If you could communicate with your dog what would you say?

[thewizenedone]

Babe, I know you have had a bad experience in the past but barking and lunging at every dog you see isnt the answer especially when your tails wagging madly . As for recall, the deal is I throw your favourite ball and you bring it back, simple yes? umm no, coming back then running past me, or sitting down ten feet away to chew said ball doesnt count. Also in recall its really not part of the training to lie down in the field on your back waving your legs in the air and enjoying the sun, nice as it is . I can forgive the farts as DH usually gets the benefit as your bed is near him

one last thing, we WILL find the answer to the problem ou have with dogs when your on the lead you have cos we love you to bits

Oh - some of these have made me have a little weep.

I know you're staring at me; not because I've got eyes in the back of my head but because DP has told me you are. I am not ignoring you because I hate you. I am ignoring you because I know from experience that if I acknowledge your staring in any way, you will become gleeful that you can Make Me Move and you will do it all the more, and I refuse to be ordered about by my own dog. I know that Collies (and Crosses Thereof) are the managers of the dog world but I do not wish to be managed thank you very much.

Oh, and I still haven't forgiven you for the Stroganoff Incident.

Otherwise, I love you very much x

I love you

Stop eating cat shit!

Oh - and you know when you roll in stinking things? And you know that sometimes when we come home from a walk I hose you? Those things are linked. You might want to have a little think about that.

Dear Dog.

The reason I will not give you a piece of my chocolate is because it's bad for you. Not because I am a meanie.

cherry - I love you so much why do you hate some dogs, I wish you could tell me, oh and Eric is here to stay I'm afraid so you really are just going to have to put up with it.
Eric - stop eating shit, it is not good for you, you have plenty of food. and you are the cleverest dog ever and yes I love you and ok I will throw the bloody ball.

NiceButDim - you're 7 now. Not a puppy. Please act like it. Just occasionally. You are 9 stones of hair and teeth.. Greeting people at their eye level is disturbing and dangerous. It's only your stunning good looks that has allowed you to get away with it for so long. And for information, it fucking hurts when you hit us with your paw. And leaves bruises. Big bruises.

BastardDog - how are those plans for world domination coming along? And you know that big super king size bed? That's our bed. You have numerous beds in all your favourite spots throughout the house. Feel free to use them.

Both of you - the baby will be here soon. Please don't worry about being pushed out. You won't be. For a start, no fucker would have your dysfunctional and increadingly decrepit asses so rehoming is not an option ;) We know you'll be great with the littl'un. And BastardDog, we know you'll do an excellent job of clearing up the dropped food once weaning starts.

Dear Devil Dog: I know we have not always seen eye to eye and most people really don't like you all that much. So you know, this is probably just because you growl at people quite a lot. I know you don't mean it, you know you don't mean, but other people don't. Only I can tell apart your grumpy growl from your viscous growl from your contented growl from your happy growl. To other people they are just a sign that you are still slightly savage. Please desist from growling at guests.

Also I would be much obliged if you would realise that peeing in the passage way is in no way the same as peeing in yard, no matter how close to the door it is or how much it is raining.

Also as much I love you I also love to toilet alone. Please stop breaking into the toilet while I am peeing. I do not need you to keep me company while I am emptying my bladder.

PS: Delivery men are not evil. I do not need protecting from them. They are actually quite nice. They deliver goodies to our doorstep. It would helpful if you would stop trying to break down the inside door to be able to eat them. The same goes for repair, they too are actually not at all evil and rreally quite helpful. I do not need you to eat them for me.

Dear Whippy: Don't ever change but please do learn it is just rain. Not acid. It is just wind. Not the sky falling in. The world really is not that confusing. You are a dog, as much as you would like to be a cat, you are a dog. Sorry but it's fact. No amount of purring and rubbing yourself on the furniture will ever change that.

Dear Grey: You will be leaving us very soon for your forever sofa. We have thoroughly enjoyed having you and will miss you dearly. Make sure you remind you new people to send us lots of photos. I know it will be scary and you will miss us, but they really are very nice people. If you cry and howl a little less this time, that would be helpful to them and you won't be sent back like last time. However, if you ever are sent back, your spot on the sofa will always be here for you.

PS: Don't pee on their bed, only numpties like me would put up with something like that.

Dear New Foster Dog to Be: Please try and be a Staffordshire Bull Terrier. Thank you.