How do I help my wife to wean our toddler off TV?

[FloydP]

Am trying to help my wife wean our toddler off TV. I'm a husband at work and am worried about our toddler. He is two and a half. Seems to spend a lot of time watching TV. We have a new baby and my wife is exhausted so I can see why she flick on the box.

I havent been direct with her about what I'm thinking because she goes through a full week with these kids so what do I know about it. But I am in work here and all I can think about is this. I am worried for her and for our kids.

Our little guy doesn't speak much, is behind in development and spends too much time with TV or DVDs. He has started repeating lines from TV show or an ad.

I am probably dramatizing this but it is only how it seems to me when I see him (mornings & evenings & weekends).

If anyone has some advice on how I can start talking to my wife on this I will gladly listen. I don't want to upset her and she does a lot of great work with these kids but our son is at a crucial time now. So if I have to break a few eggs I will. Thanks. This is my first post.

If she's exhausted with a new baby then my advice is to tread very very carefully.

How about putting some thought into how you can help so she gets more rest?

If you're there at the weekends switch it off and you do something with him. Same on the evenings. TBH I cant see how you could say something without sounding critical.

My DD1 loved the telly it was always on. It hasn't did her any harm.

I agree with Gooserocks to some extent, although can also see it's not idea for a little one to be infront of the TV all day. Can you think of a way of making things a bit easier for her with the new baby ? Is there someone who can go round and help her in the day occasionally ? It can be a bit overwhelming.
Other than that, do you want suggestions about things like sitting for your meals together at the table, without the TV on ? You say you are there mornings, evenings and weekends, so presumably that's 16 / 21 meals so could start to have an impact on listening skills and early speech.

If you have a brand new baby then now really really isn't the time. She's sleep deprived, her hormones are all over the place, she'll be having no time to herself at all - just leave it for now. It won't do your boy any harm while she gets into a routine and gets some energy back.

And don't fret about the parrotting back things on telly - I remember one of mine telling me all about how I should get a loan from Ocean Finance when he was 3 :o. It's just what they do.

What you could usefully do is research toddler groups etc in the area - it'll be a good way for her to get out of the house and for your son to have more activities.

I taught my dc their colours, numbers, shaped etc but tv certainly consolidated their knowledge. They also would come out with information that even I didn't know that could only have come from CBeebies, Disney Junior etc.

Obviously within reason but as long as dc are not watching unsuitable material and my dc are 9 & 5 and have never watched a programme that was not on a kids channel I don't actually think its a massive big deal.

I would be careful about moaning at your DW about this, your child will be in nursery soon I would think, or your new born will be easier in a couple of months so that will take care of the issue (if there is one) won't it?

FloydP as a parent who works full time when my DH works 0.5 FTE and looks after our son the rest of the week, I can understand where you're coming from, in terms of knowing something isn't as you would do it but not being able to fix it.

However, you need to phrase this carefully - you have a wife with a new baby, poor sleep, and a toddler all at home together when it's lashing it down with rain. I can also see why she'd stick the telly on. Our DS (2.11) is allowed 2 programmes at a time morning, lunchtime and teatime, then the television goes off. This seems to work for us - it's the different between structured television, to allow your wife to get baby into a sleep routine, get lunch, feed etc and it being on all the time. Are you sure it's on constantly, or just in this structured way? Trying to cook meals with a toddler wanting your attention is an nightmare, so is washing up. There will be times when she needs your DS to be amused by the TV.

Your DS repeating words from the TV isn't necessarily bad - my DS can sing the postman pat theme song. He can also tell you the end words of each line to the Owl and the Pussy Cat and has 10 library books on the go at once. Watching TV doesn't rule out other activities.

I think that you need to start thinking of ways to help her rathe than "breaking a few eggs" and criticizing her parenting style. Can you do some night feeds so she's getting more sleep at night? Does she have a car / drive? Could you spend a lunch time looking up free parks / green spaces where your wife could take the children to get your toddler out and the baby asleep / fed? Does your DS and wife have waterproofs so they can go out in any weather? what's the storage like in the living room for other activities, puzzles, books to read whilst feeding, play dough etc? Could you do the washing up and washing when you get home / cook tea the night before to save her time in the day?

Start by telling her that you'd like to help her develop your home as an interesting, challenging place for your children. What does she do with your DS now (not for how long!), is there anything she'd like to do? Is money an issue? Shw that you're listening to her and backing up her ideas, don't go in being critical or she's likely to punch you one. Sleep deprived mothers being told they're not carrying for their children properly are an explosive combination!

You have the best of intentions in your OP, but may be going about this the wrong way.

How is he behind in his development? Perhaps post in "Behaviour and Development" see what others think?

Another thing is it might be on, but it doesn't mean he's sitting glued to it all day. DD would potter about with it on in the background.

Re parrotting things from the tv: I recall once driving my 3 yo son home from playgroup. It was raining and ds said "what a dismal day!" I was thrilled with his use of the word dismal. It took me a few days to realise it was said by Postman Pat on one of the videos that ds watched repeatedly when at home! Still, ds used the word/phrase in the correct context, so who cares that it came from tv and not from him own imagination.

I agree, now is not the time as your wife may well simply be getting through the day as best she can. I would suggest the tv goes off the minute you get home, and is only on for special programmes at the weekend, and you spend as much time as you can playing with your son. That is the best you are going to get at the moment.

Bad time to start "breaking eggs". Personally, I don't think the tv does any harm as long as it's age appropriate of course. Toddler groups good idea. You interact with him more at weekends, take him out or play with him at home. He'll be starting nursery at 3 (I presume) so more interaction there.

Oh and if it's a comfort my 9 year old never watches tv at all now. Apart from the odd episode of Horrible Histories, which we watch together.

My 5 year old spends every afternoon after school drawing, painting, making flags etc, doing activity books and watches the odd DVD. Rarely tv.

OP, have you ever spent an entire day on your own caring for the DC?

I suspect you'd be struggling to not turn the TV on.

It's the "breaking eggs" comment that concerns me here.

Mine is the same akaemma ( just realised how to pronounce your name after typing it!). She would much rather read a book now.

Plus she couldn't speak until she 4 and now I can't shut her up

I think you need to understand just how hard your wife is working whilst you're not there to help her and back off with the "breaking of eggs" scenario. Let her do what she needs to in order to get through these first weeks.

When he watches tv he's hearing a lot of language, new words, seeing new things, and enjoying himself. What would you rather he do? If you have some ideas on ways that your DW could entertain him while also dealing with exhaustion and a newborn then go ahead and tell her, I'm sure she'd be glad of the help. If can't think of anything, that'll be because there really isn't much else you can suggest.

It makes me feel very worthy cocolepew watching her do all that but the truth is all I ever did was make a massive box of paints, crayons, pencils, scissors, glue and paper available and off she went. I'm just on hand to say "that's AMAZING darling!" to everything she shows me.

My DC started preschool prt-time at 2. It was great when i had a newborn as DD1 went off for a few hours giving me time to sleep / be quiet just with DD2 and i felt that DD1 was getting the activities that were nice that i was too knackered to do. DD2 went at 2 as well. Just 2 morns a week to start, they both loved it.

Also nursery would be able to help with speech etc mine is v good with that sort of thing anyway.

would that be affordable? might ease your mind about activities, give your wife a break etc

i really don't think it is the time to criticise what your dw is doing. breaking eggs = no way

Both mine get / got stacks of telly btw and they seem fine!

My dd used to have cbeebies on a lot. She used to zone in and out , dance to music, sit down to watch favourites and play happily with back to tv a lot. She is a very intelligent 7 year old now and had not been harmed at all. My issue would be if the tv was on random daytime tv rather than toddlers tv

Your child being behind developmentally probably has nothing to do with watching tv. Unless he's watching it all day everyday including all weekend when you are there then i don't think it will do harm. Especially as its only for the short term.

Most toddlers end up watching telly a lot for a few weeks (or months) when there is a new baby. Its how a lot of exhausted mums cope.

You have a new baby so i assuming that its only for been since the baby has been born? So a few weeks? If you really think its affected your toddlers development then it must have been going on a very long time.

Perhaps you are looking for reasons or things to blame the developmental issues on?

Can you take some time off work to help your wife out? The odd day here and there so you can do more with your toddler, take them out etc?

Too much TV is not good for small children, there is plenty of research out there that backs this up. So you need to find ways to help your wife, please don't criticise her or make her feel bad, she is very vulnerable right now.

My suggestions are:

get a cleaner if you don't already have one and can afford one, if not you need to sort the cleaning/washing etc out yourself.

Make sure you cook as much as possible so that your wife isn't under even more pressure to get stuff done (and put your son in front of the tv again).

Help with the nightfeeds is your wife is bottle feeding.

When you're at home encourage your wife to sleep when the baby sleeps.

Tell your wife she is amazing and doing a great job - feeling like a failure is a big demotivator.

Do you have any family to call on who could take your son for a couple of hours every so often, or consider using a childminder?

Thanks so much for all of the above it's really helpful, thank you. It might have aggressive with the "breaking eggs" thing I realize. All I meant was that I know for sure she is exhausted and I can understand it but am prepared to have difficult discussions if we have to that's all. As many above have noted I don't want to moan at my wife or have her feel belittled or judged, she does a fantastic job and we would all be lost without her. that doesn't mean I cant be concerned about my son though. Maybe I need to pick my time and place so she is not undermind. Really good to hear about others kids parroting back TV as well, put a smile on my face. Will post back later but I wanted to thank you all