, it was his time.

I'm not being helpful, I dont think, I just wanted to say... Your feelings are valid and your love for your dog is valid xx

Amazing messages I am truly moved and thank you everyone for sharing with me. I feel … valid - does that sound right? Fwiw I think the medication didn't help but I thought I was going mad, that there was clearly something wrong in me to feel so awful, but looks like I'm in very sad, but very special company.

Aww Burning I remember you from Tiggs thread. I was touched by your post on there. We all understand how you feel. Grief can be very difficult and an absolute body blow. Please do go and have a chat to your gp. At least they might be able to recommend a course of action if nothing else. Show them what you've written here, it's very succinct.

The loss of our dog was unbearable but especially so for my dh. We lost DMil a couple of years ago but he was worse with the dog. I don't know what it is about losing a dog. You can't explain to a dog. They don't understand what's happening. You feel so helpless. At least with a person you get to say goodbye to each other, usually.

All I can say is it does get better with time. I still miss my lovely old boy dreadfully but it's not as raw now. We've actually managed to find ourselves a puppy and he'll be arriving in a few weeks. I feel very guilty at the thought of lavishing my attention on another dog but there you are, I hate being without a dog and I have a lot of time and space and love in my life for a dog. He is in no way a replacement, he is simply my next dog. I hope Barney would approve.

There are so many lovely people on here who sympathise and understand. Please do keep talking if it helps.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
A close family member's husband does suddenly some years ago and another family member bought her a dog to try and help her. She didn't want it and to be honest I thought it was a pretty stupid thing to do.
Anyway, she did love the dog and it became her companion while coping with the aftermath of her husbands death and a few other subsequent difficult times. This lady was incredibly strong and coped with a lot wit hardly a tear shed in public. However, when the dog had to be pts due to old age she totally broke down mentally in a way she hadn't when her DH died. It seemed that the dog dying had opened the floodgates on everything she had kept bottled up for 12 years - could that be the case for you?
This lady had counselling and she felt it really helped

Hopping that's a good point. I found myself crying yesterday - something else entirely upset me but before I knew it, I was crying because I missed my mum (died 40 years ago), my dad (died 2007) and my dog (died in Sept). All three. Not the other very much loved dogs, or other people loved and lost but yes, for some reason her death brought back the two worst griefs of my life.

My dog was put to sleep this weekend. He was 7 and had been very fit and well until a couple of weeks ago. His bladder needed surgery and he did not recover following the operation. We had two days of hope and visited him at the vets to take him on a walk on his final night. We had the option of a further operation for him but decided with the support of his vet that enough was enough. I am totally devastated by him not being here. I know that we did right by him and that he was cared for beautifully and compassionately by our vet. This doesn't stop me feeling sick with guilt that he spent two nights away from home and died away from his comfy bed. I've had several dogs before and know that time will help but at the moment it's awful.

It's awful isn't it? The first three weeks after we lost our lurcher were so intense, I honestly thought I was going crazy. I feared that I was depressed rather than experiencing grief. The feeling was so physical and it hurt. I kept bursting into tears randomly and if I had to talk about it I got all weepy.
But over the last week or so, the pain has lessened and I can talk about it.
I do feel very sad when I think about never seeing our beautiful girl again and have many moments of guilt.
But looking at other rescue dogs, and finally meeting the one that has now come home with us, has helped a little as it does feel right to be giving a rescue dog a home.

Joffrey and Scandinavian I am so sorry for your losses. I haven't had any extreme reactions since I stopped those tablets so I think we can assume that was 99% of the problem on that particular day, but I've been utterly miserable ever since; the vet bill arrived today and both DH and I sat and cried (not because of bill,although that is sick making) but because it brought it all back. Interesting about depression though FiveHours, my best friend died last May and come October/November I was convinced I'd have to have counselling. After christmas I felt a bit better - although this has brought it all back again.

I just feel its all so hopeless and pointless, he died after a pointless operation that we stupidly let him have, we let our beautiful dog down. I should never have trusted the vet or his advice.

The poor support you seem to have had from the vet has surely contributed to this. I am so sorry you have been through it all. The decisions should be in the dogs best interests, but also what you as the family can manage, both financially and practically, and it does sound like a truly awful and traumatic experience (saw your other threads)

I'm glad you are starting to feel better after stopping the medication. Are you going to get advice (citizens advice? Debt counselling?) about reaching an agreement about payment plans to settle the bill?

By 'this' I mean your emotional state, not the problems your poor dog had or the outcome....I am so not qualified to comment......

I can empathise with what you are going through, having recently lost my dog, and also having lost close members of my family. (in my 50s too)

I think the difference in the amount of grief you feel is dependant on the fact that those you have lost died before their time.

When my dad died - it was his time and I found I didn't grieve as much as I though I would. Ditto for my dog - he was nearly 15. they had both had a full life.

However when my Mum and my sister died I grieved a lot more as they had so much more to live for.

Re the tablets - well they can have a lot to answer for and can make the situation worse. you're obviously also run down which won't help how you feel. DD1 was put on some tablets that had horrendous side effects and had to change them twice.

For what it's worth, you did everything you could for your dog, and should not blame yourself for anything.

I hope chatting on here is helping and getting some perspective

Having a dog being ill and having to make a decision to PTS is a traumatic event for ANYONE. People also make decisions for this dog based on finances, it's not unusual - I'm sure. He sounds like he was a very poorly dog and you had been doing your best for him and you made the decision which was kindest for hi.. It's what we all do.

Be kind to yourself. It is traumatic and it is upsetting. The panic sounds like adjustment anxiety (I get it too) I'd go to your GP and explain to them what has happened and how you feel. Mine has prescribed a low dose beta blocker to curb panic attacks and refered me for CBT. If you feel panic coming on close your mouth and concentrate on breathing in and out through your nose, it really helps.

I'm sorry for your loss x x