How do I forgive myself?

[SouthBySouthWest]

Last week my lovely gorgeous cocker was run over. He never stood a chance. He was 14 months old. I feel so so guilty. I am really struggling.

We had only had him 3 months and were just beginning to trust him off the lead. He was such a lovely dog and fit into our family perfectly. I couldn't believe how lucky we were to have him.

I had taken him for a walk somewhere I thought was safe - a playing field connected to a cycle track. We'd walked around the playing field, and then my son wanted to head along the cycle track. We walked a little along the track, over a road and I had no idea there was access to the road below. I know. Stupid.

I think he caught a scent and got turned around. I can still see him racing off towards the road. I think he was trying to head back to us. We were calling him.

I can still remember looking down on his lifeless body. I still remember leaving my toddler and baby with strangers to scramble down to his wee body. Lifting him up and realising he'd gone. Having to think what to do next. Scrambling back to my children and getting them back to the car and driving around to where my dog was. I can't thank the stranger who stopped to help enough. I would have been in pieces without that help.

I just can't stop seeing it. Every time I have a moment to myself I just replay the whole thing. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about it.

I just don't know how I'm going to get over it. Help

I am so sorry. You're a lovely caring owner - I can't imagine the nightmare you're in now. My puppy escaped from a field years ago and crossed an A Road to get home. She made it safely - thankfully, as I'd had my older dog PTS just hours before. I feel sad for you and your family - and the person who ran over your dog. I hope that time will heal your pain and that at some stage you will find another dog to share your life.

You poor things, what a horrible accident. Please dont make yourself ill with guilt - it was an accident, they do happen x

I'm terribly sorry to hear this. You poor thing. It wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself.

You won't really get over it. I still think about my jack russell getting run over 34 years ago, and I have vivid visual memories. So in a way,
you won't really get over it. But it will start to seem easier and easier to live with the memory and to stop torturing yourself with undeserved blame.

Thank you all again for the kind words. It is very true that he had a fantastic life and was happy till the very last moment. That is some comfort. I have a brother that lives in the States and their two dogs hardly get walked and never off lead. They don't know how to socialise with other dogs. This kind of accident is unlikely to happen to them but it's a pretty dull life for them.

The only other comfort is that he didn't cause an accident on the road. That would have been awful. As no one stopped when it happened I can only hope they hadn't realised they'd hit a dog. I know how I would have felt if I'd hit a dog, and wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I will keep reading everyone's kind words and hope they sink in with time. I knew everyone here would understand. I'm having to put a bit of a face on irl.

Very sorry to hear that.

This happened to me, last year, when my dog was 8 months old.

It was a situation which I thought was safe, but he behaved in an unpredictable way, and it was therefore not safe.

In some ways it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I was in shock for a week.

A lot of dog owners were very kind; telling me about their near-misses. I'd never had any near-misses, as it happened, so it seemed a bit unfair, but life is unfair.

Motor cars have only been around for a century or so. Dogs have only recently had to suffer the consequences. All you can say, in your case and in mine, is that at least it was quick and he therefore didn't suffer too much - one moment a force of nature, the next, gone.

Don't be too hard on yourself, as others have said, you can do your absolute best and it still ends badly.

My vet said that young, entire, male dogs make up the greatest proportion of road traffic deaths.

I know it's early days but you've got to forgive yourself. If living with a dog can teach us anything it's to live in the moment.
Holding on to pain and regret doesn't make you a better person or make anything better.
I'm not being insensitive (I felt like I had pnd after getting my first dog, because I felt like he deserved a better owner [mummy]) but you need to decide that this awful feeling that you have at the moment is not what is going to define your memory of your dog.
Big hug x

Merle - sorry to hear that you've been through this so recently yourself. It's awful, isn't it?

Thinking about it, our family dogs, when I was young, both had a few near misses themselves (one ran out of a park down a busy main road, after being scared by a firework, and one, when a bit old and senile, decided to take herself off when on a walk with my mum and walk back to another park, along a busy road, and over several others). Neither were hurt, but so easily could have been. As you say, it feels unfair that ours didn't get a near miss.

AllRightSoFar, you are right, after all. I can't let this taint my memories of him. After it happened, I had to go around the house and remove any trace of him as I couldn't bear to look at anything that reminded me. I'm hoping in time, I can look at pictures and remember him without all the pain.

Another thing that really pains me is that we rehomed him when he was 10 months old. His previous owner had wanted to find a loving family home for him and chose us. I'm not going to tell him what happened, as that would be too cruel, but I feel I let him down too as he trusted us with him.

This is going to take some time, isn't it

I have a cocker too so really feel your pain. Keep telling yourself it was very quick, he really wouldn't have felt anything, focus on that and with time your grief will heal.

I'm not surprised you keep getting flashbacks, horrible but totally normal. Any major shock is going to take time to get over.

Be grateful for the time you had together and be gentle on yourself.