Relax wenches... I have just written S3...
To begin with…
One off Christmas Musketeer special to be shown Christmas Eve 2015 – All four Muskeboys and Treville climb down every chimney in Paris where a lone female lives and give her the Christmas present of a lifetime. This would of course mean that they would be too knackered to protect the King but who gives a fuck anyway?!
Start of series proper…
Episode 1 in which Treville is re-instated as Captain of the Musketeers after winning three successive games of ‘Spot the Carrot in the Marketplace’ – an early take on Where’s Wally - against Rochefort who is hampered by now only having one good eye. The King is mightily impressed and makes Treville his First Minister too after demoting Rochefort to Chief Arse Wipe for the Dauphin.
Episode 2 in which Athos announces his intention to resign his commission and take up a day-time position as a marriage guidance counsellor to the nobility and as a volunteer at the Paris branch of Alcoholics Anonymous during the evenings.
Treville claims to have accepted Athos’ decision but decides not to make it official unless Athos makes it through the first week.
Treville is proved to be a wise man after Athos returns to the garrison at the end of his first day having been fired for advising all of his clients not to hang their wives unless it is absolutely unavoidable and, if that be the case, to be sure to do it themselves and not trust the task to the local blacksmith. Having been fired he fails to turn up to take charge of his first AA meeting because he is down at the tavern getting plastered.
Episode 3 in which Aramis is dispatched to take charge of an investigation at a young ladies’ finishing school after the principal – a cousin of the King – is discovered totally naked and dead in his bed.
A week later, Athos, Porthos and d’Artagnan are dispatched to find out why it is taking so long for Aramis to find out what happened only to find themselves following a trail of young ladies under garments to Aramis’ room where they discover him totally naked and almost dead in his bed from total exhaustion.
The musketeers conclude that the young ladies must have been the cause of the principal’s demise as they had almost been the cause of Aramis’ The three drag Aramis from his bed and back to the garrison for a well earned rest in a different bed and without female company.
Episode 5 in which Porthos is dispatched to the country after the Czech Carrot Growers Association send a note advising that due to a mysterious carrot blight the entire crop has been lost and there will therefore be no carrots for the marketplace this year.
Thankfully Porthos returns a few days later with the welcome news that not only have Iceland confirmed they will be opening a Paris branch in order to provide the populace with the frozen variety of aforementioned vegetable but also that Peter Andre will be joining the cast as a spare Musketeer!
Episode 6 in which d’Artagnan decides to try on one of Connie’s best Disney princess floaty dresses. Thinking it rather suits him he goes for a wander around the palace to see if anybody notices.
The rather sweet physician who had proposed to and been turned down by Connie sees d’Artagnan and is overcome with love and lust and proposes that they set up home together. d’Artagnan is more than happy with the proposition and they rent a small apartment halfway between the garrison and the palace thereby giving them each a reasonable commute to work.
Constance is furious! She has not only lost both men but also her favourite floaty princess dress.
Episode 7 in which Milady takes her revenge on Athos. Having dragged him yet again back to Pinon she ties him to a bed naked and continually throws buckets of water over him. Athos has no lines to speak he simply lies there moaning. Nothing else to this particular episode just wet, naked, moaning Athos tied to a bed. (Shallow yes but I’d watch it for an hour!)
Episodes 8, 9 and 10 repeat as per episode 7 but with wet, naked, moaning Aramis, wet, naked, moaning Porthos and finally wet, naked squealing – sorry - moaning d’Artagnan.