How do I help my wife to wean our toddler off TV?

[FloydP]

Am trying to help my wife wean our toddler off TV. I'm a husband at work and am worried about our toddler. He is two and a half. Seems to spend a lot of time watching TV. We have a new baby and my wife is exhausted so I can see why she flick on the box.

I havent been direct with her about what I'm thinking because she goes through a full week with these kids so what do I know about it. But I am in work here and all I can think about is this. I am worried for her and for our kids.

Our little guy doesn't speak much, is behind in development and spends too much time with TV or DVDs. He has started repeating lines from TV show or an ad.

I am probably dramatizing this but it is only how it seems to me when I see him (mornings & evenings & weekends).

If anyone has some advice on how I can start talking to my wife on this I will gladly listen. I don't want to upset her and she does a lot of great work with these kids but our son is at a crucial time now. So if I have to break a few eggs I will. Thanks. This is my first post.

There is a lot of good advice on here about helping your wife and children over and above your original concern about your ds and effect of tv on his development.

You don't seem to be listening to it floyd as seem to want to talk at your wife (ok you have wound in from "breaking eggs") rather than try to find a solution for both of you.

As others have said lecturing someone (ESP when is exhausted ,hormonal) is only likely to add relationship issues to the mix.

Thing is floyd, if your DW felt up to doing stuff with your son, she would be doing it, most likely. Most women feel guilty (at least a bit) if their children watch a lot of telly.

As Gigondas says there are loads of suggestions on here which would help with this . It would be a good idea to give them full consideration.

If you are hell bent on talking to your DW about how she is caring for your DS, can't you at least wait until the newborn is not a newborn but say 3 months old? Now is not the time, it really isn't.

What do you do with your son at weekends op?

I'm also curious to know how you know your DS is watching a lot of tv? Does your DW tell you?

Gigondas no I think you have me wrong there! I do want to get this to work for all of us and I am listening. I don't want to lecture her but I do want to get talking about what worries me. There is some truly great advice here. Frankly I am so relieved to get this off my chest. I have noone to talk to about it. My friends would just say either get over it or talk to her about it and that would be that!

Sardinequeen yes absolutely and we had some rough times with our new baby he is 4 month old now.

Dropdeadfred we go out as much as we can which is not much given the bad weather and we read books together. Yes he watches a bit of TV but I spend time with him if that is why you were asking.

CailinDana he is watching a bit too much TV for our liking that is exactly how my wife puts it "a abit too much for my liking". I know she feels very guilty about it too which she doesnt need to be but his language is a little behind so that is what has me worried. I know its not just the TV but it might be one part of it is what I am thinking.

Thanks to everyone for ideas again

Floyd I think there are ways of watching tv...watching an educational or at lest fun programme with your child and chstti g about it and engaging with them, perhaps getting ideas for games or crafts to do together ( whilst baby naps) is not the same as leaving them to be solely entertained by the tv

I agree that you need to talk to her in a constructive way and perhaps ask her what in particular she struggles with during the day that means she puts the tv on for your ds. By 4mo your dc2 should (hopefully!) be sleeping a bit more at night but also ask her how you can help her get more sleep - maybe taking dc2 while she gets an early night?

I know this will sound smug but it is perfectly possible to look after a toddler & new baby without resorting to tv. Ds1 is 3, ds2 is 2mo, dh works v long hours so I don't get help in the am/evening and ds2 is ebf so do all
the night wakings and I never put the tv on for ds1, he has watched a DVD maybe 3/4 times since ds2 was born. That's because I have v strong views on tv for children and so it's not something I use iyswim. If dh looks after ds1 at the weekend he will Inevitably end up putting a DVD/the tv on - because he doesn't have the same views as me (we disagree on this!) so just sees it as another option to entertain ds1.

Meant to add ds1 does go to nursery some days which is a great help and I have a cleaner. You may want to look at some nursery sessions for your ds and definitely look at getting a cleaner (the best money I spend)

lindsell your right. It does sound smug.

Can I ask how old is the toddler?

And also, have you looked into his speech issues at all? You mentioned his development, just wondered if you had spoken to anyone about this (hv, gp etc).

I had a toddler and a newborn, and we watched a LOT of tv at the time! The toddler had delayed speech, and used to recite from the tv, but this was nothing to do with the tv in fact. The issues affecting his speech also affected other areas of his development, so he was actually very difficult to look after and keep occupied. He's now almost 6 and a happy chap who's less and less interested in tv and dvds (we regularly go a whole day without it).

The newborn is now a very happy almost 5 year old, who is not at all interested in the tv, and has always had very advanced speech for her age.

I was agree with other posters that now is not the time for 'difficult discussions'. Perhaps suggest a trip to stock up on new toys etc for the toddler? Be careful not to let your wife feel to blame. If it is more, 'gosh he must be bored of these toys, let's get some new stuff for him to do' then I think that comes across more as you wanting to share in the care of your children which I think is what you are saying?

Agree with the suggestion of finding some new toys, books etc. to keep the toddler entertained without the TV on. There's a huge amount available on eBay. Search on "bundle of toys" or "childrens book bundle" and you'll find some bargains.

Your wife does not need to hear critisism of her parenting style ever right now. What you can do is introduce some new activities at the weekend that may stimulate your toddler's attention and keep him occupied. A trip to the library is good fun, add in a trip to a coffee shop (with good nappy changing facilities) and you've got a lovely afternoon out that also provides ongoing entertainment from the books or dvd's that you borrow. Arts and crafts are great too - just some colouring pencils and paper, play dough, cutting up paper and gluing. If your child has a favourite tv character then books, puzzles or notebooks featuring that character might engage interest.

I have 3 dc's - when each of the younger two were babies I remember feeling so stretched between the two children, the cleaning, the laundry, the cooking, shopping for food. All with minimal sleep and no time off. The first 18 months were tough.

I don't have an issue with my children watching tv. I like using inlayer so that the child chooses what to watch then has to decide what to watch next rather than leaving the tv on indefinitely. I think it's actually a good thing to encourage children to see watching tv as a relaxing spell in between play times. That's how I use it - if frustration levels are rising (mine or children ) I put the tv on to allow my kids to calm down and rest for a while. Even my two year old loves curling up on the sofa to watch a film

Why not arrange a home visit with your local health visitor to assess your toddler's development if you have concerns?

Iplayer even

FWIW OP, I watched a lot of TV after my younger sister was born, as she was quite a handful for my Mum. Except that this was back in the 70s, not the excellent TV content available now on CBeebies.

I really don't think it did me any harm. I got a good degree from Oxbridge. The TV gave me far wider horizons than my parents, through no fault of their own, could.

CBeebies is exceptional. I have no problem with my DCs watching it for extended periods if my attention is needed with one or other of them.

Have you read up on PND? Post-natal depression. Could your wife have that, do you think?

Please don't add more pressure on to her at the moment. Guilt is the constant companion of the mother.

I have a ds 2 and a ds 11 weeks and Im completely aware that I have the tv on too much, actually I'd say I had it on most of the day. Mainly not to entertain ds but because it can be incredibly lonely on your own all day.

Have you every spent all day in toddler land!

The tv is some type of company, the silence without the tv on just reinforces the loneliness. I wonder if your partner feels the same and the tv is on to fill a gap.

If that's the case help your wife to get out more, getting two children ready and in time is a massive challenge at times more so when tired, practical suggestions could be to get the bag and clothes ready for the next day to help a bit

lindsell your right. It does sound smug.

Give it a bit more time- I live somewhere where there really is a big awareness of not too much screen time- beyond 2 hours is not desirable and many of my friends have no TV for this reason.
However with a new baby myself my son is watching more than that each day especially if we do not get out- I accept it is how it is for now with a new baby and no access to a car- we do make sure we have other kids to play for 2-3 hours at least every other day.BUT it is a bit of a survival game getting used to caring for two so I would hold back for now and raise it at later time-just be supportive and later on discuss some sort of compromise between what you both think is realistic-2 hours a day is actually not a lot but I want to try and reduce to this myself once summer is over and activities start up again.

If it is any comfort, dd1 +2 watched far more tv than ds, as ds is the last, dd2 wasn't isn't too keen on tv so he never watched much, and other than a few favourite proogrammes is happy in a quiet house. Ds is the one with speech issues, the two aren't necessarily the same thing.

Now the older ones are in school the only time they watch is a few programmes before school, and sometimes dd1 will watch a horrible history episode before supper maybe once or twice a week and sometimes a dvd on a wet weekend.

The best thing you can do is do as much practically to help your wife and tell her the house doesn't get any messier if she goes out, so go and do some activities together.

I suggest you look after both children for the whole weekend and give your wife a rest. Maybe you could set your older child up with a better routine regarding weaning your DS onto non TV based activities.

It has pissed down with rain for months, you have a 16 week old baby. Take some time off together.

"Our little guy doesn't speak much, is behind in development and spends too much time with TV or DVDs. He has started repeating lines from TV show or an ad."

When you say 'repeating lines', is this over and over, or just from time to time?

I think repeating lines from the TV is completely normal and not a reason to think anything is wrong.

My three could recite whole stretches of dialogue from Spongebob and my DD knew almost every line of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was hilarious.

leanderbear their are times when it may NOT be completely normal and I understand why Tethersend is asking.

There not their

I am juust curious OP, if you come back, what you mean by your ds being behind in development and not speaking much. Is this based on a medical opinion/ comparison with lists / comparison with other children you see or other children that parents tell you about. If it is the last point then parents often exagerate, and also some parents look out for each tick box more than others. If you are comparing with others or lists then you need to be careful as children do all develop at different rates. All of my friends children were on the move months before any of mine were, mine have gone on to win sporting events. At 2 ds barely uttered a word, at nearly 3 he talks about EVERYTHING, not all clearly, but he can tell you about Henry VIII and his wives and can name a Tyranosaurus Rex at 50 paces.

If a health professionnal has expressed concerns, or if you take him to a health professional and they think his development is delayed then you do need to push for assistance. The milestones are there as guidelines, but children do all progress at different rates. I am sure that doing more things will help a child, but there are also good programmes on cbeebies, we use iplayer a lot so we can select what we want them to watch. Maybe also it is about giving your wife confidence to go and do things, e.g. The first time I took two of them swimming it was scary, after a while it seems normal. Hopefully you will be able to take them for a nice TV free sunny weekend!

I don't understand how watching cbeebies could hinder speech development.

Why would this happen?