If you could communicate with your dog what would you say?

[thewizenedone]

Babe, I know you have had a bad experience in the past but barking and lunging at every dog you see isnt the answer especially when your tails wagging madly . As for recall, the deal is I throw your favourite ball and you bring it back, simple yes? umm no, coming back then running past me, or sitting down ten feet away to chew said ball doesnt count. Also in recall its really not part of the training to lie down in the field on your back waving your legs in the air and enjoying the sun, nice as it is . I can forgive the farts as DH usually gets the benefit as your bed is near him

one last thing, we WILL find the answer to the problem ou have with dogs when your on the lead you have cos we love you to bits

Stop fucking barking.
The cat hates you and will never play. Just give up.
When it is 7 am and we are rushing around getting ready for work and school, NOBODY wants to throw that ball for you. Later in the day it is a different story, as you well know.
I love how clever, busy, happy and loving you are.
This is your home and family for ever.

I?d ask:
Are you happy?
Do you like your food?
Are you comfortable in your bed?
Do you really like the taste of horse shit?
What was your previous home like?
When I call you back to me it?s not because I want to spoil your fun, it?s because I?m trying to prevent you getting into dangerous or unpleasant situations, so please do as I ask first time every time.

I'd say, "you have loads of chew toys so why do you find chewing the doors and kitchen cupboards so much more exciting FFS??? ", then I'd add. "It's just as well you are so cute that we'll forgive you anything "

I'd say

For goodness sake chill out and just let them say hello, not every other dog is going to kill you, you don't need to be so snappy.

We adore you, but if you could hold onto your hair for maybe perhaps a whole 10minutes after I've hoovered, that would make me feel a teeny bit better.

1. Stop rummaging through the dirty washing and walking around the house with my dirty knickers in your mouth.

1. When we play fetch, would you bring the ball actually to me, rather than the obligatory 2 feet away from me.

1. Wind doesn't have this effect on everyone.......why you? Calm down.

What?! I can't be the only one who has a running dialogue with my 2 every day already, can I?
I'm constantly talking to them and I have 'talkative' breeds, so I almost always get a response!

But if we could have a full conversation, I'd ask boy dog to please stop shoving his head up our cat's bum- she doesn't like it and to please stop putting EVERYTHING in his mouth.

And I'd explain to girl dog that as much as we appreciate her guarding us and the house- that she doesn't need to bark at every noise- and definitely not the ones she's heard every day for 3 years!

Do you REALLY like all people now... or are you just luring me into false sense of security..?

When you lay and look worried... is it your eyebrows, or are you worried?

I know that you know I'm having a baby but please please believe me when I say you have no need to worry, you are not going anywhere!

I know you think the Garden is a great place to hide your bones... but you have so many now, and you forget you have buried them. I only bin them because they will make you poorly! Please don't look at me as if i have just stabbed you!

You know how you go past my knee and are as wide as a kitchen bin... if you can't see me, I CAN still see you. Belly Crawling or putting your head to one side will not make you, nor whatever you have done invisible!

I don't care if you're "only a dog" you're my best mate.

If you do decide to die. Please just let me find you gone in your sleep I can't make the decision when to do it.

Oh and yeah that postman is a shit. I agree!

Dear SmallDog,
I love your exuberance and the fact that you are full of life (some may call it naughtiness but I disagree, you are a free spirit) After four years with us you have realised that no one is going to beat you, lock you up, starve you or hit you again.
I wish you hadn't had such a horrible start to life, but we are doing all we can to make up for it.
I am sorry that when we met you at the rescue centre I wasn't sure you were the right dog for us - luckily MrPB has more sense then I do.
However, you do not need to constantly protect MrPB and I. Every knock at the door or passing stranger is not a dangerous person from whom we need to be protected.

DearBigDog,
You are the most delightful, happy dog we have ever owned. You are laid back and gorgeous and incredibly obedient.
I love the fact that the sound of your wagging destructive tail bumping against things puncturates our days. I only have to glance at you and you wag.
I am sorry that you are upset by the builders working in the house at the moment (I'm not loving the kango drill in the living room either) but I promise it will be worth it next year when we have a lovely warm fire going. So please stop looking so very worried and anxious and relax (the noise is going to be going on for a while)

To our nine puppies:

You have a lovely warm crate with soft padding and toys, so why is that when I let you out, you run as if you are escaping Alcatraz...to single-mindedly go under the sofa and sleep on the hard floor instead

I resolutely avoided some lovely green polka-dotted plates in TK Maxx to buy you doggie toys. Could you not at least pretend to enjoy them, instead of giving them a cursory glance and then playing enthusiastically with the dustpan and broom...?

I know we all enjoy watching TV, but must you form a semi-circle around the TV when the news is on, and then slowly lower yourselves in unison for a wee? I know the government is doing a piss-take, but you don't have to be so literal about it

To my JRT,
Every single dog we encounter on walks is not a threat,stop going for them especially the huge,big scary ones that would kill you in a second,if they so choose.
Every single caller at the front/back door is not a threat,stop attempting to attack them especially the egg buyers & the postman!!
I love you with all my heart,you are the most wonderful second Mum to dd2(who has SN),your patience is a wonder to behold.
I am sorry you are going deaf & have cataracts,but we have shared 14 fabulous years together & old age is a bitch.

To my Grey,
Did you enjoy your years as a racer or has it mentally & physically scarred you?
I am so sorry that you suffered so much with that torn cruciate ligament,we had no idea & thought the frame would help you regain the use of your back leg,I hope we did the right thing having it amputated
Every furry animal,in the distance,is not a rabbit!!
Did you know your breath is goddamn awful!!

GirlDog1 I'd ask her why she hates GirlDog2. I'd explain that if she could find a way for the two of them to get on, she would be able to be with the "pack" again. I'd tell her we love her no matter what, and point out that we haven't hit her in the5.5 yrs we have had her, so why does she still cower when we walk past with any stick like item. I'd explain we are not like her first owners and if I knew who they were, I'd use a stick on them.

NiceButDim Boy, I'd ask him why he's still scared of life. I'd help him find coping mechanisms to deal with all the scary things, and assure him that no-one will ever hurt him again, so please trust us to look after him and protect him.

GirlDog2 is more intelligent than all the people I know put together so I'd probably ask her why the answer is 42, What IS the question, and why does she find bunnies so irristable.

I'd probably ask him why he's such an eejit :)

I love you to bits Bastarddog but PLEASE stop catching things. I don't mind you swimming after ducks and geese, but your really are not meant to catch them.

Those squirrels in the park ARE NEVER GOING TO LET YOU CATCH THEM, but it's great fun watching you try - and it's good exercise.
When I throw the ball for you, please bring the sodding thing back, rather than just glancing at it as you lollop past.

Please please please do some wees and poos in the garden and not on the carpet

Scruffy pup, stop trying to butter up the guinea pigs by sharing your manky chews. They are not going to one day think its a good idea to escape the hutch and run manically into your jaws.

runninglatte I remember that well! My puppy was the last in our "new puppy" thread of last June/July to "get" toilet training. I didn't believe all those kind souls who promised me he'd get there in the end. But I can promise you that they were right, he did.

I would say -

I love you so much. You are the best dog in the world and the best friend I ever had. I don't care that you're virtually untrainable and I love your crazy ways. I will always look after you, right up until the end.

To Charlie ...good luck, be a good boy and make mamma proud, oh and because you are a very small lab you are never going to be able to put a 7stone GSD's head in your mouth, no matter how hard you both try.
(He is off to GUide Dogs School tomorrow...i am a bit :( )

To Keller...give over with the grumpiness, no one believes it! (one of the aformentioned 7stone GSDs)

To Zac....what a big brave boy you are being about your meals and eating them all up when Mamma and DD were out of the house yesterday! (the other great galoot of a gsd who generally refuses to take food from any one but me or dd)

If you will persist in looking so tragic, even when you're upside down on the sofa and full of sardines, having your tummy stroked happy, please can you come up with a secret paw sign when you really are feeling sad, so I can tell?

Also, can you tell me when your ears hurt, so I can stop worrying that you're just being brave?

And, finally, am I correct in thinking that you're actually in charge of this house and I'm just your staff?

OldDog - I love you dearly and will never hurt you. You don't have to flinch like that when I go to touch you, it breaks my heart to see it. I want to apologise on behalf of humankind for what you've been through.

BearDog - you great big gorgeous fluffy bear of a thing, come here and give Mummy a kiss (oh you already understand that last bit :)) - that's enough now...ew, no, get your tongue out of my ear!

I'd say: "Please, please, pleeease stop eating dead birds on the field!!! Please! And while you are at it, can you stop chasing the cat? It's really pissing her off."