Deposit on puppy now major doubts

[jamtoast12]

Hi all

I'm at a loss really as what to do regarding the above :(

For over a year now, dh and dc have gone on and on about getting a dog and i resisted throughout, mainly because I've never had one and given I work part time and take the school hols off, I know it'll all come down to me.

Me dh and kids have a great social life, kids do after school activities most nights etc so life's pretty hectic. I only work 2 days and dh works from home 2 days so their arguments are that the dog won't be left on its own all day etc. but it will be left with me, the one who wants it the least.

Anyway a few days ago dh suggested going to at least see a puppy. Having never been to see puppies before and not realizing the set up, we made a huge mistake of taking the kids and everyone fell in love with it. There were several people viewing the same litter so I felt huge pressure to commit to a deposit. It wasn't a puppy farm but more an experienced family breeder with several pups.

I came away excited having actually really loved seeing the puppy but now I feel awful. I feel I've made a huge mistake, spur of the moment decision and the kids are so excited :(

It's all they've talked about.

We are meant to collect in just over 10 days but I'm terrified! Dh says he's only doing it for the kids and isn't actually bothered which makes things worse as I think at least one if us should be majorly committed as I've no doubt kids will tire of it easily.

I just feel so bad on dc as we have been thinking it over for a year, I took them to see a pup and they've named her and everything. Dh said he'll support me either way and just tell kids it's fallen through due to health check rather than blame me but I feel so bad. I feel like I've led them on, I really thought I'd be ok to commit but I'm so anxious about it (maybe overly so) but I find I haven't slept the past few days worrying about it.

Dh would just go for it but I really wish I'd never been to see it. I don't mind losing my deposit and I'd rather tell the breeder ASAP so they can sort another buyer but unsure what to say as just feel the bad guy all round.

Any advice? Part of me wanders if I'm just being too cautious (I do overthink things)

Totally agree, we are not talking at all!

I think he got annoyed because generally we try to do everything for the kids but there's no 'we' in this decision really, I think his reaction was bad because my eldest got really upset as he wants it the most and has done for a while. My youngest didn't really care and asked for a fish!!!

But my eldest does enjoy dogs and says hed react differently to his own dog than someone else's which may be true.

Dh has apologized but still doesn't agree with me!

How old is your oldest?

Dc are 8&6

Devil's advocate...
Didn't he say he'd support you in saying it fell through though? Instead, you told them you'd changed your mind, so he's being honest, isn't he? He wanted to get the pup for your DC and doesn't agree with you going back on it? I know it must feel hard for you, to feel unsupported but equally, your dc do deserve his support. It's them who've truly been let down. If he's displaying to them a displeasure of someone (you) reneging on your word, he's teaching them an important moral lesson, isn't he? In that generally, it's not OK to let people down.

^^ but also OP is showing them that you don't taken on responsibilities that you cannot meet (be it puppy, mortgage, child). Don't worry OP, I am sure there are lots of life lessons your children are learning through this.

I think eight is very young still - my youngest is eight and yes, loves the dog, but wouldn't want to keep taking into the garden etc as she is very mouthy and keeps chewing him. Ditto my 11 year old. My 13 year old is slightly more engaged and can influence the puppy more as he is less child-like and the puppy doesn't think of him as a toy, so is more responsive to him.

OP is showing them that you don't taken on responsibilities that you cannot meet (be it puppy, mortgage, child).

Indeed. Although the latter two are somewhat more difficult to renege upon, once agreed .

I agree, but both dh and kids have known that I didn't want a dog and I have said this for almost a year.

Dh said that I should at least go see a puppy which regrettably I did, not realizing that the set up is more about choosing than having a nose! Faced with dh and kids falling over themselves I agreed.

It was less than a week ago that I said yes, following a whole year of me saying no. So whilst i know that of course I should have said no, even faced with their constant pressure, but equally I do feel badgered into it, given dh knows I've resisted strongly for over a year. It's not a case of me saying yes for a year then changing my mind.

It's all done now anyway :) hopefully if nothing else, dh will realize that I'm serious about no dog, rather than constantly trying to guilt me into it.

For what it's worth I think you've done the right thing as in never get a dog on a whim because puppies are cute.

But, honestly having a dog isn't the huge crushing responsibility that I think we're all guilty of making it out to be when we're making sure someone thinks it through properly.

The walking becomes part of your routine and is enjoyable...no you can't just wake up and disappear for a weekend, or go on holiday without considering your dog - but, who doesn't have responsibilities they have to accommodate? Children, work, other family members...

Puppies are full on, constant hard work and yep you are very tied to them, but an adult dog isn't the same at all. You adjust a little bit and they fit around you as well. Evenings out for instance don't have to stop at all, if I want to go to the cinema or dinner or to a party, I just sort out the dog first and go, it's not an issue.

If your DH really wants a dog, give it some real thought, get him to find out and budget for a dog walker for days out, what would happen about holidays, where and how much training classes are and who would be taking the dog to those. Also budget for food, insurance and vets costs and a plan for who will be walking the dog and when.

That way hopefully either he'll realise it's not a possibility or you'll realise it is and worst case you both still disagree but you'll have a case for exactly why it won't work rather than just him wanting a dog and you not wanting one.

It's all done now anyway hopefully if nothing else, dh will realize that I'm serious about no dog, rather than constantly trying to guilt me into it.

I hope so too, op. It's horrible to be under pressure from all directions!

But, honestly having a dog isn't the huge crushing responsibility that I think we're all guilty of making it out to be when we're making sure someone thinks it through properly.

Personally, I agree, tabulahrasa. I find dogs and raising pups exceptionally easy but then, I grew up with a gran who was a judge in the canine sphere and grandfather who raised working sheepdogs. Our own family had both working and pet dogs. For me, it's abnormal to not have several!

But it isn't the same for everyone. My ex couldn't understand having dogs or their purpose! To him, dogs were a massive (and unwanted) imposition. What I consider just part of daily life and enormously beneficial and enriching, he considered hard work and thankless.

Sadly, dogs just aren't for everyone

"Sadly, dogs just aren't for everyone"

Oh of course, it's just that the OP didn't come across as not actually wanting a dog, just not wanting the responsibility - which I think would be worth getting her DH to plan for properly so that they're both making an informed decision.

They may still hold the same viewpoint afterwards, but I just think if you disagree on something like that then you're better off discussing it properly.

Well done jam for holding your nerve. Try guinea pigs or fish. To you for being strong.

Rats also recommended as good pets for children. Intelligent, clean, will play and don't sleep all day like some smaller rodents. (Recommended by a vet I knew over hamsters and the like)

With children that age and your DH's weekend and evening golf and squash habit, it wouldn't be just the dog you'd be walking, the kids would have to come along too!

Get a smaller pet, put those who want a dog in total charge of cleaning out, feeding etc and agree to look again in 2 years time at the dog question.

Well done for making the right decision for you. We are currently thinking as a family about getting a dog. ( kids and me keen, DH taking his time to think about it - it would be me doing the early mornings and clearing up etc though!) they are a massive commitment and as others have said, should not be an impulse purchase.

Well done you, can't have been easy for you. Absolutely the right thing for you (all).

As others have said, I think you've done the right thing saying no, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

With the set-up you explained, it would have been you doing 98% of the work. It's hard work too and takes up a lot of time from your day. If your DH is out most Saturdays anyway, I think it's a bit of cheek that he is trying to guilt you into having a dog. It really would mean you were doing all the work.

I fostered dogs but have to say that I breathed a sigh of relief after they found new homes, after two months (each dog).

I found my day was taken over, didn't like not being able to go out on a whim, cleaning up the dog and house after walks, generally worried about it too much and didn't like the fact that a whole day out in London, or visiting my son who lives in London wasn't really a possibility with a dog at home.

WELL DONE for sticking to your guns. Have a relaxing glass of !

Try borrowmydoggy.com

Instead

Yy to rats! Very affectionate, intelligent little creatures. They need a huge cage but can learn numerous tricks!

We have always had dogs ( on our 5th now, after 35 years since the first). I got my first because I liked dogs and had always wanted one of my own. They can be a bit of a pain but the love you get back is so worth it. If you train your dog well from day one you will soon have a sensible well behaved companion and then years of pleasure. I would never be without a dog, the walking is good for you anyway.

I think your husband was really wrong to put so much pressure on you and make you look like the "bad guy" in front of the kids. Especially when it would be you doing most of if not all the work.
If he REALLY wants a dog he should quit squash and golf so he can look after it in the evenings and weekends. That would still leave you with the responsibility during the day while he's at work.
Sorry for the generalisation, but some men can be so bloody selfish sometimes.

Also I bet he wants the kids to think he's a great dad because he was going to get them a dog... but a great dad would spend more time with them at weekends and in the holidays. (Sorry OP but feeling annoyed on your behalf!)

Well done OP!

Nothing more to add except for you OP - you've had a tough time of it!