You know you have a dog when...

[mrsfred]

...at six o'clock on a Friday evening, dark and p**ing down with rain, you feel the need to go out for a walk.

You come down in the morning to find vomitted rabit entrails on the curtains

you have to explain to your boss during your weekly phone meeting what the odd snuffling, grunting, licky noises are!

You find yourself playing fetch with your toddler and telling her to sit. And asking the puppy to say please and thank you.

You have to explain to shocked guests that the dodgy-looking rubber cones lying around the kitchen are in fact Kongs.

Your (estate!) car develops a deep litter arrangement of dog beds, towels, fleeces, muzzles, poo bags, dog treats, spare leads, water bowls, spare towels, spare dog beds and so on that would be of interest to Time Team. Glove compartment has more poo bags, dog treats and baby wipes.

YOu spend hours on the internet looking at collar porn/um, essential equipment for your dogs.

Your vet's number is on speed dial on all phones.

Your garage is full of sacks of kibble.

You develop an unhealthy and definately pathological interest in their poo.

When other people look at property porn in Sunday supplements they look at gracious drawing room, elegant proportions. You imagine extra sofas for sighthounds, and paddocks for greyhound play dates.

You spend more money on dog walking stuff than any other part of your wardrobe - ruefully stares at large collection of boots, fleeces, waterproofs, gilets, jackets etc for all climatic conditions while vaguely remembering past life of interest in accessories, high heels and actually NOT MISSING IT.

You start to spell out certain words that cannot be said out loud
C-A-T
W-A-L-K

I often ask my husband if the "dee" has had a "dubbleyou"

You may not have a skeleton in your cupboard but you do have a bag of bones in the freezer

You wake up next to a whiskery face, snoring, farting and with big rough feet prodding you, and remember DH is working away...

You wake up next to a whiskery face, snoring, farting and with big rough feet prodding you, and remember DH is working away...

lol scuttlebutler, I know that one!

Your children know to keep anything remotely sentimental or chewable in their bedrooms and nowhere near downstairs as the new puppy is arriving in 2 weeks and everything is a puppy chew toy!

when you have to pull some plastic object out of your dogs arse you comiserate with him rather than wanting to lock him in the cellar

When your hall curtains are tied in a knot during the day so the pup doesn't play tug-o-war with them.

When you have a small collection of stones and twigs on the kitchen table that have been confiscated .....

When you have a small collection of stones and twigs on the kitchen table that have been confiscated .....

in my house that signifies child, not dog!

When you are out without the dog but still looking out for any other dogs/ cats/ squirrels...

When hearing the postman involves a race to the door if you want to read the mail un-chewed (or don't want your birthday/ Christmas cards on the mantelpiece to be covered in sticky tape and tooth marks).

When you get home from knitting group and the four loo rolls from the top of the cistern in the downstairs loo are shredded all over the carpet.

When your children are 13, 15 and 17, and you have had to get a bloody stairgate to stop someone going upstairs and eating the catfood.

When you laugh about the concept of an animal that eats its own poo and the poo of any farmyard/wild animal it finds, instead of throwing up.

Oh - and when you need three washing up brushes, because the dog is always nicking them and chewing them, and when the answer to 'Where's the oven glove?' is not 'On the kitchen worktop/hung on the oven door' but 'Out on the lawn, where the dog has put it!!'

you push any food or plates left on the kitchen table to the middle, even if you're only leaving the room for 30 seconds

baby-led weaning becomes baby-led dog feeding

you start whistling for your toddler

Runner, we had this problem . After the incident of the Distress Paint from QVC, we got a post box outside the front door (ordered it from Amazon). It has made our postie's and our lives much easier, we can read letters, bills (boo!) and cards, but our resident post muncher thinks we are cruel heartless owners. I use less sellotape now too.

Oh yes we have a stairgate too and our ds is 8.......

When there are more dog stoys strewn around the house than kids toys

When you get a wonderful greeting even if you've only popped back because you've forgotten something.....

As previously mentioned...you spell out certain words and discover they can spell?

when you go to get your library card out of your bag and pull a poo bag out instead

when you have to spell out certain types of food because if the dog heres them he goes mental.

When you discover the dog has learnt how to spell

when picking up poo off the pavement seems like a normal daily activity and it doesn't bother you in the slightest.

When you think you have found a secret stash of sweets in your jacket pocket, only to discover they are dog treats!

Pah!

When you go into the kitchen in the dead of the night and stand in something squidgy.

musicmadness - yes! I am constantly pulling poo bags out along with my purse and dropping them all over the Co-op!

When you refer to your car as the Dogwagon and stop bothering to apologise to occasional passengers about the amount of hair on the backseat - no tail = no right to complaint!

When the 'scent' of even the beastliest dog fart doesn't faze you, although could knock out a heavyweight boxer...

you car is full of sand.