Psychology of Amanda’s mum from Motherland

[verytired42]

Just watched the Christmas special. One of the things I was puzzled by is why Amanda’s mother is so awful to her. It’s not that it is unbelievable - I’ve observed behaviour like this - I’m just not sure why you’d do it to your kid. Any insights?

I don't know. MIL behaves a bit like this towards DH, although not quite as toxic.

I know she was the youngest of 4, the others were several years older and parents were quite hands off. She was teased quite badly but nothing I ever heard sounded that awful.

She has said that she only wanted one child so that they could never be bullied by siblings, but she seems to have more than made up for that by her own behaviour over the years!

I would guess that it's some deep seated sense of inferiority that can only be tackled by undermining someone else.

Joanna is chillingly brilliant in that role though, but the dynamic of staying so close to your ex son in law and his new family might get interesting in future!

I would guess that it's some deep seated sense of inferiority that can only be tackled by undermining someone else.

This. Their entire lives have been aspiring to money and material possessions, competition, no true friendships just ‘connections’, and parents dumping them in boarding school. They don’t know how else to behave even to their own kids.

I think they suggest in the writing of Motherland that she's projecting and compensating for a lot of her own insecurities. E.g. she goes on and on about Amanda being divorced but she herself is single. The comments about Amanda's looks and weight are her making herself feel better. I think it's also strongly implied - and I've seen this in real life too - that that's why Amanda is so competitive and difficult with other women, it's learned behaviour.

Narrative, Amanda became a sympathetic character so they needed a more horrible character to attract the ire and judgement that Amanda did previously.

in real life? Narcissist, abusers and people who have been abused so badly that they don’t know what is actually normal nice behaviour, and repeat the cycle.

My friends mum is like Amanda’s mum. It’s so odd and sad to watch. Constant sniping at her, it’s like she can’t be kind to her.

Thanks this is interesting - kind of shocking to do it to your own flesh and blood though.

I've grown to love Amanda.

I think jealousy and sadly some people seem to exist to put others down. It's vile

I wonder if she's jealous ? Amanda is younger and prettier and looks like she has it all.

@America12 if she wasn’t her mum I would say yes but as her mum she would know how difficult Amanda was going to find meeting her ex’s new wife and how tough things were financially. Unless Amanda lies to her to protect herself of course.

Jealousy - if you have always been prized for your beauty it must be really hard to see your daughter blooming when you are visibly aging. Not that its ok, but I htink that is part of it. My mother was a bit like this, although she grew out of it when she was elderly.

Some women’s whole lives are just one big competition with all the other women around them - daughters do not come out unscathed

Yes , that was just spiteful.

I know a man who is a bit like this to all his (adult) kids, but mainly to his son. It is very uncomfortable to be around. He is an elderly man now and still at it. I don't know where it comes from but he is very much a bully

If you go over to the stately homes thread on relationships you'll find real-life examples of Amanda's mother described by many a mumsnetter.

I think women see their children as an extension of themselves and so if they are hard on themselves, perfectionists, deeply critical of their own perceived flaws. By extension they also treat their children in the same way.

I have a work colleague who is so, so hard on herself and that spills out into being hard on others around her. Particularly her adult dd who is incredibly sweet natured but massively lacks confidence.

My friend has a mum like this. She stays friends with the exh, to a deep cost to my friend/her daughter. She comments on her weight and appearance. My own Mum has traits of it but not as obvious. I think it's women of that age who traded on their looks to get on in the world at a time when sexism and misogeny was overt. They've internalised it a lot and yes, jealousy of their daughters about youth and attractiveness definitely a factor.

My mum is like this.

Has to make negative comments about me. My weight, my hair, my skin if I’ve had a breakout.

She tried it with DS but I shot her down.

She just really enjoys being unpleasant about other people. Often people on the television (most recently Charlie Dimmock who has had the nerve to get older and not be how she looked 20 years ago).

But sometimes people she see’s while she’s out and about. Everyone’s fair game. Most memorable was a woman who hadn’t noticed the ramp in our local Whetherspoon and was bumping her pushchair up the three stairs.

My mum (gob on a stick) shouts out; “Well, she is BLONDE…”

I’m naturally blonde, she insulted a few people with that one.

Worst part is she laughs and looks around as though we’re all joining in the laughter. No one is, it’s just her.

My dad enables her. Anyone who gets upset about her comments is told they’re ‘too sensitive’.

My parents also stayed in contact with my abusive ex because he was ‘so charming’.

They offered for him to move in with them because the poor lamb couldn’t look after himself after I left.

When I told them we were splitting up my dad rang me and told me I couldn’t leave him because my mum was ‘crying’.

Yup. I was expected to stay with an abusive man because it made my mum happy.

Sorry, that turned into a rant.

@LadyChamberlain thank you - I do lurk there sometimes. It’s not that I find her unbelievable - more uncomfortably familiar - I suppose that’s why I want to understand her motivation.

My mum is also like this. Not everyday. Just on the days she feels bad about herself so how very dare anyone else be happy. So your guard is always up. Obviously it was ramped up for comedic purposes but lots of mums are like this.

God, are you my secret sister or something? That's my mum to a T too. I have tried to rationalise it in the past and I think it's partly because she has always struggled with her weight and has to deprive herself on a daily basis to stay even slimmish. So perhaps she's pointing out what she sees as other people's flaws (including mine) to make herself feel better. I can't be arsed with constant self-denial and am therefore fat which I think she sees as a moral failing. I see a lot of her attitude in some of the comments on any given MN thread about weight, actually.

Unfortunately I understand it all too well.
My mum had a very difficult start (grandma got pg while grandad was away during the war) and she was always an outsider. She was very beautiful though and that was her “thing”. She doesn’t like other women really and sees them all as rivals to be demolished, which is a bit of a joke these days to be frank. She tried with me, a few nasty comments about my appearance or the wish to burst any bubble while forgiving my brother anything. She generally behaves now but does say some mean things about her grand daughters while worshipping her grandsons, which I dont tolerate.
The sad thing is I think she really does love us all but just can’t help herself and as she’s got older and more I’ll and can’t do much she has just got more bitter, she loves to go on about how old I am for example (30 years younger than her)
Like Amanda’s Mum she manages to do it all “from a place of concern” and not everyone can spot it - it took DH a few years

Yep @Hoppinggreen the place of concern! My mum does this. She does love me but favours my brother. She wouldn't understand it if I ever pointed out how she puts me down. Things like I have a raised mole or whatever they're called on my face. It's 'such a shame ' I have it according to her. ( It's a bloody shame she had to comment on it at all imo). Or she'll comment on my weight and say.. she's sure I'll be able to lose it...I'm not on a diet and have no intention of being on one. Or if I reasonably am pissed off about something I am labelled as depressed...which I am not.

And she always points out the negatives in boyfriends... presenting her sleuth like evidence of why none of them loved me. Makes me feel worthless.

I don't normally watch Motherland regularly but watched some of S3 incl the Christmas episode over the past few days. There was a line that really stood out for me 'not every mum is a Marion' . I'm afraid my Mum, with whom I'm currently NC, is much like Amanda's mother.
I normally don't like Amanda's character, but seeing her going through a difficult divorce with an ex husband who is moving on all very quickly against a backdrop of an unsupportive mother made
me see her in a different light.