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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Dealing with 13yo DD's bad behaviour

41 replies

asktheaudience · 22/06/2010 09:35

DD is in year 8. She used to be pleasant and charming. But since the end of last year it has all gone wrong.

She is capable at school but has had a terrible year. Her report makes painful reading.

She has NO self control and helps herself to anything she fancies without bothering to ask for permission, often food (she has a terrible sweet tooth) but also money, my phone when she can't find hers, etc.

She is deceitful and lies constantly. It's hard to believe believe anything she says some days.

She very rarely acknowledges her mistakes and misbehaviour and only usually apologises when she wants something.

Her manners can be appalling, she can be really rude when rattled and says some awful things to me and DH.

And when we dish out a punishment she gets uncontrollably angry and does really stupid things, like dumping the entire contents of the linen cupboard on the floor, smearing lotions on her dressing table (or mine) or not coming home from school until after dark.

The most agonising thing is that she can still be lovely, fun and good company. But the minute things don't go her way she reverts to this sort of behaviour. It's soul destroying and nothing we do seems to make any long-term difference. Something needs to change, but I don't know what.

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GypsyMoth · 22/06/2010 09:39

i have a thread going about my own dd...she is 13 too,but nearer 14 so in a highrr yr group to your dd.

its odd. it was an instant overnight change. she's always been a little difficult anyway,but since she started her periods a few months back,she's changed entirely!!

been on report in school for 3 weeks and no improvement.....so i got hauled into school!! model student to report...in a matter of weks

everyone on my thread thinks i should take her for a hormone test. has your dd started periods recently?

GypsyMoth · 22/06/2010 09:39

my thread is 'what would cause this' in the teenagers section

asktheaudience · 22/06/2010 09:46

No periods yet but they can't be far off.

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Lauriefairycake · 22/06/2010 09:50

Ok, dd is 12 and given the opportunity would do half of this crap too so how I deal with it is:

  1. packed lunch - dd's school serves carbo-based crap which does not fill her up or provide enough protein.
  1. she's growing and being hormonal but is still a child inside so can't handle the blood sugar ups and downs so I have a decent snack ready for her after school (like you would do a 5 year old ) of toast and banana and plenty of squash as they get quite dehydrated in school.
  1. pudding every night as part of dinner - she's not allowed to help herself to anything from the cupboard.
  1. cocoa/hot chocolate before bed - maybe banana again - aids restful sleep.
  1. when she's angry say "I can see your angry (makes them feel heard) but I know you don't want to be grounded for name calling so go to your room and punch a pillow til you process it"
  1. complete consistency with punishments - I take absolutely no shit for name calling.
  1. take your handbag with money in it to bed and get a lock for your door - I don't have to do that right now as she's not allowed in my room but I wouldn't hesitate
  1. pick your battles -ignore the smearing of lotions in her room - make her clean it up when calmer
  1. always give her a way out when she's calm ie. you can earn pocket money if you do x,y,z
  1. forgive quickly - this is the hardest for me so I have to fake it. They are very irrational at this age and they quickly forget their bad behaviour.

  2. If she doesn't come home and you've tried to track her down then I would ground her when she does come back or (and this
    worked for a friend of mine - put a bag outside the house and don't answer the door - was enough to shock her into coming home on time)

I grounded dd for half-term for lying - this was extremely hard on us as it meant we had to have positive family time all week. The amount of effort this took for us was huge and we could easily have taken the easy way out and let her out with her friends. But it paid off and for the last 10 days she has been much better.

Apols if any of this sounds patronising but I'm still working this out myself.

And find people to bitch to - I love a good rant about her.

asktheaudience · 22/06/2010 10:06

Useful stuff, thanks laurie, particularly the pudding. How do you stop her helping herself out of the kitchen between meals though?

Out of interest what punishments do you impose? Grounding doesn't make much difference as DD's friends live quite a long way away so she can't see them all that much outside school anyway.

Agree about them "forgetting" v fast. She really objects to being reminded of things she did wrong even yesterday. But I cannot let it go until we've had a proper apology + strategy for handling her anger better.

Pillow punching instead of name calling is good. It bothers me A LOT that she dares to say some of what comes out of her mouth.

DREADING the holidays.

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GypsyMoth · 22/06/2010 10:08

limit her internet time
limit her tv time
deduct or stop pocket money
confiscate her phone
no treats

Lauriefairycake · 22/06/2010 10:14

That doesn't come up for me as my computer is in the kitchen so I'm always there

I definitely find offering choices like you would do a much younger child works and I have the snack ready for her for when she walks in the door.

Other punishments include removal of mobile phone for a set time/nintendo ds for a set time/ being confined to her room (there's nothing she likes more than to complain so not getting attention is one of the worst)

I see that she lives a fair distance from her friends - poor you. Have you got anything set up for the holidays - we have dd in a one week theatre group all day 10-4, then a 5 day scout camp. So that will give us a little break from her.

Does she do activities - I definitely find children have a much lower boredom threshold than adults so I'm quite keen on outside activities skating/dancing/scouts etc. I also think that she acts up more when 'bored'.

asktheaudience · 22/06/2010 10:32

Yes boredom is a huge trigger, but she doesn't have many interests. She loves faffing about on her blog though, and internet time is strictly limited already as a result.

She likes tennis but her lessons have finished and I can't find a local course for her to do in the holidays. But I will have another scout around. Maybe a pgl type residential thing if I can find one that appeals (not easy). We are going away for 2 x 2 weeks but that still leaves a lot of boredom potential.

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Lauriefairycake · 22/06/2010 11:09

really well run, dd loves it - £299 for 5 days, activity ones/drama ones/adventure ones - local pick up too

alexsdad · 22/06/2010 11:40

"How do you stop her helping herself out of the kitchen between meals though?"

Fortunately (fingers crossed) we don't have any of the problematic behaviour, but DD (also 13) was starting to put on a bit too much weight due to snacking sweet things in the kitchen. We have just stopped buying them. No biscuits, no chocolate, no ice-creams, no sweets etc. About the only sweet things we have in now are low-fat yoghurts and marmalade!

I guess we were as guilty as she was in terms of snacking, so it's done us all a power of good.

asktheaudience · 22/06/2010 14:57

Alexsdad - hmm, not sure I can do that! She isn't overweight at all but she is quite greedy when it comes to sweet snacks, a habit I'd like to wean her off. It would feel a bit mean to punish the whole family for her lack of self control, but I do occasionally stop buying biscuits etc for a couple of weeks which winds her up no end!

Laurie - brilliant! Great value too, how come that passed me by?! Will get DD to have a look

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stickydate65 · 22/06/2010 15:46

my DD has been a member of local Sea Cadets since she was 10. (can go until she's 18)The unit and national organisation are extremely well run.The opportunities they offer are numerous and they are also really good at instilling discipline and resposibility.They meet twice a week and many weekends are full of various activites All this for a very reasonable weekly sub of £1.50! Weekend and holiday activities are also reasonably priced and often subsidised. We've found this satisfies our DD's need for a social life away from us but in a controlled environment. The Unit is mixed so she feels grown up and comfortable mixing with older Cadets and boys. I can't praise them enough for all they have done for her confidence and she never has time to be bored!

SuzieHomemaker · 23/06/2010 17:50

One place I have found very good for talking to DD is in the car. It is neutral space, there's no eye contact and there's no running away. Is it worth using the trips to friends as a chance to talk about things? It doesnt need to be heavy, no lectures.

For snacking in between meals is it worth looking at DDs diet overall? Big sugar highs do often cause a dip after which of course then means another snack. In this it is also worth looking at the soft drinks. A while back we realised the sugar content of the doft drinks DD liked was very high. We switched to sugar free, caffiene free soft drinks with major improvements all round.

Keep fighting the good fight!

SuzieHomemaker · 23/06/2010 17:54

by the way thats soft drinks not doft drinks!

dittany · 23/06/2010 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMorgan · 23/06/2010 17:56

Just marking my place on this thread, because I am having very similar problems with dd1 (12). Will post later.

SuzieHomemaker · 23/06/2010 19:05

The helping yourself thing I think depends on house rules. We have never allowed it. Some people have suggested we are a bit strict on this but I guess it depends on which battles you choose to fight. It doesnt mean we dont allow snacks between meals but these have to be healthy. The big rule is no helping yourself as this makes housekeeping difficult.

I think that the suggestion to stop buying the snacks is a good one. It doesnt have to be all of them but perhaps cutting out the highest sugar snacks?

asktheaudience · 23/06/2010 21:54

dittany - the snacks are not hunger but greed. eg sneaking biscuits or crisps up to her room almost immediately after dinner (which she eats, I don't ration her food and there is plenty on offer) because she likes them. she knows what healthy eating is but as I said, she has a terrible sweet tooth and NO self control. Lucky she's not fat!

She doesn't have fizzy soft drinks but she does like fruit juice.

We did have rules re snacks but I suppose I've got a bit lax about them over the years and now it's much harder to reinstate them. I now go ON and ON about how she must ASK before taking anything to eat but as part of it is a teenage defiance thing (and she knows I'd say no to more biscuits) it is hard to keep a check on...

I can see that I'm going to have to stop buying the nice stuff.

I am SO dreading the holidays!

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SuzieHomemaker · 24/06/2010 08:09

Hi Asktheaudience, how about cutting out one of the snacks? Crisps would be the one that I would choose as they are simply addictive and have no nutritional benefit whatsoever. We cut them out a while back and havent been tempted to go back. Rather than cut down all at once, slowly cut down one by one, restricting the choice.

Fruit juice is high sugar and may be contributing to sugar dips - we limit our daughter's intake.

For the holidays how about getting your daughter baking? You could stop supplying the sweet things - if she wants them she has got to make them.

asktheaudience · 24/06/2010 08:51

I had that very thought about baking last night. Definitely kills two birds with one stone.

I rarely buy crisps in fact, but probably need to monitor juice consumption.

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rose1927 · 24/06/2010 09:29

Hi, well not sure if my advice is any good 17 year old DD just told us she pregnant. But she was similar to your DD at that age. I just stopped buying crisps and sweets so they were not in the house. Also I found grounding didn't work. We used to let her see her friends but all the parents got together and swapped numbers and double checked where they were if she had lied we just used to find out where she was turn up and bring her home which was mortifying for her. I used to ask her friends parents if she was there and used to tell them that she lied. In the end she got so fed up with it she just started to tell the truth. As regards to school if she did not behave at school we just stopped giving her pocket money. She had come round and I did think we had managed to pull if off I was quite smug until she told me she was pregnant. Feel complete failure now.

asktheaudience · 24/06/2010 10:15

rose

Don't feel a failure. Her getting pregnant is likely to be the result of a simple short-term lapse of sense. What is she going to do?

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SuzieHomemaker · 24/06/2010 10:50

Rose, I've been reading your thread on your daughter. You are not a failure.

Unplanned pregnancy happens in the best regulated households (this is why we are 5 not 4!). At least your daughter told you. The tribulations you are going through now are a trial but I think that the good sense you are showing your daughter will eventually get through.

Asktheaudience, I agree with Rose about the honesty. That is why I think the car is a good place to talk about the broad concept. Perhaps asking your daughter what she thinks about honesty? Perhaps ask her how dishonesty should be dealt with in general terms rather than specifically.

I think that the withdrawal of trust is a punishment in itself. I guess that your daughter will fight against this but perhaps getting her to see the value of trust first will help?

cory · 24/06/2010 11:17

Also make sure she learns to distinguish between big serious breaches of trust and less serious ones. Could it be that some issues (thinking of the food) only become trust issues because you let them.

My 13yo dd is allowed to help herself to bread and fruit, and very little else is kept in the house, so this is no trust issue for us. If she has a slice of toast when she feels hungry, that is no more breaking trust than if I choose to have one.

I wouldn't judge anyone's whole character from not having self restraint when it comes to food. My MIL is totally without self restraint as to food, but has been an honest and competent person in all other areas of her life; all it means is I wouldn't buy her a large box of chocolate, because she keeps eating until she feels sick. But I don't think this means MIL is a bad person.

Otoh if my dd took money I would be angry.

I think what I'm trying to say is, don't see everything she does in the light of everything else she does, or you risk judging some minor infringements more harshly than they are worth.

asktheaudience · 24/06/2010 11:56

The food thing is just one aspect, and the one that bothers me the least if I'm honest (I have no problem with her eating bread when she's hungry, unless it is immediately before or after a meal). She applies the same want it-take it approach to all sorts of things, like I said before, including my toiletries, make up, phone, her sister's money etc etc. I have to lock my bedroom door sometimes

cory - you are right in that my judgement of an incident is coloured by other things that are going on with her.

I know I'm not always consistent or strict enough with her and I get cross with myself about it after the event. I think because some of the things she does have such potential to upset me that I give her the benefit of the doubt more often than I should. DH on the other had dishes out quite severe punishments (along with some choice insults)

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