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The doghouse

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Original poster

How do I forgive myself?

36 replies

SouthBySouthWest · 03/07/2013 22:27

Last week my lovely gorgeous cocker was run over. He never stood a chance. He was 14 months old. I feel so so guilty. I am really struggling.

We had only had him 3 months and were just beginning to trust him off the lead. He was such a lovely dog and fit into our family perfectly. I couldn't believe how lucky we were to have him.

I had taken him for a walk somewhere I thought was safe - a playing field connected to a cycle track. We'd walked around the playing field, and then my son wanted to head along the cycle track. We walked a little along the track, over a road and I had no idea there was access to the road below. I know. Stupid.

I think he caught a scent and got turned around. I can still see him racing off towards the road. I think he was trying to head back to us. We were calling him.

I can still remember looking down on his lifeless body. I still remember leaving my toddler and baby with strangers to scramble down to his wee body. Lifting him up and realising he'd gone. Having to think what to do next. Scrambling back to my children and getting them back to the car and driving around to where my dog was. I can't thank the stranger who stopped to help enough. I would have been in pieces without that help.

I just can't stop seeing it. Every time I have a moment to myself I just replay the whole thing. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about it.

I just don't know how I'm going to get over it. Help

OP posts:
TheseGoToEleven · 03/07/2013 22:33

You poor thing. And the poor dog too.

I would be grateful that it was very quick for him, he likely didn't know what had happened and then he was gone. If he had to be hit by a car then much better this way than a dog in agony and trying to get him to a vet and possibly having to make a very difficult decision under horrible circumstances.

Time will ease your pain. Do you have support IRL? Not everyone can understand the connection people can have to a dog, so I hope you are surrounded by supportive friends and family.

Un-mumsnetty hug for you.

Turniphead1 · 03/07/2013 22:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

cleangreens · 03/07/2013 22:38

Oh no you poor poor thing Sad. You must be feeling so wretched but it was just a horrible freak accident that really could have happened to anybody. How awful for you, do you have friends in RL who understand and can comfort you?

BerryPie · 03/07/2013 22:38

Oh no. Oh poor you. I don't know what to say but didn't want to leave you.

It was an accident. I've heard it said that no dog ever has a 100% recall. It could happen to anyone.

Try not to blame yourself. It sounds like he had a lovely life while he was with you. It also sounds like the end was very quick.

Sorry I can't help any more. Maybe you should go and see someone - it was clearly a very traumatic event, and talking it through properly would be a good idea?

And maybe, down the line, opening your home to another dog.

I'm so sorry.

BOF · 03/07/2013 22:39

I am SO SO sorry. How awful for you Sad. It wasn't your fault.

ThatVikRinA22 · 03/07/2013 22:40

you poor poor thing Sad

accidents happen. please dont blame yourself - we lose them at some point though i appreciate your lost him too soon- he wouldnt have known a thing.

dont torture yourself. please.
i had a spaniel - he had a massive fit and went - just like that. and now im glad he didnt suffer - he just went.

allow yourself to grieve - pets are family. i grieved horribly for my boy.
give yourself a break - you didnt do anything wrong - it was an accident.

watchingout · 03/07/2013 22:44

So so sorry for you OP. it's a horrible thing to have happened to you but take comfort from the fact that your dog was out, running and having fun with his family and wouldn't have known anything. It's the ones left behind that have the pain. But it does lessen, in time.

I had a similar experience years ago when my young cat ran from the opposite side of the road to see me. Tough few months and I still think of him, years later, when I pass that spot. But the shock fades and you will be able to keep the positive memories.

Big hugs x

TooTabooToBoo · 03/07/2013 22:48

Try not to blame yourself, this was an accident and you will gain nothing from blaming yourself. Easy for me to say that of course.

As for the flashbacks, it is a traumatic thing to go through so you are grieving and trying to come fo terms with seeing something horrific. Be kind to yourself.

I know a man who owns working Springer Spaniels, he had 4. They walk next to him off lead. They are focussed on him and him alone, they are a sight to behold. He controls them with a whistle.

On one occasion he left the house without the whistle, took the dogs on their normal route, the youngest dog took after a cat and chased it across a main road, you can guess the rest.

He was devastated, years of dog training and he was so angry at himself for forgetting the whistle which may have called the dog back. It may not have done though.

My point is, if it can happen to an experienced dog trainer it can happen to anybody and you mustn't blame yourself for an unforseeable accident.

xx

Original poster
SouthBySouthWest · 03/07/2013 22:52

Thank you, thank you all. Everyone I have talked to says it wasn't my fault but I just don't believe them. I just feel I should have been more cautious. Taken him somewhere nowhere near roads.

He was so so loved. My two boys adored him. My DH and I adored him. He slept on our bed every night and he was so gentle with our baby. I just wish I could turn back time. I feel I let him down.

OP posts:
TooTabooToBoo · 03/07/2013 23:00

Sad it's very rare I cry at threads on MN but your last comment has me in tears.

I'm so sorry and it seems like a cliche but he had a better life than some humans can ever imagine, so although it was short he was happy and you should take comfort from that x

Original poster
SouthBySouthWest · 03/07/2013 23:03

TooTabooToBoo thank you, I know that was an awful story but it did make me feel a little better. If a 'professional' can make a mistake then maybe I am not so bad.

Just wish I could scrub my brain and stop seeing the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthBySouthWest · 03/07/2013 23:08

Sorry to make you cry. I almost didn't post as I thought it was too sad. But I have been finding this all so difficult and thought that others with similar experiences might help me come to terms with things. Xx

OP posts:
TooTabooToBoo · 03/07/2013 23:09

I had to take my parent's elderly dog to be PTS and that was traumatic enough, played on my mind for a few weeks and I too felt guilty even though it was inevitable as he was ill.

Take a few days, it will get better but remember you are only human and it would be a bit unfeeling if you were over it in a matter of days.

Sad Flowers

hellymelly · 03/07/2013 23:12

I have had two dogs, and with each of them there was a near miss with a road that still makes me go slightly sick thinking of it. Dog 1 was nearly hit by a bus, in London. I heard the brakes screech and found cowering outside my door- I lived opposite the park, boyfriend(tosser) was walking him and left him in the park to come and tell me to go and get him, when he didn't come when called.
Dog 2 got lost chasing a squirrel on Hampstead Heath. He went out of the park to try and find me and was seen crossing a busy main road. Same thing happened in another park on a windy day when hye couldn't hear me calling and went to my friend's house to try and find me.
In most dog's lives there will be the odd situation like this, particularly when they are young and off at every scent. You and your dog were incredibly unlucky, I am so sorry he was so tragically killed. Please forgive yourself.

TooTabooToBoo · 03/07/2013 23:12

The story didn't make me cry as such, your upset and loss did as there but for the grace of god go I . Any dog owner can identify with how you're feeling xx

toomuch2young · 03/07/2013 23:13

I am so so sorry.
A friend was putting her dogs in the car when one caught sight of something, slipped her lead and ran straight into a car. This dog was old, placid and that was totally out of character. She blamed herself for months, if only she hadnt gone there for a walk, or had checked the collar etc. But it was a total accident. And now she can look back and see this i think.

Time is a healer, for now try and be as kind to yourself as possible. Your little one didn't suffer and won't of know anything about it. Dogs don't have hopes and dreams for the future they live totally in the here and now and you made all his 'moments' filled with love and fun.

Sending you a big hug, through tears, I can feel the anguish on your post and it really brings it home thinking how much the dogs are family, I would be absolutly deveratated. Hope people in RL are being kind to you. I hope you can give another dog a fantastic home in time as well x

Original poster
SouthBySouthWest · 03/07/2013 23:15

Thank you so much. It's awful putting a pet to sleep (been there unfortunately) but to lose one so young so suddenly. In front of your young children...

Still not sure how to process the whole thing...

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthBySouthWest · 03/07/2013 23:22

I'm hoping in time we can give another dog a home. It just seems too soon.

Thank you all for the kind words. It does make a difference.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 04/07/2013 11:03

Oh Lord. I read your post with that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I have a cocker/springer cross and I live in dread of this happening. I take all sensible precautions, his recall is excellent, but spaniels are bonkers when they get a scent. And so bloody fast. I'm so sorry that you lost your boy x

DeepRedBetty · 04/07/2013 11:10

Every day we have to balance risk against enjoyment of life. Your lovely boy would have hated being stuck on a lead all the time, or only going free to sniff and work the hedgerow on very occasional trips to deep countryside. You gave him a fantastic fourteen months.

Yes, it's way too soon to be thinking about giving another dog a home. But when you're ready, you'll be fine. You sound like a wise, loving owner, and here are some Flowers

MissStrawberry · 04/07/2013 11:17

I am so sorry for you all. What an awful awful accident.

You know about the road access now and I am sure you won't allow your next dog to go there without being on the leash.

My Nana lost her dog when he ran across the road chasing a bitch. We were all devastated but smiled too at the dirty dog chasing girlfriends to the end.

Madondogs · 04/07/2013 12:26

So sorry for you and your family. What a horrible trauma for you.
Please don't blame yourself, it was just a horrible accident... The sort of thing that could happen to any dog owner.
Unmumsnetty hugs.

ILikeToClean · 04/07/2013 13:37

I am so sorry, how awful for you all. But please take comfort from everything that has been said here already, your dog had a lovely life with you, he wasn't abused or beaten or kept lock up, he was out enjoying himself with his family and was just incredibly unlucky. He would not have known any pain. There but for the grace of God go all of us dog owners - the worst thing about owning and loving pets is losing them, way way too soon in your case I know, but he had a very lovely family life and I really hope you can realise that you have nothing to forgive yourself for. Keep reading these messages back, hopefully they will comfort you and your family - sending hugs and Flowers.

littlewhitebag · 04/07/2013 14:12

How awful for you. I dread this happening as my 15 mth Lab would do the same thing if something caught her attention. You didn't do anything wrong but i can understand your feeling of guilt. Time will allow you to let it go. Meanwhile take care of yourself and your family and let yourself grieve for your lovely dog.

TakingTheStairs · 04/07/2013 14:23

That must have been a very upsetting and traumatic experience for you.
You cannot blame yourself, it wasn't your fault and it won't bring him back. It will only make you more sad. You gave him a wonderful loving home and the best life he could have had. He knows he was loved. He was happy and he felt no pain.
Be kind to yourself. Nobody else could have done any different.
xxx