A Paedophile in Family- Surviving Dad

[Newcastle2023]

Did anyone else watch this?

Cant imagine the horrors confusion and splitting the poor girl went through.

I hope it was a good decision to do the programme, i would hate to think poor woman deteriorates after

Thought the mum seemed a bit odd ? Obv the dad was off the scale. Just awful

I thought she was very brave to make the programme and hope it does encourage a conversation. The statistic about 1 in 20 children being abused was mind blowing.

I thought Emily was lovely and so brave. I hope she can have a happy life. She seems to be a great mum. Did she have a partner?

Her father must have been some kind of psychopath to feel little remorse and try to blame it on a two year old, FGS! He shouldn't have been released so soon, at least I hope he is being monitored.

The mother was pathetic, she really let her daughter down. Why did she never question anything? 'You should never feel bad, don't feel guilty' she tells Emily before hugging her. No, Emily has nothing to feel bad for, she was a child, BUT YOU BLOODY DO! You failed to protect your daughter, you useless woman. Poor Emily.

I've name-changed for this for obvious reasons. Every time schools do the "speak out to stay safe" NSPCC campaign, pupils come forward as they're given the courage to speak out against abuse at home. Every time though it's eventually thrown out of court as not enough evidence and the abusers are let off. What message does this send out to children? Schools are doing all they can, with highly trained staff in safeguarding, but this is then not supported by the court system. As a Headteacher, I'm exasperated by this and fear that nothing will change and this horrific abuse will continue.

@sellotaperolls how awful. The courts are not fit for purpose in so many ways, are they?

But please tell me that as a result of the investigation the victim/child doesn't have to still have contact with their abuser? Even if the abuser is not prosecuted or gets off? Or does literally nothing happen? Dreadful if so.

I watched this last night. The mum didn't seem to really understand that she failed to protect Emily.

The other guy was Emily's stepdad.

I wanted to know more about the prosecution etc. did the mum divorce him in prison etc?

I also thought the friends mum was interesting. She had a vibe about him but couldn't put her finger on it.

Also the headteacher. Should have admitted signs were missed.

It’ll really depend on how supportive their family etc. are. Unfortunately it’s pretty common for the family to rally round the abuser and refuse to believe that they’ve done anything wrong, especially if the police or a court decides there isn’t enough evidence for a prosecution.

I hope it was a good decision to do the programme, i would hate to think poor woman deteriorates after

I haven't seen the show but I heard her interviewed about it on woman's hour. She definitely sounded like she felt it was a good thing to do.

The fact that the mum went onto have another relationship with a man makes me feel a bit sick tbh. Given her mum was completely oblivious to what her husband was doing if I was Emily I wouldn't trust the mum or step dad anywhere near my son.

And yy to the friends mum, I always listen to my intuition especially around men and I've always been right....

Terrible @Igotjelly and if the parents were separated would the courts give the abuser contact time or anything? I wouldn't put it past them.

I did wonder if Emily's parents had separated and this could be one reason why he got away with it for longer. But like a lot of things in Channel 4 documentaries this was never clearly explained. I also wonder what happened re the foster children. Would a single dad be allowed to foster?

Considering those who have been accused of other types of abuse get contact time leads me to believe they probably would allow it if the person wasn’t prosecuted. It may be I guess that it would be supervised or in a contact centre but still pretty awful.

I think this is so easy to say with hindsight. But she had no reason to distrust him. Her daughter was smiley, doing well at school and her husband was a feckless charmer who made sure she was out at work all day every day and played Disney Dad at home. He was seen in the community as a wonderful, charismatic and caring man who fostered kids while his wife went out to work. How modern, how feminist.

The mum came home after long hours at work each day, tired and a bit disconnected as the WOH parent often is. She's worried about money, her husband is one of those men who make the whole family dance to his tune. You don't stop to analyse. She sees her busy chaotic family as normal - three kids, a dog, a cat, her daughter's swimming galas and awards for doing well at school. So many small, immediate things to think about that you don't have time to stop and reflect. She probably thought she was a daddy's girl because he was the SAH parent. She probably trusted him. He might not have mentioned if his daughter was off school again. the school didn't raise it as an issue and even if they had - who do they usually contact - the SAH parent!

I think she had no idea because it's not something that would occur to you. If you have no knowledge of this sort of behaviour you don't know the signs and he concealed them so well. He will have gradually normalised his behaviour and given reasons for it. Like taking her away for her 18th - I bet he claimed she'd always wanted to go to NYC but they can't afford for all of them to go and mum is working shifts so...

I think the mother felt terrible about it - far more deeply than she could ever show on screen. We shouldn't blame the women for the monstrous man.

As someone who experienced the same, I am saddened that 90% of the comments are speaking poorly of the mum. I suppose that is to be expected, given the demographic here. I kind of get it though, some things are so incredulous that your mind goes how? How is that possible? And you need to think it can’t be possible as a way of surviving yourself and a way of coping with this information as a mum.

The mum is not to blame here. Period.

This lady has done something incredible here - she has literally changed my life - I have been carrying this guilt and shame that it was my fault and I ruined my mum’s life and my family’s life all this time - she felt the same way as me but it’s not true. It’s not our fault and it’s not anyone’s fault except the person that did it.

@Maddoghouse - I am so glad the programme helped you. That is exactly what she hoped it would do. I hope you can get some proper support to process what happened to you.

@NeverendingCircus I totally agree. The mum was also a victim of his and he kept her isolated and having to do all the thinking about money etc. so she was constantly distracted. I think the friend's mum alluded to the vast control he had on the whole house.

@NeverendingCircus finally a sensible comment about the mother! Thank you.

@NeverendingCircus I completely agree and was coming on to say similar but you've articulated just what I was thinking.

I would have liked the documentary to touch on the brothers and also the foster children. Plus, more detail on how she came to report it and the reaction from the family. I assume the mother believed her? We don't know who she reported it to initially.

People saying they don't underdstand the mother.

Although a minority, women can also be paedophiles. My late mother, grandmother, and apparently, great grandmother all either procured children to be abused or let their sons abuse their daughters ie their sisters.

Fwiw, both my mother and grandmother were pillars of their local CofE. Mother was even a sidesman.

I felt the same way. Couldn’t put my finger on why but it just seemed off.

Emily is a remarkable lady, I wish her all the very best for her future.

I thought the same. Because:

he told her during the reading of her father's transcript that he wanted to give her a hug, which he should see is a red-flag. A man in power (he has her father's words in his possession) dealing with a vulnerable woman telling her he wants to touch her when her issue is that a man in power touched her when she was vulnberable. Can he not see how inappropriate that is? FFS.

And he told her she was amazing - or similar. He praised her. Which may sound like a nice thing to do but it's an evaluation and he's not there to judge her and share his findings, he's there to politely give her what she asks for.

Worst of all, he went in for a hug when they said goodbye - which in the circumstances I think is deeply inappropriate - he could have offered to shake her hand, and then there was a moment in the hug when she pulled back a fraction and he pulled her back into the hug, which made my stomach turn. Whereas when the female officer hugged her, she did that back pat thing which is very maternal and nurturing and allowed the hug to end when Emily chose.

I just felt extreme sadness for her Mum. I think if her Dad had taken part in the programme, it may have shown what a master manipulator he is and added that balance.

@Maddoghouse I hope you have the support you need.

I'm sure when she was speaking to the police she asked who the initial report came from and they said it was from her mum. So I assumed she confided in her mum and she told the police.

I agree with the comment above regarding her mother. She seemed broken and is obviously eaten up by guilt. I also suspect that she had no idea that Emily was absent from school so much. The school didn't raise any concerns. She was excelling academically and the headteacher even said that with it being a nice rural middle-class area no one had any suspicions. I hope the school is better at safeguarding today. I imagine it all came as a total shock to her mother.

Is the MIC chap a foster child of the family?

Precocious sexuality is the result of child abuse, not the cause.

I haven't seen this programme, but I'm going to see if it's still available.

I felt sorry for her mother, I think she just trusted her husband totally, we shouldnt blame her for not being able to think the unthinkable,
What surprised me most if that the offender thought the police would sympathise with him and see him as a victim of the child, he is vomit.

I am going to watch this.

As a "survivor" of childhood SA I do wonder how my mother and brothers didn't see what was happening to my sisters and I.

When we finally disclosed to our brothers a few years ago, they were initially supportive, devastated and angry. It took time for them to get their heads around it.
Since then, one brother has cut contact with us all (I respect his ability to make choices of his own) a second brother who was very close to our father has went low contact and is struggling with his own mental health and guilt issues and a third remains supportive.

Our mother was never confronted. She was diagnosed with dementia and is in a care home. They split (when we were adult) and she never gave any indication whatsoever that she was aware of the abuse that spanned decades.

We have no contact with him now we're adults, my brothers did confront him after we disclosed. He said he didn't touch us, them said we belonged to him so he could do what he wanted.

I am sorry for posting too much info and apologise if I trigger anyone, it creeps up on me. (Yes, I have had intensive counselling and have the best most understanding husband on the planet)