Lost my dog last week now feeling unable to cope - scared

[BurningBridges]

Hi everyone, I know there are a few of us on here who have lost dogs recently - in some ways this is not a post for the doghouse but in others its the only place I could post. I am truly scared of the grief I am going through and I wonder if its not just grief. I'm in my 50s, 2 DDs, H and I bit up and down to say the least but he's been very supportive. My life hasn't been without loss - mum died when I was 13, best friend died last year, others in-between, but my dog dying has hit me like nothing ever before.

Just to recap, my dog was only just 5 and had on/off diahorrea for months, literally he'd have to poo every hour throughout the night sometimes, other times it was just now and again. So after trying some drugs and allergy tests, the vet assured us that an exploratory operation - an FTB - full thickness biopsy - was best. We held off for weeks and weeks thinking it was too risky, we found research on the internet saying as much, but also lots of vets saying it was a gold standard for diagnosis. Anyway, he had it done on 11 Feb, he was seriously ill afterwards, developed necrotising pancreatitis, his life hung in the balance for a week or so then he pulled through. He came home having to live on formula food and a cocktail of drugs - initially we both did well with the regime, then after about 10 days he stopped eating and then it all went down hill. I can't write any more aside from to say the vet wanted to try lots of other things but I knew my dog had had enough. There is some inference from the vet that he was PTS as we gave up on the dog - I was certainly crap with giving the tablets and feeding the formula - but I feel very ambiguous about the vet now, he seemed to change his opinion several times a day. We also owe the vet nearly £2k which we don't have and when I spoke to the surgery last week they were really off with me.

I think the way in which my boy died, the uncertainty and the awful experience he went through first, have all contributed but now I feel utterly unable to cope (I do have a cold and am taking a/bios for UTI as but not sure how much I can blame that). I'm experiencing grinding panic attacks when I feel my head will explode, I can't sleep, in fact being in our bedroom where I used to snuggle with our dog makes me worse. I am sick and dizzy all the time, even looking down to type this is triggering it. I am struggling not to cry, and when I do break down that doesn't "relieve" it - if anything its worse. There is no respite from this exhausting round of fear and crap. Immediately after he died I was in a state but not like this, this seems to have built up over the last week. A couple of people have said to me its like losing a child, I am not completely without sense or insight and I know full well that's not true, but it does seem to be a bereavement all of its own and that's why I am posting here rather than in mental health. I think I need to see GP, but in the meantime would anyone be willing to share their experience? I assume mine is not the "norm"?

BTW If I hadn't had mumsnet whilst all this was going on, I don't know how I would have coped.

Well it doesn't sound as though your vet has been particularly supportive or understanding. It does sound as though you did all you could though. Please don't beat yourself up about it. We did exactly the same thing. We kept wondering if we could have tried something else. The vet told us we could have put him on a drip and hospitalised him. However he also said that that would probably only buy him a couple of weeks at the most, he'd be stuck in the hospital and the stress alone could kill him, he was so weak. You could see in his face that he'd had enough, poor old dog.

There will always be regrets. You absolutely torture yourself with what if's and what might have been. It's human nature. Please go easy on yourself. You couldn't have done any more for your poor dog and you couldn't help him anymore. We do everything we can for them but we can't help them when they're ready to go. I know it's easier said than done but please don't torture yourself like this.

Please keep talking about it if it helps. You can pm anyone on here. We all sympathise.

After I typed that message late last night I heard DD2 (11) sobbing for her dog. She said she can only remember him when he was ill, and she was holding him with me when he was put down (she held him for 2 hours afterwards before we set off for the crematorium). I'm so sad, she had him since she was 6, he was her best friend.

Letsgo and others who have mentioned money/bill - we had no idea how much we owed so at the actual time DDog was PTS money wasn't a consideration. However, I now know that had he lived, we would have been paying something like £150 a week to keep him alive, the vet never discussed this with me and clearly as he'd had all the insurance money up to the limit he must have known. We'll be taking it all up with vet as the bill is double what we agreed initially, again I know things happen unexpectedly but its not like its just a few 100 over. I want him to make a gesture (a large one) so DH and I are going to get an appointment to see him. I know he would give us time to pay, that's not really good enough - I'd still be paying it at Christmas!

Owl thanks - I will bear that in mind. I haven't had those symptoms since, just your basic misery . I did go on the Anxiety UK website on Saturday they have a breathing exercise you do as you sit with the website open in front of you, that was really helpful. As is talking on here.

I think bobs has hit the nail on the head - all the losses I have been badly affected by were "before their time"and traumatic - my mum was in her early 50s same as me now, almost the same age as my best friend who died last May aged 56 - both had cancer - and now of course my beloved little dog. I know people my age who have never even lost a pet, maybe their grandparents died when they were very young, but they still have their parents etc all around them - seems very unfair.

(Eek -just realised that sounded like I was wishing bereavement onto my friends, that's not what I meant!)

I think we call understand what you meant. Any of us who have lost someone young will understand how isolating it is.

A week is nothing.

Grief is a funny thing, it comes and goes, sometimes you think you're fine and next thing you know you're sobbing. Yours comes on top of another bereavement. You need more time.

I have the same symptoms and beta blockers do help, so do see your GP for that.

I know what you mean. I lost my dad when I was twenty five and my mum when I was thirty. Neither of them got to meet their grandchildren. Then my lovely mother-in-law died a couple of years ago. She was a fantastic nanny to her grandchildren and we all really miss her. Then the dog died too. All cancer as well. You can reach a point where you think ffs, I have had ENOUGH!

Without sounding trite you need to find some positive things to look forward to. For us this year it's a much-awaited family holiday and the new puppy. Life goes on whether you're ready or not. I sometimes feel as though it's dragging me along and I'm not quite ready but then I give myself a good kick up the metaphorical backside and remind myself to get on with it! Cos it won't wait.

Five years ago today we were about to have our lives changed for ever, it was the day before we picked up DDog. We got him on April Fools Day 2010. We were due to get him a couple of days earlier but DH was working so he was in fact the last puppy from the litter to be picked up. He started crying as I got into the car with him and had a few rocky nights, ending up with DH having to sleep on the sofa with him, but he rallied, house trained quickly and became the centre of our lives. Its odd to say that as really we took him for granted, I only had the beginning of an idea how important he had become to us. Losing him has been the most harrowing experience of my life, and I don't think I'll ever truly get over it. One of the worst things is knowing that although I might come to terms with it, I'll still be missing him in 30 years, still be missing him if we have other dogs.

Tomorrow on what should have been our 5 years "anniversary" we'll be at the vets, arguing over what we now know to have been the most stupid decision, to allow him to have major abdominal surgery for what was on the face of it a minor illness. How careless we were with one of the most precious things we had. I can't tell you how bitter and sick we feel, the guilt and the shame we let the vet talk us into it.

I know that my grief is probably now out of all proportion. I've wanted to use the blue cross free pet bereavement service, they sound very nice, but I couldn't get more than a sentence out so no point in ringing them, writing it down like this is all I can do. Our ex-postman-turned-gardener is coming this week to sort out doing a "memorial" garden with a new tree etc for his ashes, if dogs had a sense of irony this would not be wasted on ours; he did love a bit of post and once chased this very mail man down the road.

Don't blame yourself.

You took a decision based on what you felt was best. He had health problems and that required the investigation. There is always the risk of complications.

There's no wrong here.

Allow yourself more time to grieve. It's not out of proportion. Proportion to what? You can't quantify grief.

Hugs.

You can convince yourself of anything after the event. You couldn't possible have known that this might happen. Obviously nor did the vet or you'd have had some kind of warning. You cannot continue to blame yourself. We can all say what if this and what if that. It serves absolutely no purpose other than to drive you mad. Please don't sully your last memories of him by blaming yourself. You did what you thought was best but unfortunately it got complicated. Remember him as he was. I blame myself for letting my dog go and he was eleven! And even the vet said it was time to let him go. He was about the average age but it still feels bloody unfair. It always does. I know your dog was very young and that is very unfair but if there was anything you could reasonably have done you'd have done it, surely? You didn't give up on him, there just wasn't much more you could do. I'm so sorry you're finding this so hard. Have you spoken to your doctor yet?

Thank you both. I haven't seen GP as quite a few people told me how I feel is normal, but also because none of the GPs at my practice would understand and be able to decide what to do for me. I am hoping that after this vet business is over tomorrow, I might not feel so incredibly agitated by it all, its exhausting.

I am getting counselling for my DD as we lost a relative last May and she is putting these two important deaths together and saying there is no point in life etc.,she's only 11 - I am hoping at some point I will be able to hold it together enough to ring the Blue Cross bereavement line.

Oh your poor dd. Can you email the bereavement line first and explain what it is you want to say?

I'm not sure which thread it was on but I was talking about worries about the vets bill and just wanted to update - today the vet waived all the outstanding monies. We had a long talk, with DH present as well. It does seem that the original operation shouldn't have gone ahead, but we can only say that with the benefit of hindsight.

I felt relieved about the bill of course, and sort of relieved that it had been acknowledged that the original operation wasn't the right way to go. Ultimately we have to accept some of the blame, deal with etc., but talking to the vet today did help me. It didn't help DH who is beside himself, I feel so sorry for him too. MsAdora thank you for sticking with me through all this and thanks every one for your comments, and I will use the bereavement line one way or another.

Oh bless you. You've had a terrible time of it. I'm glad to hear about the vet waiving the bill. That must be a relief at least.

It does cross my mind too that they might be feeling a teensy bit responsible for what happened, and that's why they've written off the bill. Two grand is a lot to lose.

You do sound a bit more positive. I'm sorry your dh is struggling. Mine was worse in the days leading up to it. He would just break down and sob. It was very traumatic when we did eventually lose the dog but at least we knew he wasn't suffering anymore.

It does get better, tell him. Give him a hug from us.

That's great that they waived the bill. One less thing to worry about. I would hazard a guess that your vets are feeling very responsible for what happened.
I have to admit that the cost of our girl's surgeries have contributed to the stress of our situation too.
But there was no way we could get out of paying as the surgery was the only option if we wanted her to keep her leg.

Hello FiveHours, how is new DDog today?

He is really lovely and has settled in very well. Toilet trained, off lead, calming down about cats, he's a very happy boy.

He's no replacement for our old one but we've deliberately gone for a very different kind of dog. I can tell he's going to be very much part of the family but we do feel much more balances as a two-dog family,

How really awful for you being on the end of a medical mistake. Please please try to be kind to yourself. It's not simply grieving about a loss. It was a loss because of a mistake. A dreadful, horrible accident.
When our ddog was pts I howled and howled and really I wanted to be buried with him. The sense of loss can be overwhelming. Big MN ((((((hugs))))))).