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Telly addicts

Wednesday night, sending your child, aged 8 to boarding school, do tell me about it as i won't be able to watch!!!

582 replies

piratecat · 09/02/2010 22:39

I couldn't even watch the trailer for it without wanting to weep!

OP posts:
LastTrainToGeneva · 12/02/2010 21:32

hf, to be honest, I can't say what you or lady A or lady B should do. If it was me, then I would live near my mum and my dh would come to see me. And if my husband didn't understand that then he wouldn't be my husband any more iyswim. But that is just me. It would require something very very horrible to make me give up the company of my child (overnight stays with relatives, sleepovers, etc all excluded!). Something like being a Londoner during the Blitz perhaps, when children were sent off to country houses. That would be to protect the child's life, so yes in that circumstance, I would send my child away. But not for any other reason!

WomanwiththeYellowHat · 12/02/2010 21:35

Brahms - I don't normally enter into these discussions but I for one would have had no idea of the depth and power of love I would feel for my girls until they were here.

Those on this thread who have had to make the tough choices (either way) about boarding school for their kids have acknowledged that it is nowhere hear as cut and dried as it may look to you from where you sit at the moment.

hf128219 · 12/02/2010 21:41

Lasttrain - it becomes even more complicated though. If the husband stays at his base he would have to live in the Mess - he wouldn't be entitled to a house.

Then the poor guy has to not only live apart from his family but in a single (more than likely cold) room all alone. On top of that the other guys in the Mess will be a lot younger and single.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/02/2010 21:45

Dora, that's sort of my point though. People don't want to send their children because they would miss them - and that's absolutely fine and a valid reason. If it's going to make you miserable then don't do it. But it is possible for parents to really miss their kids while the kids are off having a great time. I'm just basing that on my own experience and the other people I know who boarded. Loads of them look back on their time at school as the best time of their lives, much more fun than e.g. Fresher's Week of uni.

LastTrainToGeneva · 12/02/2010 21:45

hf, this is obviously personal to you, and I don't want to go on rubbing salt on your wounds. I can only tell what I would do, but that does not make me the all-powerful, all-knowing guru of parenting. Like DorasBackpack said, parents have not made the decision casually. I cannot comprehend their decision, and I maintain that boarding school provides neither emotional security not stability, but that does not make parents of boarders evil. I truly cannot see the benefit of boarding school, especially when it is not really needed, but I will not condemn the parents, especially the mother, for whom it can never be an easy decision (Brahms' fabulously ignorant statement notwithstanding).

hf, I can't remember if you were a boarder yourself or your children are boarders, but if you are convinced that is right for you and your family, please don't think you have to justify yourself to strangers on the internet.

hf128219 · 12/02/2010 21:50

Lasttrain - my dd is 2! A little too young to board methinks! I was a boarder (not a Forces family) and I loved it.

LastTrainToGeneva · 12/02/2010 21:57

Ah, then I can bait you without feeling guilty

I know some people love boarding (lucky you!) but they must be the naturally confident outgoing sort of people, the natural leaders. If you go into a dorm and make yourself the leader, then it is a very attractive situation n'est-ce pas? For the remaining 90% it is not a good place to be and nothing will convince me otherwise. Seeing my dad's relationship with his family is enough to make me hate boarding. It's not that they disliked each other, just that they had no cache of shared memories to draw from to stay close as adults. Boarding school has a lot to answer for in his case!

MarshaBrady · 12/02/2010 22:02

Boarding had the opposite effect on me and my siblings. We couldn't be closer, even though we live in different places globally. Shared experience and all that!

It is a good place to be when you enjoy it. Post 15 I had a great time with friends, and was glad I boarded. Plus the school was better than the local one. Maybe that's why I'm not upset with the parents, I understood why they did it.

LastTrainToGeneva · 12/02/2010 22:03

Brahms, people don't want to send their kids to BS, not because they would miss them (which is a given) but because they don't think most 8-year olds have the emotional maturity to cope with homesickness and life without mum and dad. As others have said, secondary school boarding is a different matter as the children are more likely to deal with separation easily.

Now, please don't come back and say that just because you never missed your mum, it must be that all children don't miss their mums and it is a myth propagated by anxious helicopter parents

hf128219 · 12/02/2010 22:10

Lasttrain - so, why, in your opinion do people send their children to boarding school?

LastTrainToGeneva · 12/02/2010 22:14

erm, for the reasons you mentioned? Because they think they're providing them with stability or the right start in life? (misguided in my opinion, but valid reasons nonetheless.) There are others like me who do not have to make the "stability decision" and no promises of the "right start in life" will separate them from an 8-year old.

Like I said, 11 or 15 year olds is a completely different matter.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/02/2010 22:14

I said myself that 8 was in most cases too young. But I can't believe that the fact that you will miss your kids does not even occur as a factor, and I never it shouldn't occur. Knowing that you will really really miss them is a perfectly valid reason not to send them.

hf128219 · 12/02/2010 22:17

Fair enough! I am just curious as this subject has ignited a lot of emotions in some.

Is it really that bad? Are children damaged?

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 12/02/2010 22:18

so what do you all think april's mum in particular should have done? i don't for a second deny that it is great for some kids, clearly it is, there is testimony to that effect on here.

but april didn't like it, even by the end she didn't know why parents send their kids away. she wept and sobbed and was inconsolable for months, until the institution overwhelmed her feelings. would you happy ex-boarders be happy to do that to your child, on the grounds that you'd expect them to have a good time over the piece?

BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/02/2010 22:22

Aitch is that to me?

hf128219 · 12/02/2010 22:24

I am sorry to say this but April's mum is a typical Army wife. Relatively bright, but not very clever. No life (or career) of her own. Her life revolves around her husband and children - she doesn't know any better.

She does what she thinks is best.

MarshaBrady · 12/02/2010 22:24

I think at 8 a child would most likely be damaged, yes.

12 is exceptable, not 8.

MarshaBrady · 12/02/2010 22:25

Geez did I just say that. Acceptable!!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/02/2010 22:28

sorry just seen you said 'what do you all think?'

I think that they shouldn't have left her there. She wasn't just a little bit weepy, she was full-on sobbing and inconsolable, which is far beyond normal homesickness imo. I've been told that her belief that the rocking horse was a real horse isn't that immature for an 8 year old, but I still think she was a sensitive little soul and leaving her there wasn't on. I think it could easily have been damaging to her.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/02/2010 22:29

I think April's mum was probably very influenced by what her husband and family thought i.e. boarding school is the best start for everyone, that she will get over the homesickness etc. I may be going a bit far but it may even have been that she wasn't 'allowed' to take April out.

coffeeaddict · 12/02/2010 22:40

Just out of interest, what about a child who weeps and sobs every day at a normal state school? Do you take them out of school altogether? (personally yes I would consider this as have always loved the idea of home school. ) Or do you give them coping techniques (as they did in that programme), try to distract them and say 'You'll get used to it'? Would you castigate a mother who did and talk about long term psychological damage? And if not, why not?

I can remember all the mothers being told 'say goodbye and walk away quickly' when leaving DCs at school for first time. Some children found it v hard to settle. But we all agreed 'they'll adjust, they'll love it'. And sure enough they did - or seemed to. But how do we really know??

Isn't it completely arbitrary how we as a society have delineated what is 'acceptable' distress and separation 'for the good of our children'? Any school is a form of institutionalisation to some extent, after all.

I find it fascinating how everyone here assumes without question that the status quo (day school, start at four, three terms) must be fine because we all do it. As I said before I think there is a massive spectrum and all forms of education, childcare etc fall on it somewhere, with attachment parenting/home school at one end and boarding school/holiday guardian at the other. But how people can be so sure they've chosen exactly the right place on the spectrum... I really don't know.

NotAnOtter · 12/02/2010 22:42

yyyeee ouch hf

NotAnOtter · 12/02/2010 22:43

very true coffee addict

LastTrainToGeneva · 12/02/2010 22:49

coffeeaddict, that is a good question!

When dd was 11 months old, I was scheduled to go back to work full-time (part-time had been refused by my company). DD did not settle in daycare. She cried every day when I left her and would not be consoled. And it wasn't just being sad, it was full-blown sobbing like April. Nursery said she would settle, but when she hadn't improved after five weeks, I quit my job, took her out, and set up my own freelance practice (I'm an architect) at home. When she was 2.5 years, I enrolled her in preschool (or playgroup) and this time she settled within two weeks and there were very few tears even in that settling-in period. She is very very happy now and asks every night if there is school tomorrow [aww emoticon]

So, in my case, yes I would take her out if she didn't settle in daycare/state nursery/school within a reasonable amount of time (obviously not straight away!)

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 12/02/2010 22:51

is everyone going along with that, though, coffeeaddict? i think that's your assumption, tbh. i've already said that i can see your point re early nursery education, so i didn't send my child until she was two. i never went along with what i agree was the standard advice to 'keep walking' if she cried, because i really felt it was a betrayal to the trust that she has in me to do right by her. i'm fortunate, though, that i work from home so i have that luxury (although it is why i work until three am a lot of the time).

i think that the nursery and day school issue is on the same paradigm as the boarding school one, but not the same. i would assert that it is different for a five year old to be left at day school, because by that age they do know that they aren't being abandoned and can talk about it, but yes, i would be in turmoil if my child was going into school and being miserable every day. i think i would make drastic changes, tbh.

like i say, i judge the school more than the mother in this particular instance.