Can't bear the dog that my family loves. Please help.

[notmyname11]

DH and I both always wanted a dog. It didn't work out pre-DCs because of our jobs and then the DCs arrived. Whenever we saw a dog we'd sigh and say 'one day' without me really thinking about it. Now that they're the DCs are a bit older (just into school and nursery) and DC1 has fallen for dogs too, after just the tiniest extra push from DH, I said yes to getting one. I made the calls, arranged the visit and we now have a 6 month old pup (he came that age). He is gorgeous, gentle, fun, great with the children - everything we could hope for.

I just hate this though. Really hate it. I thought I had space in my life for a dog, but not only did I overestimate how much time and space I have, I underestimated how much he would require (not just the practical stuff but yet another person to think about all the time). I feel SO stupid saying this as I grew up with a dog, but I now realise how much of it I was shielded from, being a child. I just don't think I can do this. Or rather, I know I have to but realise I really don't want to. I am very ashamed of myself right now for feeling this way, when he has done nothing to deserve this and my family adore him.

While DH does do a fair bit, this is when he can. Ultimately DCs and now the dog are my responsibility. Plus job, plus house, plus our lives in general. I hadn't realised how overwhelmed I would feel with him here and I have started to think the unthinkable and wishing we could just rehome him (I know how appalling this is - I have always believed that a pet is a total responsibility). My family would NEVER forgive me and it would be an ultimately selfish act. I just can't look at him without feeling huge resentment and wanting to burst into tears. How can I make myself feel better about him?

Sorry for the long post. I think I'm starting to lose it.

Thanks crossed! I was confused for a moment

I've had a wine!

This is all tragic and heartbreaking. I can not comment on the OP situation but so often people only acknowledge the reality of having a dog after they have it. IF only this could be thought through carefully beforehand. All puppies will demand time, make a mess, need a committed owner - that is not in dispute so why oh why don't people recognise this beforehand.

this link is very close to my heart and I wish people would read it and make a sensible look at the issues before getting the puppy

As for it is just a dog - it is just a dog, that has no choice in who buys it and who has not thought through carefully if it can be loved, trained and looked after.

It is very tragic for all involved

I agree with orm: it sounds as if it's not just the dog that's the problem here, but that it's the final straw. If you really really can't cope, and it's you who's doing all the dogcare, then your DH & DC have no right to guilt trip you about rehoming him. Your responsibility, however, is to do everything you can to ensure that the pup ends up in a committed home where he won't be passed on for a third time. Where did you get him from? If it was a breeder, then they should want to take him back rather than see him go into rescue; if it was from a rescue centre, they should also want to have him back. If it was neither of those then please try to find a rehoming place for him (is he a pedigree? Would your local breed rescue take him?), as they will conduct homechecks and vet possible new owners to ensure he's going to a safe place.

I don't think anyone here would flame you for rehoming a dog that was driving you to a nervous breakdown, but please think really carefully about how you handle the rehoming, especially at this time of year.

crosedwires I remember your thread and am so pleased everything has worked out for you.
OP, I agree with those who think the dog represents the last straw on someone who is overloaded.

Having decided to give it one more week, do you feel relieved, or do you still feel guilty about it all? What can you do during this week to try and make it work, so that you are giving the dog a fair chance? Your DH should be taking on more of the responsibility for looking after the dog, or if he really can't do that he should trade other responsibilities with you so that everything isn't heaped on your shoulders.

I agree with other posters that you should consider if it is other things, rather than the dog, that is causing you to feel like this. You may not have wanted the dog, but since you say he is a well-behaved pup, he is hardly going to ruin your life, and he will only get easier as he gets older. Make sure that you are looking after yourself. For example, you say you weren't eating due to stress, but not eating is guaranteed to make you feel worse.

If you do decide to rehome the pup, please do so in a sensible way. You should be aware that for many dogs, unfortunately, rehoming ends up as being pts. If you got the dog from a reputable breeder or rescue, then they will want to take the dog back from you and that will be easy to arrange. If you rehome the dog via craigslist or similar, you have no way of knowing if the other person has just got the dog to flip it, or will do the same as you and decide quickly that they don't want it after all. If you give the dog to a rescue, make sure it is a real rescue not a pound, and that it has a no-kill policy. People here will be able to give you advice if you need it and suggest suitable rescues near you.

Even though you decided to give it just one more week, you never know, you might be feeling better in a week's time. It does take a while to adjust to anything new in life. I will keep hoping that this will be the outcome.

For all those concerned for the dog's future, he came from a v reputable breeder, so that will be my first port of call. He's also KC registered and I've found the details of the breed's re-homing service too. The dog has done nothing wrong and I sincerely hope that a good home can be found for him.

I feel SUCH a failure and my DH just doesn't understand at all as he is such a great dog (the dog not DH) who he (DH not the dog) thinks won't take much from me, particularly with his (DH's) involvement. He just thinks I should try harder. I think those talking of camel's backs and sticks may be right but I still don't know the way forward without inflicting heartbreak all-round.

I think giving your H a kick up the arse might be a start, actually. It sounds as though he just doesn't 'see' that you are doing all the domestic work and shouldering all the responsibility. It's not that men can't see this: some of them choose not to see that their wives are in fact having to act as their servants.

Notmyname, well done for getting the dog from a reputable breeder. In that case, the breeder should be willing to take him back, if that's what it comes to, and your contract with them will probably stipulate that you do this.

I wonder if you are trying too hard with the dog? You don't have to be a perfect dog owner, just the same as you don't have to be a perfect parent; you just have to be good enough, and that's all.

Why don't you ask your DH to help out more with the dog and/or DCs this week, with an open mind as to what you will do when the week is up? Then you can take it from there, and in the meantime you don't have to feel guilty because this is a trial week. If there are specific things that you need to rant about or are causing problems, ask away, because there are lots of people on here who have been in similar situations and can help.

Thanks for the suggestion Redwing. DH is on leave this week so he could do more. The trouble is that that won't be what it's really like when the responsibility and extra rushing around to accommodate the dog is on me. There is nothing specific wrong - this is why I feel so bad. The dog is fantastic and for a 6 month old, really no trouble. I have no right to complain at all.

I meant to say before, crossedwire, that I'm really sorry to hear what a tough time you had on MN when things were going wrong for you. I've namechanged too as I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm really pleased it's all working out better for you now.

6 month old dogs are the worst sort of dogs, my cute addorable puppy is 6 months old and he is driving me binkers, if the dog is really that well behaved at 6 months he will be a delightful dog.

The reason people get so angry is that all this information is here and a million other places about how hard puppies are, you would just have to read one page of any new puppy thread. the thing is it does get better, dogs fit in with your life as long as they get enough excerise and training. see how you feel in a week, dont just give the week and say nothing has changed, give it a week, if you feel even slightly better give it another week.
If you got the dog from a reputable breeder they should want the dog back, if they dont they werent a reputable breeder.

Is it worth speaking the breeder now, put her in the picture that you're not coping and may have to the dog rehomed.

If your dh is on leave for the week could you go on your own and stay somewhere so he has to do absolutely everything else for the week and the hours you are at work he has to sit and do nothing so he gets to see what your life really is like?

Ask him if the dog is staying then something needs to give and ask him what should give - perhaps you giving up work?

OP, so sorry to hear you are in this situation. A few thoughts. We are two weeks today from Christmas. Please call the breeder today and find out the situation. If they can take the dog back that's great. However, if they can't or won't, then you will need to be thinking about alternative arrangements, and your week's extension runs out ne week before Christmas. Please, please rethink if you possibly can on the timing of this. At this time of year, rescues are inundated with dogs. I am not suggesting this is your situation but commonly people dump them because they are an inconvenience over Christmas, they are going away and don't want to pay kennel fees, or they simply want to make room for a cuter model. Also many rescues do not let dogs go out to homes over the Christmas period.

i hope very much the breeder can rehome your dog, and if it's possible please do this as soon as possible. If not, there are a number of options open including all breed rescues and breed specific rescues - plenty of us here can help on that but all I ask is that you think about the timing.

Please, please do not advertise your dog on a website, such as Gumtree or Preloved, or do not give the dog to a pound - they have seven days before they can be killed.

Could you afford a dog sitter to have your dog for the day when you want to go out and not worry about when you have to get back? I do this as and when is necessary, and it makes things a lot easier. I would try and hold on until after Christmas and get dh to do all dog related activities as much as possible and then see how you feel. Your dog sounds lovely - it will get easier, honestly.

that sounds like a great idea Zakinthos

notmyname - how are you feeling today? ANy better/worse?

OP - comeback!!! How's things today?

Hope she's ok.

me too - her dh is off this week, let's hope that has made a difference

Thanks for your continued thoughts. Things have moved pretty fast this week. DH realised that I was just too unhappy and that that wasn't going to change so we contacted the breeder to see whether she could help us. The breeder was fanatastic and he was back there within hours. He'd only been away for a bit more than a week and seemed to recognise her, the other dogs and house etc. so seemed happy. The breeder was amazing and I will be forever grateful to her for making such a difficult thing for us as easy as it ever could be. The DCs have forgotten remarkably fast, helped by the many fun distractions at this time of the year. It'll take DH much longer but he's being fantastic at the moment and we're just focussing on moving on, knowing the dog is in a great place too. I feel like a huge bitch, but as much as I can't believe I've done this to my family and a totally gorgeous dog, I don't have any regrets.

Thank you to everyone who was here to help me last week. I don't know quite why I had the reaction I did, but it was so strong and so definite. No regrets. And a lesson learned about dogs and how much I really have to deal with in my life already. As awful as it sounds given the number of people I've hurt, I feel happier and more content now than I did before, feeling more settled with what I've got and knowing it's what we can manage and enjoy.

Thanks for coming back to tell us. I'm glad you are happy with the decision, and glad too for the dog that he could go back to the breeder.

It shows the importance of getting a dog from a responsible breeder. Many people don't, and wouldn't have had that option. Then who knows what would have happened to the dog. Credit to you for getting the dog the right way.

I'm glad your DH has been so understanding. Dogs aren't for everyone. I hope other people who are contemplating a dog will read this thread and learn something from it, whether it confirms their decision for or against acquiring one.

All the best, notmyname!

notmyname I ust typed a really long and intelligent response to your post and MN frigging well 'encountered an error'!
Anyway, in essence, you have made a brave and diff decision as I did when I re-homed our pup. I felt totally out of my depth with it all, wretched, sick, anxious beyond belief. It was horrendous. It was certainly not a normal reaction to puppy ownership imho, as yours was not. My children forgave me pretty quickly too - amazing how resilient and forvinging they can be when needed. Worst thing was they insisted on coming with me to say goodbye to her which was utterly heartbreaking . They never mention her now, ds occasionaly asks when we are getting our forever dog but I ust tell him that we are waiting patiently for the right one to find us. Ironically, I really would love a dog in teh future. But Like you, I didn't realise how much I valued my time and space until it was withdrawn from me. Good luck OP. You could be me! Your dilemma has made me feel better about what happened here. I hope you and your family can enjoy a peaceful Xmas and move forward

I am pleased for you, clearly the right decision and you sound so much happier.
x

I am very, very pleased to hear the breeder has been so responsible, and that this has been resolved so quickly. Keeping everything crossed for pup in the future.

I didn't want a dog, didn't have experience of dogs, and was never particularly fond of dogs, However, after a very long time, my love for our labrador is as deep if not deeper than all the others. it just takes time. now he is ill and the thought of losing him is too much to bear. Don't be too hard on yourself, it is an enormous upheaval to get a dog, which requires so much adjustment to your family. but it really really is so worth it.