Deposit on puppy now major doubts

[jamtoast12]

Hi all

I'm at a loss really as what to do regarding the above :(

For over a year now, dh and dc have gone on and on about getting a dog and i resisted throughout, mainly because I've never had one and given I work part time and take the school hols off, I know it'll all come down to me.

Me dh and kids have a great social life, kids do after school activities most nights etc so life's pretty hectic. I only work 2 days and dh works from home 2 days so their arguments are that the dog won't be left on its own all day etc. but it will be left with me, the one who wants it the least.

Anyway a few days ago dh suggested going to at least see a puppy. Having never been to see puppies before and not realizing the set up, we made a huge mistake of taking the kids and everyone fell in love with it. There were several people viewing the same litter so I felt huge pressure to commit to a deposit. It wasn't a puppy farm but more an experienced family breeder with several pups.

I came away excited having actually really loved seeing the puppy but now I feel awful. I feel I've made a huge mistake, spur of the moment decision and the kids are so excited :(

It's all they've talked about.

We are meant to collect in just over 10 days but I'm terrified! Dh says he's only doing it for the kids and isn't actually bothered which makes things worse as I think at least one if us should be majorly committed as I've no doubt kids will tire of it easily.

I just feel so bad on dc as we have been thinking it over for a year, I took them to see a pup and they've named her and everything. Dh said he'll support me either way and just tell kids it's fallen through due to health check rather than blame me but I feel so bad. I feel like I've led them on, I really thought I'd be ok to commit but I'm so anxious about it (maybe overly so) but I find I haven't slept the past few days worrying about it.

Dh would just go for it but I really wish I'd never been to see it. I don't mind losing my deposit and I'd rather tell the breeder ASAP so they can sort another buyer but unsure what to say as just feel the bad guy all round.

Any advice? Part of me wanders if I'm just being too cautious (I do overthink things)

To be honest I think most of this dog owners I know are referring to the loss of freedom rather than the amount of work really. So not being able to go out for the whole day unplanned, no last minute weekends away, struggling when at long social events, holidays etc. I also think it doesn't help that many of them are part time so take on the main responsibility (like I would be expected to do) even though they weren't the one who suggested a dog.

In some ways itd be easier for me (though not the dog) to accept if me and dh both worked full time and both took same leave as I think it'd natuarally fall into an equal split but because I'm at home so much more than dh, the dog will become my responsibility and I already take charge of the kids social activities, homework etc .

For me personally, a puppy was NOWHERE near as bad as people said.
I would do it again.

I think you should look at the situation logically, weigh up the pros and cons, think of all the bad points and how you would manage them?
If you really can't face it then dont do it.

I brought home a working bred puppy, of a breed reputed to be bad with children (I had a 4 year old). She showed major high drive to work aswell.
After a few days I was close to tears at times, all j had heard from certain people - that should be on a farm, it's going to need hours of exercise, it's going to bite your kids, that big dog in your tiny house?!

I need not have worried.
By keeping get attached to me I could immediately teach her the rules.
If she was about to toilet I could immediately go Ah ah and race outside, If about to chew my shoe i could immediately say Ah she and shove a chew toy in her mouth.
Consequently, she learnt to behave pretty quickly.

Nights were a little stressful at first as she howled.
I ignored all noise completely and in s few days dad was sleeping soundly of at bedtime.

Jamtoast, training a puppy and looking after a dog in general is pretty easy but everything you say about loss of freedom etc is true for us.

I really wish we didn't get a dog, if we go away on holiday we have to have someone stay at the house (I hate the thought of people being in my house whilst I'm not there!) No one will look after him.

We try and look for weekends away where we can take him with us but we last stayed in a lodge which had obviously had other dogs there before and he kept weeing in the same spots, presumably where other dogs had wee'd before.

He stinks. Not the kind of smell that a bath sorts out, just a general musty dog smell.

** she was sleeping

She is two now and loves children, my son adores her.

I would also say, that if you train them from day one to accept that fun is variable - some days we walk, some days we don't, some days we do training, some days we don't and vary the length of walks they don't then pester you for walks constantly.
That may sound cruel but the reality is if one of your kids fell ill suddenly or ypu got injured or there was a blizzard or something you would not be able to walk the dog and need the dog to quietly entertain himself.

When my dog was maybe a year old I had a freak accident where I went over suddenly.
I couldn't put any weight on my foot for about 6 weeks.
The fact that my dog had been trained not to 'expect' anything and entertain herself was a lifesaver!

I think I know I need to pull out but just trying to think what to say to the kids?

In the initial excitement of seeing the pup, they told all thir school mates etc and I know they'll be hugely disappointed.

I also feel I need a good excuse for the breeder.

Hearing all the positives does make me question the decision and think maybe just go for it but I'm not confident that I won't feel the same as I do now in a few days time and I really don't want to drag this on for my kids any longer.

Dh thinks I'm making a huge deal about it and should just try it out but it's not like you can give it back!

Well actually, any decent breeder would insist on taking the dog back if it didn't work out.
They usually make you sign a contract to say it is not to go in rescue and to be returned to them.

Has the breeder mentioned a contract at all?
Offered lifetime advice, asked you lots of questions?
Have they put an endorsement on the puppy's kc papers to say not for breeding?
Have they done health tests on the parents aswell?
By health tests I mean DNA tests for eye problems and things.

If not, then regardless of your feelings I would walk as they aren't a good breeder.

Exactly, you can't give it back. Much better to pull out now than take the dog and then have to rehome it.
Your DH said he will support you if you decide not to get the dog. Why don't the two of you decide what to tell the kids and then tell them together? You both need to make it clear that it's a joint decision, so that one of you (you!) isn't the bad guy.
I wouldn't worry about the breeder, I'm sure if you tell them the truth they will be fine - I'm sure they'd prefer to sell a dog to someone who was 100% sure.
Could you sign up to something like 'Borrow My Doggy'? Then the kids could still get some experience of walking and looking after a dog, without you having the huge responsibility of looking after one full time for the rest of its life.
The kids will be disappointed at first but it's for the best. Would you consider getting another pet for them? Something less demanding obviously.

Jamtoast, I think you've had done great advice here. I just wanted to say I understand your anxieties.

I haven't owned a dog since I was a teenager, and to be honest my mum did most of the work. However, after about 5 years of thinking hard we've just put a deposit on a puppy that isn't even born yet. My dcs 10 and 7 are really excited but we obviously haven't even seen the puppy yet. Our deposit is refundable if we don't click/like the dog when we see it.

I know a few friends recently with dcs the same age who have had a puppy and while they admit the first few months were hard work they all say they wouldn't be without the dog now and can hardly remember a time without it. They all seem to still manage their freedoms.

I feel excited and anxious myself. I work from home, with a huge garden and a massive green area opposite my house. Perfect set up really. I'm really looking forward to it but I think it would be naive to not feel anxious. Like having a new baby.

People love to tell you horror stories about how bad things are. However I know lots of people with great dogs who manage their lives perfectly, just with extra dog love in it!

I think what I'm trying to say is - let your dh take a lot of the strain and don't be put off by people.

However if you really really don't want a dog then you mustn't get one.

Good luck either way.

Don't shoot me down but I am most concerned about your choice of breed on top of your other worries. Cocker spaniels are not the easiest of pups as they need quite a bit of exercise, are high energy and need lots of mental stimulation. As a first dog they are tricky especially with the fact you are juggling so many other things like kids, work etc
You really need to give this some more thought and chat with your oh. I think it is normal to be nervous but what you are expressing seems to be more than the jitters. X

OP specifies a show type cocker which IMO make great first dogs, they're a world apart from some of the high energy working lines. The big downside is the coat maintenance which is not to be underestimated, it's either significant investment in tools and time at home or £££ every six weeks at the grooming parlour.

If you've any doubts at all - don't do it. Having a dog at home changes everything.

I don't think yoy should do it. Or not yet anyway.

I was desperate for a dog once the dc were old enough. I found the first year really, really hard work, and it took me a while to bond with him as I resented the time he was taking and the restrictions he made on the family. .......and I was so desperately keen to get a dog.

Don't do it unless you are 100% commited; the training, mess, dirty house, walking in all weathers when you arent feeling well, the financial implications, the lack of spontaneity in going out, going away, holidays.

I bloody love my dog now, (and he now has a gorgeous little 'sister' ), and wouldn't be without them, but it took me a while to get there.

All decent breeders would rather you pulled out now than tried to return your dog at 3 months or 6 months of age. If the only thing putting you off pulling out is not disappointing the kids, could you not arrange an alternative exciting thing - trip to Euro Disney or something?

Hmm, I think the breed is as much of an issue as anything else.

It will be hard for your DC's now but harder for you all (DDog included) if it doesn't work out.

I'd do the excuse to your kids, and tell the truth to the breeder.

I love my dogs, I really do, and we thought long and hard about having them. Even so, I wasn't prepared for them having to be in my thought process all the time. Just things like 'go to lunch then a film' - which is fine, but no popping into someone elses house on the way home or having tea out. A day at a theme park/ airshow/ museum needs someone to come and let them out at least twice, or paying for day boarding. Boxing day at the ILs needs them to stay in the car for a lot of the day and someone has to go walk them at intervals and so on.

I'd say that unless you and dh are fully committed to being dog owners, I wouldn't do it.

I would be honest with the dc surely if you say that the pup has failed a health check ( or similar) they will just nag about looking for a different pup . We didn't get our dog until the younger dc was 11 because by that age we were doing less days out etc where the whole family went and had a more dog friendly life . That said we agreed to get a dog on Thursday and bought home a pup from Battersea on the following Sunday so not long enough for doubts to creep in .

I don't think you will have any problem with the breeders. Frankly you were under immense pressure when you put down a deposit. All the excitement, the other people.... Yes the chlldren will be disappointed, but unless they are old enough to take responsibility for the walks, the poo picking, the training - and of course who's going to look after the dog in 10-15 years time? Who is going to be making all the big decisions? We have 3 dogs at the moment and are considering another. But the dcs don't look after them. Sometimes they take them out, sometimes they feed them. We wanted the dogs and we are entirely responsible for them.
When you have told them that it's really not viable, you can take them to dog events which seem to happen in every county. Crufts can be interesting if you haven't been. You should be able to find a dog training club to visit. They can become involved with other peoples dogs. Ask lots and lots of questions. It sounds as though it is not the right time. Please don't feel guilty about it. If the kids really want a dog, they will have to go out and do some work on their own. And if they're too young, they'll have to get over it!

I am coming up to a month with a new puppy - that I really really wanted (as did the children) - but DH did not. He does nothing with her - no feeding, poo picking, walking etc and will just about cuddle her occasionally - but he is struggling hugely with the restrictions on our life at the moment. And, I am finding it REALLY hard work (I also have four children) and at times have really doubted my decision. I love her to bits already - but it is full on and a big responsibility. I know that it will all be better once she has stopped chewing and is housetrained (she's almost there, but still has the odd lapse if I'm not 100% concentrating) and she adores mud and digging and bringing mess in....

If you are not 100% sure, I really wouldn't do it.

Just say no

What decision did you come to op?

So it turns out dh wasn't supportive of my decision at all! I told the kids, they got upset as expected and dh made it so much worse by trying to come up with solutions (rather than supporting me) so of course he's now the good guy and I'm the bad one.

I'm gutted tbh as ds woke this morning and the first thing he said was, "have you changed your mind about the dog." :(

So kids now know dh wants it for them and I'm the one saying no. I did want to use a different reason but the kids are aware having heard dh and I talking about it so know I'm not really into it.

Dh came up with loads of scenarios of what he would do etc but in reality im the first up every day of the week so I'll be the first one down, clearing up with mess and sorting the dog out. I'm the one around at weekends as he plays golf Saturdays. He also plays squash two nights a week and takes two weeks annual leave a year only compared to my 10 weeks. All everyone has said it that I have the time to take care of a dog, which is of course true, but I don't want to!

Kids upset with me as the don't understand why I won't do it despite me trying to explain.

It's been the worst weekend and I know it's my fault by leading the kids on. I went to see my friends 5 month old pup and whilst my kids were ok with it, they weren't falling over themselves over it and my mates own kids don't even like it, having pestered for months! All of which makes me know I have made the right decision but I hope dc don't resent me for it.

Thanks for all advice

They won't. Honestly. They are disappointed now, more because they had built themselves into a frenzy, and that excitement needs to pass.

You've proved it by taking them to see a 5 month old puppy...they should have been falling over themselves to look after it and play with it. Realistically, you'd probably find that everyone had lost interest by the time your puppy was 5 months old.

You are totally right to veto anything that would become your responsibility, too.

I'd be very unhappy about DH acting like a child, though, and going back on an agreement. He said that he'd support you and he did the opposite, which made the situation worse for everyone. I'd be having serious words about that, because it would completely undermine my trust with him. Disappointment is one thing, but he behaved despicably.

We've had a pup for a few weeks now and I adore her. I was probably the person driving most for a dog and I wouldn't be without her. But ... she is a huge amount of work. I have never done so much cleaning - in and out of the garden all the time for hour training purposes. If you get one, maybe wait until spring/summer so that the puppy house training bit doesn't track mud everywhere.

I would definitely cancel this pup and think again - you can always say yes in the future. Maybe borrow a dog for a couple of weeks when your friends go away and get the kids to do all the work.