Can't bear the dog that my family loves. Please help.

[notmyname11]

DH and I both always wanted a dog. It didn't work out pre-DCs because of our jobs and then the DCs arrived. Whenever we saw a dog we'd sigh and say 'one day' without me really thinking about it. Now that they're the DCs are a bit older (just into school and nursery) and DC1 has fallen for dogs too, after just the tiniest extra push from DH, I said yes to getting one. I made the calls, arranged the visit and we now have a 6 month old pup (he came that age). He is gorgeous, gentle, fun, great with the children - everything we could hope for.

I just hate this though. Really hate it. I thought I had space in my life for a dog, but not only did I overestimate how much time and space I have, I underestimated how much he would require (not just the practical stuff but yet another person to think about all the time). I feel SO stupid saying this as I grew up with a dog, but I now realise how much of it I was shielded from, being a child. I just don't think I can do this. Or rather, I know I have to but realise I really don't want to. I am very ashamed of myself right now for feeling this way, when he has done nothing to deserve this and my family adore him.

While DH does do a fair bit, this is when he can. Ultimately DCs and now the dog are my responsibility. Plus job, plus house, plus our lives in general. I hadn't realised how overwhelmed I would feel with him here and I have started to think the unthinkable and wishing we could just rehome him (I know how appalling this is - I have always believed that a pet is a total responsibility). My family would NEVER forgive me and it would be an ultimately selfish act. I just can't look at him without feeling huge resentment and wanting to burst into tears. How can I make myself feel better about him?

Sorry for the long post. I think I'm starting to lose it.

Oh yes. How I understand that guilty resentment! First, dump the guilt: they are just feelings, you are not dog-abusing by hating him a bit right now

I find myself needing to be honest with dh, and even the kids, about how I sometimes resent our pup and wish we didn't have him - though I have also told them that I'm not going to do anything about it, or get rid of him. It helps to not feel guilty about feeling that way: it is a HUGE adjustment, like having another baby.

As everyone says, time....and a bit of training (like you, we got a good, calm, easy woofer aged nearly 6 months). I'm only 2 months in, and sometimes feel that resentment again but NOT every day anymore - and never with any guilt, which helps.

I think, given how much your dh wanted the dog, it would be good to let him know how overwhelmed you are feeling (if you haven't already) and ask him if there is some way he can take some of the pressure off? Otherwise, if you keep the dog for your family's sake, but are exhausted and miserable, there is the danger of resenting them too - iyswim!

Time really does help, though, I promise. 6 months old is still a pup, and if he is easy now - he'll be so much less work as time goes on. Ours is already easier (more settled, more part of the family) after 2 months.

Keep posting...you are not alone, and you are not losing it

6mo dogs are a PITA. Just hitting adolescence, don't have the cute tiny puppy vibe to get you through the whole thing and generally a nuisance (I have one btw).

And adding a dog to the family is a big shock too. Combine the two, and no wonder you feel like you do.

However, the good thing with dogs is that they do grow so incredibly fast. Another 6 months and your dog will be becoming an adult, another year after that and they will probably be a delight.

They are also infinitely adaptable - so decide where your boundaries are, and stick to them. It is much better to do something 'sub-optimal' which means that you can live with them than to try and do everything perfectly and end up hating them. They really just want to be loved, the rest is icing on the cake!

When I was living with MIL she decided to get a puppy when her cat was ran over, I had a 6mo dd at the time, and obviously it not being my house had no say in the matter.

So Border Collie pup duly arrived, and despite being hyperactive and mental it seemed to fall to me to take her for walks . She was mad, wouldn't toilet train and got totally overexcited at people. I didn't have the knowledge or patience to train her tbh and she chewed everything, mostly my underwear for some reason.

We moved out shortly after and MIL other son moved in who took over the dog and trained her, it made such a difference, she is a fab dog now, not that she wasn't lovely before.

They are total mentalists at that age, kimmy used to launch herself onto my back from the sofa every time I kneeled down to do dd's nappy . A little training goes a very long way though, give it a few more weeks, I'm sure things will settle down.

Notmyname

I felt exactly like you up to the day that I was out walking with DD aged two and the dog. She was in her buggy and we were walking up a small lane to the town. Two very, very drunk and lairy guys were walking towards us and started making comments and generally being twats.

Bella (our dog) stopped in front of the buggy and just gave a very low growl. She had never done this before and has never done it since but boy did they back off.

I have loved her totally since and when DH is away I sleep well. She looks after 'her pack' with no reward other than some food, a bed and a cuddle.

Since then she always stands in front of DD when a 'stranger' like the plumber is round but she never growls - that time she just 'sensed' danger.

Mind you, OP, if you are the one doing all the work with this dog then it would not, actually, be the most evil unreasonable thing in the world for you to say to the family that either everyone else does their share or the dog does get rehomed. I freely admit that I am not a pet person at all - grew up with pets in the family home but have never had one since living independently and never will - but it seems a bit off to me that the person who wanted the pet the least is the one who has to do the majority of the work involved in looking after it, and is expected just to suck that up.

Solid has a point. I was the one who wanted a dog, so I expected to do all the hard work and still found it overwhelming. I don't know if it would've been bearable if I hadn't really wanted him in the first place.

how you feeling today OP?

Sorry, I haven't been back because I'm ashamed to say that despite everyone's kind and reassuring words I'm feeling no better. Worse in fact. I can't even look at the dog without being reminded of what a failure I am for not wanting him and feeling that it would be ok to let the people I love down.

DH knows how I feel and has said that if I really feel like that then so be it, we'll have to find him a new home. We agreed to give it another week though. He is really not happy with the situation though and I am really trying to feel, as so many have said, this is just an adjustment and it will be fine. Every time I think that I can do it, as soon as I look at him, I just know I can't, without hating and resenting every minute of it.

As much as DH can offer to do this, that or the other, the bottom line is that if the dog runs off as we're trying to get out in the morning, DH can't be late so it has to be me dealing with it. I can barely breath out I feel so tense.

DH is worried about me as he thinks it's about more than the dog. I suppose it is, sort of. I hadn't realised how over-full my life was, but that was fine and I was coping. Without the dog I would be fine again. My family will just hate me forever (and everyone here too).

I think you need to hand the responsibility of the dog over to your dh. It's fine to say he can't be late so the dog is your problem but if he really wants the dog then he has to accept that it IS his problem. It's really not fair to give you the sole responsibility for something you can't cope with.

Your last post speaks volumes. If they want to keep the dog they need to take on the responsibility for it.

The reason I we don't have dog (I desperately love dogs) is that I know I'm too lazy and I don't want the work that it involves.

notmyname - I felt EXACTLY like you. I cried and felt overwhelmed, depressed, on the verge of breakdown (which I was!). I felt like an utter failure. I felt wretched. I then decided that we would persevere and keep the dog - she was beautiful. Perfect. But I simply could not do it. I felt so trapped and claustrophobic. Totally disproportionate to what was actually happening. I felt like I had been handed a life sentence! I didn't sleep, I felt anxious beyond belief. I anticipated every worse case scenario. It was a horrible time. I saw all these other people coping with puppies and looking joyous but that was not me. I rehomed the dog 9 days later and my children forgave me fairly quickly. In fact they were amazing. Of course they were very angry and very upset with me. But no more than I was for putting them through it. My 4 yo ds didn't understand at all but he had seen me breaking down and crying so he knew somethig wasn't right. I just couldn't do it. I felt instant relief once I had rehomed her but also enormous guilt and a sense of failure. 6 months on and no one even mentions it. It is not the worst thing you could do as a parent. I hope you can hack it though. I wish I had, but I simply could not at the time

notmyname - you said in your op that you have a job - so why is the responsibility of the dog falling to you? of everything in your op the thing that really stood out to me was "Ultimately DCs and now the dog are my responsibility. Plus job, plus house, plus our lives in general." and of that the last bit particularly stood out - which, tbh, doesn't have much to do with the dog. it sounds to me like the dog has been the straw that broke an already creaking back.

I think you and dh need to do a stock take - not of the impact of the dog on your lives but of everything ("our lives in general") - paid work, the children, housework, all that pesky family/household admin, and the dog. and you need to ask 3 questions - firstly whether the distribution of tasks/stuff is fair; secondly whether small changes to how you do stuff can make a difference - can one of you change your work patterns? wfh is often not the solution but for a dog it can make a big difference - it can help share the responsibility a bit. what abt a change to your sleep patterns - going to bed earlier and getting up earlier could alter the often stressful rhythym of the mornings. school drops offs? any scope for change here? then thirdly - is it the case that there is, simply, too much stuff - so even if it's all fair, and all organised with maximum effciency, it's still too much. If the latter is true then, tbh, I don't know if it's necessarily the dog that has to go (especially as he can give so much pleasure). You don't have to operate on a last-in first-out type basis. Is there something else that can give? cleaning - can you cut down (including thro getting a cleaner); can you give up time at the gym or other activities? (swapped for dog walking)? could a kids activity go? (again, to be swapped with dog walking - I had huge fun taking my 2 to the park with Big Dog and getting them involved in training - much better than many of the class-type activities on offer). Assuming your life was already full before you can't add a dog to your life and expect to continue as before - you can't create time and you'll break yourself trying.

forgive me if none of this fits with your experience and where you are - I just heard a general plea of "too much" not, necessarily a dog-related one. good luck whatever you decide.

God, this could be me. DH wants to get a dog, I don't.
I have made it very clear that it will be his and the dcs responsibility.

my family would never forgive me.. sorry but your family need to put you first in this, your family need to wake up to the fact that you matter, they need to be aware they have put to much on your this time

my family forgave me and they still love me as much

Notmyname, if you've seen my threads here, including the recent one on When does a dog get easy, you'll know i can fully sympathise with you.

I'd second the comments made about you needing more help from DH (I haven't got one of those but if I did, I'd expect 50% dog care would come from him). As a solo mum running a f/t business singlehandly, I HAVE to find ways of managing the puppy's needs around our lives. I HAVE to get myself up pre-dawn/ pre-school run and pre-work to manage everyone's needs.

If your DH were alone - let's imagine you took an extended sabbatical from your family and other committments - then he'd HAVE to fit in DCs and dog as well as work. If you take that as the starting point, (given where you're at with the dog) could you ask him to take over completely, the morning routine with the dog before he rushes off to work? Could you tell him that he needs to get up much earlier to allow for times when dog runs off and HE needs to get dog back before he goes to work? I have to make time for these eventualities or say what happens when I add a sick child into the mix.

He COULD do more, as many solo parents do everything. I know you're a wroking team and he's not alone and nor are you - but he may need to move beyond his comfort zone for now and take over more responsibility for the dog, given he wants to keep it. Is he prepared to do this? Is he happy to get up at 4.45am and get himself ready for work and then do all the morning dog stuff, whilst you focus say on the DCs - or could he even do dog, self AND DCs whilst you have a more leisurely start. Then maybe you'd do more during the day - IF/when you're not working and you'd jointly share the w/es, each getting equal time off dog duty/ DCs etc and having some down time for you?

Don't forget that BOTH of your are working - even if he works more outside the home/ more paid work. You're working as a housekeeper, a dog sitter, a child carer etc etc - and just because this isn't paid work doesn't mean it isn't work. In fact it's often much more demanding emotionally and mentally that a lot of paid employment!

solo - is anybody happy to get up at 4:45am?!?!?!

crossedwires thank you so much for your post in particular. That is EXACTLY where I am right now. I appreciate everything everyone is suggesting about changing things with how we manage our lives and DH doing more. The thing is that we were fine without the dog. I'm fine with what I do and DH needs the time and space for a long commute to a stressful job. It is wholly unrealistic to change that and tbh I felt I was doing a good job and supporting him and our family, as well as starting to find a bit of space for me. I now just feel shit.

We were out this afternoon buying a Christmas tree and for a bit I forgot about the dog and I felt fine. I felt hungry for the first time in days and realised I've eaten virtually nothing in a week and started to feel my shoulders coming down. I then, of course, remembered and it all started again.

"I felt hungry for the first time in days and realised I've eaten virtually nothing in a week and started to feel my shoulders coming down. I then, of course, remembered and it all started again"

Sorry but there is more than just a dog involved here. It sounds to me as if your life is pretty much on the edge and the dog has just shown you how fragile the whole edifice has become. Could you be depressed?

But it sounds as if the dog will bear the brunt. So just get on with it and 'rehome' the poor bloody animal. Get it over with.

notmyname - i didn't eat either. - I felt sick to the pit of my stomach. I not only felt shit about how i felt but also about how I knew i would make everyone else feel. It was a lose lose situation whichever way I turned. It was dreadful, really dreadful! I to-ed and fro-ed day in day out and tried so very hard to get myself to a good place emotionally and put things in perspective (I really did know I was overreacting in a normal world) and I did love our pup as she was beautiful in every way. But i felt like I had messed everything up. Life was just becoming settled and then I screwed it all up by getting a bloody puppy!!!If I went out I felt like i had to rush back, I felt totally crucified wth angst. I couldn't get rational with it at all. I came on here and got some good advice , same as you are now, but when I said that I simply could not cope and that I had rehomed pup (very responsibly), I was absolutely shot down in flames here to the point that MNHQ intervened, the thread was deleted and I received a dozen PM's telling me they did not support the treatment I had received on here. I do hope hyou get some peace of mind, but I found that i obsessed about all the cons of dog ownership and i just felt helpless, overwhelmed and completely adn totally trapped

Do you feel enormously relieved when you think it might be for just another week?
I don't think it necessarily means there's something else drastically wrong with your life I think it just means you've made a dreadful mistake, you know it, you know you can't carry on and it's hard to see a way out.
We've all been there to a greater or lesser extent.
Your family will still love you.
Rehome the dog, get your life back. Just tell people it didn't work out.

Ormirian my angst was definitely symptomatic of deeper issues and I did infact seek counselling to help me through other issues. My dh died suddenly and unexpectedly n traumatic circumstances only 12 mths earlier. Maybe you should look a bit deeper too

Ormirian - I meant that OP should maybe look a bit deeper for the cause of her disproportionate angst, not you

Look the bottom line is it's only a fucking dog. It's not as important as you are. It is not worth making yourself this wretched. The dog will not suffer if you find it a good home: if anything it would be better for the dog to go and live somewhere it is genuinely welcomed, rather than staying with you when its presence is making you so miserable.

pepperrabbit - that's what I had to do. My mistake was not in rehoming our pup, it was in getting her in the first place.